Tuesday, August 29, 2006

President Bush Meets with Bloated Corpse to Discuss Katrina


President Bush met today with a bloated corpse who had traveled to Washington D.C. to mark the one year anniversary of the Hurricane Katrina disaster. The corpse, which had lurched it's way on foot from New Orleans to the White House met briefly with President Bush in the Oval Office and then appeared with him in front of reporters on the South Lawn.

"I'd like to thank President Bush for meeting with me today," said the corpse, "we has a good chat. I told him it was nice to meet him face to face, since the closest I'd ever been to a president was when he flew over New Orleans as my body floated through the ninth ward. He explained that we all have to be patient, since rebuilding is going to take a while. I assured him that really wasn't an issue for me. Mainly because I'm dead."

President Bush also said he enjoyed meeting with the corpse. "I like common folks like Bloaty here, because they're plain speakers, they lay it on the line," said the president. "While so many folks complained about the lack of response days after the disaster, they should remember that they were at least better off then my friend here, who drowned right after the levees gave way. It's like that old saying: 'I used to complain because I have no shoes...until I met the corpse who feet had fallen off'...er something like that. Guys like the Bloatmeister will always be welcome in this White House, no matter how bad they smell."

"Look, it was a hurricane, I drowned, and a major American city was destroyed," said the corpse. "Everybody wants to blame President Bush, but these things happen. There's only so much one can expect from the leader of the free world."

Thursday, August 17, 2006

And Now, David Addison for the Consti-2-Shun Document Shredder


Hi, my name is David Addison. I’m Vice-President Cheney’s chief of staff and a Bush White House legal advisor. I’ve always considered myself to be a behind the scenes kind of guy. While you may not know me, I’m sure you’ve heard of my work. Unfettered presidential power? That was me. Gitmo? Yep, yours truly. And if the NSA is listening into your phone conversations without a court order, you have Dave Addison to thank!

So why on earth would a guy who likes to work in the shadows agree to do an infomercial? So I can tell you about this wonderful new product from the good folks at Tentacucorp, the Consti-2-Shun Document Shredder. It’s taken me years to develop an ability see the constitution as if it were one those hidden picture stereogram posters, enabling me to come up with bizarre interpretations that allow a president to ignore nearly all it’s mandates. But now, with the Consti-2-Shun shredder anyone can tear asunder all inalienable rights in less than a minute! It’s patented crosscut blades are guaranteed to make short work of any parchment upon which your nation was founded!

Gone is the fuss and muss of my signing statements, my fairy tale assessment of a president’s supernatural powers during wartime and the institutionalization of water boarding! Now with the click of a button, I can shred the constitution, the Bill of Rights and the Declaration of Independence before I finish my first cup of office coffee! The Consti-2-Shun shredder will not jam and leaves nothing but unreadable confetti for bleeding heart hippie liberals to cry over. In these troubled times we need tools like the Consti-2-Shun shredder to protect us from all documents which might grant basic rights to terrorists bent on destroying our way of life. Can your home be without it?

Order before midnight tonight and you’ll receive a copy of my book “So Your Boss Shot An Old Guy In Face” as well as a years supply of Consti-2-Shun shredder blade lube, all at no extra cost! Call now! NSA operators are standing by!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

President Bush Says Foiled Terrorist Attack Leaves Him No Choice But To Invade Britain


Speaking from his vacation home in Crawford Texas, President George W. Bush said today that evidence that the terror plot to blow up American airplanes came from British citizens has left him no choice but to invade the island country. “Britain must understand, that if you harbor terrorists you will face consequences,” said Bush while clearing mesquite from a drainage ditch, “as I have often said, you are either with us or against us.”

“Understand, this is not a decision I made with any relish, Tony Blair is a friend of mind, just the other day we had a nice chat over some dinner rolls, I like the guy,” said President Bush. “But if you allow your country to become the home base for terror cells bent on harming our citizens or property, America has no choice but to act! I am requesting that Tony Blair, Parliament as well as Queen Elizabeth and her family all resign and turn themselves over to UN authorities by this weekend. Operation Revolution 2 will begin at a time of choosing not long after. As for all you tea sipping terrorists over there, let me tell you, Don Rumsfeld drew up these plans himself, so get ready for London to be looking a lot like Baghdad in a couple of months!”

“Britain and America have always had a complicated relationship,” said President Bush, “our founding fathers had to smack their hoity-toity redcoat generals around a bit for this country to get it’s start. And today, since Britain doesn’t seem to care that a bunch of their own citizens want to destroy our country's great experiment in democracy, I guess we’ll have to teach those crumpet chomping elites another lesson! Better get your fabled bomb shelters cleared out and ready for business again Londoners, you know what I’m saying?”

“I think this time I can safely say that Britain is in possession of weapons of mass destruction, we just don’t have the time for our usual half-hearted State Department diplomacy," said the President as he patched a barbed-wire fence. "What if these weapons fall into the terrorists' hands? We must act quickly and decisively if we are to reduce most of that historic country to rubble and inflict the highest number of casualties to innocent civilians caught in the crossfire. And don’t think images of folks with fancy english accents crawling out of the what’s left of their flats is going to weaken our resolve. You Englishmen let these terrorist infiltrate your pubs and betting parlors, what did you expect to happen? Besides, we are currently working on passing legislation for changing the name of our native language here in the US from ‘English’ to ‘Freedomish’.”

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Conservative Talk Show Host Spontaneously Combusts During “Myth of Global Warming Rally”


Phoenix conservative talk show host Rory McVear appeared to spontaneously combust while doing a live broadcast from his “Myth of Global Warming Rally” in the parking lot of the Sunwest Shopping Center in Scottsdale.

McVear, host of the popular call-in show “The Real Story With Rory”, held the outdoor rally primarily to protest the success of Al Gore’s film “An Inconvenient Truth” which is currently playing at the Sunwest 16 Stadium movie theater. Transcripts show McVear was doing an imitation of Al Gore at the moment he burst into flame. “Hi, I’m Al Gore, tonight I’d like to scare you all to death so I can start my ‘08 campaign for president of the...ARRRRGGGHHHHHHH!,” said McVear as his body was suddenly consumed by flame.

“Well it was 120 or so degrees out there and lord knows how much hotter it was on that asphalt, “ said McVear’s longtime producer Ray Frankleer. “I told Rory we should move inside but he wouldn’t hear of it, said he loved the heat. Man, he went off like a roman candle, I’ve never seen anything like it. It took the firemen almost an hour to put him out. Sad too, because all we planned on burning out there were copies of Gore’s book.”

“Look, I’m sure all the ecolo-nazis out there will claim global warming caused the excessive temperatures which caused Rory’s calcination, but I’m sure it was just bad luck,” said Frankleer. “Rory always said these tree huggers want to blame mankind first but c’mon, people burst into pillars of scorching fire everyday! So what if temperatures are climbing to 120 or 150, it’s just a natural process the earth goes through. I will not let these deluded scientists’ theories sully the memory of this great man.....or his large pile of ashes.”

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Again With The Super Balls

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What can Dr. Max say? I just happen to always be on the cutting edge of what’s hot. Apparently a large amount of colored super balls are now the new black.

Is it easy being a scout for popular culture? No, you need an extremely short attention span and lots of hours to waste online to spot what the rest of the world will soon consider cool.

On the cusp of last weekend’s posting about the Sony super ball ad, Dr. Max discovered this art exhibition featuring our favorite colored lump of compressed synthetic rubber. While Lukira may have done the actual hard work of researching and posting on this exhibition called “Atomix-Full of Love, Full of Wonder" by artist Nike Savvas at Art Gallery of New South Wales, Dr. Max saw it in connection with a growing interest in the bouncy wonders that is about to reach the tipping point into full blown fad.

The super ball market looks bullish, scoop up as many as you can before this trend peaks. Another public service of That One Blog.