Monday, July 31, 2006

The Washington State Supreme Court is So Gay


As may of you may know, Dr. Max’s home state Supreme Court last Wednesday in a 5-4 decision upheld Washington's 1998 ban on same-sex marriage. Chucklehead Justice Barbara Madsen, writing the for the majority with her tongue sticking out and having to read the words out loud to herself, managed to piece together this paragraph, “The Legislature was entitled to believe that limiting marriage to opposite-sex couples furthers procreation, essential to the survival of the human race and furthers the well-being of children by encouraging families where children are reared in homes headed by children's biological parents." Her clerks are surprised she still dot’s her i’s with little hearts.

Justice Madsen, who often appears on the bench with her robe on backwards, used her vast knowledge and career experience in the law, to state she had no problem with the Washington State Legislature bending to the hysterical fears of the religious right by codifying a law to deny a basic right to gay couples. While this decision was heartbreaking to same sex couples in that it will set back their hopes to be afforded the rights of every other citizens for decades, it pissed of Dr. Max too. Apparently Justice Madsen thinks adoptive families don’t meet the State Legislature’s high standards either.

We conclude that limiting marriage to opposite-sex couples furthers the State’s interests in procreation and encouraging families with a mother and father and children biologically related to both,” slowly wrote the dimwitted Justice Madsen. Justice Madsen, Barb, sweetheart, Mrs. Dr. Max and I tried, we really did. We desperately wanted are own children from the very beginning of our marriage, but it didn’t work out. God kept aborting our babies. After a particularly nasty episode in which my brave wife, after expensive and exhausting fertility treatments ended up in the emergency room with a life threatening tubular pregnancy we said enough. We decided to adopt. Today we are the proud parents of two beautiful children from China Apparently because they are not our biological children and my wife and I are unable to procreate, Justice Madsen thinks we’re some lesser form of family. Somewhat acceptable, but not the ideal family that the State of Washington is looking for. With all due respect Justice Madsen, let me counter her arguments by citing this precedent from Raspberry v Lunkhead Justice: “TBBBTHHHHHHLLLLLLPPPPTH!”

Again, the true victims of this decision are those same-sex couples who just want the simple right to get married here in Washington. But in insulting Dr. Max’s family in their nonsensical arguments, Justice Madsen and the other 4 peabrained Justices who agreed with her have allowed me the guilt-free use of the one weapon we bloggers have in our fight against the powers that be: juvenile name calling. Knowing my blog’s lack of popularity, Justice Madsen will never have to worry about actually seeing this post. But if does come to her attention, I do apologize. Name calling is not nice. But hey, at least I didn’t call her a bad mother.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Super Ball Healing



Here’s a great ad for Sony's Bravia TV that I found on the web. After a night of surfing all the bad news in the world, this put a smile on my face.

I couldn’t figure out how I had missed seeing this ad when I realized it was created for England and Europe. If it had a run here in the States, I must have been in the bathroom when it was on. Here’s Sony's site if you want to see it in higher quality Quicktime. Enjoy.

(Ethics clarification: The only reason I posted this is because I like it. Dr. Max is recieving no remuneration from Sony. However, if the electronics giant is interested in throwing huge wads of cash my way, I'm totally open to the idea.)

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Astronomer Using Keck Observatory To Discover New Planets and Chicks in Bikinis


Dr. Randolph Kendledown astronomer at NASA’s Keck Interferometer Observatory in Hawaii is using the power of it’s twin telescopes to discover “previous unknown planets outside our solar system and some really hot chicks in bikinis down on the beach.”

Located at the summit of Mauna Kea the Keck Interferometer consists of two 33-foot telescopes whose light is combined to produce a resolving power equal to that of a football-field sized telescope. “The observation power provided by the Keck Interferometer gives me the ability to survey solar systems light years away and discover the signs of distant planets,” said Dr. Kendledown. “Not to mention my ability to see babes with huge cans on the beaches 14,000 feet below.”

“Recently we were able to use the Keck Interferometer to reduce the light of the star Vega by 100 times,” said Dr. Kendledown. “By blocking the interfering light of these stars we hope to be able to spot actual earth-like planets and through spectrometry get a picture of their chemical make up. It also gives us the ability to observe the wet t-shirt contests thrown by Al’s Seaside Tiki Bar & Resort.”

“The Keck Observatory is an invaluable tool,” said Dr. Kendledown. “It may allow us to make the first detailed observations of exoplanets that would be capable of producing life while also allowing me to ogle some foxes in skimpy bikinis that I’d totally like to do.”

Thursday, July 20, 2006

President Bush Vetoes Stem Cell Bill to Protect Innocent Human Life Not Living In Iraq


President Bush vetoed a bill Wednesday which would have expanded federal research on embryonic stem cells, saying he could not morally allow the taking of innocent human life not living in Iraq.

Surrounded by children born as a result of embryo-adoption programs President Bush said, “these embryos are each a unique human life with dignity and matchless value and luckily they live here in the States. Granted, a mess of folks are dying over there in Iraq but they are acceptable losses in the struggle to establish liberty in the Middle East and not defenseless microscopic bundles of cells. I think the difference is clear.”

“I know I could not in good conscience sleep at night if I signed a bill that would result in the death of these embryos,” said President Bush. “and I suppose this Iraq war should cause me some sleepless nights too, but quite frankly I’ve been sleeping like a baby. Now I understand that my piss-poor planning has resulted in the loss of countless innocent Iraqi infants, children and elderly but I guess those folks happen to live outside my moral boundary.”

“I vow to continue to defend these American zygotes,” said President Bush, “even as I continue to not give a tinker’s damn about daily post-embryonic fatalities in Baghdad. What can I say? I’m a complicated guy.”

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Open Mic Night


Bush: Yo Tonester, how they hanging there buddy?

Blair: Fine George, fine. I’m sure your as upset about this Middle East situation as I am.

Bush: Not as much as I am about the butter situation here at our end of the table. I mean how the hell is a guy suppose to butter a bun when Jacques McSnootypants hogs it all? First Vlad makes me eat that beet soup and now I can’t get a spread on this roll to get the damn taste out of my mouth.

Blair: I’m sure you feel as I do, that we need a comprehensive diplomatic response, to show how serious we are about....

Bush: Y’know what I call that beet soup Tony? Borschtshit. Get it? Like horseshit, only borschtshit. Hee he he he. I mean, I don’t care how much sour cream you ladle on that crap, the beet still comes through.

Blair: Ahhh....right George, anyway. Will Secretary Rice be heading to Israel? If there's any assistance we can give her on negotiations we’d be happy to....

Bush: God damn it! This Diet Coke is warm. What is so damn hard about getting ice in this country? Man, I can’t wait to get my ass back on Air Force One, I’m gonna get me a freezing cold Diet Coke and a burger, hold the beets. Not sure what the in-flight movie is....

Blair: Getting back to Israel George, I think if we do some of this through the U.N. we could apply some pressure without being seen as siding too much with...

Bush: Jesus Tonemaster, don’t you ever relax? You’re getting like all these other leaders here, it’s like it’s always business with you folks. Look at me, I’m a war-time president but you’d never know it from the way I act. I’m still a fun guy, giving the German Chancellorette a massage, driving those cool golf carts around. It’s why they love me back home.

Blair: Yes, well, this is a rather serious matter here George, we kept telling everyone that the reason for going into a Iraq was to reduce strife in the region and....

Bush: Hey Tone-Loc, please, I’ve heard enough long speeches for one day, OK? Do you foreigners ever stop with the blabbidy blah blah? We’re on vacation here too, loosen up pal.

Blair: But George, with Baghdad in the shape it’s in and now war starting in Lebanon, the world is looking for strong leaders to take action so additional bloodshed can be avoided.

Bush: Woo Hoo! Caddyshack!

Blair: I’m sorry George, what the hell are you talking about?

Bush: I just remembered, the in-flight movie! It’s Caddyshack, that’s a funny one, ever seen that Tony?

Blair: (Sigh)...have a fun trip home George.

Bush: Thanks Tone, say, ask Vlad the Impaler to send more butter patties down here if you get a chance!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

A Picture of My House From Google Earth

It’s true, that’s really my house. I think you can see how much we’ve done with the place. That indistinct blurry patch in the back wasn’t nearly as blurry when we moved in. And before you get on my case, we are going to paint this summer (hey, you live in a place where it rains every other day and see how your house looks after a few years.) I think when we’re done, the next low resolution satellite image will go from a dull milky brown to a slightly brighter dull milky brown.

I know Google Earth has been out for a while but I just downloaded it this week. Take my advice, don’t do this if you want to get anything else accomplished for a few days. Playing with Google Earth is like web crack, once you start you can’t stop. While my neighborhood hasn’t gotten a detailed scan yet, I bet your house has. George W. Bush’s house has....

house2

I have to admit, the man has a nice place, although he doesn’t have the nifty Rubbermaid plastic storage shed like I have in my backyard. That baby holds my mower, my power washer with room to spare for a wheelbarrow. He may be the Decider, but Dr. Max is the Shedder.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Administration Continues to Downplay Threat of North Korea, Even After Seattle Vaporized

Bush Administration officials today continued to downplay the threat of North Korean long range Taepodong-2 nuclear missiles, even after one apparently vaporized the city of Seattle in Washington State. Administration press secretary Tony Snow characterized the destruction of the Northwest port city as “sad, but really, have any great bands come out of there since Nirvana?”

In an apparent attempt at damage control Snow continued, “Look, this is a new dangerous age, I imagine every administration from here on out has to expect to lose a few American cities. Instead of this cheap Democratic partisan whining about New York on September 11th, New Orleans after Katrina and now Seattle, let’s try to remember the overwhelming number of cities in this country that are still standing!”

Snow said that actually having nuclear weapons and the means to deliver them to the continental United States still does not make North Korea more of a threat than Iraq. “Take away his insanity and the starvation of his people and it’s hard to stay mad at Kim Jong Il, I mean he’s like a cute, chubby kewpie doll. Saddam on the other hand has that beard and those eyebrows, we had no choice but to go to war against a guy who looks like that.”

“What did we really lose here,” said Snow, “with all the rain they had out there how many folks really planned vacations to Seattle? Yeah, great, the Space Needle, whoopee, the sixties ended a long time ago. I mean thanks for all the Starbucks, but I think it’s time to move on!”

Snow said the administration is confident that the missile defense system will be able to be fine tuned before any more west coast cities are destroyed. “The Pentagon has assured us that they’ll have all the kinks worked out before Los Angeles gets it,” said Snow. “We’d love nothing better than to nuke North Korea until it glows right now, but we don’t want China getting pissed off at us about the drifting fallout with all our resources in the Middle East. Actually the Pentagon is looking forward to these live tests of their Star Wars program. It’s possible we’ll lose Portland and San Francisco in the process but with all the liberals and gays in those cities, the President is confident their disappearance won’t effect the midterms.”

Friday, July 07, 2006

Apocalypse 4th



Oh yeah, Dr. Max is down with the new fancy-schmancy trends in Web 2.0 blogging. Even in my advanced age I'm still all over the fads the youngsters out there "dig" and think are "groovy." That's right folks, you're looking at a YouTube video up there.

Now before you get too excited, it's NOT Dr. Max dancing in his skivvies to Shakira's Hips Don't Lie. Last year I mentioned in this post how my neighborhood goes a little nuts with the fireworks on the 4th of July. The short, poorly photographed video above illustrates my point. This went on from 8:30 to 11:30 pm.

My house is still standing by the way.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

The Two-Toed Dr. Max


I can hear you out there. “Well LAA DEE DAH, look who decided to post on his own blog today. Gee Dr. Max, hope it wasn’t too much trouble for you to actually follow through on your main responsibility as a blogger. I mean, thanks for the effort but we’ve all moved on to blogs with entries that appear more than twice a month, yah lazy good-for-nothing loser’!”

Boy....you guys are kinda mean.

OK, OK, this is the part where I supply you with a valid excuse for all the cyber dust that has collected around here. And here it is. Lethargy. That’s right, no hospital stay, no crashed computer and no travel to a remote country that lacks internet access. Just simple American inertia. Languor mixed with torpor, all wrapped in a carmel coating of lassitude.

Summer sang it’s song to me and I answered. Left the computer off and went outside with the little ones to teach them the fine art of goofing off. Listened to the chirping of the flowers and took the time to smell the birds (Yeah, got those turned around there. Just a tip, birds don’t like to be smelled. And I got the beak scars to prove it.) Stayed away from politics and the news and let the summer breeze make me feel fine, blowing through the jasmine in my mind. Heck I bet I haven’t missed a thing, I mean it’s not like North Korea fired long range missiles at the United States or anything, am I right or am I right?

So I’m back! Tanned, rested and ready to get back to making this lame blog even lamerer....er. And I make this commitment to you handful of fans of That One Blog: Dr. Max will try to contribute more often, even if it’s just a short paragraph or two. Unless I win the lottery of course, then I’ll just hire this dang blog out to some slave labor plant in China or India.

Whew....that was EXHAUSTING. Dr. Max needs a nap.