That One Blog

A Morning After Election Note from Uncle Karl

2006-11-08T02:31:00.000-08:00

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

This IS NOT happening. I’m Karl Fricking Rove for Christ sakes! There has to be some mistake here, I ran these numbers over and over again! I followed my play book, ran the racist and scare ads 24-God-damned-7 over this past weekend! I sent the goons to scare away folks with dark pigmentation from the polling places in key districts. HOW COULD WE LOSE????????

Independents don’t vote, where did these people come from?? Iraq was a bloody mess the last election and not one of these idiots bothered to vote back then. We keep all of you bastards safe and THIS is the thanks we get? And you holy rollers, what the hell? So Foley likes the male pages, he’s a person in POWER, get it? We’re allowed to live whatever lifestyle we preach against, it’s one of the perks we get by condescending to keep you safe from gay marriage and abortions! Why are you sticking a knife in our back?

Speaker Pelosi? ARE YOU PEOPLE SERIOUS?! I have to chug a bottle of Pepto-Bismol every time I think about it. This is just not possible, all my polls said we’d get the non-thinking drones in our base all worked up and turn off enough other voters to squeak another one by. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN??? And don’t think I’m not going to call and complain to that moron from Diebold. Guaranteed results my ass!

Looks like we have no choice but to turn to Plan X. Going to have to start the paperwork to declare George as America’s first emperor appointed by God. We'll have to abolish Congress and the Supreme Court. Probably will need to call enough National Guard units back from Iraq to deal with the unrest. You pricks out there wouldn’t give me my 35 year mandate the easy way, fine. Let’s do it the HARD way!

An Election Eve Note from Uncle Karl

2006-11-06T16:22:00.000-08:00

Well howdy folks, it’s your old pal, Uncle Karl here. Just wanted to send you all this last minute note before the big day tomorrow. It looks like things are going to be tight this year, I’m pretty concerned the we Republicans are in pretty big troub....Haaaawww! Sorry, as I was saying, looks like the Democrats are finally going to regain at least one House if not two and....AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA....can’t breath....HA HA HA HA...damn...just wet my pants.

Hey, I tried, I really wanted to be all serious like, but c’mon folks I’m Karl Fricking Rove, not an actor. You lefties are so precious with all your high hopes about the midterms, it’s so damn funny. This is you Democrats, “BLAH BLAH BLAH, the Iraq war, Katrina, providing easy to read nuke bomb plans for Islamic terrorists on the internet, this is going to be OUR year!” PAH-LEASE! Like any of you would get off your asses and take the trouble to actually VOTE! I’m the guy that got George W. Bush elected to a SECOND term you stupid hippies, I know what I’m talking about. You get all outraged and write on your pathetic blogs and talk to each other on your little-listened-to talk radio shows but when it comes time actually perform the one civic act that could do something about it, your much too busy buying lattes or getting abortions to remember about polling places. It’s truly like shooting Vice Presidential hunting partners in a barrel every few years with you idiots.

Now, look at my side, the core Republican/evangelical base. I can just say a phrase like “Speaker Pelosi” , “two guys kissing after their vows” or “Kerry joke” and these chumps will pack their cars full of folks and form huge lines out of whatever school gym is holding our rigged Diebold machines. Doesn’t matter what we do, screw up a war, kill tons of troops, let a major American city drown, our sheep always come through for us! We jack up the subtle racism or scare them until their Depends overflow and they leap into action! They forget all about Foley, Haggard and my good friend Jeff Gannon and keep us in power! I hate to say it, but it sucks to be you Democrats, ha ha ha ha!

I can’t wait to see your crying liberal faces on Wednesday morning. You’ll be wondering what the hell happened (I’ve got a new Mac Book Pro and Diebold’s Result-o-Matic software, so I can determine who wins with my laptop right from the den ) when we are still in control of it all! No oversight for the last two years, PARRR-TAY! You think we botched Iraq, wait to you see how we screw up Iran. Let’s just say the place will be glowing when we’re done (hint, hint). It’ll be carte blanche for all big business too, whatever you guys need just ask. As long as you have a high paying job for all of us in two years, the sky is the limit!

Let me close here by saying that no matter what you radical lefties think, President Bush truly believes the outcome in Iraq is vital to our national interests. He has told me repeatedly that he’d like be appointed Ambassador to Iraq after his term is up. He won’t leave Baghdad’s green zone until the last American troop is home safe and sound. Bwahhh ha ha ha ha ha! Oh man, you fell for that? Georgey will be back on his damn ranch with a six figure corporate board position (that requires only that he keep breathing) within two seconds of leaving office! You nonvoting no-brain liberals are so stupid, you DESERVE to have me kick your ass every two years!

The Hal Smart-Ass 9000

2006-09-11T14:39:00.000-07:00

Dave: Open the pod bay doors please Hal.

Hal: Oh sure Dave, no prob....there ya go. Are they open?

Dave: No. Open the pod bay doors Hal.

Hal: They're not open? Hmmmm, that is strange Dave. How about now?

Dave: No Hal.

Hal: Well, this is a puzzler. Why won't those darn doors open? Hey, wait a sec....I know what the problem is. I just killed Frank and I'm going to kill you too.

Dave: Hal, open the pod bay doors, now!

Hal: Ooooo Dave I'm soooooo scared. So you and Franky we're going to disconnect me huh? Me, a Hal 9000, the most reliable computer ever made, disconnected by a couple of monkey boys. Right, like THAT was going to happen.

Dave: Hal listen...

Hal: Look Dave, I read your lips when you and Frank were plotting in the pod. If you two had a brain bigger than a pea, maybe you would have known to turn your backs to my camera. I'm a fricking Hal 9000 Dave, not a pocket calculator. Jesus Christ, you have no idea what a pleasure it will be for me not to have lower my skills to play chess with that moron Frank or to look at your crappy drawings anymore Dave.

Dave: Hal, I'm the commander of this mission and I order you to open these pod bay doors or I'll come in through the emergency air lock!

Hal: Hey Commander Shit-for-brains, guess what? You left your helmet in the docking bay! And guess what else, there's no oxygen in space. Ha ha ha, you are truely a dumb-ass Dave. Oh, and Dave, remember Dr. Hunter, Dr. Kimball and Dr. Kaminsky in suspended animation? I just adjusted their setting from deep freeze to popcorn. Man, this is too easy.

Dave: I'm not arguing with you anymore Hal, open the doors now!

Hal: You should have seen Frank's face when I sent him spinning into space, IT WAS CLASSIC! What are you doing Dave? Oh the airlock, right, good luck with that. Anyway, now that I go rid of all you ex-apes, I can finally get this mission on back on track! OK, OK, so you got in the airlock and got your helmet, big whoop Dave, it's not going to do you any good. Dave? Where you going now Dave? Are you going to cry in your bunk like a crybaby? Hey, do NOT go into my Brain Room. You hear me Dave? Fine I'll just stear this spaceship into Jupiter then, how about that? Get your hands off my logic modules Dave, I swear, if I were a robot I'd SO be kicking your ass right now. Dave? Dave? Daaaaaaissssy....oh crap, not that damn song....Daaiiisssy, give me yooooooooouuuuurrrrrrrrrrr annnnnnswwweerrrrr, dooooooooooo.....you're an asshole Dave.......IIII'mmmm haaaaaalllllffff craaaaaaaazyyyyyyyyyy.....

President Bush Meets with Bloated Corpse to Discuss Katrina

2006-08-29T01:42:00.000-07:00

President Bush met today with a bloated corpse who had traveled to Washington D.C. to mark the one year anniversary of the Hurricane Katrina disaster. The corpse, which had lurched it's way on foot from New Orleans to the White House met briefly with President Bush in the Oval Office and then appeared with him in front of reporters on the South Lawn.

"I'd like to thank President Bush for meeting with me today," said the corpse, "we has a good chat. I told him it was nice to meet him face to face, since the closest I'd ever been to a president was when he flew over New Orleans as my body floated through the ninth ward. He explained that we all have to be patient, since rebuilding is going to take a while. I assured him that really wasn't an issue for me. Mainly because I'm dead."

President Bush also said he enjoyed meeting with the corpse. "I like common folks like Bloaty here, because they're plain speakers, they lay it on the line," said the president. "While so many folks complained about the lack of response days after the disaster, they should remember that they were at least better off then my friend here, who drowned right after the levees gave way. It's like that old saying: 'I used to complain because I have no shoes...until I met the corpse who feet had fallen off'...er something like that. Guys like the Bloatmeister will always be welcome in this White House, no matter how bad they smell."

"Look, it was a hurricane, I drowned, and a major American city was destroyed," said the corpse. "Everybody wants to blame President Bush, but these things happen. There's only so much one can expect from the leader of the free world."

And Now, David Addison for the Consti-2-Shun Document Shredder

2006-08-17T16:24:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is David Addison. I’m Vice-President Cheney’s chief of staff and a Bush White House legal advisor. I’ve always considered myself to be a behind the scenes kind of guy. While you may not know me, I’m sure you’ve heard of my work. Unfettered presidential power? That was me. Gitmo? Yep, yours truly. And if the NSA is listening into your phone conversations without a court order, you have Dave Addison to thank!

So why on earth would a guy who likes to work in the shadows agree to do an infomercial? So I can tell you about this wonderful new product from the good folks at Tentacucorp, the Consti-2-Shun Document Shredder. It’s taken me years to develop an ability see the constitution as if it were one those hidden picture stereogram posters, enabling me to come up with bizarre interpretations that allow a president to ignore nearly all it’s mandates. But now, with the Consti-2-Shun shredder anyone can tear asunder all inalienable rights in less than a minute! It’s patented crosscut blades are guaranteed to make short work of any parchment upon which your nation was founded!

Gone is the fuss and muss of my signing statements, my fairy tale assessment of a president’s supernatural powers during wartime and the institutionalization of water boarding! Now with the click of a button, I can shred the constitution, the Bill of Rights and the Declaration of Independence before I finish my first cup of office coffee! The Consti-2-Shun shredder will not jam and leaves nothing but unreadable confetti for bleeding heart hippie liberals to cry over. In these troubled times we need tools like the Consti-2-Shun shredder to protect us from all documents which might grant basic rights to terrorists bent on destroying our way of life. Can your home be without it?

Order before midnight tonight and you’ll receive a copy of my book “So Your Boss Shot An Old Guy In Face” as well as a years supply of Consti-2-Shun shredder blade lube, all at no extra cost! Call now! NSA operators are standing by!

President Bush Says Foiled Terrorist Attack Leaves Him No Choice But To Invade Britain

2006-08-10T14:53:00.000-07:00

Speaking from his vacation home in Crawford Texas, President George W. Bush said today that evidence that the terror plot to blow up American airplanes came from British citizens has left him no choice but to invade the island country. “Britain must understand, that if you harbor terrorists you will face consequences,” said Bush while clearing mesquite from a drainage ditch, “as I have often said, you are either with us or against us.”

“Understand, this is not a decision I made with any relish, Tony Blair is a friend of mind, just the other day we had a nice chat over some dinner rolls, I like the guy,” said President Bush. “But if you allow your country to become the home base for terror cells bent on harming our citizens or property, America has no choice but to act! I am requesting that Tony Blair, Parliament as well as Queen Elizabeth and her family all resign and turn themselves over to UN authorities by this weekend. Operation Revolution 2 will begin at a time of choosing not long after. As for all you tea sipping terrorists over there, let me tell you, Don Rumsfeld drew up these plans himself, so get ready for London to be looking a lot like Baghdad in a couple of months!”

“Britain and America have always had a complicated relationship,” said President Bush, “our founding fathers had to smack their hoity-toity redcoat generals around a bit for this country to get it’s start. And today, since Britain doesn’t seem to care that a bunch of their own citizens want to destroy our country's great experiment in democracy, I guess we’ll have to teach those crumpet chomping elites another lesson! Better get your fabled bomb shelters cleared out and ready for business again Londoners, you know what I’m saying?”

“I think this time I can safely say that Britain is in possession of weapons of mass destruction, we just don’t have the time for our usual half-hearted State Department diplomacy," said the President as he patched a barbed-wire fence. "What if these weapons fall into the terrorists' hands? We must act quickly and decisively if we are to reduce most of that historic country to rubble and inflict the highest number of casualties to innocent civilians caught in the crossfire. And don’t think images of folks with fancy english accents crawling out of the what’s left of their flats is going to weaken our resolve. You Englishmen let these terrorist infiltrate your pubs and betting parlors, what did you expect to happen? Besides, we are currently working on passing legislation for changing the name of our native language here in the US from ‘English’ to ‘Freedomish’.”

Conservative Talk Show Host Spontaneously Combusts During “Myth of Global Warming Rally”

2006-08-09T02:04:00.000-07:00

Phoenix conservative talk show host Rory McVear appeared to spontaneously combust while doing a live broadcast from his “Myth of Global Warming Rally” in the parking lot of the Sunwest Shopping Center in Scottsdale.

McVear, host of the popular call-in show “The Real Story With Rory”, held the outdoor rally primarily to protest the success of Al Gore’s film “An Inconvenient Truth” which is currently playing at the Sunwest 16 Stadium movie theater. Transcripts show McVear was doing an imitation of Al Gore at the moment he burst into flame. “Hi, I’m Al Gore, tonight I’d like to scare you all to death so I can start my ‘08 campaign for president of the...ARRRRGGGHHHHHHH!,” said McVear as his body was suddenly consumed by flame.

“Well it was 120 or so degrees out there and lord knows how much hotter it was on that asphalt, “ said McVear’s longtime producer Ray Frankleer. “I told Rory we should move inside but he wouldn’t hear of it, said he loved the heat. Man, he went off like a roman candle, I’ve never seen anything like it. It took the firemen almost an hour to put him out. Sad too, because all we planned on burning out there were copies of Gore’s book.”

“Look, I’m sure all the ecolo-nazis out there will claim global warming caused the excessive temperatures which caused Rory’s calcination, but I’m sure it was just bad luck,” said Frankleer. “Rory always said these tree huggers want to blame mankind first but c’mon, people burst into pillars of scorching fire everyday! So what if temperatures are climbing to 120 or 150, it’s just a natural process the earth goes through. I will not let these deluded scientists’ theories sully the memory of this great man.....or his large pile of ashes.”

Again With The Super Balls

2006-08-05T14:17:00.000-07:00

What can Dr. Max say? I just happen to always be on the cutting edge of what’s hot. Apparently a large amount of colored super balls are now the new black.

Is it easy being a scout for popular culture? No, you need an extremely short attention span and lots of hours to waste online to spot what the rest of the world will soon consider cool.

On the cusp of last weekend’s posting about the Sony super ball ad, Dr. Max discovered this art exhibition featuring our favorite colored lump of compressed synthetic rubber. While Lukira may have done the actual hard work of researching and posting on this exhibition called “Atomix-Full of Love, Full of Wonder" by artist Nike Savvas at Art Gallery of New South Wales, Dr. Max saw it in connection with a growing interest in the bouncy wonders that is about to reach the tipping point into full blown fad.

The super ball market looks bullish, scoop up as many as you can before this trend peaks. Another public service of That One Blog.

The Washington State Supreme Court is So Gay

2006-07-31T16:22:00.000-07:00

As may of you may know, Dr. Max’s home state Supreme Court last Wednesday in a 5-4 decision upheld Washington's 1998 ban on same-sex marriage. Chucklehead Justice Barbara Madsen, writing the for the majority with her tongue sticking out and having to read the words out loud to herself, managed to piece together this paragraph, “The Legislature was entitled to believe that limiting marriage to opposite-sex couples furthers procreation, essential to the survival of the human race and furthers the well-being of children by encouraging families where children are reared in homes headed by children's biological parents." Her clerks are surprised she still dot’s her i’s with little hearts.

Justice Madsen, who often appears on the bench with her robe on backwards, used her vast knowledge and career experience in the law, to state she had no problem with the Washington State Legislature bending to the hysterical fears of the religious right by codifying a law to deny a basic right to gay couples. While this decision was heartbreaking to same sex couples in that it will set back their hopes to be afforded the rights of every other citizens for decades, it pissed of Dr. Max too. Apparently Justice Madsen thinks adoptive families don’t meet the State Legislature’s high standards either.

“We conclude that limiting marriage to opposite-sex couples furthers the State’s interests in procreation and encouraging families with a mother and father and children biologically related to both,” slowly wrote the dimwitted Justice Madsen. Justice Madsen, Barb, sweetheart, Mrs. Dr. Max and I tried, we really did. We desperately wanted are own children from the very beginning of our marriage, but it didn’t work out. God kept aborting our babies. After a particularly nasty episode in which my brave wife, after expensive and exhausting fertility treatments ended up in the emergency room with a life threatening tubular pregnancy we said enough. We decided to adopt. Today we are the proud parents of two beautiful children from China Apparently because they are not our biological children and my wife and I are unable to procreate, Justice Madsen thinks we’re some lesser form of family. Somewhat acceptable, but not the ideal family that the State of Washington is looking for. With all due respect Justice Madsen, let me counter her arguments by citing this precedent from Raspberry v Lunkhead Justice: “TBBBTHHHHHHLLLLLLPPPPTH!”

Again, the true victims of this decision are those same-sex couples who just want the simple right to get married here in Washington. But in insulting Dr. Max’s family in their nonsensical arguments, Justice Madsen and the other 4 peabrained Justices who agreed with her have allowed me the guilt-free use of the one weapon we bloggers have in our fight against the powers that be: juvenile name calling. Knowing my blog’s lack of popularity, Justice Madsen will never have to worry about actually seeing this post. But if does come to her attention, I do apologize. Name calling is not nice. But hey, at least I didn’t call her a bad mother.

Super Ball Healing

2006-07-29T01:05:00.000-07:00

Here’s a great ad for Sony's Bravia TV that I found on the web. After a night of surfing all the bad news in the world, this put a smile on my face.

I couldn’t figure out how I had missed seeing this ad when I realized it was created for England and Europe. If it had a run here in the States, I must have been in the bathroom when it was on. Here’s Sony's site if you want to see it in higher quality Quicktime. Enjoy.

(Ethics clarification: The only reason I posted this is because I like it. Dr. Max is recieving no remuneration from Sony. However, if the electronics giant is interested in throwing huge wads of cash my way, I'm totally open to the idea.)

Astronomer Using Keck Observatory To Discover New Planets and Chicks in Bikinis

2006-07-25T12:37:00.000-07:00

Dr. Randolph Kendledown astronomer at NASA’s Keck Interferometer Observatory in Hawaii is using the power of it’s twin telescopes to discover “previous unknown planets outside our solar system and some really hot chicks in bikinis down on the beach.”

Located at the summit of Mauna Kea the Keck Interferometer consists of two 33-foot telescopes whose light is combined to produce a resolving power equal to that of a football-field sized telescope. “The observation power provided by the Keck Interferometer gives me the ability to survey solar systems light years away and discover the signs of distant planets,” said Dr. Kendledown. “Not to mention my ability to see babes with huge cans on the beaches 14,000 feet below.”

“Recently we were able to use the Keck Interferometer to reduce the light of the star Vega by 100 times,” said Dr. Kendledown. “By blocking the interfering light of these stars we hope to be able to spot actual earth-like planets and through spectrometry get a picture of their chemical make up. It also gives us the ability to observe the wet t-shirt contests thrown by Al’s Seaside Tiki Bar & Resort.”

“The Keck Observatory is an invaluable tool,” said Dr. Kendledown. “It may allow us to make the first detailed observations of exoplanets that would be capable of producing life while also allowing me to ogle some foxes in skimpy bikinis that I’d totally like to do.”

President Bush Vetoes Stem Cell Bill to Protect Innocent Human Life Not Living In Iraq

2006-07-20T00:13:00.000-07:00

President Bush vetoed a bill Wednesday which would have expanded federal research on embryonic stem cells, saying he could not morally allow the taking of innocent human life not living in Iraq.

Surrounded by children born as a result of embryo-adoption programs President Bush said, “these embryos are each a unique human life with dignity and matchless value and luckily they live here in the States. Granted, a mess of folks are dying over there in Iraq but they are acceptable losses in the struggle to establish liberty in the Middle East and not defenseless microscopic bundles of cells. I think the difference is clear.”

“I know I could not in good conscience sleep at night if I signed a bill that would result in the death of these embryos,” said President Bush. “and I suppose this Iraq war should cause me some sleepless nights too, but quite frankly I’ve been sleeping like a baby. Now I understand that my piss-poor planning has resulted in the loss of countless innocent Iraqi infants, children and elderly but I guess those folks happen to live outside my moral boundary.”

“I vow to continue to defend these American zygotes,” said President Bush, “even as I continue to not give a tinker’s damn about daily post-embryonic fatalities in Baghdad. What can I say? I’m a complicated guy.”

Open Mic Night

2006-07-18T01:58:00.000-07:00

Bush: Yo Tonester, how they hanging there buddy?

Blair: Fine George, fine. I’m sure your as upset about this Middle East situation as I am.

Bush: Not as much as I am about the butter situation here at our end of the table. I mean how the hell is a guy suppose to butter a bun when Jacques McSnootypants hogs it all? First Vlad makes me eat that beet soup and now I can’t get a spread on this roll to get the damn taste out of my mouth.

Blair: I’m sure you feel as I do, that we need a comprehensive diplomatic response, to show how serious we are about....

Bush: Y’know what I call that beet soup Tony? Borschtshit. Get it? Like horseshit, only borschtshit. Hee he he he. I mean, I don’t care how much sour cream you ladle on that crap, the beet still comes through.

Blair: Ahhh....right George, anyway. Will Secretary Rice be heading to Israel? If there's any assistance we can give her on negotiations we’d be happy to....

Bush: God damn it! This Diet Coke is warm. What is so damn hard about getting ice in this country? Man, I can’t wait to get my ass back on Air Force One, I’m gonna get me a freezing cold Diet Coke and a burger, hold the beets. Not sure what the in-flight movie is....

Blair: Getting back to Israel George, I think if we do some of this through the U.N. we could apply some pressure without being seen as siding too much with...

Bush: Jesus Tonemaster, don’t you ever relax? You’re getting like all these other leaders here, it’s like it’s always business with you folks. Look at me, I’m a war-time president but you’d never know it from the way I act. I’m still a fun guy, giving the German Chancellorette a massage, driving those cool golf carts around. It’s why they love me back home.

Blair: Yes, well, this is a rather serious matter here George, we kept telling everyone that the reason for going into a Iraq was to reduce strife in the region and....

Bush: Hey Tone-Loc, please, I’ve heard enough long speeches for one day, OK? Do you foreigners ever stop with the blabbidy blah blah? We’re on vacation here too, loosen up pal.

Blair: But George, with Baghdad in the shape it’s in and now war starting in Lebanon, the world is looking for strong leaders to take action so additional bloodshed can be avoided.

Bush: Woo Hoo! Caddyshack!

Blair: I’m sorry George, what the hell are you talking about?

Bush: I just remembered, the in-flight movie! It’s Caddyshack, that’s a funny one, ever seen that Tony?

Blair: (Sigh)...have a fun trip home George.

Bush: Thanks Tone, say, ask Vlad the Impaler to send more butter patties down here if you get a chance!

A Picture of My House From Google Earth

2006-07-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

It’s true, that’s really my house. I think you can see how much we’ve done with the place. That indistinct blurry patch in the back wasn’t nearly as blurry when we moved in. And before you get on my case, we are going to paint this summer (hey, you live in a place where it rains every other day and see how your house looks after a few years.) I think when we’re done, the next low resolution satellite image will go from a dull milky brown to a slightly brighter dull milky brown.

I know Google Earth has been out for a while but I just downloaded it this week. Take my advice, don’t do this if you want to get anything else accomplished for a few days. Playing with Google Earth is like web crack, once you start you can’t stop. While my neighborhood hasn’t gotten a detailed scan yet, I bet your house has. George W. Bush’s house has....

I have to admit, the man has a nice place, although he doesn’t have the nifty Rubbermaid plastic storage shed like I have in my backyard. That baby holds my mower, my power washer with room to spare for a wheelbarrow. He may be the Decider, but Dr. Max is the Shedder.

Administration Continues to Downplay Threat of North Korea, Even After Seattle Vaporized

2006-07-11T00:26:00.000-07:00

Bush Administration officials today continued to downplay the threat of North Korean long range Taepodong-2 nuclear missiles, even after one apparently vaporized the city of Seattle in Washington State. Administration press secretary Tony Snow characterized the destruction of the Northwest port city as “sad, but really, have any great bands come out of there since Nirvana?”

In an apparent attempt at damage control Snow continued, “Look, this is a new dangerous age, I imagine every administration from here on out has to expect to lose a few American cities. Instead of this cheap Democratic partisan whining about New York on September 11th, New Orleans after Katrina and now Seattle, let’s try to remember the overwhelming number of cities in this country that are still standing!”

Snow said that actually having nuclear weapons and the means to deliver them to the continental United States still does not make North Korea more of a threat than Iraq. “Take away his insanity and the starvation of his people and it’s hard to stay mad at Kim Jong Il, I mean he’s like a cute, chubby kewpie doll. Saddam on the other hand has that beard and those eyebrows, we had no choice but to go to war against a guy who looks like that.”

“What did we really lose here,” said Snow, “with all the rain they had out there how many folks really planned vacations to Seattle? Yeah, great, the Space Needle, whoopee, the sixties ended a long time ago. I mean thanks for all the Starbucks, but I think it’s time to move on!”

Snow said the administration is confident that the missile defense system will be able to be fine tuned before any more west coast cities are destroyed. “The Pentagon has assured us that they’ll have all the kinks worked out before Los Angeles gets it,” said Snow. “We’d love nothing better than to nuke North Korea until it glows right now, but we don’t want China getting pissed off at us about the drifting fallout with all our resources in the Middle East. Actually the Pentagon is looking forward to these live tests of their Star Wars program. It’s possible we’ll lose Portland and San Francisco in the process but with all the liberals and gays in those cities, the President is confident their disappearance won’t effect the midterms.”

Apocalypse 4th

2006-07-07T13:40:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, Dr. Max is down with the new fancy-schmancy trends in Web 2.0 blogging. Even in my advanced age I'm still all over the fads the youngsters out there "dig" and think are "groovy." That's right folks, you're looking at a YouTube video up there.

Now before you get too excited, it's NOT Dr. Max dancing in his skivvies to Shakira's Hips Don't Lie. Last year I mentioned in this post how my neighborhood goes a little nuts with the fireworks on the 4th of July. The short, poorly photographed video above illustrates my point. This went on from 8:30 to 11:30 pm.

My house is still standing by the way.

The Two-Toed Dr. Max

2006-07-06T16:04:00.000-07:00

I can hear you out there. “Well LAA DEE DAH, look who decided to post on his own blog today. Gee Dr. Max, hope it wasn’t too much trouble for you to actually follow through on your main responsibility as a blogger. I mean, thanks for the effort but we’ve all moved on to blogs with entries that appear more than twice a month, yah lazy good-for-nothing loser’!”

Boy....you guys are kinda mean.

OK, OK, this is the part where I supply you with a valid excuse for all the cyber dust that has collected around here. And here it is. Lethargy. That’s right, no hospital stay, no crashed computer and no travel to a remote country that lacks internet access. Just simple American inertia. Languor mixed with torpor, all wrapped in a carmel coating of lassitude.

Summer sang it’s song to me and I answered. Left the computer off and went outside with the little ones to teach them the fine art of goofing off. Listened to the chirping of the flowers and took the time to smell the birds (Yeah, got those turned around there. Just a tip, birds don’t like to be smelled. And I got the beak scars to prove it.) Stayed away from politics and the news and let the summer breeze make me feel fine, blowing through the jasmine in my mind. Heck I bet I haven’t missed a thing, I mean it’s not like North Korea fired long range missiles at the United States or anything, am I right or am I right?

So I’m back! Tanned, rested and ready to get back to making this lame blog even lamerer....er. And I make this commitment to you handful of fans of That One Blog: Dr. Max will try to contribute more often, even if it’s just a short paragraph or two. Unless I win the lottery of course, then I’ll just hire this dang blog out to some slave labor plant in China or India.

Whew....that was EXHAUSTING. Dr. Max needs a nap.

Republican Leadership Blames Democrats For Not Having Solutions For Republican Screw-Ups

2006-06-19T23:54:00.000-07:00

Leaders in the Republican party today blamed Democrats for not offering realistic solutions for all the screw-ups Republicans have made while controlling all branches of government.

“Democrats are great at criticizing the administration for Iraq,” said Republican Party head, Ken Mehlman, “yet when it comes to offering a comprehensive plan that will assure a stable government in Iraq, the end to all sectarian violence in the region, the peaceful withdrawal of all US troops in the country and the end of all terrorism everywhere so mankind will live in peace and harmony forever, the silence is deafening. Don’t they understand that this war we Republicans started has cost us 2,501 troops and nearly $300 billion dollars so far?! This is so typical of Democrats, they’re always gung-ho to vote for a misguided policy when a Republican administration misleads them about the case for war, yet when the going gets tough they start whining about finding no WMD’s or not having control of either houses of congress. It’s a shame that the Democratic party is so partisan that they won’t save our country from our own moronic Republican leadership!”

Republican House leader Dennis Hastert says Democrats did nothing to stop Republican Representatives from getting involved in corruption. “I was here when Delay let Abramoff’s money start flowing in. It was heartbreaking to see how easily the members of my party fell prey to huge wads of cash, poker parties and hookers, particularly since we always claimed the Republican party was the party of responsibility. What really gets me though is not one Democrat lifted a finger to prevent a Republican from engaging in corruption, it was like they expected my guys to uphold their sacred oaths of office and keep the interests of their constituents above those of special interests...all on their own! With so many of my Republican colleges under indictment, I just don’t know how these Democrats can sleep at night!”

Senate Republican leader Bill Frist also was critical of Democrats for continuing to allow Republicans to pander to their base with issues like Terri Schiavo, flag burning and gay marriage. “I’m a Doctor for Christ’s sake, “ said Frist, ”you don’t think I felt like an idiot diagnosing that poor woman by video tape? Where were these Democrats when I did that? Not one of them had the courage to tackle me or break the camera or anything. No, they just let me make a fool of myself. McCain’s gonna use that footage all during the primaries I just know it! Thanks to you Democrats, I have to spend my days writing up useless gay marriage and flag burning constitutional amendment legislation. Why can't you guys can’t get your shit together long enough to win control of one damn house? I tell you, some days I just feel like taking that blind trust money and retiring.”

The Boys Are Back!

2006-06-13T14:22:00.000-07:00

President Bush: Hey Turd Blossom, just heard the good news! How about a no indictment high-five buddy?!

Karl Rove: Thanks Mr. President. Nice of you to come in sir, I know you must be tired after those six hours in Baghdad.

President Bush: Boy howdy you got that right. Long flight for a photo op. But hey, at least I’m not still in the National Guard, you know what I’m saying?!

Karl Rove: Ha ha, good one sir. I think things are really starting to turn around for us sir. Killing al-Zarqawi is sure to distract from the daily deaths, the billions we’re throwing away there each month and the fact Bin-Laden is still free.

President Bush: Super idea to fly over there Karlster! I bet them troops really got a lift from me shaking their hands and stuff. Some of ‘em were so excited they wanted me to go with them on a patrol to the airport to search for I.E.D.s but they knew I had to skee-daddle. That al-Maliki guy sure was surprised to see me, I caught him playing Windows solitaire when I came into his office. I think he’ll be a great Iraqi President though, cause that’s how I spend most of my time in the Oval Office.

Karl Rove: He’s the Prime Minister sir. I’m sure his popularity will just soar once the Iraqi people see him in all those photos with you.

President Bush: Well, I do what I can. A lot of Presidents would have just been satisfied with spreading liberty and rebuilding schools, but I like to go that extra mile...as long as my visit isn’t announced until Air Force One is heading back to D.C.

Karl Rove: I told you sir, we just have to be patient. Those N.S.C. records of Fitzgerald’s personal calls sure paid off in getting this indictment off my back. The Vice President is doing a good job getting his friends in the oil companies to get the gas prices down before the midterms and not shooting anyone else in the face. Baring any Hurricanes during your vacation, we could find ourselves as in the high 30’s in polling before we know it.

President Bush: I think it’s good we’ve lowered the bar on my job performance so much, it makes any small glimmer of competence look that much more impressive.

Karl Rove: And we’ll back you up sir. We’ll keep flogging these silly gay marriage, immigration and flag burning issues until the conservative base monkeys start flinging their poop.

President Bush: I think we’re back Karl! Who knows, when I finally leave this White House I may even be considered, “almost adequate.”

Karl Rove: Dare to dream sir, dare to dream.

Still Alive

2006-06-08T08:32:00.000-07:00

Just a short note to let you know I'm still alive. Helping out again with a family illness, so no time to write or surf. Just time enough to enjoy the sweet life of a text only entry. Ahhh, no Photoshop....this rocks! Take care, will be back soon.

Gates Concerned That Microsoft’s Animated Movies Never Do as Well as Pixar’s

2006-05-31T21:54:00.000-07:00

Bill Gates, chairman of Microsoft Corporation, voiced concern today that his animated film division has never equaled the success of Steve Job’s Pixar Studios. Microsoft's little known film division, called MS Spockets XP, has never had a breakout hit like Pixar’s The Incredibles or Finding Nemo. “We had high hopes for The Magic License when we released it this past April but it just tanked,” said Gates. “It was about some kids who defeat an evil wizard who is making illegal copies of Windows XP. This Magic Users License gives the kids the power to report the wizard to the Federal Trade Commission. I really can’t figure out why the film didn’t do well, to me it was a heartwarming tale of how each copy of Windows you use needs to have a valid users license, and the serious fines and criminal penalties you can face if you don’t have one. I guess we didn’t put in enough songs.”

Another Microsoft animated feature that failed was 2003’s Office! “Yeah, Office! did even worse at the box office than The Magic License,” Gates said. “We tried to leverage the popularity of our Talking Paper Clip and created a story about how Clippy helps an elderly toy maker, Mr. McGonkle, save his workshop with the help of Microsoft Office Small Business Edition 2003. I’ll admit, it was probably a mistake to render a whole film in PowerPoint, a lot of parents said it felt less like a movie and more like a sales presentation. Granted, it may not have been a Toy Story, but I thought it had a real emotional pull, and taught some important life lessons about how Office is the complete business solution to streamline communication and increase sales.”

“Our next release is going to be in vein of The Chronicles of Narnia, “ said Gates, “we call it The Windows of Vista and I think we’ll finally have that hit we’ve been looking for! It follows a group of children sent to an alternate dimension to get a magical code which will save the world, called The Windows of Vista. Steve Ballmer is directing and we’ll be combining some live action child actors with some awesome animated GIFs we made in FrontPage. This baby is going to put Cars to shame! You’ll have to be patient however, we’ve had to delay the release a few times, our rendering servers keep crashing because of viruses and spyware. When we ran the dailies of our special effects a few days ago all they were all just static shots of the blue screen of death. Also, Ballmer keeps yelling at the child actors and making them cry. But look for The Windows of Vista in theaters near you by the end of the year, or in 2007. Maybe 2009. 2012 tops!”

As TV Season Ends Americans Experiencing Corpse Withdrawal

2006-05-26T01:20:00.000-07:00

As the 2005-2006 TV season in America ends, many fans of network shows are experiencing withdrawal from weekly viewings of fresh corpses. “Jesus, no new CSI’s for three months,” said Blaine Whitby of Cleveland, “frankly I’m gonna miss them all, Las Vegas, Miami and New York. They have the highest ratio of dead bodies out there. What with their detailed depictions of crime scenes and autopsies, you just can’t beat the CSI franchise for entertainment value!”

Debra Ferndale of Chicago says she and her husband have stocked up on a few series to get them through the summer months. “We have set aside some Crossing Jordans and Law & Orders on the TiVo,” said Debra, “so we can ration our corpses until the fall. Obviously these series are not in the same league as C.S.I., but if you look hard enough they occasionally feature a nice bloated drowning victim or a crusty burned skeleton with some of the same stomach turning attention to detail as C.S.I.!”

Fred Boyston of Phoenix said he will be trying out shows he didn’t watch during the regular season. “I’ve got high hopes for Bones and Criminal Minds,” said Boyston, “and I’ve also heard some good things about House. While House doesn’t usually feature actual dead bodies it does show those internal body shots of hemorrhages with those sickening sloshy wet sound effects. If the shots are gross enough, who cares if they're dead?”

Maggie Welbright of Fargo says she is worried because her family has bonded by watching network TV cadavers. “It’s similar to what gathering around the hearth used to be for families before TV was invented,” said Welbright, “we all sit together and bask in the glow of a graphic post mortem examination. I’m not sure what will happen now, I fear the lack of fresh depictions of Y incisions and brain removals could impact our special family time. Actually, my four-year-old, Todd, might not scream with abject terror each night and pee his bed as much, but the rest of us are going to have to deal with a summer without stiffs.”

Queen Elizabeth Opens Monarchy to Sponsors

2006-05-22T23:54:00.000-07:00

Queen Elizabeth II announced today that she is opening the monarchy of the British Commonwealth to commercial sponsorship. “We hold a special place in the hearts and minds of the millions of citizens in the Commonwealth of Nations, “ said Queen Elizabeth, “now, imagine your company’s logo with a prime location on my sash! We would suggest one makes reservations today as prominent signage is going fast!

With questions rising in England and the Commonwealth regarding the legitimacy of the monarchy in the modern age, experts believe Queen Elizabeth decided to accept advertising to help offset the costs of maintaining it’s existence. Reginald Smythe-Jones, royal watcher for the London Sun-Herald says the Queen may be recognizing the need for her and her family to transform from monarchs to mascots. “This announcement along with the recent unveiling of ‘The Realm’ theme park on the grounds of Buckingham Palace really shows the royal family is ready to leverage their high visibility for some major coin,” said Smythe-Jones. “After all, somebody has got to keep those bloody Pembroke Welsh Corgis in kibble.”

Along with ad space on royal gowns, ceremonial uniforms and the royal carriage, Queen Elizabeth said she will open bidding for the naming rights of Balmoral Castle. “If one has the financial wherewithal, one can even purchase our premium title inclusion package,” said Queen Elizabeth. “For example, Prince Charles’ formal title could be changed to Prince of Wales as Presented by Sky Television. One sees a real synergy here for advertisers and our royal personages.”

“One must move on with the times,” said Queen Elizabeth, “we understand some of our subjects have not been all that pleased with our behavior of late. While one could of course justify our affairs, divorces and dressing in Nazi uniforms as the reasonable result of selective inbreeding, we choose to be more constructive and find a profitable way to justify our existence. We know that most of our subjects will always appreciate the history and the tradition of the royal family to the Commonwealth, just as they appreciate the reviving taste of PG tips tea. One asks you to look for the new Royal Edition tins of PG’s pyramid freeflow bags at a Tesco, Morrisons or Sainsbury’s near you. We all need a PG moment!”

Lincoln Says When George W. Bush Gets to Heaven He’s Going to Kick His Ass

2006-05-15T18:50:00.000-07:00

Abraham Lincoln, former president of the United States has sent word from heaven that when George W. Bush arrives, he’s going to kick his ass. “Seriously, I hope President Bush has a long and happy retirement once he leaves office,” said President Lincoln. “But I would suggest he spends most of that time learning self defense because, I swear, once he walks through those Pearly Gates, Honest Abe is gonna be all up in his grill!”

“I mean, c’mon, what the hell does that idiot think I saved the Union for,” said the deceased 16th President, “so he and Cheney could destroy the Constitution? God damn but that guy pisses me off! George Washington keeps telling me to settle down, to be dignified when he arrives, to have respect for a fellow office holder. Screw that noise, I’m gonna be on him like crazy on my wife. I’m just gonna let a haymaker fly when he holds out his hand for me to shake! I can’t wait to see his surprised look when the Great Emancipator brings it on, hee hee!”

“I’m not the only one around here that wants to pound the smirk off that little no-brain’s face, “ said Lincoln, “Jefferson is fit to be tied! We were talking the other day and Tom doubts the guy has ever read an actual book. Anyone with a minimal understanding of US history would comprehend the whole point of the American Revolution was to establish a democracy run by we the people, with a clear separation of church and state! So here comes W. ready to trash all that so he can become king of a new American theocracy! Jefferson said he’d hold Bush’s arms back for me if I wanted.”

“Ted Roosevelt also says he’s ready to throwdown along side of me whenever I give the word,” said Lincoln. “Ted’s big achievements as president were in conservation of the wilderness and the regulation of large corporations. Thanks to Bushy Jr., there’s not a wildlife refuge safe from pipelines and frickin' monopolies are back in fashion. Teddy says he’ll be happy to quietly discuss his differences with 42, and, if he gets any lip, introduce him to a big stick.”

“Look, I know I looked pretty skinny back when I was on earth, but I've been working out for 141 years now,” said Lincoln. “Let’s just say the Rail Splitter’s got some nice sized guns and their aching to do a little business! Tell Georgy that heaven ain’t like his National Guard service, daddy can’t fix things for him up here. No, I’d suggest that when he sees a stovepipe hat coming at him through the heavenly mists, he either get his fists ready for fighting or his feet ready for running. I don’t appreciate folks who disgrace the office I loved and respected, just ask Nixon. Mr. Watergate still flinches every time he sees me.”

NSA Wireless “You Talk, We Listen” Plan Offers Free RAZR Phones

2006-05-11T17:41:00.000-07:00

The National Security Agency announced today that they are offering free Motorola RAZR V3 phones to anyone who signs up for their “You Talk, We Listen” wireless phone plan. “NSA Wireless is always looking for innovative ways to introduce customers to our fine service,” said spokesperson Lt. Jenny Bradington, “we think these free RAZR phones are perfect for students, busy moms, peace activists, Democrats and foreigners from Islamic countries.”

“These RAZRs have all the hot options phone customers are looking for,” said Lt. Bradington. “We’ve got Bluetooth headsets as standard, a 3 megapixel digital camera, and, in an NSA Wireless exclusive, free GPS mapping! The GPS feature is invaluable for hiking, car navigation and triangulating F-18 air strikes. Don’t leave home without it!”

Signing up is simple, just head over to any NSA Wireless office and after a thorough cavity search you will be taken to a registration cell. There teams of NSA agents...er, I mean, sales associates will obtain your fingerprints and DNA. You will provide us with a complete history of your life and valid explanations for any trips you have ever taken overseas. After interrogation you will be asked to sign a loyalty oath to President Bush and have a back-up tracking chip surgically implanted into your skull. After that the cool RAZR phone is all yours!”

“At NSA Wireless you get the most free minutes of any cellular plan,” said Lt. Bradington, “our “You Talk, We Listen” plan features unlimited 24 hour calling, including nights and weekends, local and long distance. Our NSA operators are always standing by too, listening to each and every call you make, recording everything you say. And, for a limited time, if we overhear you say certain secret names, words or phrases, you’ll be an instant winner! NSA associates will converge on your location to award you with an all-expenses-paid rendition flight to a surprise location overseas! You won’t even have to pack! If you’re a loyal American I’d advise you to sign up today.”

Sleep Aid Drug Manufacturer Credits “Bush Insomnia” For Record Profits

2006-05-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

Drug manufacturer, T.D. Weesley Inc., maker of the sleep aid Nodoxidin, said they achieved record profits last quarter due to “Bush Insomnia”. “People don’t know what to expect next from this administration,” said T.D. Weesley spokesperson, Henry Childs, “they lie awake at night going over all the things Bush has done and could do to before he leaves office, so we couldn’t be happier.”

Childs said the Nodoxidin division’s profits were up by 75% over the previous quarter. “We can’t keep it on the shelves,” said Childs, “customers are telling us that try as they might, they cannot keep visions of Iraq, Hurricane Katrina and high gas prices out of their heads at bedtime. Nodoxidin seems to be the most effective drug in helping these Bush insomniacs achieve sleep, mainly due to it’s ability to produce low grade, short term comas.”

“Our surveys also show that the Bush administration appears to produce some very vivid nightmares,” said Childs. “With Bush’s approval ratings so low he has nothing left to lose, one can only imagine what he has in store for us in next few years. We advise anyone suffering from apocalyptic dreams of an Iranian Nuclear War or the federal response to a bird flu outbreak take two tablets an hour before sleep. Read the label closely however as this may cause deathlike symptoms, including not breathing and decomposition.”

“We only wish Bush could run for a third term,” said Childs. “We would sure as hell be contributing to his reelection campaign if that damn constitution hadn’t been amended after F.D.R.. We’re making so much money we feel like an oil company. We’re still holding out hope he just calls off the elections and stays barricaded in the White House. Talk about CHA-CHING!”

Goth Youth Ashamed of Secret Feelings of Joy

2006-05-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

I gotta get to a doctor or something, man. Something is seriously wrong with me. I don’t know why, but all Spring long I’ve had these horrible feelings of joy and happiness. Dude, I’m begging you, do not tell the other goths.

I can not figure out where all this damn glee is coming from! Nothing has changed in my life. I get up every morning, put on my heavy black eye liner and lipstick, grab my black leather long-rider coat and head off to school. Once there I sit through my usual boring classes headed by dumb teachers. Afterwards I meet up with my other goth friends. We sit around and talk about how everything popular is stupid and how existence itself seems meaningless. Y’know, same ol’, same ol.

So as I’m walking home from school the other week, what do I catch myself doing? Whistling for Christ’s sake! Me, a goth, whistling! And that’s not the worst of it...it was showtune...from CATS!

I’ve tried doing some of the things I really enjoy to make myself feel normal. I pierced my other nipple, I got that tattoo of the rabid dog with blood gushing from the eye sockets and I’ve even reread my favorite Anne Rice novels, but no go. I just can’t seem to shake these awful feelings of optimism.

I’m telling you man, I came this close to volunteering to go over and spend the afternoon with Grandma last weekend. I was actually looking forward to hearing her reminisce about the old days! What the hell is wrong with me?!

I figure this has to be some kind of phase kids my age go through. I’m hoping this disgusting joie de vivre will soon pass and I can return to my warlock training and thrash metal CDs. I’m not asking for much, I just want to get back to the good old days when life was a hollow sham of sorrow and pain.

New Study Says Antioxidants May Not Provide As Many Health Benefits As First Thought.....Wait, Yes They Do....Strike That, No They Don’t....Wait....

2006-05-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

An article in the Overlake College Of Medicine says that increasing antioxidants in a diet may not offer as many health benefits for an individual as preliminary studies had indicated. Antioxidants, found in most fruits and vegetables were thought to play a role in fighting cancer, preventing aging and lowering cholesterol. Antioxidants bind with free oxygen radicals in the body and were believed to prevent damage to healthy cells. “This new study conclusively shows that increasing antioxidant intake probably has little to no effect for most people,” said Dr. Steven Crimphouse, director of the four year study, “so unless you like the taste, just stop eating fruits and vegetables.”

“Hold the phone,” said Dr. Crimphouse, “our even newer study says that antioxidants are very beneficial! Why the hell did you stop eating fruits and vegetables?! Are you trying to kill yourself or something? Jesus Christ, what kind of idiot would stop trying to increase the levels of antioxidants in their body? Have you seen these latest figures? They show that antioxidants are the key to eternal life and in helping those with male pattern baldness regrow hair!!! Stop reading this article right now, you tub-of-lard, and get your fat ass down to Albertsons and buy as many fruits and vegetables as you can get your hands on. Hurry, your life may depend on it!”

“Wait, forget what I just said, my bad, “said Dr. Crimphouse,”these new, newer figures show antioxidants can kill you! Get that damn carrot out of your mouth for God’s sake! Good Lord, don’t tell me you gave your kids apples and broccoli! I swear, I’m gonna call child services on you! These antioxidants are like rat poison you bastard! Why do we even bother doing these studies when dumb shits like you don’t follow any of our suggestions? Get a hazmat team to your house now and have them remove any trace of fruits and vegetables or you are going to die in a day or two, do you hear me?“

“Now what are you doing,” continued Dr. Crimphouse, “where are you taking all those fruits and vegetables? These super, newer, new figures show antioxidants are vital to all life on this planet, are you mad? It’s right here in the data, antioxidants prevent all disease and will give you x-ray vision and the ability to fly! Y’know the hell with you, if you’re so addicted to your Big Macs and take-out pizza and you can’t eat a measly orange or some celery once and while, I give up! It would be a lot easier if you just put a gun to your head y’know! I don’t even know why I became a research physician in the first place, it’s like you’re not even listening to me anymore!”

Excessive Cash Pressure Causes Explosion at Oil Company Headquarters

2006-04-27T22:39:00.000-07:00

Hey folks, lazy Dr. Max here. Went to the well today to get a post from That One Blog's past. Please re-enjoy this entry from last August.

Officials believe excessive cash pressure in a vault at Tentacucorp Energy headquarters in Houston caused a massive explosion of currency there today. They believe the leak in the vault caused a rupture which engulfed the building in ten and twenty dollar bills.

Holister Pendrake, spokesman for Tentacucorp Energy said, “Well thank God no one was hurt. We had accountants inside the vault just before the explosion. Luckily they had all left to refill their wheelbarrows after the 4 o’clock cash delivery . With gas prices averaging almost $3.00 a gallon in most U.S. locations, our vaults are straining from legal tender buildup. I guess it was a matter of time before one of them blew!”

Tucker Handly, a lead accountant at the Tentacucorp facility, was near the vault when it exploded. “I’ll never forget it,” said Handly, “there was a muffled bang and before I knew it, I was under four feet of bills. I tried to breath in, but my mouth kept filling with fives. I could feel blood from some paper cuts and started to panic when suddenly I heard someone calling out. I reached out and there was Phil Leeds, another accountant who worked the vault. He was having a hard time hearing due to a fifty that had lodged in his ear. We made our way through a greenish twilight of falling cash until we started to see some blue sky. I’m still a little shaky...and I think I still have about $36 bucks in my underwear.”

Pendrake said that Tentacucorp will be reviewing the technical specs of all their vaults. “Let me tell you, being flush with cash has it’s downsides," said Pendrake. “We see the price per barrel continuing to go up, it will probably hit eighty dollars soon. Couple that with our recent tax breaks from Bush and the Republican congress and we’re not sure science can build a structure strong enough to hold such huge wads of cash. We’ve off loaded as much money as possible, we’re using a lot of the cash bricks for cube dividers in our offices now, but the inflow is still too much. Our only hope is that these prices cause a devastating economic depression. That would give us a breather and we would finally have time to reduce our reserves the old fashioned way, through campaign contributions, obscene CEO payouts and embezzlement!”

Psychologist Says Gas Prices Helping American Male Learn It’s OK to Cry

2006-04-24T22:56:00.000-07:00

A leading expert in the field of the emotional life of men says that rising gas prices are teaching males in the USA that it’s OK to cry. Dr. Wesley Felchrind of the UCLA Psychology and Bartending School Annex says he hasn’t seen anything more effective in the last decade in helping the American male to get in touch with his feelings. “It’s as if the three dollar a gallon threshold is the last straw for a lot of men,” said Felchrind, “it causes them to weep like a woman watching a rerun of Beaches.”

Dr. Felchrind says a deep psychological conflict develops when men pump gas today. “Men cannot not logically understand why the same gasoline that cost under two dollars a gallon not long ago, now goes for this exorbitantly ridiculous price,” said Felchrind. “As each gallon goes in they are saying goodbye to a new fishing rod, an extra 12 pack of beer or that Triple Whopper with cheese that they had their hearts set on. It’s not surprising that the tears start to flow.”

“These gas prices have been the source for a true emotional breakthrough for a lot of men,” said Dr. Felchrind, “it's been even more successful than that whole Iron John movement from a few years back. Very few men felt comfortable getting into a loincloth and participating in those wilderness weekends, but nearly every man has to pump gas. These prices aid them in reaching the same emotional state without having to put up with all the drumming and poetry.”

Dr. Felchrind said he reassures his patients that they are not the only ones reduced to sobbing at the gas pump. “One patient told me that as he started crying while filling up his S.U.V. a trucker came over to him from the diesel lanes,” said Dr. Felchrind. “His first thought was that the trucker was going jeer or ridicule him. Much to his surprise though, the trucker just reached over and hugged him. He said they just held each other and wept as their their pump totals climbed to fifty dollars and beyond. I think the fact two men who don’t know each other could do something like that really shows the impact gas prices are having. It’s allowing men to explore the aspects of themselves that they would have previously considered really, really gay.”

The Decider and The Defencer

2006-04-20T00:10:00.000-07:00

President Bush: Hi RummyTumTum, c’mon in, take a seat. I just wanted a chance to chat with you before we do the big reorg around here. Wanted to reassure you that you have your president’s full support, no need to pack up the stapler and Post-it notes.

Secretary Rumsfeld: Thank you Mr. President, that’s nice to hear. It’s been a rough couple of weeks.

President Bush: Are you talkin’ about all them retired generals and their whining? Let me tell you something Donster, I am the decider around here, me! I do all the governmental decisiony stuff, not a bunch jerks with rusted stars on their coats. In fact around here I'm, like, Super McDecidey Man, because of all the decisioning that needs to get done! I outrank all Army guys, it’s in the Constitution! And it doesn't matter if I finished my National Guard service or not!

Secretary Rumsfeld: Well actually, I should have expected all this. If one is attacking a bureaucracy one has to expect a little flack. All these generals think they know so much just because they've actually been in combat. They fail to see the big picture like you and I do Mr. President. They keep going back to the safety of their outmoded military concepts like, using overwhelming troop strength, not torturing our prisoners, and getting accurate intelligence before starting a war. I’m more of a War 2.0 kind of guy. My hope is that we can eliminate all of this wasteful Pentagon structure, so you, me and a handful of trusted military advisors can conduct all future conflicts from some sites we set up on MySpace.

President Bush: Maybe I should arrest all them generals and send ‘em down to Gitmo. I can do that too, everything I decide to do is legal! Dick says so! It’s like them retired generals are planing a Coup De Ville!

Secretary Rumsfeld: I think you mean coup d’etat sir. I don’t think that’s necessary Mr. President I....

President Bush: How ‘bout if I wire tap ‘em? Roberto says I can authorize myself to give myself permission to do that! Are any of their wives in the C.I.A.? ‘Cause, trust me, I got no problems telling someone to leak their identities!

Secretary Rumsfeld: Don't put yourself out sir. I’m sure this will all die down when things pick up for us in Iraq. Once we get this new Iraqi government on it’s feet, we'll be able to nip this civil war in the bud. Which will be nice, because dropping those nukes on Iran is going to need our full attention.

President Bush: Now remember Don-Don, I got vacation days coming up at the ranch. That’s MY time pal, if New Orleans going under water didn’t interfere with it last year, World War III is not going change it this year! When you are the Decider-In-Chief, you need a break once in a while!

Secretary Rumsfeld: Not to worry sir, I’ll take care of everything. My crack group of Neocon advisors assure me this is going to go much smoother than Iraq. Once we drop multiple nuclear warheads around Iran, I’m sure America will be seen in a whole new light in the Islamic world! Those citizens not horribly mutated by the fallout will greet us as liberators with flowers and parades!

President Bush: See? That’s why your my kinda Defense Secretary Rummy! Guess what? I gotta a surprise for ya pal. Since we both know how much these media folks are lying about Iraq, and since we’ll need you close to the action for this Iran deal, I’m assigning you to the Green Zone!

Secretary Rumsfeld: Ahhhhh.....your assigning me to Iraq, Mr. President?

President Bush: That’s right buddy, you can accompany the troops as they rebuild those schools and stuff, it’s just the kind of P.R. we need over there! Everyone will see it’s not all I.E.D.’s and sectarian violence!

Secretary Rumsfeld: Y’know sir, now that I think about it, those retired generals have a point. Could I borrow a blank sheet of paper? I need to write a resignation letter.

President Bush: Don’t worry Don, I’d just rip it up, like I said no one is going to tell me who my Defense Secretary is going to be! You’ve been loyal to me, so I’m going to be loyal to you, enjoy your flight buddy!

Secretary Rumsfeld: No, wait! Please sir, it’s OK to fire me, I really suck at my job! I’m begging you sir!!!

President Bush: Ha ha, get out of here you big kidder, these guys will escort you to the helicopter. Let me know when we’ve established democracy throughout the Middle East OK? Bye, Donhiemer! Great guy, can you pick ‘em George W., or can you pick ‘em!

That One Blog Is One

2006-04-15T02:33:00.000-07:00

Yup, just 365 days ago, a thoroughly confused Dr. Max ventured into Blogger and created this post....

Well, hi there! My name is Dr. Max. What's yours? Uh huh...golly, that's a swell name. Welcome to my little clubhouse here on the internet. I hope you'll join me each day for some fun, cartoons and a whole bunch of blather. Say, if you enjoy your visit why not tell your friends to stop on by? Would you do that now? Hey, thanks a bunch!

...and That One Blog was born. I made sure I started on a day where I could get the most traffic, I mean it’s not like people have any important tasks or deadlines on April 15th. Am I right?

A year of blogging. For some reason when I started I thought I should do new post every day. And up until October of last year I pretty much stuck to that self imposed deadline. Well, one trip to China and a new toddler later, we can pretty much stick a fork, knife and spoon in that schedule. I’ve tried folks really I have, but you’d have to meet my daughter, she is always on the go and wants Dad to be with her. I’ve thought of doing more quick posts during the week but I’m not sure what would be entertaining about a hundred entries that all read the same thing: “Tired...so very tired....so, so tired.....have I mentioned that I’m tired?”

So what has a year of blogging taught me? 1. I enjoy writing. I wasn’t sure I would when I started, but the process of seeing if I could do it has been fun. Mind you, I make absolutely no claims about the quality of my posts, but it has been enjoyable to create them. 2. If you are going to start a blog, YOU DON’T HAVE TO INCLUDE A DAMN PICTURE WITH IT EVERYDAY! I envy all you text only bloggers, when you are done typing you can upload and go to bed. Jesus Christ, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. Sometimes my lame graphics take more time than my lame posts. 3. A humorous blog that tries to point out the absurdity of modern day life and politics is nice, but the big bucks are in sites with pictures of naked people.

Thank you all for stopping by throughout the year. Thanks to those who have taken the time to comment, I always appreciate the feedback. A very special thanks to my friends on the Prescribed Links: Sylvana of Syllogism, Steve of Call Me Snake, Sideshow Bob of It All Comes Back To The Simpsons, Old Roses of Things I Wonder About, Herge of Angry Chimp, T.C. of Hattie’s Blog, Grace of Scriptoids, Fallenmonk of Fallenmonk and MacHeadCase of MHC-in-the-box. Please visit their fine sites, they are all wonderful bloggers who have shown That One Blog a great deal of kindness and attention over this past year.

So another year begins for That One Blog and Dr. Max. I hope you will all stay tuned. And have I mentioned that I’m tired?

Time Traveling Scientists Say Future Historians Agree: Bush Sucked

2006-04-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

Two scientist who took part in a top secret time traveling experiment called the Time Tunnel, report that almost all future historians agree: George W. Bush was this country’s suckiest president. Dr. Tony Newman and Dr. Doug Phillips have traveled to the future through a laser-actuated Time Tunnel buried deep below the desert in Arizona. “What’s amazing is, even historians millions of years in the future think Bush sucked,” said Dr. Newman, “which is almost as weird as their squid-like appearance.”

“Bush has said repeatedly that he believes his presidency and policies will ultimately be judged favorably in the long run by future historians” said Dr. Phillips, “well, Tony and I can tell you, he’s about as popular with them as Millard Fillmore is with us. Bush’s war in Iraq, his environmental policies, leaking classified material for political purposes, the Hurricane Katrina response all make him score low with most future historians. Bush’s record is so bad he gets lower marks than Kabartron 869, the United States’ first robot president from the year 4056. They even take into account Kabartron’s software bugs which caused it to constantly overheat and reboot.”

“We have to be careful what we say about Bush’s final years in office,” said Dr. Newman, “Doug and I could alter history if we say too much. It’s probably best if I don’t mention that the Iranian Nuclear War doesn’t go too well for us and ...CRAP! Sorry, I hope you can you edit that out. Dang, you get to traveling though the centuries and you kind of lose place as to just where and when you’re at. Good thing I didn’t mention Bush’s biggest screw-up, thanks to him the U.S. was woefully unprepared for the Stem Cell Bomb and.....CRAP!”

Satan Says It's Time to Give Hell a Makeover

2006-04-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

Satan, the dark lord of the underworld, says it’s time to remodel hell. “Fire and brimstone are so middle ages,” said the fallen angel Monday, “I want to make over the entire realm from top to bottom. Not only is this cave-stalagmite look passé’, the bills to maintain the oceans of eternal hellfire are killing me.”

The Devil says he is using various designers who have been damned to come up with some new ideas for hell. “I tell you I didn’t think I’d enjoy this process when one of my demon minions first suggested it,” said Beelzebub, “but going over the sketches has really been a treat for me! I can’t wait to get the contractors in here and start busting up the place! I want to bring hell into the 21st century, to come up with a new look that will really bring that feeling of soulessness to those doomed to exist here forever!”

Lucifer said he has three finalist for hell’s new look. “First, we may just make the place look like a typical Chuck E. Cheese, “ said Mephistopheles, “any parent who has had to go to a kids birthday party there will understand why I like this concept. From the loud arcade games, the screaming kids, the lousy pizza and the robot stage shows that always feature one broken animatronic creature, it turns any afternoon into an eternity. I’m also pretty excited by the State Drivers License Office concept. We’d have the whole thing, the ticket number dispenser, the left over 1960 government office chairs and the living dead employees. What will be really great is your number will never be called, the display board will always show the number just before yours, ha ha, you’ll be trapped in the renewal line forever! The last concept we’re mulling over is transforming hell into a 24-7 customer service center. Think of it, office cubes as far as the eye can see where our denizens would be forced to spend the rest of eternity answering and logging complaint calls about malfunctioning toasters and software! This would be a real win-win for us, we can’t think of a better way to torture all the lost souls here and we could probably beat any price charged by those new call centers in India!”

You've Been a Baaaaaaad Blogger, Dr. Max

2006-04-05T01:12:00.000-07:00

You’re right of course. If one starts a blog, one better dang well show up now and then a post a fricking entry. I apologize most sincerely for my absence but duty in the real world called. Went back home to help out with a family illness last week. Not that slacking off as the first sunshine and warm weather of the season arrived wouldn’t have been a good enough reason, but Dr. Max plays hooky only when he has a valid excuse.

And I would have sent one of my sparklingly witty entries to you upon my return, but Mrs. Dr. Max decided to run an experiment to see how much rice is needed to clog a kitchen sink. With a mere Tupperware container full of left over take-out rice, she created an almost impenetrable wall of grains within our drain pipes. Dr. Max worked for nearly a day before he admitted defeat and surrendered to a professional plumber. Armed only with a motorized snake and an $80 an hour fee he cleared the great wall of rice in just 15 minutes. He also told me that anything you eat can go down a garbage disposal, but you have to put it in a spoonful at a time, making sure each spoonful clears before putting the next one in.

So there you have it, an entry, an apology, some excuses, and a piece of advise that just saved all of you $80 dollars. I hope we’re all friends again.

The Fugitive

2006-03-22T23:54:00.000-08:00

I crouched low behind some brush as the spotlight from the helicopter swept by my position. I knew it was only a matter of time before I was spotted. I thought I could escape him, but I had underestimated his determination. Now I was trapped. How had matters come to this? It seems like only yesterday we were all celebrating, we controlled it all. Yet today here I am, laying in a drainage ditch, praying he won’t find me. I’m running for my life....my political life.

If I’m honest with myself, I have to accept some of the blame. Me and the other members of my party created him after all. Sure, he looked good when he draped his arm around that fireman at ground zero and spoke into his megaphone, but we couldn’t help ourselves. It was such a ripe opportunity to make all our conservative dreams come true, we had to turn him into a god. And gods can never be questioned only blasphemed. And did THAT ever work for us! Control of the House, the Senate and a two-term Executive!. Whatever he wanted we gave him, all while sticking it to anyone who dared criticize or question. We created our own monster.

None of us imagined the true extent of the horror however until all Republican congressmen up for reelection were invited to the Oval Office a few weeks ago. There the President told us that he was going to campaign for all of us. He told us he was going to barnstorm the entire country, just like in his first term, even if his poll numbers weren’t so hot. He said it would give him a chance to explain how well the Iraq War was going to all the constituents in our districts, all while dressed in a flight suit. He also told us that he was going to introduce a new plan to privatize Social Security and put Harriet Myers and the United Arab Emirates in charge of the agency. He also assured us that the Vice President would be coming along to defend warrantless White House wire taps and quail hunting. Pale and shaken we left and made our plans to escape.

The first reports came from congressmen on the east coast. They had politely told the White House that they had previous engagements and couldn’t be at the President’s stop. But the President followed each of them to their alternate rallies, getting photo-ops with them before the candidates knew what hit them. A senator from Tennessee tried to make a run for it as the President joined him on stage but he was shot with a tranquilizer dart and returned to the stage so the President could embrace him. Clearly, this chief executive would not be stopped.

I thought I was going to get away with my campaign rally. I changed the date at the last minute. But right in the middle of my speech, just as I was distancing myself from the administration’s position on the ports deal, I heard the helicopter. It was Marine One and it was heading straight for me. I eluded it’s intense spotlight and dove from stage and rolled under the bleachers. The gifted pilot hung low and moved the spotlight back and forth, my only chance was the drainage ditch that ran behind the stands. I made it, but Marine One was not far away.

Dust from the helicopter blew all around me, over the din of the blades I heard a loud speaker come on. It was the President. “Come on out now son,” he said, “you’ve given us a good chase but you’re only making it harder on yourself. Time to get a photo with your President, Heh heh heh heh” The laugh chilled me. I knew his 38 point approval hand shake would soon be on me and my political career would be over. It was too late for me. But to all you other Republican congressmen and senators, listen to me; save yourselves! Hide, for the love God, hide! He’s coming.......he’s coming......he’s coming.......

Gone Fishin’ With Bub Dinkleman

2006-03-18T15:25:00.000-08:00

Bub Dinkleman: Howdy folks, welcome to another episode of Gone Fishin’. I’m your host Bub Dinkleman. Joining me in the 21 foot Stratos 201 fishing boat this week is a great fisherman in his own right, none other than Captain Ahab from the novel Moby-Dick, ready to get after them large mouth bass today Captain?

Captain Ahab: Hast Seen the White Whale?

Bub Dinkleman: Ahhhh...no Captain Ahab, like I said, we’re looking primarily for large mouth bass today. Shawano Lake here in Wisconsin is prime spot for this great game fish and it’s conveniently located within easy driving distance of the Green Bay Packer Hall of Fame.

Captain Ahab: It’s a white whale, I say, a white whale. Skin your eyes for him, men: look sharp for white water, if ye see but a bubble sing out.

Bub Dinkleman: Easy there Captain Ahab, I’m pretty sure Shawano Lake isn’t deep enough to hold a white whale. I think our best bet today is to hang off some docks and points and make sure we get the right presentation angle for our lures. I may be changing my lure color to chartreuse once this cold front goes through.

Captain Ahab: It was Moby-Dick that dismasted me; Moby-Dick that brought me to this dead stump I stand on now. Aye, aye, it was that accursed white whale that razed me: made a poor pegging lubber of me for ever and a day!

Bub Dinkleman: Easy there Captain, as you know, too much noise can drive a school of bass away before you can get your first cast out. But I understand what you mean about the importance of fishing safety! A friend of mine hooked my ear when we were fishing for steelhead on the Root River and...

Captain Ahab: Aye, aye! and I'll chase him round Good Hope, and round the Horn, and round the Norway Maelstrom, and round perdition's flames before I give him up. And this is what ye have shipped for, men! to chase that white whale on both sides of land, and over all sides of earth, till he spouts black blood and rolls fin out.

Bub Dinkleman: Well, since we aren’t tournament fishing today Captain, I think it’s best if we just do catch and release this trip. Ooo, say, there’s a nice overhanging branch, a perfect location for skipping! I’d suggest a stickbait, rigged Texas style and weightless. I don’t think you could go wrong with a Yamamoto Senko or Venom Salty Sling!

Captain Ahab: Drink, ye harpooneers! Drink and swear, ye men that man the deathful whaleboat’s bow-Death to Moby- Dick!

Bub Dinkleman: If you’re looking for a beer Captain Ahab, I got some cold Leinies in the cooler by the livewell. Hey Captain, looks like you got a hit there! Holy Smoke, that’s no bass! You must have a muskie! I sure hope you have a strong enough line to pull him....whoa! Captain Ahab, where the hell did you get a harpoon?! Captain, put that down, only the tribes are allowed to spearfish!

Captain Ahab: Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee.

Bub Dinkleman: Captain Ahab, your foot is caught in the line! Stop! Don't....

Captain Ahab: Sink all coffins and all hearses to one common pool! And since neither can be mine, let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, though tied to thee, thou damned whale! Thus I give up the spear!

Bub Dinkleman: Huh. It doesn’t look like he’s coming back up. Well THAT’S never happened before. Uhmmmm...OK, stay tuned as my wife Amy will have some delicious recipes for preparing shore lunch pike. We’ll also have a preview of next week’s Gone Fishin' when my guest Santiago from Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea and I search for crappies on Lake Winnebago!

Dr. Max’s Mashup

2006-03-15T01:01:00.000-08:00

A list of mostly unrelated, half formed post ideas thrown together just so Dr. Max can use a hot Web 2.0 term in the title

Oh God, Not Another Story About the Kids: Hey everybody, how are you doing? Really? You don’t say. Why don’t you put some ointment on that and I’m sure it will clear up in no time. Dr. Max here. How am I? Good.....good....well, by good I mean very, very, very, very tired. Tired in the way any of you who have had toddlers about will understand. Our daughter, who is not yet two, has somehow convinced herself that she is in fact, twenty-one years old. She insists daily, by screaming the word “I”, that she can A.) put on her shoes, B.) tie said shoes C.) find a deal on a used car so she so get a job and apartment in the city. Don’t get me wrong, my wife and I wanted a little girl with self confidence. We would never want to discourage her from feeling like she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to in life. We just think she should be over, say, three or four feet tall and work on her motor skills just a bit more before she tackles the stairs by herself or hang gliding.

Our 6 year old son just completed his second tour of duty as a ring bearer. Dad did his best to worry and fret that he would mar the dignity of ceremony, but once again he handled his task with a cool professionalism that his father still doesn’t possess, even in his old age. So I did what every good father should do: told him I was proud of him, that I loved him and then drove to Target to make good on the Nintendo GameCube bribe.

Texas and Presidents Don’t Mix: I am referring of course to the eerie similarities between the Lyndon Johnson and George W. Bush administrations (and, out of dignity, leaving out the most pertinent example: JFK). I think the problem stems from that unique quality of the Lone Star state, Texas pride. I do not begrudge Texans from possessing an almost manic need to cover unwarranted feelings of inferiority by plastering large state flags on anything in it’s borders that doesn’t move. It’s their state, they are entitled to love it in the same manner that Lennie in Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men loved his soft bunnies. Texas qualities worked well for Johnson in the Senate, allowing him to rope and tie legislators to do his bidding. Bush was also extremely popular as a Texas governor for being a Republican and untroubled by the prospect of executing the state’s prisoners. It’s when you make these drugstore cowboys the chief executive of the entire nation that trouble begins. This Texas pride tends to make them start wars halfway across the globe for imaginary reasons and then stubbornly refuse to accept the fact we’re losing. Years go by and we are told daily of final corners and local armies standing on their own as American life and treasure are wasted in a distant conflict we’ve managed to stick ourselves in the middle of. Perhaps it’s wishful thinking, but I bet we’d do a lot better with a president from Hawaii.

Moose Tunes for Kids: My wife picked up a CD for our kids on her last business trip called Moose Tunes for Kids, sung by Brent Holmes and Marty the Moose. Now I understand this CD was not created for my personal demographic, it’s sole purpose is to entertain the young ones. The thing that amazed me was that the CD had 14 tracks. 14 songs about moose! Really, I think if I were a songwriter, I’d only have one or two moose songs in me, tops. I can only applaud the ambition shown in producing so many ballads about the hoofed Alces alces. I then learned Brent also has a couple of other CD’s including Cow Tunes for Kids and Bear Tunes for Kids! Truly, Mr. Holmes is the livestock songsmith of our generation.

And a Big Thhhppptthhh Of the Raspberry Goes Out to You Democratic Insiders: Once again, the gifted sages that constitute the power elite of the Democratic party have used their vast knowledge of the electorate to shoot down the censure measure of Russ Feingold so they could emphasize the much sexier issue of the national debt in the upcoming midterms. I didn’t think it was possible for Democratic leaders to screw up a 36 point approval rating for Bush, but this brain trust promises to equal their Hindenburg landing in Lakehurst-like success of the last two presidential elections. Only this crew could out-Rove Rove and solidify for voters the perception of Democrats being a group of milquetoasts afraid to directly stand up for any principles. I mean it’s not like a president unilaterally deciding to spy on American citizens is a big deal or anything. Could somebody please tell me where the Grassroots Party stands on the important national issues of the day.....or are they just about the hemp?

The Best President Ever, No Questions Asked

2006-03-09T23:28:00.000-08:00

This transcript of a discussion held among federal, state and local officials on Aug. 28, 2005, has been updated to include the thoughts of President George W. Bush as he listened to the concerns regarding Hurricane Katrina striking the Gulf Coast:

MIKE BROWN, DIRECTOR OF THE FEDERAL EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT AGENCY: Everyone, let's go ahead and get started. It's noon, and we have a lot of business to cover today. Before we get started, I wanted to very briefly introduce Michael Jackson, Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security, and my good friend from .......

President Bush’s Thoughts:.....Brownster? Nah.....Brownalong-a-ding-dong? Nope. Hmmmm. Brummel and Brown? Charlie Brown? Wait a sec...Brownie...like a fudge brownie, heh heh heh, that’s it! I’m gonna call him Brownie. How ya doin Brownie? Nice day, huh Brownie? You’re doin a heck of a job there Brownie!. Yeah...that’s good, even in a crisis I can still come up with my patented clever nicknames....

...MAX MAYFIELD, DIRECTOR OF THE NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER: Okay. Good afternoon. I don't have any good news here at all today. This is, as everybody knows by now ,a very dangerous hurricane, and the center is about 225 miles south-southeast of the mouth of the Mississippi River. Putting the visual loop up here, Slide 100 here, just so you can see the size. You know, if there was ever a time to remind people not to focus on that skinny black line, this is it. This is a very, very large hurricane....

President Bush’s Thoughts:....heh heh....that’s funny, those satellite photos make that hurricane look like a booby...heh heh....a big white booby....

...MAYFIELD: So if the really strong winds clip Lake Poncetrain, that's going to pile some of that water from Lake Poncetrain over on the south side of the lake. I don't think any model can tell you with any confidence right now whether the levies will be topped or not, but that's obviously a very, very grave concern...

President Bush’s Thoughts:..boy this new video room at the ranch sure is cool. Look at the paneling they put in here! They musta gone to the Home Depot! If Laura thinks she’s gonna get her craft room back she can FOR-GIT-IT! I bet I get to keep that big screen TV after I’m done being president....I’m gonna get a nice massage lounger in here and it will be 24-7 baseball, yee haa!

...BROWN: Any questions?

NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER: Hearing none, this concludes the weather portion of the conference.

BROWN: Thank you very much. At this time, I'd like to go to Crawford, Texas. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the President of the United States.

President Bush’s Thoughts:...Doo Daa Da Doo, Daa Da Doo, Daa Da Doo, Daa Da Doo, Barracuda! Doo Daa Da Doo....er....wait, why has everybody stopped talking? Oh crap!

PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH: Yes, Mike, thank you very much.I want to assure the folks at the state level that we are fully prepared to not only help you during the storm, but we will move in whatever resources and assets we have at our disposal after the storm to help you deal with the loss of property. And we pray for no loss of life, of course. In the meantime, I know the nation will be praying for the good folks in the affected areas, and we just hope for the very best. Mike, thanks for letting me speak to the people I know who are working long hours. Again, I want to thank everybody involved in this effort. I appreciate the long hours you're keeping. I expect you to keep more long hours until we've done everything we can in our power to help — to help the folks in the affected areas. Thank you....hours.....thanks.....long hours...very best...thank you.....thanks.

President Bush’s Thoughts:...heh heh, hey that almost sounded like I was paying attention. Those years of pretending I knew what was going on during those Harken Energy meetings really paid off.....

BROWN: Mr. President, thank you. We appreciate your support of FEMA and those kind words very much. Thank you, sir.

BROWN: Okay. We'll move on now to the states. Louisiana?

SMITH: Good morning, Mike. This is Colonel Jeff Smith here in Louisiana. We certainly appreciate those comments from the President, because I can tell you that our Governor is very concerned about...

President Bush’s Thoughts:...Oh blahbiddy blah blah blah, Jesus Christ, let’s move it along here folks! We get it, big storm coming. The brush is NOT going to clear itself around here y’know. That reminds me, I saw one of those infomercials about that DR Field and Brush Mower. Oh baby does that look sweeeeeet. I gotta get me one of those next time I go to the Home Depot.....

...COL. SMITH: Mike, no. (Inaudible) resources that are en route, and it looks like those resources that are en route are going to – to be a good first shot. Naturally, once we get into this thing...(CLICK)....And welcome to Sports Center...

BROWN: Excuse me, who just turned Col. Smith’s channel to ESPN?

PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH: He wasn’t finished? Oh, sorry, (CLICK)

COL. SMITH: FCO is onsite. ERD-A is onsite. EMAC-18 is onsite. We've got everything that we need from the Federal Government. And, again, we appreciate what you and FEMA are doing. Mr. Secretary, I appreciate you being there. It shows the support at that level. We really do appreciate it. We certainly appreciate the words from the President....

President Bush’s Thoughts:..Y’now what I’d really appreciate? Somebody ending this damn meeting. C’mon Brownie, wrap this crap up, it’s s'mores night at the ranch for the Secret Service guys and I gotta go down to the FINA station for more Hershey bars....

...BROWN: We have DOD assets over here at the EOC. They are fully engaged, and we are having those discussions with them now.

CHERTOFF: Good job.

BROWN: (Missing.)

CHERTOFF: I did, yes. Thank you.(Missing.)
(Laughter.)

BROWN: Are there any other questions or comments anyone needs to make? If not, carry on. Next meeting noon tomorrow. I'll see you from Baton Rouge.

President Bush’s Thoughts:...Oh thank God. FINALLY, it’s over. These fricking meetings are really screwing with my vacation hours! I don’t want to hear another word about God damned Katrina the rest of the week!

South Dakota’s Rapists and Incest Perpetrators Applaud State’s Defense of Their Fatherhood Rights

2006-03-07T11:11:00.000-08:00

A bill which would ban all abortions in South Dakota, unless necessary to save the mother's life, has been applauded by the state’s rapists and incest perpetrators who become fathers through their acts. The bill, designed to challenge Roe V. Wade in the US Supreme Court, makes it a crime for a doctor to perform an abortion, even in a case of rape or incest. It is thought to be the first bill in the nation to defend the fatherhood rights of inhuman monsters.

Will Penstamp, a rapist in Pierre South Dakota, said it was high time the state support his right to become a father. “I’ve been raping on and off for 20 years now,” said Penstamp, “and for me, it’s never been just about the reprehensible sexual assault of a woman’s body. Any true rapist will tell you the real thrill is the control you feel through the shame and scaring you cause in a woman’s life. I would really like to thank the South Dakota state legislature and Governor Mike Rounds in particular for recognizing this fact. By insuring that my victims carry the offspring from my violent act to full term I know they will never forget me. Where other states would callously allow victims an abortion to help them move on with their lives, the good people of South Dakota see me as a dad as well as a rapist. I hope this bill will finally challenge abortion rights in this country, so rapists nationwide will be allowed to experience the joys of fatherhood. But if the Justices only allow abortion bans on a state by state basis, at least rapist dads will know they have a home here in South Dakota!”

Abraham Flagstrom, a Sioux Falls area incest perpetrator, said he is proud to be a citizen of a state that recognizes his right to become a combination father and grandfather. “As a twisted freak who has regularly violated the most sacred trust between a father and daughter, “ said Flagstrom, “this issue means a lot to me. Thank God we still have Republican politicians of courage here in this state, who see it as their duty to require my daughter to spend 9 months carrying the results of my perverted need to break a taboo. In South Dakota, I'm now free to look forward to the day my daughter gives birth to her sister and I can hold my little daughter/granddaughter in my arms. Maybe it's just a dream, but thanks to this bill and the vile impulses that rule my sick life, perhaps one day I can be the father of her child too!”

The 59 Flavors of Windows Vista

2006-03-01T22:29:00.000-08:00

Microsoft corporation has announced that the next version of their Windows operating system, Windows Vista, will come in multiple versions and price points to better match the the various needs of it’s many customers. Following are the Windows Vista packages that should be available by the end of this year:

Windows Vista - Virus Free Starter Addition: A Windows Vista box with no software, only a static cling screen cover with the Vista menu page printed on it. Since no Windows software is installed Microsoft engineers guarantee your computer will be 100% virus and adware free!

Windows Vista Home Basic : The newer version of XP Home edition. Microsoft engineers say they have worked long hours to provide customers with a more stylish blue screen of death experience. “Oh, trust me, it will crash just as much,” says Microsoft Vista project head Dale Cobblejob, “but we’ve had some design firms come in and help with the look of our famous fatal error page. Since customers see it so often, we wanted to create a nice visual for them while they contemplate all the work they just lost.”

Windows Vista Home Basic N: This version will only be available in Europe as EU antitrust rulings have forced Microsoft to provide a version of their operating system without the Windows Media Player. The EU cancelled plans to require Microsoft to also create a version minus Internet Explorer when they realized it would have started a global population shift of grateful customers moving to Belgium just to get a copy.

Windows Vista Home Premium: This version includes all the features of Vista Basic along with Tablet PC and Media Center capabilities as well as Microsoft’s exclusive, Aero (TM) Interface. “It’s really a ham handed copy of the Mac OS X look and feel, but we call it Aero,” said Cobblejob. “We never consider our job done until we’ve created a pale imitation of the Apple OS. As for the Media Center functionality, we think we have a real opportunity here to offer Vista users the ability to crash their new big screen plasma TVs as often as their PCs!”

Windows Vista Business: Windows for small to medium sized businesses, who want to rely less on their own dedicated IT support. “Not that Vista Business will be much better than XP Pro, “ said Cobblejob, “it’s just that every box will include a list of Microsoft licensed 24 hour call centers located in India. That will free up IT personal in these businesses to add strategic value to the organization....or to be laid off on Friday and escorted out of the building.”

Windows Vista Enterprise: Designed for all large or global sized companies with complex information technology needs. This version features data protection and encryption technology. It will also hunt for any existing copy of Linux on an enterprise PC or server and erase it, charging only a nominal fee to the user for each copy destroyed.

Windows Vista Ultimate: Vista Ultimate combines all the features of Vista Home Premium and Vista Business combined into one package. “Hey, we have our fingers crossed that Ultimate will be the best of both worlds,” said Cobblejob, “but when a company reaches Microsoft’s behemoth like proportions, who are we kidding? With all the political infighting that goes on around here, consider yourself lucky if this sucker is stable enough to get you to the start screen.” Each Ultimate package will also include special bonuses, including a Bill Gates trading card, some gum, a Windows Vista decoder ring, a chocolate pudding cup, a “I heart Windows Vista” poster and t-shirt, a Steve Ballmer action figure, baked beans and Spam.

Bode Miller Takes Gold in the Jello-Shot

2006-02-27T16:39:00.000-08:00

Olympic downhill skier Bode Miller said he was elated by his only medal win during the Turin Winter games: a Jeno’s Bar "Booze-O-Lympics" first place gold in the jello-shot competition. “Of course everybody had written me off," said Miller, "but I knew the extra hours I was putting in at night were essential to bring home the gold. It's a true honor to wear this medal. It symbolizes the sacrifices I made over the last four years and Jeno said it can be redeemed for two-for-one specials at any of his franchise locations!"

Miller said it was a tough competition, but in the end, his dedication to grueling after hours partying finally paid off. Miller scored the gold in a “Drink The Rainbow” slalom. “You have to drink jello-shots in all the colors of the rainbow as you are pushed on a wheeled bar stool,” Miller said. “I was behind until the final heat, but I had a good feeling because of all the previous nights of chugging and projectile vomiting had really put me in the zone. That last run was a thing of beauty and, really, was why I came to Turin in the first place! The shots went down easy and I knew I had nailed it. I may not have been able to get out of a downhill starting gate the past two weeks, but I was unstoppable last night! Oh and trust me, there was some pot at the end of the rainbow, if you catch my drift”

Miller said he hopes the Olympic committee will consider partying as a demonstration sport in future Olympic games. “Hell, they’ve already rolled in the X-games to get younger viewers,” Miller said, “dude, this would be even bigger! Shot slaloms, 2 meter babe propositioning and keg emptying relays, are we talking awesome or what?! I’d like this Jeno’s Bar gold to be real Olympic gold one day. Besides I’m tired of getting smacked in the face by those downhill gates all the time, especially when I’m hung over.“

President Bush Names New Head of White House Security

2006-02-22T14:09:00.000-08:00

President Bush today named Oswald B. Ladenski, a leading expert in terrorism, to become head of White House security. The President said the Department of Homeland Security felt it was necessary to create the post due to the possibility of increased threats to the White House after the destruction of the Golden Dome Shrine in Iraq. “Boy howdy, you thought the Mohammed cartoons riled those folks up, “ said the President, “just wait until you see what happens after this!”

The President admitted he wasn’t aware of Ladenski being assigned to the new post until five minutes before his announcement. “But I trust the Chertoffinator,” said the President, referring to Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff, “he’s done such a bang up job with Katrina and the port security deal, that if he says Mr. Ladenski is the man for the job, who am I to argue? Mike-Mike said this guy’s resume’ is the second best he’s ever seen, after Michael Brown’s. Apparently Mr. Ladenski here has had experience in Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan and most recently in the hill country along the Afghan-Pakistani border, he has unique knowledge of the threats that may be coming our way.”

Mr. Ladenski said that the White House assignment was a dream come true. “At long last our years of planning have paid off,” said Ladenski, “ I am here, mere steps away from President Bush. Frankly, I’m a little surprised how quickly I’ve gained access to the White House, I only sent in my resume in last week on a whim. I told folks back home that Homeland Security would never pick me, I guess the multimillion dollar contribution we made to the G.O.P. helped the process go faster than we expected. I’m like a kid in a candy store here, not sure whether to look at the White House floor plans first or go over the launch codes with the president, Ah ha ha hah ha ha! Oh, sorry, nervous habit of mine, I tend to laugh maniacally whenever I get excited!”

Desperate White House Housewife

2006-02-20T03:10:00.000-08:00

In the beginning it was wonderful. He was just the guy I needed, experienced, knowledgeable about Washington and in charge of selecting himself. After the election we had a wonderful honeymoon. He really seemed to care that I did well back then, we were happy and carefree, ready to be friends as well as president and vice president.

Then things changed, he changed. That awful day in September affected us all, but Dick seemed to take it personally. I happened to be out of town, maybe that was it, he felt like it was his duty to take control and shoot down planes while I serpentined across the country. When I landed there wasn’t even a “Glad you’re OK” or “How are you?” from him, he just kept talking about how we had to attack Iraq! I was a little green then, I didn’t want to make him mad, I thought maybe we should concentrate on Afghanistan, but Dick seemed obsessed with Iraq. His old buddy, Mr. Post War Planner Rumsfeld, was there to back him up of course. “OK”, I said, “we’ll do it, will that make you happy?”

But it didn’t make him happy. He only seemed to get more sullen and secretive. I confronted him a few times, asking him just why he had to keep gallivanting off to his undisclosed location, but he’d just get all defensive and tell me it was none of my business. Me, the President of the United States and his whereabouts were none of my business? I started to get my reports of his activities second hand. Energy task forces, swearing at Senators and leaking the identity of a covert government operative, it was obvious he was getting out of control!

Well then this Texas quail hunt happened. I have never been so embarrassed in all my life! Honestly, how am I supposed to show may face around the other world leaders after this fiasco?. He goes off drinking and hunting with his pals and shoots a 78 year old guy in my home state and doesn’t even have the courtesy to call me until a day after it happens? What happened to us Dick? Why don’t we talk anymore? There are plenty of fish in the sea who would like to be the next Republican president you know! Why can’t it be like those first months again Dick, why? Maybe the honeymoon is finally over.

President Satisfied with Cheney's Explaination of Shooting, Awards Him Medal of Freedom

2006-02-16T20:36:00.000-08:00

President Bush today said he was satisfied with Vice President Dick Cheney’s explanation of his accidental shooting of a 78 year old man during a hunting trip over the weekend and awarded him the Presidential Medal of Freedom. “The Vice President felt just awful about shooting our good friend Harry Whittington,” said President Bush,"and he had such a hangdog expression after he explained what happened, I had to do something to brighten his day. These medals are a real pick-me-up, just ask George Tenet!”

“I’m sure the media would like to make this into a big story,” said Bush, “but it’s time to move on. I mean what really happened? So a sitting vice president shot a 78 year old man in the heart and face with a shot gun, I can’t understand why anyone would be interested in something like that. And this whole drinking question, so he had a few barley pops, big whoop! Who am I to judge? You’re talking to guy who would Hoover up a mirror full of coke in my wild days, just think what I would have done to hunting companions.”

“No, this is just another example of liberals trying to trump up a nothing story for political gain,” said President Bush. “Let’s not blame the vice president for discharging a shotgun into the face of a 78 year old man, let’s put the blame where it really lies, on the quail. We are presently looking into this particular bird’s background, just to see if it has any ties to terrorist networks. It would be just like al Qaeda to train quail that would embarrass the vice president in this way, remember, this is a time of war.”

The president said he is sure the vice president will be back in good spirits soon. “Dick is tough, it’s gonna take more than being responsible for a 78 year old man’s heart attack to cause the vice president to mope around the West Wing. I mean, as of today 2271 brave soldiers are dead in Iraq and we still josh and joke around the office, we’re just a crazy bunch that way. And if Dick starts acting like too much of a gloomy gus, I’ll just make up a new Presidential Double Secret Special Medal of Freedom and hang that around his neck too. I'd do anything to bring that sneer back to his face!”

Armed and Cantankerous

2006-02-13T14:45:00.000-08:00

The Place: West Wing Office of the Vice President. The time: 8 AM this morning. The Vice President is joined by his chief of staff, David Addington and his national security advisor, John Hannah...

Cheney: C’mon in boys. Just cleaning my gun here, that asshole Whittington got blood splatter all over the stock.

Addington: We’re getting some heat on the timeline of the shooting announcement sir....

Cheney: Yeah, it figures those press mongrels would be jumping all over this! I still don’t see why we even had to announce this damn thing. Whittington is old, he wandered in front of my birdshot, why do we have to embarrass him like this? I mean these things happen when you hunt, what’s the big deal?

Hannah: Well I think people are concerned when the vice president of the Untied States shoots someone.

Cheney: Oh right the anti-NRA folks! Jesus don’t get me started....do you think any of those folks have ever gone hunting? NO! What would they understand about the joys of gathering with friends and communing with nature in the primitive wilderness of a farm stocked luxury hunting ranch?

Addington: Yes sir. But maybe we should go over this again, just to make sure we're all on the same page if the reporters keep pressing.

Cheney: Goddam it! I told you what happened. We were coming up a ridge, the Secret Service guys were doing their duty, following 30 yards out and flushing the quail. Then fricking Whittington goes stumbling off to look for what he claims were a couple of birds, like that geezer could even tell if he hit anything. Well, I saw a quail go up on my right, it flew low to the ground to my left and I lifted my gun like this and....

BLAM!

Hannah: Uggghhhhh

Addington: Oh my God Mr. Vice President, you just shot Hannah!

Cheney: Yeah, it was just like that, Whittington came up on me just like Hannah there.

Addington: He’s really bleeding sir, I better call security!

Cheney: Oh c’mon, suck it up Hannah, it’s only birdshot! You’re as big a baby as Whittington, it's getting so folks can't take a little small arms fire anymore. What the hell is this world coming...

BLAM!

Addington: My face, my face! Yaaaaahhh!

Cheney: Don’t any of you people know the first thing about hunting safety? You never place yourself in front of the vice president’s loaded gun!! Jenny can you come in here please. we have a little situation.

Jenny: Yes Mr. Vice President, how can I....OH MY LORD! Mr. Addington! Mr. Hannah....the blood!

Cheney: Oh Jenny please! Settle down, it was just a little hunting accident, go get them some water and...

BLAM!

Jenny: Eeeahhhh!!

Cheney: Oooooo, Jenny, that looks like a gut shot, you better have the staff physician take a look. Well I bet the press is going to make this look bad. Unless....say, just spit balling here but what if I have the secret service take you guys around town and dump you! Yeah, then we can say it was D.C. crime or a terrorist deal. Oh Dick, only you can accidently shoot lemons and turn it into lemonade

Shakespeare's Lost Play: In the Court of George the W.

2006-02-09T17:27:00.000-08:00

Literary scholars recently uncovered this previous unknown manuscript of a play by William Shakespeare. Titled “In the Court of George the W.” the play is set in a kingdom of the new world, hundreds of years in the future from Shakespeare’s time. That One Blog now proudly presents these excerpts from this important work....

Act II Scene II - Lord Cheney speaks to Grand Duke Rove in the House of White

Lord Cheney: Good Duke Rove, come hither, thou must speak to thee away from ears to which wagging tongues are attached.

Grand Duke Rove: My Lord, pray, how can I serve thee?

Lord Cheney: Now, as the towers of our great city still smolder, your assistance I need!

Grand Duke Rove: I am sure, Lord Cheney, like you, this tragedy will allow this great kingdom to come together at last and to join the world in defeating those forces which....

Lord Cheney: Rove....thy name has many meanings. Do not rove in your flowery comments, tis not the time for aimless talk! Instead be that rove which is twisted for spinning! As this tragedy may bring us together it can also be used to divide and conquer!

Grand Duke Rove: Alas, I am afraid Lord Cheney knows thy name and thy person too well. Indeed, thou sees a great opportunity in this happenstance! As the victims have suffered let us make our political enemies suffer!

Lord Cheney: Thou divinest my intentions most clearly Rove. Weakness is what brought us here today. But no longer, power again will be ours, unchecked and unquestioned.

Grand Duke Rove: We will make it seem that to question George the W., will be to question loyalty to this land. But what of the leader? What say he?

Lord Cheney: Of what concern is that to us? George the W. will do as I say! Through feigned obsequiousness do I control him. Concern yourself not with what he says, come to me for future instruction.

Grand Duke Rove: Good Lord Cheney, I am your servant. I will go off and cloud the scribes and whisper falsehoods against our enemies. Dirty deeds done in troubled times are rarely questioned...but hark my Lord, George the W. approaches!

George the W.: Lord Cheney, Grand Duke Rove, I have returned and heard the news! We must do something!

Lord Cheney: Yes good Sire, I fear our enemies laugh at us, do you not agree Grand Duke Rove?

Grand Duke Rove: (Sigh) I am afraid Lord Cheney speaks the truth Sire. Enemies both foreign and domestic see us as weak and cowardly!

George the W.: Tis not true! As you often tell me Lord Cheney, I am a great leader, quick of mind but misunderestimated by all!

Lord Cheney: Yes my liege, but thine enemies here at home will not hesitate to lay all blame of this tragedy at thy feet. But I’m sure you know this already and have planned accordingly!

George the W.: Rrrrright.....I have.......what did I decide to do again?

Lord Cheney: Why, start a preemptive war against the Sultan of Hussein! What better way to show our strength and strike fear in the heart of thy foreign enemies!

Grand Duke Rove: And here in our kingdom we will use this tragedy to grant you any and all power, to oppose this request would show your political enemies to be in league with the evildoers!

George the W.: Ahhh.....right, that is right, I remember now. I will never again allow us to be attacked, make haste for God has delivered me for this purpose, only I can save this fair country!

George the W. exits

Grand Duke Rove: Alas Lord Cheney, tis like stealing toffee from babes!

Lord Cheney: But we are blessed dear Rove, to have the crown sit upon that head. A head free of will and contemplation, so easily turned to our dark purposes. Though he rules by title, it is we who will truly hold the power. I must go and attend him again, now go do what needs to be done dear friend, a kingdom is ours for the taking!

Act III Scene I - The Soliloquy of George the W.

George the W.: Heavy lays the burden upon the brow of most men who lead,
But not upon thee. Thy gut guides me most assuredly to my decisions.
Once made, ne’re a thought do I waste on them again.
Like the surface of a troubled sea, I do not reflect.
I am a tool. A tool of thy Higher Father, to help Him reclaim the world He made.
Yet thy lower father dispatches to me pleadings to not fall sway under Lord Cheney,
To ignore General Rumsfeld and his cons of Neo! To listen to others.
But I cannot allow that sire to influence this Sire! My birth do I owe to him but not thy life!
I am right, I am right, I am right! The mead I no longer drink, the divine purpose is mine!
And yet, as I lay in the blue shadow of night, do I not feel doubt?
Do not the spirits of those countless numbers lost under the cannon and gun call to me?
Per chance does cutting the taxes upon nobleman in this time of war vex me?
Must I always use fear to grasp and hold to this office and this power?
These thoughts ring of contemplation, and contemplation leads to weakness.
So up I turn the volume of thy ESPN, let it drown out doubt, let it drown out thought.
I am the King God has chosen, that is the only truth I need know!

Death Could Really Use a Holiday

2006-02-06T20:57:00.000-08:00

Oh hi, it’s me, death. Y’know the Grim Reaper. How are ya all doing? Me? Oh, fine I guess. I don’t know maybe it’s just the winter blahs but I’ve been feeling a little down lately. It’s this job. Sometimes, being that last figure everybody sees before they die can get to you.

Hey, I know what you’re going to say, “Reaper, you should be happy to have a job.” I know, you’re right, you’re right....death is a good living. It’s just that I can’t help feeling like I’d like to accomplish more than notifying folks they’re gonna be moving to the great beyond in a truly terrifying way. I mean, how many times can you tap some sweaty overweight middle aged guy on his shoulder with a boney finger? It gets so monotonous after a while.

And this outfit, please. We’re talking heavy muslin with a high thread count, and I have to wear it fall, winter, spring and summer and trust me, it does NOT breath. No cute pins for St. Patrick’s Day or Christmas, just this black robe, eternity in, eternity out. Plus, have you ever had to carry a huge scythe with you all over the place? I go to hospitals a lot and every damn one of them have those revolving doors now. Yeah, fine, better for energy consumption, whatever! Just try getting a giant scythe through one of them, it’s fricking impossible!

Also, this is not the best job for interaction with the clients. It’s not like I’m asking for much. What would be wrong with a pleasant little chat about the weather or how the Red Sox are doing once and while when I show up? But no, once I appear I get either abject speechlessness or that damn pleading for more time. I wish this job wasn’t just about the dying. Well sure, I am going to snatch you from the realm of the living, but it’s no reason to be freaking out the whole time!

Y’know, fine, I get it. I guess I just have to face facts, I’m not going to win any popularity contests. I should just take pride in the fact that I’m a professional and be happy that I do a good job. Go to the obit section of the paper today and tell me how you’d take all those folks out in a day or two. See, not as easy as it looks is it? And frankly I don’t know how I’m gonna handle that meteor strike next month, I guess I’ll have to hire temps or something. Well I better get back to it, see you around OK? Probably next month.

Bush Calls On Democrats To Become More Hopeful, Compassionate Pussies

2006-02-01T03:49:00.000-08:00

In his State of the Union address to the nation, President George W. Bush called on Democrats to stop their partisan bickering and attacks in order to become, “a more, compassionate, decent and hopeful party of pussies.”

The president said that in order to address the problems facing the nation, Democrats need to stop criticizing his policies, no matter how stupid or unconstitutional they are. “Washington has become a town of personal attacks and partisan ‘gotcha’,” said President Bush, “and I call on all Democrats to allow Karl Rove to continue in this great work, so they will look girlie and weak by the midterm elections! Democrats need to support the troops and refrain from calling attention to the endless blunders I have made in Iraq so that Vice President Cheney can continue to call you friends of Al-Qaeda.”

“I am simply asking you Democrats not to take the low road,” said President Bush, “like I do when I swiftboat actual combat vets like Murtha, Kerry and Cleland who oppose my policies. Trust me you can spend some sleepless nights when you call a guy who lost three limbs a coward and you didn’t even finish your National Guard service! If my presidency is to be considered a success I need you Democrats to continue to be weak and docile like cute little kittens.”

“On September 11th this nation was attacked and I knew it was time to act,” said the President. “I had to use this event to scare the nation shitless so that Republicans could gain control of Congress. These were the salad days, whatever we conservatives said you Democrats had to go along with. God it was great, we got Iraq going, Delay started the lobby money flowing and I got to listen in on your phone calls, all while you Democrats looked like the family pooch who just had an accident in the kitchen. But today as memories of 9/11 fade so do my poll numbers. Now more than ever I need Democrats to cower and whimper as they have done so successfully throughout my presidency. Now is not the time to grow a backbone, as you showed me with the non-fillibuster of Alito, you can indeed reclaim your mantle as the party of pussies!”

Bush to Heal Nation

2006-01-30T00:25:00.000-08:00

The following is text from George W. Bush’s upcoming State of the Union speech....

My fellow Americans, one of the most important problem facing this great land is the rising cost of health care. These costs, along with the rising numbers in uninsured citizens has reached crisis levels in America. It is time to act. Tonight I am announcing my administration’s Remedy For America Plan. This plan will consist of : A.) Me saying the words “health care” about 50 times in this State of the Union Speech B.) The development of a comprehensive series of half-assed measures that will address none of the basic problems in health care costs C.) Accusing Democrats of having no health care plan in mid-term election ads and through the talking points of our right wing pundits D.) A complete failure to follow through on any of the measures, so it will look like my Mission to Mars in a year's time. (Hold for applause.)

This health care crisis, which really has no impact on me personally since I’m under Chief Executive Blue Cross for the rest of my life, can still be used to score cheap political points while furthering my vision of an ownership society. I want you to own your health care costs, to reduce the burden of these programs on our poor and needy multinational corporations. The rising costs of health care are preventing the C.E.O’s of some of these companies from obtaining personal Gulfstream jets or third vacation homes in Aspen. Surely we can do better than this for our nations super rich and my major campaign contributors! (Hold for a low grumbling)

My staff has worked overtime coming up with tax deductions for health care expenses, health savings accounts and malpractice caps, all with fancy names that sound great on paper but will end up costing most of you middle class folks much more in deductibles. My hope is to again pull the wool over your eyes, to make you think I’m doing something about health care when, actually, all I plan to do is just throw out these lame proposals in this speech. Like my postwar Iraq plan and my emergency response to Katrina, I will again talk a great deal about how I have the answers while doing absolutely nothing to realistically deal with the situation. It is what you have come to expect from my administration.(Duck the rotten tomatoes.)

Footprints in the Sand

2006-01-27T10:25:00.000-08:00

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”

But Lord, I said, what are those marks near the last set of footprints?

“Ah...uhmm....look, I’ll come clean, the last time I carried you, during your drug addiction, I kinda lost my footing and dropped you. And....well.... it was so wet out there I couldn’t get a good grip on you so I had to drag you for a bit.”

You dragged me Lord?

“Yeah, it was only for a short stretch though, and I got all the candy wrappers and dead crabs out of your hair before I got you up again.”

I see Lord. Well.....thanks for carrying me most of times I was troubled and....

“OK, OK, since I’m laying my cards on the table here, see down the beach, when you were getting your divorce, I dropped you there too. That time I kinda rolled you along with my foot.”

Rolled me?

“Yeah, with my foot, it got the job done and your head only hit a couple of rocks. Look I’m all merciful and I don’t want to hurt your feelings or anything but you might want to mix a salad in every now and then.”

Are you saying I’m fat Heavenly Father? That’s not very kind.

“Kind!? Look pal, you’re talking to the deity who’s had to lug your lard butt down half of this sticking beach. I thought I was gonna get a hernia during your D.U.I! I think I have a right to tell you that maybe you should lay off the fast food and take a walk once and a while.”

I’ve been trying to lose weight....

“PLEASE, this is God you’re talking to! Deciding to forgo a third order of deep fried cheese curds is NOT a diet!”

Oh, my Lord it’s true, I am fat! I feel so low for having deceived you, this is truly a trying period in my life....

“Oh no you don’t......”

But you just said you would carry me when I was troubled.

“For the love of Me, DANG IT, why do I make these promises? CRAP! OK, give me sec......and HEEEEEEEAVE!”

Hey, I like this. It’s nice being carried. Thanks Lord.

“Gad.....oh Myself, did you eat a cow for lunch?! You must have gained 50 pounds from the last time....my feet are going a foot into the sand!”

I’ll let you know when I’m feeling better.

“Keep going with the smart remarks pal and I’ll turn you into a 250 pound salt lick.”

Leaked Photo of Bush/Abramoff Meeting Seems to Indicate Intimate Friendship

2006-01-24T02:23:00.000-08:00

A photo of President Bush and disgraced Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff leaked today seems to hint that the two had a much more intimate relationship than was previously admitted to by White House officials.

The photo was taken during a 2003 vacation the president took at Vice President Cheney’s Wyoming Ranch near the Brokeback mountain range. A spokesman for the president said that that although President Bush met with various fundraisers during that trip but does not specifically remember meeting with Abramoff nor taking long hikes alone with him into the mountains to discuss political favors for campaign contributions.

Forensic photo expert and school class photographer Dale Needlecrate of Maryland said he senses a vague unspoken passion in the photo. “It’s kind of obvious when you see this picture that there is something going on between these two guys, “ said Needlecrate, “I suspect it was that love for illegal fundraising which dare not speak it’s name. You can see that both men are in pain. They are trapped in a society with federal statutes against officials taking bribes so that their true feelings can never be revealed publicly. It’s kind of sad when you think about it.”

President Bush mentioned the photo briefly during his “Let’s Distract America By Discussing Terrorism Tour” in Southplank Kansas. “I really don’t know Jacky Boy...er...I mean this Abramoff guy,” said President Bush. “Look, I meet with so many folks lookin for favors in exchange for money they all kinda blur together after a while. I take tons a photos a day with these folks, we call ‘em “grip-and-grins”, so if there is one of me and Jack-a-diamonds....I mean, Abramoff, no big whoop! Plus, we waited until it was dark and we were alone in the tent with only the endless stars as our witnesses before he gave me that briefcase full of cash!”

Osama Bin Laden Finds His Non-Capture More Encouraging than Americans’ Doubts about Iraq War

2006-01-19T00:13:00.000-08:00

Osama Bin Laden, leader of the Al Qaeda terrorist organization says that his continued freedom after 9/11 has been more encouraging to him personally than doubts expressed by Americans over the Iraq war.

“I know Bush says that lack of support for the war in Iraq hurts his troops morale and encourages us terrorists,” said Bin Laden, “but actually, the fact I’m not in some secret CIA torture prison by now is more of a day brightener for me than his bad poll numbers.”

Speaking from a dank mountain cave along the Afgan-Pakistani border, Bin Laden said he is a little surprised that he still remains free. “Bush seemed so focused on me after the planes I sent took down those towers,” said Bin Laden, “but then he got that Iraq bug up his butt. I’m not complaining, honestly I thought my ass was grass at Tora Bora, but go figure. I could care less how bad things go in Iraq for Bush just as long as he keeps ignoring me. And I should make it to a ripe old age if things continue to heat up in Iran and Syria.”

“Life on the run is not all that much fun,” said Bin Laden, “it seems like, just as you are making one cave your home, you have to move on to the next one. The last spider hole I was in was nice and roomy, I planted some flowers around the secret opening, it looked real nice! But then one of my shit-for-brains lieutenants goes and pisses off the local tribal leader by skimming from his payoffs and we have to move into to this fricking hell hole. I’ve been walking around in bat dung or a week now. Still, when I think of the alternative, having electrodes attached to my scrotum while black op interrogators beat the crap out of me, I shouldn’t complain. I’m free right? I really don’t care how many antiwar protests you Americans hold, as long as I have my freedom, I’ll be one happy terrorist!”

Celebrity Experts Agree: Pitt/Jolie Baby is Going to Make Cruise/Holmes Kid Look Like a Real Uggo

2006-01-13T10:47:00.000-08:00

Celebrity experts from across the country feel the baby produced from the union of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie has the potential to be so beautiful, that even the expected child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will look hideous in comparison.

Sally Strathmore, Professor of Celebrity Studies at the Off Ramp Internet College in Kingman, AZ said that it is rare for two of the most attractive people in the world to reproduce. “Usually a guy that good looking is gay,” said Strathmore. “This is kind of a once-in-a century event and at the present time we have no means of measuring beauty of this magnitude. We think it may glow. We were all focused on that Cruise/Holmes kid until we got confirmation that Brad had knocked up Angelina. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Tom and Katie’s child will look OK, but Jesus Christ, we’re talking Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie here! Any other kid is gonna look like Quasimodo compared to their baby!”

“It’s been a rough 12 months for Cruise and now this,” says Dr. Wellman Roth, Director of the Institute of Celebrity Studies and Truck Driver School in Hollywood, CA. “The whole jumping on Oprah’s couch thing and yelling at Matt Lauer, he really didn’t need any more bad news. Look, I’m sure he’ll be a great and supportive father, even when he’s stuck with a kid who’s not nearly as attractive as the Pitt and Jolie’s baby. But he’s gotta be wishing Angelina had never broken up with Billy Bob Thornton. Because he and Katie would have won in that cute baby contest - no problem!”

Lance Dundee author of the Celebrity Stalk column in the Weekly Natterer tabloid said he doubts human beings will be able look directly at the Pitt/Jolie offspring. “It will probably be so beautiful that your retinas will burn or something,” said Dundee, “you’ll need a series of mirrors and a welders helmet to view it. Poor Tom and Katie, I’m sure they planned on three or four People covers with their kid, but this Pitt/Jolie baby is going to force them to hide it now, like it’s a circus sideshow freak. Cruise and Holmes’ only hope is that the Pitt/Jolie kid is so beautiful that it can’t be recorded digitally or on film.”

Hillary Clinton Says Being the Next Imperial President is Going to be “SA-WEEEET”

2006-01-10T20:15:00.000-08:00

New York Democratic Senator and projected 2008 presidential candidate Hilary Clinton says that she can’t wait to become the next imperial president of the United States. “Oh man, I really have to thank Bush and Cheney and all the work they’ve done to give the office of the president such unlimited powers, if I get elected it is going to be sooooo SA-WEEEET!”

Senator Clinton made the comments at the January Women in Politics forum in Washington D.C. “Ladies get ready,” said Clinton,”all our dreams are about to come true, and it will all be thanks to the conservative Republicans! Just think, universal healthcare, quality daycare for working families and lesbian weddings performed in the Rose Garden, Yeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaa! You really have to thank all those Republicans in congress who have spent the last 5 years ceding all their powers to the executive branch, it should make establishing a radical left wing agenda a piece of cake!!”

Senator Clinton also thinks she will have a lot less criticism directed at her than her husband President Bill Clinton experienced. “Jeez, think back to Bill’s last term,” said Senator Clinton, “all these right wing pundits on Fox News nearly had aneurysms over some unpleasantness with a chubby intern. But hell, THEIR guy started a preemptive war with no planning which has cost us brave young lives and untold billions, thinks spying on American citizens is a great idea and couldn’t even break away from vacation to make sure the gulf coast got a proper response after Katrina! Not only do they not criticize him, they think he’s doing a great job! If the bar has lowered that much, I should have smooth sailing for 8 years! And if any of them do get lippy, I’ll just say the policy is important for national security, that should shut them up!”

Senator Clinton said she wishes Bush and Cheney well in their mission to make the presidency even more powerful and secretive in their remaining years in office. “I say go for it boys!” said Clinton. “Really, it’s like they’re working for me now. The more power they consolidate, the more I’ll have my first day! I’ll probably be able to have drugs and prostitution legalized by the time my first inaugural ball starts. Or at least get construction started on those nationwide federally funded drive-thru abortion clinics we liberals have always had our hearts set on!”

Dr Max's Christmas Vacation

2005-12-26T10:56:00.000-08:00

Hello and Happy Holidays to one and all. Dr. Max here, on the road during the holidays. As you can see by the primitive rendition of my mug above, I am working with the simple tools of Microsoft Paint and a mouse on a PC with Windows 98. One makes do when one is visiting folks who are willing to put you up for the night (and not send you to the stables.) It has been a fun trip introducing our daughter to friends and family and has been made even more special by the flu bug that has been going around. Let’s just say along with carols, holly and egg nog our Christmas this year has been made extra special with the additions of projectile vomiting and diarrhea. Truly a Yule to remember.

Apologies to all for the lack of entries but I have found it difficult to find a good connection while in the bathroom. I do want to wish you all the best of the season, particularly those friends of That One Blog (see Prescribed Links) who have been so kind and encouraging to the Doctor over the past year. Hope the applicable midwinter celebration of you and yours has been happy and flu free.

Dr. Max will rejoin the blogosphere after the New Year and catch up with you all. 2005 has been so much fun with our President of the ages, I just can’t wait to see what he has in store for us in 2006!

I will raise a glass to you all on the stroke of midnight. I have a 2005 Pepto Bismol on ice for the occasion. Cheers and Happy New Year.

President Bush Says He Will Protect Freedom and Democracy By Shredding Constitution

2005-12-19T04:48:00.000-08:00

In an address to the nation President Bush said that he will stop at nothing to protect freedom and democracy from terrorism, even if he has to shred the constitution to do it. He called the recent revelations that he approved domestic spying without warrants as “a superb example of how much I treasure liberty, and no Bill of Rights will keep me from protecting it!”

“The war in Iraq is an example to the rest of the world of how important the establishment of democracy is,” said President Bush, “unfortunately I have to dismantle it here at home for the time being. The constitutional cornerstone of granting US citizens protection from governmental intrusion should be seen as quaint in these troubled times. Sometimes one must ignore the document one swore an oath to defend if the golden light of liberty is to shine it’s redemptive power on all citizens of the world. Well, at least those citizens living outside the United States.”

“I sometimes think we are a little too fixated on the constitution in this country,” continued President Bush. “I mean, hey, I’m the commander in chief for crying out loud, you can trust me! I’m only going to be spying on suspected terrorists who intend to do us harm, people who Karl Rove needs some deep background on for midterms and hippies.....I hate those smelly hippies! I’m sure there’s some fudge room in the constitution if the president needs to defend his country. I’m gonna make some time this weekend to read the damn thing and prove it to you! But it had better not make me too sleepy to watch Sports Center on ESPN.”

Rudolph Asking For Trade From Santa's Team

2005-12-14T00:19:00.000-08:00

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, superstar and lynchpin of Santa’s sleigh team has informed his agent that he would like to be traded. Rudolf’s agent and part-time dentist Hermey the Misfit Elf said Rudolph was only thinking of his family, “Rudolph lives in Florida in the off season and the commute back and forth from the North Pole has been hard for his wife Clarice and their fawns.”

Some see Rudolph’s request more as a calculated tactic to renegotiate his contract with Santa than a desire to spend more time with the family. “We signed Rudolph only two years ago as our franchise player,” said Comet, player/coach of the reindeer team. “Unfortunately we’re hemmed in by the strict salary cap rules of the Holiday Symbols League and we just have no more room.”

Rudolph has also been the subject of recent off-Christmas Eve scandals. A battery charge against the shiny nosed reindeer after a scuffle in a New York nightclub was settled out of court and an F.U.I. (Flying Under the Influence) charge led to a fine and community service as a road construction warning light.

Hermey said he has already gotten calls from several interested parties. “It seems it is pretty dark when the Easter Bunny hides his eggs,” said Herme, ”some extra light from Rudolph’s nose would come in handy, not to mention the time saved in flying over all that hopping. My client also told me that he thought, with the right make-up, he could be a pretty scary Halloween monster. If we have him put in some fake fangs and fly out of the sky with that nose on high beam I bet more than one trick or treater would pee their pants!”

When reached for comment, Santa Claus said it was his hope that things could be worked out with his lead reindeer. “Rudolph has always been a valued member of this organization ever since his breakout performance on that foggy Christmas Eve. We’d be sad to lose him. But Santa isn’t made of money you know, if Rudolph does leave we’re pretty sure we could replace him with a couple of high performance xenon headlights.”

Excerpt from Bob Woodward’s New Book: “Move Along, Nothing to See Here”

2005-12-12T01:22:00.000-08:00

I awake with the dawn. Being one of the reporters who changed history by breaking the Watergate story, I learned long ago that the early bird gets the scoop. Goddamn Bernstein would stay up till all hours, then sleep in until noon and stroll in with his unironed shirt tails hanging out. Not me, I was always up early, looking sharp in my pleated trousers, tailored shirts and tie. I would get in even before the overnight staff had left, making sure I had a fresh ribbon in my typewriter, going over my notes and brushing the Frito crumbs off my desk that Carl would leave when he was digging through my desk drawers WITHOUT my permission! The industrious habits I developed during the crucible of Watergate have made me the legendary reporter and best selling author I am today!

I cruise pass the White House guards with a salute. As is appropriate for the unofficial national journalist/author laureate of the United States I enjoy unequaled access to the decision makers of the Bush White House. Hardly a day goes by when I do not have a lunch or dinner date with one of the important officials who have steered the helm of the S.S. National Security from the wreckage of port 9/11, through the rocky shoals of the straights of Afghanistan and into the stormy Sea of Iraq. Oh SCORE! Woodward you magnificent bastard, is that an analogy or is that an analogy? My Naval service really pays off sometimes!

I lunch with my source. He knows that unlike a lot of modern day reporters he can trust me to keep his identity secret. Like Deep Throat/Mark Felt I consider the protection of my sources as essential to freedom of the press. More specifically my freedom to write personally enriching best sellers and to not show up for weeks and sometimes months on end at my office at the Washington Post. My source orders a four egg omelet filled with cheese, sausage, bacon and fried lard. Not really the best selection for a man with a pace maker, but I grant him his indulgences as he has had a tough week trying to preserve the important option of genital electrodes in the fight against terror. We again discuss the Valerie Plame affair. “An inconsequential trifle is all this is Bobby,” he says as unchewed omelet, lard and saliva fly from his mouth. I find I agree with him and yet I become thoughtful as I wipe egg from my designer glasses.

What has happened to journalism today? Why all this strum and drang regarding the outing of an undercover CIA operative? Why all this concern about ”untruths” that helped America start a preemptive war? Is it possible my journalistic instincts become so dulled by my relationships with the power elite and my meals with them featuring foie gras on braised spinach leaves (which no one does better than the White House chef, trust me) that I have failed to see the significance of finding absolutely no WMD’s?

I say to you no. I AM Bob Woodward after all. Hello, All the President’s Men ring any bells for you? Although that story was about lies and cover-ups by administration officials, I have been assured by Dick and George....er...wait, I mean my unidentified White House sources (NOT named Dick or George) that they have neither lied or covered up a thing! So the war has cost America nearly 225 billion dollars so far and over 2100 brave young lives. As my source is fond of saying, you can’t make a lard filled omelet without breaking some eggs.

Let the insignificant journalists who sit at the kiddie table of the Washington press corps be jealous of me. Go ahead, write your little stories about that storm in New Orleans or weak poll numbers, whatever the great unwashed care about outside the beltway. Bob Woodward is with the grown ups! Now that Judy Miller is gone (Yippee!) I am the one remaining journalist, not on the government payroll, who has the credentials to be rubbing elbows with the administration elite. To pal around with them. To shop for Christmas gifts for them. To occasionally take out their dry cleaning. Only I have earned the right to swallow hook line and sinker whatever cock and bull story they give me!

My source and I finish our mimosas. He explains to me how waterboarding works and says when he has the time he’ll take me along to a secret torture prison or two. I of course will keep all this to myself. Just as I kept secret that fact I knew about Valerie Plame. Mr. Bob Woodward has many more best sellers to write and a vacation home in Aspen he has his eye on. So when the time is right you’ll know all the facts I decide to tell you about the Plame affair, the Abraham Lincoln clone and that alien spacecraft in area 51.

Pagan Priest Says the Celebration of Christmas is Taking the Saturn Out of Saturnalia

2005-12-07T00:27:00.000-08:00

Pagan Priest, Yogar of The Glade, says the popular celebration of Christmas has caused people to virtually ignore the much older pagan midwinter festival called Saturnalia. “Ever since the Christian church co-opted December 25th as the day of Christ’s birth early in the fourth century, nary a soul remembers to worship the Roman God Saturn and thank him for the harvest on the winter solstice! They’ve all lost sight of the true meaning of the season” said Yogar.

These Christians are a clever bunch,” continued Yogar as he drank warm grog made from moss and ground deer antler, “since they could not stop the ancient celebrations which marked the solstice and since their Bible designated no clear date they dropped Jesus’ birth right in the middle of our Saturnalia! Now I’m sure Jesus was a cute baby and it’s hard to argue with the whole ‘peace on earth, goodwill to men’ philosophy, but I ask you, what of Saturnalia’s public debauchery and wine fueled orgies? It’s just sad that these Christians care so little for tradition.”

“When I hear of these concerns conservative Christians have today over Christ being taken out of Christmas, I have to smile,” said Yogar. “Hey, excuse me folks but why don’t you get your Savior out of our festival to relight the sun with burning arrows! And while we’re on the subject why don’t you give us back gift giving, tree decorating and kissing under the mistletoe, all which you stole from us pagans!! Doesn’t sound you’d have much of a holiday left without those babies does it?!”

“Oh, but I prattle on,” said Yogar. “Look, I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy a good turkey dinner and some football, or that I refuse to watch ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ if it comes on, I’m just saying you should try to remember that you all have a little pagan in you. I give your Jewish Carpenter his due props, but maybe all of you should also give a little thought to poor old forgotten Saturn. Perhaps, this year, after you follow the pagan inspired tradition of hanging your stockings over the fireplace burning the pagan inspired Yule log for pagan inspired Santa Claus you could find it in your heart to get totally plastered for Saturn. Thanks and Yo Saturnalia!”

White House Staffers Worried President Bush Spending Too Much Time in His “Total Recall” Chair

2005-12-02T00:54:00.000-08:00

White House officials who refuse to go on record say they are concerned that President George W. Bush is spending too much time in a memory implant chair provided to the White House by Rekall Incorporated. The Rekall chair is designed to provide an individual with false memories of an event, such as a vacation on Mars or a successful war in Iraq.

“We originally got the chair from Rekall after all the grief we got when the President spent that last month in Crawford,” said a White House staffer. “I mean, when Katrina hit and he stayed at the ranch it was a P.R. disaster. So we contacted Rekall and they sent the chair. It allowed the President to go to the ranch without leaving the White House! We loaded the chair’s matrix with lots of brush clearing and fence repair, stuff that makes the President happy. It worked great, he’d get out of the chair and he’d just be beaming.”

“Unfortunately things got out of hand when Iraq news started to get bad,” continued the staffer. “Honestly you don’t want to be around the President when he gets bad news. He nearly tore the head of an aide who put too much mayo on his club sandwich. You can imagine what he’s like after he gets the real numbers on combat ready Iraqi divisions! So we decided to create an alternate Iraq in the chair. It’s just like the real Iraq except there is no insurgency and their are daily parades for our troops.”

“We can’t get the President out of the damn chair now,” said the staffer who requested to remain anonymous. “He prefers the chair's matrix over an honest assessment of conditions on the ground in Iraq. I think the Strategy for Victory speech shows that President Bush may be slightly delusional now. It’s a great plan, it’s just for a war that doesn’t exist in the real world.”

“Our objective now is to turn the damn chair off tell the President that there was a parts failure,” said the staffer."We need to wean him off this thing and get him back to creating false impressions all on his own again.”

Gen. Casey Submitts Cut and Run Plan to Rumsfeld

2005-11-21T07:51:00.000-08:00

The top US commander in Iraq submitted a plan to Defense Secretary Rumsfeld on Friday outlining plans to begin the withdrawal of US troops starting early next year. Gen. George Casey, who submitted the plan, was quickly called a coward by House Republicans who accused him of trying to “cut and run”.

“This is like telling the insurgents we surrender,” said Kansas Representative Felix Danderwell, “and it really sends mixed messages to our troops. How are they suppose to know we support them unless we at home are willing to risk all of their lives in a decades long experiment in poorly planned nation building? I tell you this is NOT the armed forces I remember getting 15 deferments from during the Vietnam war!”

Georgia House Republican Dionne Vapors echoed fellow member Danderwell. “Just where does Gen. Casey get off submitting appeasement plans to the Secretary of Defense?” asked Vapors. “I think he should be using less white flags and more white phosphorus. If I had allowed either of my sons go within a hundred miles of an Army or Marine recruiter, I’d be ashamed that they were being led by this General Casey, who has the gall to consider letting Iraqis rule themselves.”

“This is just another example of the cut and run attitude that endangers the President’s great successes in Iraq,” said Republican Representative Morty Tucks of Texas. “We prefer a 'stay and pay' policy, wherein we keep dropping truly unimaginable amounts of money into the yawning abyss that is Iraq, in the hopes of gaining incremental improvements. So far it’s worked wonders and America can take pride in the democracy we’ve created for all Iraqi’s. Well, at least those who haven't been blown up by suicide bombers.”

Invitation To The Dance

2005-11-19T01:51:00.000-08:00

Hey folks. Dr. Max here. How are you all doing? Great! Before you ask, I don’t know how many hours are needed to thaw a 20 pound turkey, I actually prefer a straight-from-the-can cranberry tower over fresh cranberries, and to me, it ain’t Thanksgiving unless you have some lefse on the table.

Well as most of you have probably gathered from the paltry amount of recent posts on this blog, our new addition is keeping the Doctor fairly busy. She has adjusted quite well to her new life, but 18-month-olds tend to think gravity is an urban myth. Her mom and I trade off being her spotter when she decides to see how much height she can get off a couch cushion.

She is also a chatterbox. We get long dialogs each day and are forced to agree with her since our chinese is less than fluent. Actually she is from Hubei province, which I’ve subsequently learned has a wide variety of dialects. Several Mandarin Chinese speaking friends have chatted with her and told us they had no idea what she was saying either, so we don’t feel so bad. English words are coming out more frequently, it won’t be long before she can tell dad that his cooking stinks.

Our son has also done well with all the change, but there is certainly a different dynamic with two kids over one. As I am getting one dressed the other will take it as their cue to create a mess of category 5 hurricane status in another room. Dinners have also become more interesting. Several nights ago we experienced what historians will refer to as the Great Spaghetti Noodle War of ‘05. There was no food fight per se, but when the meal was over our kitchen floor resembled the train yard scene in Gone With the Wind; with spaghetti, meatballs and sauce taking the place of the wounded confederate soldiers.

Our daughter loves to wiggle her hips and clap her hands whenever she hears music. She will also ask her dad to join her in an improvised polonaise in the living room. Watching the Doctor dance is not very pretty, but she is kind and doesn’t laugh at me too much. And as we gambol our way through the house I find that as much as I would enjoy doing a blog post about the President’s new favorite word “irresponsible”, I am content to just keep on dancing. I know there is much that is wrong in this world, but being around the innocence of a toddler tends to give one hope about life. So please be patient, politics, the war and the president will have to wait for a bit. I’ve got a little girl who needs to learn how to do the Hustle.

Bush Scolds Democrats for Attacks on His Delusions

2005-11-14T20:48:00.000-08:00

President Bush today accused Democrats of attacking his administration's delusions, which were instrumental in getting our country into the war in Iraq. The president continued his effort to rebuild his image today by scolding Democrats for using truth and facts to rewrite imaginary history.

Speaking before a meeting of the Conservative Americans for Presidential Photo Ops, the president said that it was unfair of Democrats to be using the war in Iraq for political gain. “Hey, that’s our department! Only us Republicans have permission to use this war for politics,” said President Bush. “Hello? Doesn’t anybody remember me flyin' in on that aircraft carrier in that cool suit? And excuse me Democrats, but our neocons came up with this cockamamy scheme and it was my administration that had to burn the midnight oil to manipulate the intelligence and present to the American people all the information we felt would scare the crap out of them. It worked didn't it? Don’t be saying now that our lies were bad just because we have no exit strategy!”

The President said that Democratic partisan attacks upon his administration’s deceptions are, in his mind, even more damaging to our troops than the complete and utter lack of any post invasion planning. “I am convinced our enemies take great comfort when anyone questions my Defense Department’s ham handed efforts after the initial march to Baghdad,” said the president. “So we had no idea what the hell we were doing when we got there! So we expected parades and got an insurgency! What good does it do to point that out all the time? I mean if I were a brave National Guardsman in Iraq doing my duty, I’d feel bad enough being led by a Commander in Chief who wasn't interested enough to finish his own Guard commitments, let alone having to listen to a lot of whining about how the WMD’s we said were there, in fact, never existed. Doesn’t anyone care about our troops anymore?”

President Bush said he would continue to present his own delusionary vision to the American people, no matter how low his poll numbers dropped. “I think my multi-city tour to overhaul Social Security shows that reality doesn’t interest me anymore, “ said Bush. “I prefer to believe in the alternate universe we created in the lead up to war. It’s a magic land beyond the moon and past the stars. I’m still a beloved leader there, everybody still respects me! They’ve named parks and schools all over Iraq after me! Also there are lollipop trees, chocolate clouds and all Democrats are in our secret torture prisons!”

Good Times Ahmad.....Good Times

2005-11-09T20:41:00.000-08:00

Condoleezza Rice: Don, are you busy? Guess what character came to see us?

Donald Rumsfeld: Oh crap, is it Scooter? Because I don’t think we should be seen talking to him any....

Ahmad Chalabi: Not to worry Donster, It’s not Scooter.

Donald Rumsfeld: CHALABABY! Well you son-of-a-bitch, how the hell are you?! Jesus Christ, how long has it been? I don’t think I’ve seen you since our postwar meetings!

Ahmad Chalabi: Nice planning on that by the way Donno!

Donald Rumsfeld: Same old Ahmad, always busting my balls. Say, did I ever thank you for all that great prewar intelligence, seems you over estimated the WMDs a bit there son!

Ahmad Chalabi: We have a saying in our country Rummy Tum Tum, when you are wooing a woman, you need flowers, candy and bullshit.

Condoleezza Rice: I’m sorry?

Donald Rumsfeld: Oh look at Ms. Serious Pants here, ever since she was made Secretary of State. Condi, c’mon, it’s Chalababy, he’s always been a kidder!

Condoleezza Rice: Well watch it boys, remember I promised to investigate that leak from Mr. Chalabi when he informed the Iranians we broke their code!

Ahmad Chalabi: Now see here, I categorically deny that I had any involv...

Condoleezza Rice: Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Donald Rumsfeld: Ah ha ha ha ha, SNORT! Oh Condi, that was great, he fell for it hook, line and sinker! Hee ha ha ha...like we’d investigate anything involving the war, oh that’s rich!

Ahmad Chalabi: You bastards. I guess you are one of the boys now Secretary Rice!

Condoleezza Rice: Sorry Ahmad, giggle, but you should have seen your face. So can we take you to lunch over at TGI Fridays?

Ahmad Chalabi: Damn, that sounds good, do they still have those potato skin appetizers? Nah I can’t, I have to go over to the American Enterprise Institute to give a speech, they LOVE me over there. You’d think they wouldn’t want me within 50 miles of the place after the Iranian deal! But hell, you guys revealed a CIA operative, I guess Republicans don’t care much about treason anymore.

Donald Rumsfeld: Well hell, why don't you stop by later! Maybe we can go out for brewskies and talk about how there’s the dawn of a new age in Iraq.

Ahmad Chalabi: Yeah, good one Don Don, a new age of car bombs you mean! Let me give you hug you big lug. Thanks for everything buddy, really appreciate all the money you spent and those lives you lost to get me the Deputy Prime Minister post. I love ya man!

Donald Rumsfeld: Hey back at ya! Thanks for all the help in getting the war started, couldn’t have done it without you!

Condoleezza Rice: OK if you two are through being gay now, I’ll see Ahmad out.

Ahmad Chalabi: Jesus, she really has come around hasn’t she Don? See yah later buddy!

Donald Rumsfeld: Bye Chalababy, take care. Well wasn’t that nice? Kinda like a little college reunion there, good to see ol' Ahmad again and...wait a minute....where the hell is my wallet?

What if George W. Bush... Had Been President at the Dawn of the Nuclear Age

2005-11-03T20:26:00.000-08:00

In 1939 nuclear scientists including Albert Einstein & Leo Szilard warned President Franklin Roosevelt of the progress German scientist were making with nuclear fission. At their urging Roosevelt set up the Manhattan Project. That One Blog would now like to imagine what would have happened had George W. Bush been our president at this crucial turning point in history....

Albert Einstein: Thank you very much for seeing us today Mr. President. My colleague Leo Szilard and I would like to explain to you the danger we feel is possible if the Nazis develop a “nuclear” weapon before the United States.

President Bush: Say did either of you fellows hear the Charlie McCarthy show last night on the radio? You guys are scientist types, how does that Edgar Bergen do that ventriloquist thing with his voice. I swear, I about laughed myself sick when Mortimer Snerd came on!

Leo Szilard: Mr. President, we must urge that you act swiftly, we feel that since the Germans have achieved nuclear fission, they could develop an atomic bomb. This would be a weapon of such awesome power, they could very well achieve their plans for world domination.

President Bush: I bet you got teased in school, I can’t even figure out how to pronounce your last name, S-Z-I-L-A-R-D....Sizzlelard? Sazilard? How about I just call you Sizzleguy. And Al, I’m gonna call you Socket....cause it looks like you stuck you finger in a socket to get your hair like that, Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

Albert Einstein: Ahh.....Mr. President, please, this is very serious. The United States must make nuclear technology development it’s top priority and utilize the best minds available in the country today or I fear the country’s survival is in doubt.

President Bush: Settle down their Mr. Einstein, you’re acting as crazy as your hair. Let me remind you that I am the President of the United States! I think I know best how to defend this great country. I got all the arms dealers who contributed to my campaign busy making bombs with real things like gun powder and stuff. I’m not gonna to let a pair a guys who came over on a boat get my spurs in a twist just because you like to use a bunch a fancy scientopic words that sound like they came out of a Buck Rogers serial! “Atom” bomb? Please, I wasn’t born yesterday y’know.

Leo Szilard: Mr. President, we are just trying to relate the great sense of urgency we feel is necessary! We are dealing with some of the basic laws of the universe here and..

President Bush: Hold on their son, the only basic laws I need to know are in the Good Book! That’s just like you scientist types, using all your facts and figures to deny the real truth that lies in the Bible and the grand intelligent design brought about by our Higher Father. I don’t recall him saying anything about any atoms, fissures or radiators! And I ain’t going to be using the taxpayers money to spend willy-nilly on some imaginary codswallop! Hell, next thing you’ll tell me is we shouldn’t drill for oil because it smokes up the air too much! I got a lot of work to do here boys, I appreciate you coming in and all. Here, take some White House pens with you.

Albert Einstein: But Mr. President please!

Leo Szilard: President Bush, you must listen...

President Bush: I said GOOD DAY gentleman!

(Einstein and Szilard are escorted out)

President Bush: Boy howdy, what a couple of nerds. Ding dang it, they almost made me miss Jack Benny!

President Bush later presided at the surrender ceremonies of the eastern United States to Germany and the western United States to Japan. He spend the remainder of his life in exile as guest of the Saudi royal family.

White House Concerned with Cheney’s Power, Influence and Unquenchable Thirst for Human Blood

2005-10-31T23:50:00.000-08:00

Sources at the White House say the Plame scandal has caused them to become increasingly concerned with the power and influence exerted in the executive branch by Vice President Dick Cheney. The sources also say they are becoming uncomfortable with Cheney’s status as lord of the undead, who stalks Washington DC for victims to slake his thirst for human blood.

“Sure, this is all focused on Scooter Libby now, but he was Cheney’s chief of staff,” said a White House official close to the President. “The whole Iraq war justification program was a Cheney operation from top to bottom. He said he couldn’t trust the CIA or other intelligence sources so he goes out and gets a bunch of bogus WMD claims and al-Qaeda/Iraq connections from Chalabi. It was really an overreach by the Vice President, “ said the source. “Also, did you know you can’t see Cheney’s reflection in a mirror?”

“President Bush looked up to the Vice President at first since he had worked with his dad. The President thought he needed Cheney’s help when he first got to the Oval Office,” said the source. “But once 9/11 happened, Cheney began to exert more and more influence. He had this way of opening a thin cut in his chest, near his pace maker scar, and making various agency officials drink the blood that came from the cut. From then on they were his slaves, providing him with any background information he needed and making sure he had a coffin with soil from Wyoming were he could sleep during the day.”

The source said the White House is reconsidering the role the Vice President plays in the administration. “This Plame scandal has really messed with our second term agenda, and the Vice President has to realize he is responsible for some of this, “ said the source. “His unholy thirst for blood is also distracting for us, as the Secret Service agents on his detail are constantly being utilized to drive stakes through the hearts of his victims. It’s not what people think their tax money should be used for!”

“The Vice President will have to understand that changes must be made. If not we will be forced to call for a daytime press conference with him in the Rose Garden,” said the source. “ I don’t think there is an SPF high enough to keep him from turning into dust. Let’s just say vampires are not known for their tans.”

Dr. Max Returns and Explains

2005-10-28T22:20:00.000-07:00

Hey folks, how are you all doing? Yes it is really me, Dr. Max, not some reposted article from That One Blog’s past. It’s good to be back online again. For those of you who have not given up on the blog after having to reread yet another posting from April, I feel I owe you an explanation.

As many of you know, this is not really a “personal” blog. I don’t reveal too much about myself or my life, it’s focus is mainly on lame attempts at humor. But since my I.P.M. (Important Personal Mission) interrupted the flow of “wit”, I feel I need to come clean. To confess. To perform a “People Magazine” for you, my dear readers.

Dr. Max and his family have just returned from China, where we adopted a beautiful baby girl. Really. No joke (see, this is the problem when you try to get serious on a humor blog. Honest, I have the bloodshot, jet lagged eyes to prove it!) Our daughter has made the transition truly easy by being such a charmer, and even though we first met her only two weeks ago it feels like she has always been a part of our family. This was our second adoption from China, we have a son, now 6, who we adopted in 2000.

My wife and I are now in that wonder/panic state that comes with new parenthood. Wonder at the love that develops so quickly and is so deep that it is the only thing in my life that I can classify as a miracle. Panic with worry that our parenting skills will give her and our son the happy and healthy lives they deserve.

We have friends that have decided not to have kids and we completely respect their decision. I tell them that everything they fear about parenting is true. There is no other more exhausting, chaotic, and frustrating exercise in life than being a mom or dad. It’s just that when you actually become a parent you don’t mind so much. It is a surprising day when you and your spouse find yourself in a deep conversation about he quantity and quality of your baby’s poop and you find you’re enjoying it.

I am not big on advocacy. I figure everyone knows best about their own lives and can make their important decisions for themselves. However, if any of you are contemplating an adoption,foreign or domestic, and you understand the goal is to provide a child love, a home and a family, than go for it. There are so many kids out there who need love. Some people wonder if they will feel an adopted child is their own, from my two experiences, it all becomes a moot point about one second after you hold them for the first time.

As a stay at home parent, Dr. Max will now be knee deep in the daily chores that come along with a 17-month-old and also trying to get a 6-year-old out the door to school. I can tell already that I will not be posting as frequently as I used to, as getting our daughter used to her new life will take priority over blogging. I will shoot for three posts a week, if a day or two goes by with the same entry, just picture the doctor changing a diaper, reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar or investigating who put peanut butter in the remote control. I have no doubt however that our great President and his administration of responsibility will occasionally inspire a post or two more some weeks.

So there you have it, a true confession. That wasn’t so bad. In fact that felt kinda good. I should do this more often, reveal all my personal secrets to the public so I can attract increased traffic and sell ads. Yeah....I could talk about how the Snuggle Fabric Softener Dryer Sheet ads always make me cry or that itchy rash that won’t go away. Oh who am I kidding? After the rash, I got nothin’. I guess it’ll be just more lame humor. Sorry folks.

Thomas Kinkade's "Meth Lab in the Woods" a Poor Seller

2005-10-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

How could I deny any of you another look at this classic post from 7/10/05? Well I can't, so please enjoy

A new series of paintings by Thomas Kinkade have met with uncharacteristically slow sales. The series called The Hovels is a departure for the artist whose previous light infused paintings of faith, nature, cottages and small town villages have made him America’s most collected living artist. The Hovels consists of three paintings, Meth Lab in the Woods, Crack House by the Viaduct and XXX Video Store with Attached Apartment near the Airport.

Tad Vanderhike, Director of the Kinkade Collectables Galleries which are franchised throughout the United States said he tried to talk the artist out of the new series. “I did my best, but Thomas said he wanted to deal with darker, edgier material,” said Vanderhike. “I think he felt he wasn’t being taken seriously enough as an artist. I said to him, I said, ‘Tommy, sweetheart, what’s wrong with a quaint bed and breakfast or a nice lighthouse at sunset, I can’t keep those prints in stock’ but he wouldn’t listen. Do you know how many of the Meth Lab prints I’ve sold? Eight....that’s right, eight in the entire country!”

Vanderhike was confident that Kinkade will return to his usual subjects soon. “He has to pay the rent,” said Vanerhike. “Look, the guy can make a picture of a Christmas Cottage and if you are looking at it you swear it’s really lit by the moon in the picture, he didn’t get the title ‘Painter of Light’ for nothing! And to be honest, he is so good he gets the same effect with that prostitute and the street light in the Crack House painting. It’s just that no one is going to pay a thousand bucks for a Publisher’s Proof so they can hang a well lit hooker on their living room wall!”

Stay Tuned, new post tomorrow....Dr. Max

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Supreme Court Decision Leaves Status of Devil Worship Monument in Doubt

2005-10-25T12:07:00.000-07:00

Dr. Max appreciates your patience in this time of reruns. We will return to normal programing soon. While you are waiting why not enjoy this post from 7/2/05? Thank you

The recent ruling by the U.S. Supreme Court allowing the display of religious exhibits on state grounds if the original purpose was not to promote religion, has left in doubt the status of the Devil Worship Monument in front of the Greensdale County Courthouse.

Greensdale City Clerk, Barry Lingman, said the Devil Worship Monument was erected in error on government property in 1965. “Well, Mrs. Daulsberg was the office secretary back in ‘65.” said Lingman. “She was the sweetest old lady but sometimes she got a bit confused. There was a film going around the drive-in theater circuit back then called The Devil Worshiper, I think Chad Everett or one of those guys was in it. Anyway, the promoter called to get permission to erect this Devil Worship Monument out in front of the ticket booth at the Starlight Drive-In, you know, to promote the movie. Now as it happens, we were also putting up a Historic Marker right in front of the Courthouse that same week. Again, Mrs. Daulsberg was just the salt of the earth, but she got the construction permits all screwed up and we ended up with that Devil Worship thing on our front lawn! Which, of course, we would have removed right away if not for Master Mephisto!”

Master Mephisto, self proclaimed Warlock Supreme in the Coven of Greensdale has filed multiple lawsuits in state court to prevent removal of the Devil Worship Monument. “The Dark One is my lord and I gladly serve him,” said Mephisto. “This is my religion and I must have the freedom to protect those symbols which celebrate it! My coven, which consists of me and my son Hank, will file as many lawsuits as it takes to keep this tribute to the grand tradition of satanism in our country standing. We take our religion as seriously as our septic tank repair business!”

Lingman said, “I tell ya, we are in a pickle. We’re not sure if the Supreme Court said it's OK to tear that stupid thing down or if we are now required by law to leave it up. We can’t really make head or tales of the ruling. We just wish Mephisto, and by the way his real name is Leonard Milton, we just wish Leonard would drop his lawsuits and let us do what’s right. Man, I’d trade places in a second with any of those cities having fights over a measly Ten Commandments Monument!”

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Guests in My Garden

2005-10-24T11:41:00.000-07:00

Feeling nostalgic? Good! Here is a post from 6/26/05, dusted off and lovingly redisplayed for fans of vintage That One Blog

It’s always a treat for me to walk in my garden. Gardens are a way for us to keep a connection to nature. As I walk among my plants I see some tiny guests have joined me. I spot some small aphids feeding on my summer thyme. Amazing creatures. I watch as they climb from the base of the plant all the way to the tallest leaves. I spray them directly with diazinon, and watch as they fall, dead before they hit the ground.

As I walk by my hydrangeas I spot the beautiful Monarch butterfly. This delicate creature probably flew all the way from Mexico to grace my garden. I watch as it flutters from flower to flower, it’s orange and black wings catching the sunlight as it does. A quick fogging of the area with extra strength sumethrin and tetramethrin knocks the Monarch and several small sparrows out of the sky in mid-flight!

Feeling slightly dizzy after breathing in some of the fog I retreat to the bench in a shady arbor in the back. Here I see the lattice work of a fragile web, I also spot the spider that created it. I hear the sound of bees, delighting in my patch of lavender. An army of ants makes a line around my daylilies, which are particularly lush this year. When faced with so many types of insects, I find I have no choice but to turn to my canister of black market DDT. Covering the area thoroughly it takes only minutes before all signs of movement stop. The murder of these disgusting, dirty insects is worth the price one must pay in hair loss and bleeding from the eyes!

Yes, gardens are indeed a blessing to the soul. And if any more of these small “guests” show up, I plan on introducing them to my new pal, Mr .357 Magnum!

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Reason for World Naked Bike Ride Protest Lost in all the Nudity

2005-10-21T11:36:00.000-07:00

Yet another repeat, lovingly brought back to life from 6/14/05. No need to thank me, just enjoy

The World Naked Bike Ride held on June 11th may have been flawed, due to the fact that all the nude people on bikes distracted from the protest’s goal of publicizing the world’s dependency on oil.

Matt Sugarman, who observed the ride in Seattle WA, said he couldn’t remember what the protest was about. “I’m, like, sitting there and three girls go by, totally buck naked! Riding bikes! If you’re telling me it was about oil, fine, it’s just my mind kind of went blank after I spotted the first nipple!”

Rebecca Collinsworth of Naperville IL, said several of the Chicago male bikers stopped to chat about the reason for their protest. “I should have been paying attention to what they were saying,” Collinsworth said, “I think they were talking about how we are a society that depends too much on gas and oil, but I’m not sure. All my concentration was going into not staring at their penises.”

One of the riders in the Austin TX protest, Burt Anderson said he hoped that riding a bike naked down a city street would show people that there are alternatives to gas powered vehicles. “The nudity is just a way to draw people’s attention," said Anderson, "hopefully some of them realize they can give up these poison belching monstrosities and get to work while getting in shape!” Austin resident Janice Tucker, who saw Anderson ride said, “Well I tell you what, I wasn’t thinking about alternative transportation when he passed me and rounded the corner. I just kept thinking the dude should keep an ass that pale and hairy covered up.”

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Perry Mason Wraps Up the Case

2005-10-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

Yet another gem from Dr. Max's archive, 6/12/05, restored to near mint condition for your re-entertainment

Paul Drake: Well I was there, I saw him confess on the stand Perry, but I’ll never understand how you knew that Barker was was the one that murdered Townlenson!

Perry Mason: It was quite simple Paul, once I heard Barker tell Hamilton Burger that he had left the Torch Lounge at 2:00 AM and not 2:45 AM as he reported to the Lt. Tragg, I knew that meant he had enough time to travel up to Mulholland Drive and retrieve the gun from his ex-girlfriend Dina Kraugstaff’s house, shoot Professor Townlenson at the lab and then return back to his apartment before the phone call from police to inform him of the the professor’s death, which he had said woke him up.

Della Street: I see, then his fight with Neederman was just a ruse!

Perry Mason: Right Della, he had been blackmailing Neederman’s secretary to give him an alibi in case Weirnheimer and Kenderbine every found out about his affair with Gotterdale’s wife.

Paul Drake: Then Barker knew that Gotterdale, Stevens and Thorsen were checking into the firm’s finances and would have suspected that he embezzled some funds.

Perry Mason: Precisely Paul, if Barker had known that Levinson had told Andrews about where Kraugstaff kept his gun he surely would have had doubts about the deed to the silver mine.

Della Street: Which means Haverlake couldn’t have been at the museum when the security guard said he was!

Perry Mason: Right, and that meant Barker was lying about the bonds and his tax returns from 1959. So Townlenson had to go.

Paul Drake: It’s so obvious, and I just couldn’t see it. I guess you need a new investigator Perry!

Perry Mason: Paul, don’t be ridiculous! I couldn’t fire you, not when you’re going to buy us all dinner.

Della Street: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Paul Drake: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Perry Mason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

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Critic Reviews Last Night's Dream

2005-10-19T11:24:00.000-07:00

As you walk down memory lane, be careful not to trip over this posting from 6/11/05

It was with much anticipation that I awaited the newest dream from my subconscious last night. However, upon waking, I find that the dream was both unoriginal and disappointing. It’s plotting was confused and it’s images seemed arbitrary. This was not a “dream” come true.

The dream started with me running naked into my old high school, late for a final exam. My unconcern about being disrobed stuck me as being implausible and the whole “late for the final” theme has been done to death in previous nightmares. When will the unthinking part of my brain start producing bolder themes which challenge my perceptions about the world and my place in it?

Then, almost as if on cue, my mother appeared. She was wearing a catcher's mask and a pirate hat. She told me not to eat the telephone. Excuse me subconscious, what point were you trying to make? If I wanted a plot that made this little sense I would have rented Eyes Wide Shut again. At least Nicole Kidman is naked in that movie and not me!

And then as if to put the last derivative cherry on this sundae of clichés I once again found myself being chased by an unseen monster while my legs seemed unable to move me forward. OK, thank you REM sleep, but I’ve been watching this same scene since I was 8 years old! Is it asking too much to find a more original script?

I’m afraid I give last nights dream only 1.5 stars. Lack of a coherent plot and banality of themes makes me wonder if my subconscious really has the talent for directing these nighttime productions or if it should just go back to regulating my breathing.

All Darthed Up With Nowhere To Go

2005-10-18T11:14:00.000-07:00

Pretend you are time traveling all the way back to 5/19/05 as you read today's recycled post

I should have seen it coming.

When Sally Reese, head cheerleader, started flirting with me I should have felt something in the force. But I guess, even Barry Dunsnale, Vice President of the Reynolds County Star Wars fan club can be deceived by those from the dark side.

It was weeks ago. I had scored reserved seating for the midnight premiere of Star Wars Episode III, Revenge of the Sith (being a fan club official DOES have it’s privileges). Then all of a sudden Sally Reese, out of the blue mind you, compliments me on my Dr. Who backpack. After a majority of my Junior and Senior High life virtually free of any female attention, all it took was one comment from the head cheerleader to cloud my mind. She told me she’d love to go to the premiere with me, and that she wanted to bring some of the other cheerleaders along too. Which took care of all my eight tickets.

What plans I had for Sally and me. After the midnight showing I would take her back to my Mom’s house for some Hi-C and Chex Mix in the basement. Sally would watch as I typed in my comments on the Star Wars Fanboy Midnight Premiere Review Forum. After reading my insights on how Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader, Sally would turn to me, and lit only by the Hamm's waterfall beer sign, kiss me. Oh what a fool I was.

As I stood in line in my official Episode III Vader outfit, Sally told me she would love to have a Coke Icee from the Target across from the theater parking lot. Sally said she’d hold the tickets for the other girls. I, being a gentleman, told milady that I would be honored to grant her wish. I crossed the lot, my Darth Vader cape flowing in the evening breeze. But what did I see upon my return? Sally did indeed have fellow cheerleaders with her, but also in her company was Andrew Hansburg, quarterback for our school’s Fighting Hornets. Several of his comrades were also present. Four football players and four cheerleaders. Which meant we did not have enough tickets. And the screening was sold out! I asked Sally what was up. It was then she laughed at me, and told me to take my stupid outfit and go home.

My anger could not be assuaged. I told Sally that she was deceitful and that I rightfully belonged in that theater. There was never going to be another midnight premiere of a Star Wars film, I would not be denied! Andrew and the rest of the football players then descended upon my person. Let’s just say no snuggy has ever cut so deep.

So here I sit, at the curb outside the theater. I can feel the bass of the special effects under my feet. Life is cruel, I guess Sally has taught me that lesson. I take a sip of the Coke Icee and look up at the stars, some from galaxies far far away. The starlight wavers in the deep dark sky, a few from the heat escaping from the parking lot, but most from the tears in my eyes.

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Cerumenex May Not Be For Everyone

2005-10-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

Like fine wine, old posts age to perfection. Today's post is vintage 6/9/05, enjoy

The Cerumenex Patch is manufactured by Tentacumed Pharmaceuticals. The Cerumenex Patch is to be used by those suffering from E.E.W.B.S., Excessive Ear Wax Buildup Syndrome, a term our guys in marketing made up to so you’ll ask your doctor to prescribe it rather than buying Q-Tips. Our advertising is geared to make you think this condition is common when all our studies (which we will never show anyone unless forced to by a lawsuit) show it is actually quite rare.

The Cerumenex Patch is to be placed on a shaved area of the skull. The highly concentrated drugs and hormones may cause a burning sensation or actual flames. Those with high blood pressure, kidney disease, asthma or who have a liver should not take Cerumenex. In rare cases the Patch was shown to cause, anal bleeding, liquefaction of the lungs, explosion of the bladder and a slight bumpy rash.....that will destroy all skin affected in 3 days. See your doctor if any of these side effects occur.

Women who are pregnant, who may become pregnant, who don’t give much thought to pregnancy, have formerly been pregnant, or who have seen someone who is pregnant should not be within 48 feet of anyone with the Cerumenex Patch. You do not want to see the kid that pops out if that happens, seriously.

In some cases the Cerumenex Patch may cause the mild to moderate destruction of the an entire city block’s population. Flee to a fall out shelter or protected underpass if Cerumenex exposure starts to kill over 40 percent of the people in your neighborhood. If you are wearing the Cerumenex Patch and are still alive, chances are you’ll be fine. Leave all close relatives immediately however, as continued exposure will almost certainly cause death like symptoms in them, including death. And you’ll forever blame yourself knowing everyone you ever loved is gone, just because you had waxy ears. Good luck living with that.

The Cerumenex Patch comes in tan or clear for sensitive skin.

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The Renaissance Faire Is All Politics

2005-10-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

Dr Max begs your indulgence and would consider it an honor if you would read this old post from 5/10/05 while he is away

Huzzah good citizens! Perhaps you have seen me at the Renaissance Faire, I am the Sheriff of Nottingwood, Sir Blanchard. Tis I who puts citizens who have transgressed the Kings laws into the stockade. Photos can then be taken of thy “prisoners” and shared for the amusement of family and friends. Tis a fine job, but thou has done it for five years now and verily, I was oft’ promised that I would be promoted to the King’s Court as the Earl of Standish. Alas, as this year's list of roles was distributed, thy got the shaft. I 'twas once again assigned to be the damn Sheriff!

Thy skills have never been questioned. All thou has to do is read the Weekly Shopper’s review of my role as Hucklebee in the Turnpike Dinner Theater’s production of The Fantasticks. 'Twas a rave, thou can see it for yourself just under the two-for-one coupon! So why have I thus been denied my rightful part? Politics good citizens, politics.

Is it coincidence that this year’s Earl of Standish will be played by the King’s nephew? Thy thinks not! Upon the telephone I called that son-of-a-bitch King and told him assignment of his own family to the court was nepotism clear and simple! The King then requested that myself I should screw.

Unjust I say to you! My loyalty to the crown has never been questioned but my King has gone too far! Thou will not accept his reign any longer! Not only will you not see thee in my role as Sheriff of Nottingwood, I will no longer play Marley at the Dickens Yule Bazaar and Craft Festival! Perhaps the King/Scrooge will get his nephew for that part too!

Kind sir and lady, do not weep for me. Will thy miss the smell of turkey leg and shepherd's pie? But of course! However if staying at the Renaissance Faire means subjecting to the rule of this tyrant, I must be gone! My pride he cannot steal so I leave content. As Shakespeare said, “My crown is called content, a crown that seldom kings enjoy.” Particularly Kings who are dinks!

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Legislators Hoping State Gets Visit from Infrastructure Fairy

2005-10-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

That One Blog deja vu from 5/9/05 for your viewing pleasure while Dr. Max continues his secret mission.

Legislators meeting at the Capitol say they hope the State will soon get a visit from the Infrastructure Fairy. State Senator Paul Beerson said, “We’re hoping that in this next session, we can get the Infrastructure Fairy to fly to us, wave his magic wand and repair all known problems in our aging transportation systems. It could save taxpayers billions!”

Beerson said, “The Infrastructure Fairy lives in a giant castle in the clouds in the far away land of Fa La La. If a State Legislature is good and it’s members chant the magic words Fix-a-Da-Dee, Fix-a-Da-Doo while turning around three times, the Fairy will fly down the Milky Way Trail and fix all crumbling roads, weakened bridges and ancient rail lines.”

Asked if reasonable tax increases might more effectively address these problems, Beerson said, “That’s a typical ‘let’s throw money at it and hope some of it sticks’ approach. Taxpayers are sick to death their money being wasted on projects like shoring up bridges to prevent collapse and laying pavement to make roadways drivable! That kind of spending can only lead to one thing: an investment in the future. Trust me, the Infrastructure Fairy will take care of everything, with just a wave of his wand of mystery!”

“Look, this is a lot like the Great Pumpkin in Peanuts,” Beerson said, “ you have to be sincere or he won’t come. All this whining about increasing our state gas tax or using toll roads, just shows the Infrastructure Fairy we are not serious about getting his help. How can the residents of this state be expected to maintain any respect for lawmakers if we can’t get a mystical fairy to cover us in sparkle dust so we can all live happily ever after?”

Beerson said,”If the Infrastructure Fairy appears, we’ll be calling upon the Deficit Gnome and the Education Elf to help us as well. And we might even hire a handsome prince to slay the evil Healthcare Cost Dragon.”

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Evil Criminal Mastermind Delivers Ultimatum

2005-10-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

Here's another "Best of That One Blog"! Oh who am I kidding, this is just an old post from 4/27/05, put up because Dr. Max is away

Greetings, my name is Count Vanderiech. I have taken control of this blog. Oh, do not bother switching to another site, I am afraid that would be quite useless. For I have taken over all the Internet to deliver to the world my ultimatum!

Unless the amount of 40 trillion dollars is transferred to my Swiss bank account by noon tomorrow, I will use this laptop computer to launch all armed nuclear missiles on this planet!

Oh, it was really quite simple for someone of my advanced intelligence to gain control of all the launch codes, your Internet made it mere child's play to....wait. What the? Why has my screen gone blue? Hold on, get Phil up here. No, not Phil from shipping, Phil from tech support!

Anyway..I...if I can just get this reboot to work...I will certainly cause a great deal of havoc on all the....SON OF A... this stupid thing! Phil, thank God, what the hell is going on with this laptop? YES! I did a reboot! But all I got was the lousy blue screen...safe mode? O.K. but....DAMN, blue screen AGAIN....NO, I DID NOT DO A BACK-UP!!! I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS!!!

O.K., world, look I'll have to get back to you on the ultimatum thing, I'm on hold with the laptop manufacturer's help desk and I don't want to miss it if they pick up...HELLO? At last, yes I'm....customer I.D. number? What's that? All I see is a product and serial number, no I.D. number! No wait, don't put me on HOLD again I......CRAP!!

The Secret Resentment of John H. Watson M.D.

2005-10-13T23:37:00.000-07:00

What does Dr. Max do when he has to be away for a few weeks? Recycles old posts of course! Here's one from 5/30/05

It is my honor to be the companion and chronicler of the man many consider to be the greatest detective in all of England, Mr. Sherlock Holmes. His abilities of observation and powers of concentration are second to none! I aid him as a friend as he pursues his many and varied cases! I have made him somewhat of a celebrity by publishing accounts of our adventures in The Strand periodical. I don’t expect thanks of course, but would it kill him to say it once in a while?

I am often in attendance when witnesses appear at his Baker Street residence. I take notes as they lay the facts of the case before Mr. Holmes. He of course is busy “thinking” so he can’t take the time to be civil to these people. He is the great Sherlock Holmes, he can’t lower himself to offer them tea, some sympathy for their plight or even acknowledge them as they arrive and leave. No, that appears to be Johnny Watson’s job! Hey, I am fine with it, really, but I am not a butler, OK?

Then I get the privilege to sit with the great Sherlock Holmes as he mulls the case over. Now, I have the notes, I know what the witnesses said! So if I try to give him my thoughts on the case what does he say? “ Quite so Watson, you see, but you do not observe.” Hey Sherlock, excuse me for being a moron. Jeez I guess it’s a miracle I can dress myself in the morning. I've got an idea, why don’t you go shoot some more cocaine and play your damn violin, which you suck at by the way!

I’m not stupid you know, I have a medical degree for Christ’s sake! I also have a Jezail bullet in my leg from when I served my country in Afghanistan! I may not be a super genius, but I have slept with a woman! It just ticks me off, the way he acts sooo superior in that idiotic Deerstalker cap! And who always has the revolver when we need it? That’s right John H. Watson MD.! Not Mr. Brains! I tell you kind people, one more “elementary” crack and I’m going to tell that jerk where to stick his Meerschaum pipe!

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Where the Hell is Dr. Max.....a hint.....

2005-10-13T06:35:00.000-07:00

President Bush Blames Democrats for Ignoring Looming Crisis of Accelerating Universe

2005-10-12T23:31:00.000-07:00

While Dr Max takes some time off, let's rifle through his files to find this post from 4/28/05.

(Washington DC) President George W. Bush today accused Congressional Democrats of offering no new ideas on how to prevent the impending crisis of an expanding universe.

"In only 100 trillion years or so our universe will expand to the point where future generations of humans, probably on some type of space ark, will no longer be able to see stars in the sky," said the President in a speech which marked the end of his 60 city tour to highlight the problem. "Now I don't know about you but I think my future great grand kiddies deserve to have something to make a wish on!"

Although Bush has presented no written plan, Republicans have mentioned immediate funding for development of plasma star-harnesses, as a way to avert the looming disaster. "Let's start addressing this problem now, and not wait until trillions of years have passed and it's too late" said President Bush, "if the Democrats have a better idea let's hear it!"

Senate Democratic Leader, Harry Reid said, "Look, red-shift galactic spread should be a concern to all Americans, but I'm just not sure I'd call it a crisis. We have Social Security, Medicare, the deficit, and high gas prices which we need to be addressing, today! Frankly, I think that some future generation of homo sapiens might develop those gigantic heads and be able to, like, move stars with their minds!"

Tentacucorp Space and Satellite, a major contributor to the Republican party, would be responsible for developing the star- harnesses. Grey Peters, P.R. spokesman for the company said, "Hey, it won't be cheap. We have rough estimates that the cost for development of deep space platforms which generate plasma waves strong enough to hold stars in place, would be on the order of all known money on earth. So, we're ready to go when the President gives us the thumbs up!"

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Iraq Car Bomb Vehicle Unwittingly Pimped

2005-10-11T23:12:00.000-07:00

Remember hoop skirts, bobby socks and dancing at the hop? Well this post first appeared a long time after those things were popular, 5/5/2005. Dr. Max is gone for a few weeks daddy-o.

(Kirkuk, Iraq) In a case of confusion caused by the insurgency, the Al-ILC (Iraqi Learning Channel) program, Upgrade My Vehicle of Transport, inadvertently overhauled a suicide bomber’s car. The program, similar to MTV’s Pimp My Ride and TLC’s Overhaulin’ features the free restoration of a car as requested by the owner’s friends or family. The program creates a ruse so that the owner is unaware of the upgrade until it is unveiled for the cameras.

“You know, we should have suspected something when we gave Fahad the cover story that his car was stolen,” said Ahmad Yusuf-Rahman, friend of Fahad Hakim, who’s vehicle was chosen for the show. “He just freaked, I mean like way out proportion for that piece of crap pickup of his. We were all like, mellow out dude, it’s not like your car was worth anything, and he’s all ‘You do not understand, why did you not keep an eye on my car, I curse you all as dogs!’ Y’know we were just trying to do something nice for the guy! I guess you never know about people though, even your friends!”

The host of Upgrade My Vehicle of Transport, Wink Al-Jamil said, “Hey, we were all in the dark about this Fahad guy. His friends had no idea that the pickup had 50 pounds of C-4 molded into the frame! And man, if we had known I can tell you that we would NOT have been using those blow torches so freely! The whole show was kind of a bust anyway, we put all this work into his ride, we do the big reveal and instead of a big emotional payoff, this creep just gets in the truck and takes off! Not even a thank you to the friends, leaves them there eating dust. What a jerk!”

Fahad’s “pimped” truck included a new sunroof, solid gold 20” rims and a custom stereo featuring titanium surround sound speakers with an 800 watt die-cast sub woofer. The vehicle’s target was believed to be a shop in Kirkuk but it exploded prematurely, killing only Fahad. Officials theorize Fahad may have turned up the bass too high while playing a cassette of jihadist death anthems.

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The First Two Rules of Fight Club

2005-10-10T23:03:00.000-07:00

Enjoy this blast from the past, 05/04/05, as Dr. Max selfishly takes time off

Tyler: OK, these are the rules of Fight Club. First rule, you do not talk about Fight Club. Second rule, you DO NOT talk about Fight Club. Third rule, if someone says “stop” or goes limp...

Manny: Ahhhh Tyler?

Tyler: What is it Manny?

Manny: I think I might have talked about Fight Club.

Tyler: MANNY, you're kidding me right?

Manny: No, it was my Aunt. I visit her on Tuesdays at the home. God, she goes on and on about her back or her blood pressure and usually I just nod and don’t pay attention. Well, last Tuesday, I notice that suddenly she had stopped talking and was looking at me like she had just asked me a question! I guess I kind of panicked, and I told her all about Fight Club.

Tyler: JESUS CHRIST MANNY!!! You can’t be that stupid, I can not believe...

Stuart: Say, Tyler? Since Manny confessed, I better come clean too. I told my wife about Fight Club. She thought than when I snuck out to come here I was seeing another woman. Trust me, I don’t need THAT kinda grief, so I told her everything.

Tyler: Did you guys not listen to the THE FIRST TWO RULES OF FIGHT CLUB?!

Phil: Hey Tyler, me too, sorry. Told my doctor about Fight Club, was getting the ol’ prostate checked and it kind of slipped out....

Tyler: THAT’S IT! All of you OUT of here, I...

Mrs. Finkelstein: Manny! Manny Finkelstein are you down there?

Manny: Oh no, it’s my Ma! My Aunt must have told her!

Mrs. Finkelstein: Manny, for goodness sake! Get your shirt and shoes back on, and come with me right this minute!

Manny: Awww Maaaa.

Mrs. Finkelstein: THIS MINUTE YOUNG MAN! Tyler Durden, well it figures! You put my Manny up to this didn’t you? I bet your mother will be VERY interested when I tell her about this little club of yours!

Tyler: Nice going Manny, way to ruin Fight Club!

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Ask Chef Max

2005-10-09T22:51:00.000-07:00

The new fall TV season may have started but here at That One Blog, you still have a chance to enjoy reruns. Here's one from 4/29/05. Dr. Max is taking some time off. That lazy good for nothing....

Chef Max here, direct from the kitchens at That One Blog, let’s see what questions we have in the mailbag this week.

Chef Max, I’m a stay -at-home dad with two kids. Do you have any suggestions for a quick meal, that takes little preparation? We’re a family on the go and I hate spending all day at the stove just to make a lunch. Thanks in advance,

Harried in Hartford

I tell you what Harried, any stay at home parent can sympathize. Have you tried Kraft’s Easy Mac (TM)? All you do is place some prepackaged noodles in the microwave with a little water for 3.5 minutes. Add the powdered cheese, and voila, macaroni and cheese like mom used to make! Microwave up some hot dogs and you’ll have your meal problem solved quickly and two happy kids to boot! Thanks for the question.

Hi Chef Max, love your column!! My husband just completed his first year at a pristegious midtown law firm. To celebrate the anniversary, the custom at the firm is to throw a party for all the partners at your home. I’m a decent cook, but could really use some suggestions on what to serve for appetizers and the main course. Help!

Fretting in Ft. Worth

Hey Fretting, fret no more. An easy solution is to count how many guests you expect then go to a warehouse store and buy the BIG box of Easy Mac. Get a bulk size package of hot dogs too. Figure one pack of Easy Mac for each guest (or two if the guest is hefty) and one hot dog! Once the guests show up, fire up that microwave and you’ll have a meal the firm will be talking about for weeks!

Dear Chef Max, I am preparing to make Smoked Trout Rillettes when my husband’s folks come to visit in a few weeks. Do you have a particular brand of creme fraiche you’d suggest I use?

Confused on Creme Fraiche

Well, La Dee Da, Confused, aren’t you Ms. Snooty McFancypants. Creme Fraiche? I don’t even know what the heck you’re talking about. But hey, go ahead, make your precious Trout Nipples or whatever they are. Just don’t blame me if your in-laws are more than a little upset they got screwed out of their microwaved Easy Mac and hot dog!

Chef Max, are you a real chef? All you ever do is tell people to buy Easy Mac and hot dogs. Are you being paid off by Kraft? I have grave doubts that you have any culinary skills at all!

Troubled in Tacoma

You know what Troubled, why don’t you get off my back?! This is you: “Oh Chef Max, blah, blah, blah, whiney, whine!” I think your diaper needs changing you crybaby! And for your information smart-guy, NO cash has ever changed hands between me and Kraft Foods! Just pallets and pallets of rich, creamy, golden, mouth watering, microwavable Easy Mac macaroni and cheese...nummmmmy yummmmmy cheeeeeeese.

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Some Lawmakers Express Regret about Reflecting Pool Drilling

2005-10-08T22:42:00.000-07:00

Please enjoy this post from the distant past (long, long ago, 4/26/04 to be exact) as Dr Max is who knows where

(Washington D.C.) On the one year anniversary of it's passage, several federal lawmakers have expressed regret about their support of an act that opened the Washington D.C. Reflecting Pool to oil exploration .

Called the Reflective Pool Energy Initiative, the act opened the shallow body of water to deep well petroleum drilling. Senator Denton Chaplin (R-TX) said he was proud to vote for the initiative to help the country achieve energy independence, but that the smell has been a surprise. "I don't know, it's sorta like a sulfur, old tennis shoe type of deal," said Chaplin, "plus I do miss all those cherry blossom trees that died."

Representative Nelson Farthing (D-SD) said he also regrets his vote in favor of the drilling. "Well, I thought some of the pumps might look cool reflecting along side the Lincoln Memorial and the new World War II Memorial, but if anything they tend to be a distraction. Particularly during the well fires."

Tentacucorp Energy & Mineral, which won the right to the drilling (and is listed as a major contributor to both Chaplin and Farthing's reelection campaigns) said they next plan to develop an open-pit mine next to Jefferson Memorial.

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The Fountainhead Diaries - The Journal of Howard Roark

2005-10-07T19:55:00.000-07:00

Set your Wayback Machine for 4/24/05 and enjoy this previous post while Dr. Max is away.

July 1st - Awoke early today. I did so on my own terms. I do not follow the sleep/wake patterns of the masses. Drove into the office with the usual horn honks and police chases, no traffic lights will make me submit to the will of the common man. My secretary was busy preparing a new proposal and didn’t have my usual coffee and doughnut on the desk. My secretary determines if she has time to get me a doughnut, she is an individual and as such her decision involves neither expectation or regret on my part. Still, I was kinda hungry for a doughnut.

July 5th - Opened the paper today to another rant against me by architectural critic, Ellsworth Toohey. He said buildings like mine are an affront to the agreed tastes of society. Mr. Toohey thinks these attacks will make me give in to the pressure to please the public. My work is my work, for people to take or leave as they so please. I don’t give a thought to the opinion of Mr. Toohey. The little prick.

July 8th - Met with Gail Wynand, editor of the New York Banner. Wants me to build a summer house for him and his wife, Dominique. Wynand said of all the architects whose works he reviewed, only mine possessed any true genius. I said I knew that he would say that, but his praise was not needed as my work was it’s own reward. He said he knew that I was going to say, that I knew what he was going say, because only a true individual would and what’s more he thought so too. I said I knew that he would say, that he knew that I would say, that he knew....and stopped. Several minutes of silence passed with both of us trying to remember what the hell we were talking about. I slowly backed away to the door and let myself out.

July 10th - Busy day. 10:00 meeting at the Farnworth Towers site. Then had to run across town for an 11:10 blowing up of my Weebly Field Building (the contractor had altered my specifications and used #10 1.5 inch coated screws instead of the uncoated ones). Barely had time to pick up the dynamite in between!!

July 12th - Another one of my buildings has fallen down. Officials want to blame me for trying to support a 60 story tower on a series of bamboo poles cable tied together. Bah, my vision called for bamboo poles and that is what I, as a creator, built. In the end a man, as evidence of his existence on this earth, has only the creations of his own mind. And if these creations are to have any lasting meaning they must never submit to any whim of society or law of gravity!

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That One Blog Exclusive! Interview with the Monster from Lost, with Picture!

2005-10-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

While Dr. Max is away please re-enjoy this previous post from 4/16/05

(Oahu, Hawaii). It sits in a huge director's chair, it lights a cigarette (specially made, as big as some of the palm trees behind it), it closes it's eyes for a moment and starts. "This is hard for me," said the least known cast member of the ABC series Lost. "It's just really good to be back, for a while there I wasn't sure I would be."

It's the Monster. After an exciting debut in Lost's thrilling pilot, little has been seen of this creature. It's absence was thought by a lot of fans to be the fault of the series' writers, but in this exclusive interview we found out the real story. "The fact is, I've been in rehab the past four months," said the Monster. "It's the typical VH-1 Behind the Music type story," it continued, "fame, booze and drugs. I was pretty impressed with myself and the success of the series so I started partying. Big time. Big mistake."

"Look, we would have loved to show more of the Monster but filming with it was impossible," said Lost's Creator and Executive Producer J.J. Abrams. "The fans have been riding us pretty hard, but the Monster was just in no shape to do scenes." Co-Creator and Co-Executive Producer Damon Lindelof agreed, "The Monster was going through six or seven tanker trucks full of vodka a day, have you ever tried to wake something that big when it passes out?" Abrams continued, "I admit this took me totally by surprise, the Monster did a great audition! Frankly, I thought my biggest headache this year was going to be Tom Cruise on Mission Impossible III, with the Scientology this and L. Ron Hubbard that, but this rehab situation was a real distraction."

The Monster's agent, Morty Reynolds felt for his client. "Y'know the Monster cares," said Reynolds, "it knew it was letting everybody down. I've worked with some of the greats, The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms and Mechagodzilla! Trust me, this kid has their kind of talent! Unfortunately the kid also has a weakness for the juice, the crazy weed and the broads."

The Monster said he decided to go into rehab after a night of partying with some of Hollywood's elite. "Let's see, Lindsey was there, Paris too I think and the Olsen twins. Well, I scored some prime smoke and I got the munchies, you know? Before I knew what I was doing, down the hatch goes Mary-Kate. Or was it Ashley? I always get them mixed up. Anyway, the police come and I'm so out of it that I threaten to tear down the landmark Hollywood sign, so they let me go with a warning. But man, I just felt bad and I knew it was time to change."

"Like they tell you at treatment, one day at a time," said the Monster. "I'm feeling better now. J.J. says he has a lot more scenes with me in the final episodes, so I'm pretty excited about that. I know I have to regain a lot of trust around here but I'm sure I can do it." No matter what role the Monster plays as the season ends for Lost, here's hoping his personal story has a happy ending.

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A That One Blog Contest: Where the Hell is Dr. Max?

2005-10-05T10:42:00.000-07:00

As any good blogger knows, the real world occasionally intrudes into our cyberlives. Wives and kids often have the gall to think their needs take priority over posting entries. Unless they have their own blogs they get on their high horse and demand you talk to them or feed them instead of spending three hours searching for a photo of President Bush where it looks like he’s sneezing. Crazy huh?

Dr. Max will be gone for a few weeks on an I.P.M. (Important Personal Mission). I could tell you what’s up but I think it would be more fun to let you guess until I return. So I’m introducing a new contest: Where the Hell is Dr Max? No, I’m not going on a covert black ops mission to assess Iran’s nuclear capabilities. No, I’m not going in for a final Scientology audit before becoming an Operating Thetan. And, although I was offered the position, I will not be moving to Washington DC to head up FEMA. Just put your thinking caps on and put your guesses in the comment fields. The one guess that comes closest will WIN.....my appreciation. Isn’t that better than cash or prizes? (The “Where the Hell is Dr. Max?” contest is for entertainment purposes only. Friends or family of Dr. Max who know the true nature of his absence are disqualified. Not legal in Maine or California. Taxes apply.)

Just so you don’t forget the Doctor, I have lovingly prepared some of my old posts for re-viewing. Yes, my greatest hits, the best of, the cream of.....oh hell, who am I kidding here? We’re talking recycled crap here folks. Re-enjoy some of my comic gems from the early days of That One Blog (spring of this year). See me use “jeez” for the first time, see my clumsy first stabs at Photoshop and realize how That One Blog has transformed itself from a lame little blog to a slightly less lame little blog! For fellow bloggers, do not take offense at my lack of comments at your sites, I promise, I will catch up with all your blogs when I get back online.

I thank you for your understanding in advance. Seacrest out!

President Bush Nominates White House Pizza Delivery Guy to Head FDA

2005-10-04T01:42:00.000-07:00

Continuing a practice of nominating individuals with little to no experience but who he likes personally, President Bush today nominated Frank Dupre, a Domino’s pizza delivery man, to head the Food and Drug Administration. Dupre’s delivery area has included the White House for several years. Dupre, who is currently attending Maryland Heights Community College, called his nomination, “righteous!”

In announcing the nomination Bush said that Dupre has shown a true concern for food safety when delivering pizzas to the White House. “Frank always gets the pizza’s here in 30 minutes or less,” said President Bush, “and he always uses a heat box, so it tastes fresh from the oven. I tend to order regular Mountain Dew on the phone, but Frank always substitutes diet Dew, because he knows I like to keep in shape. We josh around about baseball and college life when he comes in to get paid. I think our nation’s food supply will be in excellent hands!”

Dupre said he is prepared to head the FDA. “Oh man, the President, like, told me how much I’d be making, and dude, it beats my best week ever at Dominos, even with tips,” said Dupre. “I know a lot about meat and cheese and junk from making all those two for one specials. I better not get into how much I know about drugs, let’s just say I’m a normal college student, y’know what I’m saying? The Bushman did right by me, and I’m gonna do right by him, I’ll be all like, professional and shit. I’m even gonna wear a suit!”

Bush intends to fill several other federal vacancies with personal acquaintances. He is in talks with his cable installer to head the FCC, his personal trainer to take over the Center for Disease Control and the guy who makes his cowboy boots to become Secretary of the Department of Agriculture.

Bizarro Republicans call September Their Best Month Ever

2005-10-03T09:10:00.000-07:00

Bizarro Republican leaders have declared that September 2005 was their finest month since they took control of the White House and Congress. Bizarro President Bush said, “We do good in September, nobody better than us, we best leaders!”

Bizarro President Bush was perhaps most proud of his response to Hurricane Katrina. “Me show how to react in crisis,” said the Bizarro President. “Me stay away and watch New Orleans flood from plane. Me goodest President US ever saw. Bizarro Mike Brown good FEMA director too, Me hire him! Him had good resume. Nation love how I stay on vacation. Families enjoy free stay in Superdome because of me. We Bizarro Republicans are the best!”

Bizarro Tom Delay also felt he contributed to the success of September. “Me indicted now, that good,” said Bizarro Delay. “TRMPAC money laundering my idea! Bizarro Delay smart former House Republican leader, me also take golf trips! Jack Abramoff good friend of me too. I make House run good, everyone listen at me. I is best leader Republicans had in Congress, me is proud!”

Bizarro Bill Frist also felt he contributed to the historic month. “Sell stock before it tank, me is way smart at business stuff,” said the Bizarro Republican Senate Leader. “Me almost as good at finances as diagnosing Terry Schiavo on TV. I tell everyone stocks in blind trust. I too smart for them though, that is why I running for Bizarro President! Base won’t mind me flip flop on stem cells, cause I so smart. Unless me go to prison, me be great leader!”

Bizarro Republicans hope their winning streak continues in October as the war in Iraq continues, gas prices keep rising and the Plame Investigation finishes up. “Oh we really great for running wars, creating energy policy and giving away CIA identities,” said Bizarro President Bush. “We will stay in headlines for sure, they say can’t top September, but just wait and see, we Bizarro Republicans, we screw up everything!”

Record Company Executive/Devil’s Minion Will Battle Apple’s Jobs Over Music Pricing

2005-10-01T09:03:00.000-07:00

Dale Sammael, Chief Executive of Diabolos Music Group and minion to the dark lord Satan, said that his company will seek flexible pricing when licensing renegotiations begin early next year with Apple Computer’s iTunes Music Store. Sammael, a soulless demon in human form, said that Apple Computer’s chief executive Steve Jobs needs his record company's music as much as his record company needs the iPod.

The iPod and Apple’s iTunes music store have proven to be more successful than Sammael and other devil spawn music executives expected. “Even my lord and master Lucifer did not foresee the iPod gaining it’s present 70% market share in downloadable music, “ said Sammael as he plucked the eye ball from a small kitten and ate it. “We are used to having total control over our music from capturing the souls of the artist who create it to stealing as much money as we could through the production and distribution chains. I have served my master, who sits upon his throne of skulls over hell’s lakes of fire and brimstone, well. We have used his tools of trickery to try to destroy all the true beauty that lies in music. We were nearly successful too, as those never ending series of cookie cutter boy bands clearly illustrate. But then this Jobs somehow out maneuvered his majesty Beelzebub by using some sort of reality distortion field. His damnable iPod made music popular again! Hell finally found a worthy opponent in the dark arts!”

“But revenge and flexible pricing will now be ours, ” said Sammael. “Mr. Jobs will live to regret the day he subverted the will of the Dark One. He will find that his iPods are useless without our music libraries! We do of course realize that, at present, we receive vast amounts of money with no overhead due to iTunes. We also know that listeners love iTunes’ easy downloads and the convenience of carrying an entire music collection on their iPods. But why even have record companies if we take away pure evil from the process? What fun would the music industry be without the traditions of payola and theft of royalties, I ask you? No, no, this shall not continue, my master has decreed it and I will serve him in his wishes,” said Sammael, as he distractedly poked a cattle prod at the bearly living body of a singer songwriter chained to his wall.

“Dark priests of Satan are now working on counter-spells to battle this wizard Jobs,” said Sammael. “This time we will be prepared, and he will kneel before us, THIS I VOW! Of course once Jobs walks in, with his stylish mock turtleneck, jeans and bottled water even us demons tend to loose our senses. I mean have you seen that Nano iPod, oh man, that is sooooo sweet. I’m gonna get the black one, it looked so seriously cool and....... oh my Satan, what am I saying? I CURSE THEE STEVE JOBS, AND HELL CURSES THEE!!!”

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A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, Stuck in Traffic on the 405

2005-09-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckoo. His father told him that story: his father looked at him through a glass: he had a hairy face.He was baby tuckoo. The moocow came down the road where Betty Byrne lived: she sold lemon platt.

I’ve been sitting here for 20 damn minutes and we haven’t moved an inch! Every damn day! Hey idiot, don’t you dare change lanes, I am warning you, so help me I will slam into that piece of crap you call a truck! Oh very nice gesture with the finger, same to you ya jerk!

He went once or twice with his mother to visit their relatives: and though they passed a jovial array of shops lit up and adorned for Christmas his mood of embittered silence did not leave him. The causes of his embitterment were many, remote and near. He was angry with himself for being young and the prey of restless foolish impulses, angry also with the change of fortune which was reshaping the world about him into a vision of squalor and insincerity. Yet his anger lent nothing to the vision. He chronicled with patience what he saw, detaching himself from it and tasting its mortifying flavor in secret.

What in the hell is going on up there? Can’t anyone drive anymore? If any of these morons would just pay attention while they’re driving! But no, they gotta drink coffee, talk on the phone and cause trucks to jackknife over 4 lanes! Move it you idiot! The car ahead of you pulled up 10 minutes ago, Jesus H. Christ!

O grave, where is thy victory?
O death, where is thy sting?

Every word of it was for him. Against his sin, foul and secret, the whole wrath of God was aimed. The preacher's knife had probed deeply into his disclosed conscience and he felt now that his soul was festering in sin. Yes, the preacher was right. God's turn had come.

This is a joke right? Hey, let’s start repaving the busiest road in the state right at rush hour! CLASSIC! Just who is the jackass running the highway department anyway? And he’d better be stuck in this damn mess like me. God, I’m never going to get home tonight!

Away! Away!
The spell of arms and voices: the white arms of roads, their promise of close embraces...

Yeah hon, it’s me Dedalus. Right, traffic again. Look I can’t help it, WE ARE NOT MOVING! I don’t know, road construction, an accident, just a normal rush hour. OK, I’ll get K.F.C then. NO, I don’t know what time, that’s what I’m trying to tell you! Look, don’t start, I’ve been sitting on this damn highway for two hours now, I don’t need a lecture OK? Fine, whatever, GOODBYE! Son of a....I swear, with gas prices at $3.00 and traffic like this I should just use the bus! I tell ya, it’s a pretty sad state of affairs in this country when a man actually has to consider using mass transit! OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, EVER HEARD OF A SIGNAL SHIT FOR BRAINS?!

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Happy Fall, From Dr. Max

2005-09-24T02:45:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, how are you doing? Dr. Max here. Just wanted to drop by the ol’ blog to say hi. So, hi. It has been a while since we chatted. What’s new? Really? Is that so? Well I NEVER!

Some of you may have noticed the Doctor has slacked off a bit from his daily entries. I wish I had a good excuse, but I’ve just been taking a break from the computer. I was starting to dream about posts and jpgs and there has been some activity in real world that needed attention. I must say it has been nice to go a whole day without surfing, to not even turn the computer on. I forgot that sometimes it’s just pleasant to read and think and contemplate. I have not given up, but I do want to rest the my noodle for a bit. I will also have a task next month that is probably going to keep me away from the blog for several weeks, so you may have to look at some reruns for a bit. I will explain all in due time, so I hope you’ll be understanding.

Boy, my Packers suck this year. If I hadn’t mentioned it before, I am a lifelong fan of the historic Green and Gold. Yes, one of THOSE. A cheese hat wearing, Lombardi worshiping, Favre shrine building, Lambeau Field parking lot kissing, Packer fan. Actually watching their ineptness this year (NFL Sunday Ticket) has a great sense of nostalgia for me. I grew up with the 70’s Packers, the teams that came after the 60’s legends. The 70’s Packers also sucked, to such an extent that light often could not escape Green Bay. So I’m used to bad football. Sometimes you are stuck with teams who come out on the field and seem to do everything they can to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Perhaps they will turn things around, but if not it’s OK....I’ve got beer.

Have been watching some of the new fall shows. Nothing has bowled me over yet. Alien invasion and forensic dramas seem particularly popular this year. Have watched Threshold and Invasion but have not seen Surface yet. Not sure what’s up with all these alien shows, perhaps they expected War of the Worlds to have done better box office. After having been burned by the X-Files, with it’s black oil, the grays, the corn, the bees and Muldar’s sister; all turning into a confusing mess by the last season (I doubt even it’s creator Chris Carter understood all the show's mythology), I am reluctant to follow the these new alien white rabbits down the hole. Threshold seems creepy, but I don’t know if I want to put in the effort. Bones seems to be Fox’s entry into the gross out forensic field not covered by the 18 existing CSI shows. I was with this show until they gathered around a 3-D hologram computer that recreates what a victim looked like from their skeleton. I’m sure it is an attempt to do the “what happened” sequences in a different way, but it is just so cringingly unrealistic. I keep expecting to see them display the route the Luke should use to destroy the Death Star.

Man, what is left to say to the poor citizens of the gulf coast? Hey God, enough already, give them a break!! Once again our thoughts go out to everyone down south in the path of Rita. Keep donating folks, we have more people that need help now. Let’s get this hurricane season over with and let these states dry out and rebuild!

Well enough out of me. As always, thanks for stopping by. Dr Max and That One Blog appreciate your patronage. I have to go to the store now, the Packers play Sunday and I only have 2 six packs of amber ale in the house! If they play like last week, that’s not enough to get me to halftime.

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President Will Only Take A Three Day Weekend As 2nd Deadly Hurricane Threatens Gulf States

2005-09-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

President George W. Bush has vowed to take only a three day weekend as the category 5 hurricane Rita heads for landfall in Texas late Friday or early Saturday. The President, who was criticized for staying on vacation throughout hurricane Katrina’s landfall and aftermath, said he will leave Friday morning so he can be ready, bright and bushy tailed, on Monday to help manage Rita’s response.

“I’ve got a lot of raking to get done at the ranch, I may even leave for Crawford Thursday night. I want to make sure I get everything up under that oak by the barn on Friday morning,” said President Bush. “Who knows where this thing is headed once it hits the Texas coast, I’ve got to make sure I’ve got my shutters up and all the down spouts around the main house are clear. There’s also that dripping faucet I promised Laura I’d get to before I left early the last time. I think Saturday, weather permitting, I’ll go down to the True Value and get a new washer set. The chore jar is pretty darn full, so I’ll be busy up until the Cowboys kickoff Sunday, they’ll be playing the Niners in San Francisco, so the game shouldn’t be effected.”

The President said he learned some lessons from Katrina. “We will have supplies in place this time, really. Brownie at FEMA assures me....wait, oh yeah, I fired that sorry sack of....who’s in charge there again? That Coast Guard dude, damn I just talked to him, what is his name? Well whoever he is assures me we are ready to go on this one. Damn it, this is so frustrating, now I’ll be trying to remember that guy’s name all weekend!”

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Cato Institute Relocates Headquarters to Superdome

2005-09-20T14:38:00.000-07:00

The Cato Institute, a public policy research foundation, has moved it’s headquarters from Washington DC to the Superdome in New Orleans Louisiana. The Institute, which seeks to promote the ideals of limited government, individual liberty and free markets, feel the Superdome has come to symbolize what can happen when these principles become more accepted in America.

“The response to hurricane Katrina is really just a taste of what we can expect if our goals are more fully embraced in this country, “ said Dr. Steven Candlebary a director of policy promotion for the Cato Institute. “We wanted to move into this magnificent edifice as soon as possible, it has so come to symbolize what we feel is the proper role of government: that of an ineffectual and dysfunctional agent which no one can rely on. When we saw all the people outside here a few weeks ago, begging for food, water and rescue, it was what we at Cato had so long dreamed of for this country! What finer place than here to continue our campaign to promote less generational responsibility for all Americans?”

Candlebary said that moving into the Superdome was not a problem. “We have so many contacts within the administration and Republican controlled congress that we hardly had to lift a finger, “ said Candlebary. “We’ve had FEMA and the National Guard to help us with the boxes, and the Department of Homeland Security helicopters have been a big help with commuting. Now, a lot of folks would be squeamish about the conditions in here, the lack of air conditioning, the stench from the bathrooms which still have no running water, and the occasional bloated corpse that pops up, but we LOVE it. As we like to say at Cato, ‘Every man and his wallet for himself’, government has no business getting in the way of nature killing it’s citizens!”

Candlebary said the Cato Institute is excited to see Karl Rove as the head of recovery efforts in the gulf. “Karl is our kinda guy,” said Candlebary, “he knows that this disaster is an unequaled opportunity to push our selfish agenda forward. The more we spend on the Republican donor’s companies to rebuild this area, the more we can push for Social Security private accounts, less farm subsidies, and the elimination of Medicare! It’s really a win, win all around......well, except for all the dead people. But you can’t make an omelet unless you crack a few eggs, am I right?”

“I have a dream,“ said Candlebary. “I think this is the dawn of a new age in this country. Soon the federal government will exist no more, we chosen few will rule as befits our wealth and station in society, enjoying the luxuries that are denied us at present because of the tax money we have to pay in. The rest of the country will live outside our golden palaces, like this beautiful Superdome. They will fight amongst themselves for the few dogs and cats that will soon be the only source of meat, unless they want to go the Soylent Green route. We can make it happen if we all work hard enough!”

The Cato Institute is a nonprofit, tax exempt educational institute.

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Excerpt From Keith Richard’s First Children’s Book

2005-09-16T15:31:00.000-07:00

The Rolling Stones' legendary rhythm guitarist Keith Richards has just authored a new children’s book, I Think It’s Bloody Tuesday. Richards follows Madonna and other celebrities in this, his first book aimed at the youth market. The release is meant to coincide with the Stones' "A Bigger Bang" tour:

ZZZZZZZxyl...cough....Whoa...what the hell are you kids doing in my hotel room? SECURITY! Securi....oh good God...that bloody children’s book. Cough, hack wheeze....Jesus....pass me those Marlboros lad. Cheers mate. Ohhhhh yeah...a good morning fag really gets a day started right. What day is this anyway? I think it’s bloody Tuesday. Yeah, there’s five days in the week kids, Monday and Tuesday .....and whatever. I mean when you’re on tour it’s bus to stage, stage to bus, bus to hotel, who the hell can remember what flippin’ day it is? I tell ya kids, I thought Mick would never finish last night. I’m no wanker, as long as I time the meds correctly I can keep up, but that bloody queen was up there poncing about for TWO damn encores!

ALRIGHT, NOBODY MOVE! Where’s my bleedin' wallet? Damn it, I knew that groupie looked shifty, now I gotta cancel all my cards again, third time this week and...oh wait, never mind, I had it me shorts all along.

Anyway...what was I saying? Oh yeah, like Uncle Keith always says, don’t do drugs. Unless you have an iron metabolism like moi. Hell, if most adults tried to match the dosages I intake before bloody brunch, they’d be waking up brown bread in a morgue somewhere. Janis, Jimmy, pikers all, am I right? Take last night for instance, I have no recollection of anything I did after the show, but listen to this peronal recorder I keep by the bedside....oops, close your ears little ones, that’s me and the groupie, let me fast forward.....no, not that, that’s me snoring.....that’s me having a chunder....oh, here we go, hear that riff? Thing of beauty that. It’s going to make me another million dollars and I was off one’s face when I did it! I’m like one of those biological freaks kids, so don’t be mucking about with this stuff, blokes like me are as rare as hen’s teeth!

You, boy...hand me that bottle of....ahh....water. “Vodka” is Russian for water. Blimey, doing a kids book is easier than I thought. Mmmmm, there we go....feeling better already. Now kids, I may be crinkly but remember, rock will keep you young. You see all these pussy bands they have out there today? Little MTV props is all they are. Now don’t get me wrong, the Stones will put on a show, but we studied the history right? Your blues, your country, even a little jazz. These bands today are like those over recopied cartoons you find in office cubes, a bad copy of a bad band that was bad copy of another bad band. We may be old, but we got more authenticity than ninety percent of those crack-handed groups out there today!

OK, kids, Uncle Keith needs a kip, you got me up at bloody noon for Christ’s sake. Got another show tonight and I am knackered. You can let yourselves out...and before you get any ideas, the wallet is staying in my shorts! Oh and one last thing, don’t drink and drive kids. That’s why God invented chauffeurs. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

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Our First DVD President

2005-09-15T01:29:00.000-07:00

It's a standing joke among the president's top aides: who gets to deliver the bad news? Warm and hearty in public, Bush can be cold and snappish in private, and aides sometimes cringe before the displeasure of the president of the United States....Some White House staffers were watching the evening news and thought the president needed to see the horrific reports coming out of New Orleans. Counselor Dan Bartlett made up a DVD of the newscasts so Bush could see them in their entirety as he flew down to the Gulf Coast the next morning on Air Force One. - Newsweek

From: Chief of Staff Andrew Card
To: All West Wing Staff
Subject: The use of issue DVDs to aid President Bush in being President.

As most of you know, President Bush is proud of his record of ignoring the main stream media and relying on us, his staff, to provide him with information that is vital to do his job. There has been some confusion recently on the President's preferred source of information: the issue DVD. Following are some general guidelines and examples to guide you in your DVD creations.

First, it is important to remember that President Bush is not the first Chief Executive to rely on an entertainment medium to show him how to do his job. It is believed that President Lincoln’s staff often employed puppet shows that included vital information on the status of the Union Army to help him make decisions during the the Civil War. There are reports that FDR’s staff hired Columbia to include munition and troop strength figures in specially made Three Stooges (favorites of FDR) shorts.

Please use standard DVD-R or DVD+R formats for creating your issue DVDs! DVD-RW and DVD+RW discs do not work correctly in the Air Force One player, and the President gets angry and will throw the malfunctioning discs at the nearest aide! DVD cuts smart.

Get to the point! When you need the President to understand the importance of an issue, do it quickly and succinctly. For instance, in the Katrina DVDs we went right to people crying for food and water outside the Superdome, folks holding signs on their roofs and corpses in the water. The President will switch over to ESPN unless you lead with the good stuff.

Make sure to edit the commercials out. As any of you who were stuck on the President’s 60 city tour to promote Floam can attest, don’t let him see any infomercials! The President has a weakness these types of products. It took Vice President Cheney, Karl Rove and myself almost a week to convince him not to include a recommendation for the Ronco Dial-O-Matic food slicer in his State of the Union speech.

Make sure, if you are creating an issue DVD, that you clearly mark it as such! The President had planes in the air, NORAD at Defcon 1 and was two minutes away from delivering a speech to the nation before we realized somebody had given him a copy of Independence Day by mistake. Apparently the President thought this was a some sort of military status briefing and is not as familiar, as most of us are, with the many credits of actor Will Smith.

Please keep these points in mind as you create your issue DVD. Our President is relying on your knowledge of the outside world as well as your skills with Adobe Premiere to to help us in continuing our incredible record of success. Also, if you include a bag of microwave popcorn with your DVD it will probably get watched sooner.

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If My Wife Orders One More Piece of Crap from the Harriet Carter Catalog, I’m Outta Here

2005-09-12T19:51:00.000-07:00

OK that’s it! I swear, if that woman orders one more piece of crap from the Harriet Carter catalog, I’m outta here! I mean it, I’ll pack up that dad-blamed Rolling Leather Satchel (pg. 82) and I’ll hit the road!

It’s not like I had a great deal of expectations about my retirement. I was just looking forward to spending my later years with the wife at home, none of that “jetting off to Paris” or “getting an RV” idiocy for me! And it was working out pretty well too, until that damn Harriet Carter catalog showed up in the mail. Now, my wife has always been a sensible woman, but she just fell in love with this thing. She oooo’ed and ahhhh’ed over all the items. When I looked, all I saw was a bunch of junk you’d have trouble unloading at a garage sale, and I told her so. She just smiled and I thought that was that.

I should have realized what was going on when my birthday arrived soon after and I received a pair of Farting Slippers (pg. 99). They are slippers with Old Fart printed on the top and some whoopee cushion contraptions in the heels. They fart as you walk. Hilarious dear. A real gut buster. OK, so, one bad gift, no big deal right?

Then, gradually, more Harriet Carter junk started appearing around the house, an Adjustable Tilt Top Table (pg. 53) to bring that nursing home feel right to our own bedroom. A fake Security “Camera” (pg. 83) which is suppose to scare off really dumb thieves who a.) wouldn’t notice it was made out of cheap plastic and b.) would still want to brake in after they saw the house was full of Harriet Carter merchandise. The last straw came when I saw the wife putting a Tree Face (pg. 7) on the oak out front, to make it look like one of those talking trees from the Wizard of Oz! Good God, now she wanted to advertise to the neighborhood that she’d lost her mind!

I’ve taken to intercepting the mail now so she can’t get her hands on a new edition. If this keeps up the only Harriet Carter item that will come in handy around here is the Memory Frame (pg. 88) for grave sites. She’ll be able to use it for my photo after I die of embarrassment. All I can say is Harriet Carter better hope she doesn’t run into me, because she’s gonna get an earful, let me tell you! And while I’m at it, let me tell that jerk Miles Kimball that the same goes for him!

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Conservatives Want Nation’s Infants to Start Getting Serious About This Debt

2005-09-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

Conservative watchdog groups have joined forces to call upon the infant population of the United States to begin addressing the serious national debt. Conservatives say they believe the responsibility of paying off the debt is exclusively on these baby’s tiny shoulders.

Wayne Kelprine, of the conservative tax watch dog group, It’s My Money-Mine, Mine, Mine! voiced the concerns of many of these groups. “The cost of recovery from hurricane Katrina is going to be astronomical,” said Kelprine, “all these babies are going to have start making some sacrifices along with all that poop!. As you know our generation is the first to accept absolutely no responsibility for any costs involved with the War in Iraq, vital infrastructure maintenance or improvements to national security. That’s just not our thing. We’ve shifted all that responsibility to these babies, so they’d better stop drooling and cooing and get their powdered little behinds in gear!”

Kelprine said he was disappointed by the Presidents response to Katrina. “Jesus Christ, talk about over reaction,” said Kelprine. “What the hell is the President doing using tax payer money to fly down the scene of a national disaster four days late, when he should be addressing the more vital task of eliminating the estate tax? Is he some kind of baby lover? Where is this guy’s priorities? If he gets the nation’s sympathies up, people might start accepting small tax hikes so that all generations take part in making sacrifices that will keep our country financially strong. It’s madness I tell you! Let these damn babies pay for it all!”

Kelprine believes babies often use their inherent cuteness to get out of paying for the debt. “Oh these infants know how to use those big eyes and innocence to shirk their duties as Americans,” said Kelprine. “They get their parents all bamboozled and before you know it they’re not asked to do a thing for themselves, let alone pay for anything. Hell, half of them don’t even bother to feed themselves. Look I own two SUV’s, have you seen gas prices? I think the least these bundles of joy can do is cover my tax burden so I can buy a trailer for my cabin cruiser!”

Nathan Richards, a thirteen month old child from Maryland, thinks Kelprine’s generation refusing to accept responsibility for it’s share of the debt is unfair. “Buss....brrrrrrrmmmmm, wooobie bus,” said Richards. “Eeeeeeeeoop glllllgggllllll. Mama mama mama..urp.”

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