Monday, June 19, 2006

Republican Leadership Blames Democrats For Not Having Solutions For Republican Screw-Ups


Leaders in the Republican party today blamed Democrats for not offering realistic solutions for all the screw-ups Republicans have made while controlling all branches of government.

“Democrats are great at criticizing the administration for Iraq,” said Republican Party head, Ken Mehlman, “yet when it comes to offering a comprehensive plan that will assure a stable government in Iraq, the end to all sectarian violence in the region, the peaceful withdrawal of all US troops in the country and the end of all terrorism everywhere so mankind will live in peace and harmony forever, the silence is deafening. Don’t they understand that this war we Republicans started has cost us 2,501 troops and nearly $300 billion dollars so far?! This is so typical of Democrats, they’re always gung-ho to vote for a misguided policy when a Republican administration misleads them about the case for war, yet when the going gets tough they start whining about finding no WMD’s or not having control of either houses of congress. It’s a shame that the Democratic party is so partisan that they won’t save our country from our own moronic Republican leadership!”

Republican House leader Dennis Hastert says Democrats did nothing to stop Republican Representatives from getting involved in corruption. “I was here when Delay let Abramoff’s money start flowing in. It was heartbreaking to see how easily the members of my party fell prey to huge wads of cash, poker parties and hookers, particularly since we always claimed the Republican party was the party of responsibility. What really gets me though is not one Democrat lifted a finger to prevent a Republican from engaging in corruption, it was like they expected my guys to uphold their sacred oaths of office and keep the interests of their constituents above those of special interests...all on their own! With so many of my Republican colleges under indictment, I just don’t know how these Democrats can sleep at night!”

Senate Republican leader Bill Frist also was critical of Democrats for continuing to allow Republicans to pander to their base with issues like Terri Schiavo, flag burning and gay marriage. “I’m a Doctor for Christ’s sake, “ said Frist, ”you don’t think I felt like an idiot diagnosing that poor woman by video tape? Where were these Democrats when I did that? Not one of them had the courage to tackle me or break the camera or anything. No, they just let me make a fool of myself. McCain’s gonna use that footage all during the primaries I just know it! Thanks to you Democrats, I have to spend my days writing up useless gay marriage and flag burning constitutional amendment legislation. Why can't you guys can’t get your shit together long enough to win control of one damn house? I tell you, some days I just feel like taking that blind trust money and retiring.”

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The Boys Are Back!


President Bush: Hey Turd Blossom, just heard the good news! How about a no indictment high-five buddy?!

Karl Rove: Thanks Mr. President. Nice of you to come in sir, I know you must be tired after those six hours in Baghdad.

President Bush: Boy howdy you got that right. Long flight for a photo op. But hey, at least I’m not still in the National Guard, you know what I’m saying?!

Karl Rove: Ha ha, good one sir. I think things are really starting to turn around for us sir. Killing al-Zarqawi is sure to distract from the daily deaths, the billions we’re throwing away there each month and the fact Bin-Laden is still free.

President Bush: Super idea to fly over there Karlster! I bet them troops really got a lift from me shaking their hands and stuff. Some of ‘em were so excited they wanted me to go with them on a patrol to the airport to search for I.E.D.s but they knew I had to skee-daddle. That al-Maliki guy sure was surprised to see me, I caught him playing Windows solitaire when I came into his office. I think he’ll be a great Iraqi President though, cause that’s how I spend most of my time in the Oval Office.

Karl Rove: He’s the Prime Minister sir. I’m sure his popularity will just soar once the Iraqi people see him in all those photos with you.

President Bush: Well, I do what I can. A lot of Presidents would have just been satisfied with spreading liberty and rebuilding schools, but I like to go that extra mile...as long as my visit isn’t announced until Air Force One is heading back to D.C.

Karl Rove: I told you sir, we just have to be patient. Those N.S.C. records of Fitzgerald’s personal calls sure paid off in getting this indictment off my back. The Vice President is doing a good job getting his friends in the oil companies to get the gas prices down before the midterms and not shooting anyone else in the face. Baring any Hurricanes during your vacation, we could find ourselves as in the high 30’s in polling before we know it.

President Bush: I think it’s good we’ve lowered the bar on my job performance so much, it makes any small glimmer of competence look that much more impressive.

Karl Rove: And we’ll back you up sir. We’ll keep flogging these silly gay marriage, immigration and flag burning issues until the conservative base monkeys start flinging their poop.

President Bush: I think we’re back Karl! Who knows, when I finally leave this White House I may even be considered, “almost adequate.”

Karl Rove: Dare to dream sir, dare to dream.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Still Alive

Just a short note to let you know I'm still alive. Helping out again with a family illness, so no time to write or surf. Just time enough to enjoy the sweet life of a text only entry. Ahhh, no Photoshop....this rocks! Take care, will be back soon.