Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Gates Concerned That Microsoft’s Animated Movies Never Do as Well as Pixar’s


Bill Gates, chairman of Microsoft Corporation, voiced concern today that his animated film division has never equaled the success of Steve Job’s Pixar Studios. Microsoft's little known film division, called MS Spockets XP, has never had a breakout hit like Pixar’s The Incredibles or Finding Nemo. “We had high hopes for The Magic License when we released it this past April but it just tanked,” said Gates. “It was about some kids who defeat an evil wizard who is making illegal copies of Windows XP. This Magic Users License gives the kids the power to report the wizard to the Federal Trade Commission. I really can’t figure out why the film didn’t do well, to me it was a heartwarming tale of how each copy of Windows you use needs to have a valid users license, and the serious fines and criminal penalties you can face if you don’t have one. I guess we didn’t put in enough songs.”

Another Microsoft animated feature that failed was 2003’s Office! “Yeah, Office! did even worse at the box office than The Magic License,” Gates said. “We tried to leverage the popularity of our Talking Paper Clip and created a story about how Clippy helps an elderly toy maker, Mr. McGonkle, save his workshop with the help of Microsoft Office Small Business Edition 2003. I’ll admit, it was probably a mistake to render a whole film in PowerPoint, a lot of parents said it felt less like a movie and more like a sales presentation. Granted, it may not have been a Toy Story, but I thought it had a real emotional pull, and taught some important life lessons about how Office is the complete business solution to streamline communication and increase sales.”

“Our next release is going to be in vein of The Chronicles of Narnia, “ said Gates, “we call it The Windows of Vista and I think we’ll finally have that hit we’ve been looking for! It follows a group of children sent to an alternate dimension to get a magical code which will save the world, called The Windows of Vista. Steve Ballmer is directing and we’ll be combining some live action child actors with some awesome animated GIFs we made in FrontPage. This baby is going to put Cars to shame! You’ll have to be patient however, we’ve had to delay the release a few times, our rendering servers keep crashing because of viruses and spyware. When we ran the dailies of our special effects a few days ago all they were all just static shots of the blue screen of death. Also, Ballmer keeps yelling at the child actors and making them cry. But look for The Windows of Vista in theaters near you by the end of the year, or in 2007. Maybe 2009. 2012 tops!”

Friday, May 26, 2006

As TV Season Ends Americans Experiencing Corpse Withdrawal


As the 2005-2006 TV season in America ends, many fans of network shows are experiencing withdrawal from weekly viewings of fresh corpses. “Jesus, no new CSI’s for three months,” said Blaine Whitby of Cleveland, “frankly I’m gonna miss them all, Las Vegas, Miami and New York. They have the highest ratio of dead bodies out there. What with their detailed depictions of crime scenes and autopsies, you just can’t beat the CSI franchise for entertainment value!”

Debra Ferndale of Chicago says she and her husband have stocked up on a few series to get them through the summer months. “We have set aside some Crossing Jordans and Law & Orders on the TiVo,” said Debra, “so we can ration our corpses until the fall. Obviously these series are not in the same league as C.S.I., but if you look hard enough they occasionally feature a nice bloated drowning victim or a crusty burned skeleton with some of the same stomach turning attention to detail as C.S.I.!”

Fred Boyston of Phoenix said he will be trying out shows he didn’t watch during the regular season. “I’ve got high hopes for Bones and Criminal Minds,” said Boyston, “and I’ve also heard some good things about House. While House doesn’t usually feature actual dead bodies it does show those internal body shots of hemorrhages with those sickening sloshy wet sound effects. If the shots are gross enough, who cares if they're dead?”

Maggie Welbright of Fargo says she is worried because her family has bonded by watching network TV cadavers. “It’s similar to what gathering around the hearth used to be for families before TV was invented,” said Welbright, “we all sit together and bask in the glow of a graphic post mortem examination. I’m not sure what will happen now, I fear the lack of fresh depictions of Y incisions and brain removals could impact our special family time. Actually, my four-year-old, Todd, might not scream with abject terror each night and pee his bed as much, but the rest of us are going to have to deal with a summer without stiffs.”

Monday, May 22, 2006

Queen Elizabeth Opens Monarchy to Sponsors


Queen Elizabeth II announced today that she is opening the monarchy of the British Commonwealth to commercial sponsorship. “We hold a special place in the hearts and minds of the millions of citizens in the Commonwealth of Nations, “ said Queen Elizabeth, “now, imagine your company’s logo with a prime location on my sash! We would suggest one makes reservations today as prominent signage is going fast!

With questions rising in England and the Commonwealth regarding the legitimacy of the monarchy in the modern age, experts believe Queen Elizabeth decided to accept advertising to help offset the costs of maintaining it’s existence. Reginald Smythe-Jones, royal watcher for the London Sun-Herald says the Queen may be recognizing the need for her and her family to transform from monarchs to mascots. “This announcement along with the recent unveiling of ‘The Realm’ theme park on the grounds of Buckingham Palace really shows the royal family is ready to leverage their high visibility for some major coin,” said Smythe-Jones. “After all, somebody has got to keep those bloody Pembroke Welsh Corgis in kibble.”

Along with ad space on royal gowns, ceremonial uniforms and the royal carriage, Queen Elizabeth said she will open bidding for the naming rights of Balmoral Castle. “If one has the financial wherewithal, one can even purchase our premium title inclusion package,” said Queen Elizabeth. “For example, Prince Charles’ formal title could be changed to Prince of Wales as Presented by Sky Television. One sees a real synergy here for advertisers and our royal personages.”

“One must move on with the times,” said Queen Elizabeth, “we understand some of our subjects have not been all that pleased with our behavior of late. While one could of course justify our affairs, divorces and dressing in Nazi uniforms as the reasonable result of selective inbreeding, we choose to be more constructive and find a profitable way to justify our existence. We know that most of our subjects will always appreciate the history and the tradition of the royal family to the Commonwealth, just as they appreciate the reviving taste of PG tips tea. One asks you to look for the new Royal Edition tins of PG’s pyramid freeflow bags at a Tesco, Morrisons or Sainsbury’s near you. We all need a PG moment!”

Monday, May 15, 2006

Lincoln Says When George W. Bush Gets to Heaven He’s Going to Kick His Ass


Abraham Lincoln, former president of the United States has sent word from heaven that when George W. Bush arrives, he’s going to kick his ass. “Seriously, I hope President Bush has a long and happy retirement once he leaves office,” said President Lincoln. “But I would suggest he spends most of that time learning self defense because, I swear, once he walks through those Pearly Gates, Honest Abe is gonna be all up in his grill!”

“I mean, c’mon, what the hell does that idiot think I saved the Union for,” said the deceased 16th President, “so he and Cheney could destroy the Constitution? God damn but that guy pisses me off! George Washington keeps telling me to settle down, to be dignified when he arrives, to have respect for a fellow office holder. Screw that noise, I’m gonna be on him like crazy on my wife. I’m just gonna let a haymaker fly when he holds out his hand for me to shake! I can’t wait to see his surprised look when the Great Emancipator brings it on, hee hee!”

“I’m not the only one around here that wants to pound the smirk off that little no-brain’s face, “ said Lincoln, “Jefferson is fit to be tied! We were talking the other day and Tom doubts the guy has ever read an actual book. Anyone with a minimal understanding of US history would comprehend the whole point of the American Revolution was to establish a democracy run by we the people, with a clear separation of church and state! So here comes W. ready to trash all that so he can become king of a new American theocracy! Jefferson said he’d hold Bush’s arms back for me if I wanted.”

“Ted Roosevelt also says he’s ready to throwdown along side of me whenever I give the word,” said Lincoln. “Ted’s big achievements as president were in conservation of the wilderness and the regulation of large corporations. Thanks to Bushy Jr., there’s not a wildlife refuge safe from pipelines and frickin' monopolies are back in fashion. Teddy says he’ll be happy to quietly discuss his differences with 42, and, if he gets any lip, introduce him to a big stick.”

“Look, I know I looked pretty skinny back when I was on earth, but I've been working out for 141 years now,” said Lincoln. “Let’s just say the Rail Splitter’s got some nice sized guns and their aching to do a little business! Tell Georgy that heaven ain’t like his National Guard service, daddy can’t fix things for him up here. No, I’d suggest that when he sees a stovepipe hat coming at him through the heavenly mists, he either get his fists ready for fighting or his feet ready for running. I don’t appreciate folks who disgrace the office I loved and respected, just ask Nixon. Mr. Watergate still flinches every time he sees me.”

Thursday, May 11, 2006

NSA Wireless “You Talk, We Listen” Plan Offers Free RAZR Phones


The National Security Agency announced today that they are offering free Motorola RAZR V3 phones to anyone who signs up for their “You Talk, We Listen” wireless phone plan. “NSA Wireless is always looking for innovative ways to introduce customers to our fine service,” said spokesperson Lt. Jenny Bradington, “we think these free RAZR phones are perfect for students, busy moms, peace activists, Democrats and foreigners from Islamic countries.”

“These RAZRs have all the hot options phone customers are looking for,” said Lt. Bradington. “We’ve got Bluetooth headsets as standard, a 3 megapixel digital camera, and, in an NSA Wireless exclusive, free GPS mapping! The GPS feature is invaluable for hiking, car navigation and triangulating F-18 air strikes. Don’t leave home without it!”

Signing up is simple, just head over to any NSA Wireless office and after a thorough cavity search you will be taken to a registration cell. There teams of NSA agents...er, I mean, sales associates will obtain your fingerprints and DNA. You will provide us with a complete history of your life and valid explanations for any trips you have ever taken overseas. After interrogation you will be asked to sign a loyalty oath to President Bush and have a back-up tracking chip surgically implanted into your skull. After that the cool RAZR phone is all yours!”

“At NSA Wireless you get the most free minutes of any cellular plan,” said Lt. Bradington, “our “You Talk, We Listen” plan features unlimited 24 hour calling, including nights and weekends, local and long distance. Our NSA operators are always standing by too, listening to each and every call you make, recording everything you say. And, for a limited time, if we overhear you say certain secret names, words or phrases, you’ll be an instant winner! NSA associates will converge on your location to award you with an all-expenses-paid rendition flight to a surprise location overseas! You won’t even have to pack! If you’re a loyal American I’d advise you to sign up today.”

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Sleep Aid Drug Manufacturer Credits “Bush Insomnia” For Record Profits


Drug manufacturer, T.D. Weesley Inc., maker of the sleep aid Nodoxidin, said they achieved record profits last quarter due to “Bush Insomnia”. “People don’t know what to expect next from this administration,” said T.D. Weesley spokesperson, Henry Childs, “they lie awake at night going over all the things Bush has done and could do to before he leaves office, so we couldn’t be happier.”

Childs said the Nodoxidin division’s profits were up by 75% over the previous quarter. “We can’t keep it on the shelves,” said Childs, “customers are telling us that try as they might, they cannot keep visions of Iraq, Hurricane Katrina and high gas prices out of their heads at bedtime. Nodoxidin seems to be the most effective drug in helping these Bush insomniacs achieve sleep, mainly due to it’s ability to produce low grade, short term comas.”

“Our surveys also show that the Bush administration appears to produce some very vivid nightmares,” said Childs. “With Bush’s approval ratings so low he has nothing left to lose, one can only imagine what he has in store for us in next few years. We advise anyone suffering from apocalyptic dreams of an Iranian Nuclear War or the federal response to a bird flu outbreak take two tablets an hour before sleep. Read the label closely however as this may cause deathlike symptoms, including not breathing and decomposition.”

“We only wish Bush could run for a third term,” said Childs. “We would sure as hell be contributing to his reelection campaign if that damn constitution hadn’t been amended after F.D.R.. We’re making so much money we feel like an oil company. We’re still holding out hope he just calls off the elections and stays barricaded in the White House. Talk about CHA-CHING!”

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Goth Youth Ashamed of Secret Feelings of Joy


I gotta get to a doctor or something, man. Something is seriously wrong with me. I don’t know why, but all Spring long I’ve had these horrible feelings of joy and happiness. Dude, I’m begging you, do not tell the other goths.

I can not figure out where all this damn glee is coming from! Nothing has changed in my life. I get up every morning, put on my heavy black eye liner and lipstick, grab my black leather long-rider coat and head off to school. Once there I sit through my usual boring classes headed by dumb teachers. Afterwards I meet up with my other goth friends. We sit around and talk about how everything popular is stupid and how existence itself seems meaningless. Y’know, same ol’, same ol.

So as I’m walking home from school the other week, what do I catch myself doing? Whistling for Christ’s sake! Me, a goth, whistling! And that’s not the worst of it...it was showtune...from CATS!

I’ve tried doing some of the things I really enjoy to make myself feel normal. I pierced my other nipple, I got that tattoo of the rabid dog with blood gushing from the eye sockets and I’ve even reread my favorite Anne Rice novels, but no go. I just can’t seem to shake these awful feelings of optimism.

I’m telling you man, I came this close to volunteering to go over and spend the afternoon with Grandma last weekend. I was actually looking forward to hearing her reminisce about the old days! What the hell is wrong with me?!

I figure this has to be some kind of phase kids my age go through. I’m hoping this disgusting joie de vivre will soon pass and I can return to my warlock training and thrash metal CDs. I’m not asking for much, I just want to get back to the good old days when life was a hollow sham of sorrow and pain.

Monday, May 01, 2006

New Study Says Antioxidants May Not Provide As Many Health Benefits As First Thought.....Wait, Yes They Do....Strike That, No They Don’t....Wait....


An article in the Overlake College Of Medicine says that increasing antioxidants in a diet may not offer as many health benefits for an individual as preliminary studies had indicated. Antioxidants, found in most fruits and vegetables were thought to play a role in fighting cancer, preventing aging and lowering cholesterol. Antioxidants bind with free oxygen radicals in the body and were believed to prevent damage to healthy cells. “This new study conclusively shows that increasing antioxidant intake probably has little to no effect for most people,” said Dr. Steven Crimphouse, director of the four year study, “so unless you like the taste, just stop eating fruits and vegetables.”

“Hold the phone,” said Dr. Crimphouse, “our even newer study says that antioxidants are very beneficial! Why the hell did you stop eating fruits and vegetables?! Are you trying to kill yourself or something? Jesus Christ, what kind of idiot would stop trying to increase the levels of antioxidants in their body? Have you seen these latest figures? They show that antioxidants are the key to eternal life and in helping those with male pattern baldness regrow hair!!! Stop reading this article right now, you tub-of-lard, and get your fat ass down to Albertsons and buy as many fruits and vegetables as you can get your hands on. Hurry, your life may depend on it!”

“Wait, forget what I just said, my bad, “said Dr. Crimphouse,”these new, newer figures show antioxidants can kill you! Get that damn carrot out of your mouth for God’s sake! Good Lord, don’t tell me you gave your kids apples and broccoli! I swear, I’m gonna call child services on you! These antioxidants are like rat poison you bastard! Why do we even bother doing these studies when dumb shits like you don’t follow any of our suggestions? Get a hazmat team to your house now and have them remove any trace of fruits and vegetables or you are going to die in a day or two, do you hear me?“

“Now what are you doing,” continued Dr. Crimphouse, “where are you taking all those fruits and vegetables? These super, newer, new figures show antioxidants are vital to all life on this planet, are you mad? It’s right here in the data, antioxidants prevent all disease and will give you x-ray vision and the ability to fly! Y’know the hell with you, if you’re so addicted to your Big Macs and take-out pizza and you can’t eat a measly orange or some celery once and while, I give up! It would be a lot easier if you just put a gun to your head y’know! I don’t even know why I became a research physician in the first place, it’s like you’re not even listening to me anymore!”