Monday, January 30, 2006

Bush to Heal Nation


The following is text from George W. Bush’s upcoming State of the Union speech....

My fellow Americans, one of the most important problem facing this great land is the rising cost of health care. These costs, along with the rising numbers in uninsured citizens has reached crisis levels in America. It is time to act. Tonight I am announcing my administration’s Remedy For America Plan. This plan will consist of : A.) Me saying the words “health care” about 50 times in this State of the Union Speech B.) The development of a comprehensive series of half-assed measures that will address none of the basic problems in health care costs C.) Accusing Democrats of having no health care plan in mid-term election ads and through the talking points of our right wing pundits D.) A complete failure to follow through on any of the measures, so it will look like my Mission to Mars in a year's time. (Hold for applause.)

This health care crisis, which really has no impact on me personally since I’m under Chief Executive Blue Cross for the rest of my life, can still be used to score cheap political points while furthering my vision of an ownership society. I want you to own your health care costs, to reduce the burden of these programs on our poor and needy multinational corporations. The rising costs of health care are preventing the C.E.O’s of some of these companies from obtaining personal Gulfstream jets or third vacation homes in Aspen. Surely we can do better than this for our nations super rich and my major campaign contributors! (Hold for a low grumbling)

My staff has worked overtime coming up with tax deductions for health care expenses, health savings accounts and malpractice caps, all with fancy names that sound great on paper but will end up costing most of you middle class folks much more in deductibles. My hope is to again pull the wool over your eyes, to make you think I’m doing something about health care when, actually, all I plan to do is just throw out these lame proposals in this speech. Like my postwar Iraq plan and my emergency response to Katrina, I will again talk a great deal about how I have the answers while doing absolutely nothing to realistically deal with the situation. It is what you have come to expect from my administration.(Duck the rotten tomatoes.)

Friday, January 27, 2006

Footprints in the Sand


One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”

But Lord, I said, what are those marks near the last set of footprints?

“Ah...uhmm....look, I’ll come clean, the last time I carried you, during your drug addiction, I kinda lost my footing and dropped you. And....well.... it was so wet out there I couldn’t get a good grip on you so I had to drag you for a bit.”

You dragged me Lord?

“Yeah, it was only for a short stretch though, and I got all the candy wrappers and dead crabs out of your hair before I got you up again.”

I see Lord. Well.....thanks for carrying me most of times I was troubled and....

“OK, OK, since I’m laying my cards on the table here, see down the beach, when you were getting your divorce, I dropped you there too. That time I kinda rolled you along with my foot.”

Rolled me?

“Yeah, with my foot, it got the job done and your head only hit a couple of rocks. Look I’m all merciful and I don’t want to hurt your feelings or anything but you might want to mix a salad in every now and then.”

Are you saying I’m fat Heavenly Father? That’s not very kind.

“Kind!? Look pal, you’re talking to the deity who’s had to lug your lard butt down half of this sticking beach. I thought I was gonna get a hernia during your D.U.I! I think I have a right to tell you that maybe you should lay off the fast food and take a walk once and a while.”

I’ve been trying to lose weight....

“PLEASE, this is God you’re talking to! Deciding to forgo a third order of deep fried cheese curds is NOT a diet!”

Oh, my Lord it’s true, I am fat! I feel so low for having deceived you, this is truly a trying period in my life....

“Oh no you don’t......”

But you just said you would carry me when I was troubled.

“For the love of Me, DANG IT, why do I make these promises? CRAP! OK, give me sec......and HEEEEEEEAVE!”

Hey, I like this. It’s nice being carried. Thanks Lord.

“Gad.....oh Myself, did you eat a cow for lunch?! You must have gained 50 pounds from the last time....my feet are going a foot into the sand!”

I’ll let you know when I’m feeling better.

“Keep going with the smart remarks pal and I’ll turn you into a 250 pound salt lick.”

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Leaked Photo of Bush/Abramoff Meeting Seems to Indicate Intimate Friendship


A photo of President Bush and disgraced Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff leaked today seems to hint that the two had a much more intimate relationship than was previously admitted to by White House officials.

The photo was taken during a 2003 vacation the president took at Vice President Cheney’s Wyoming Ranch near the Brokeback mountain range. A spokesman for the president said that that although President Bush met with various fundraisers during that trip but does not specifically remember meeting with Abramoff nor taking long hikes alone with him into the mountains to discuss political favors for campaign contributions.

Forensic photo expert and school class photographer Dale Needlecrate of Maryland said he senses a vague unspoken passion in the photo. “It’s kind of obvious when you see this picture that there is something going on between these two guys, “ said Needlecrate, “I suspect it was that love for illegal fundraising which dare not speak it’s name. You can see that both men are in pain. They are trapped in a society with federal statutes against officials taking bribes so that their true feelings can never be revealed publicly. It’s kind of sad when you think about it.”

President Bush mentioned the photo briefly during his “Let’s Distract America By Discussing Terrorism Tour” in Southplank Kansas. “I really don’t know Jacky Boy...er...I mean this Abramoff guy,” said President Bush. “Look, I meet with so many folks lookin for favors in exchange for money they all kinda blur together after a while. I take tons a photos a day with these folks, we call ‘em “grip-and-grins”, so if there is one of me and Jack-a-diamonds....I mean, Abramoff, no big whoop! Plus, we waited until it was dark and we were alone in the tent with only the endless stars as our witnesses before he gave me that briefcase full of cash!”

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Osama Bin Laden Finds His Non-Capture More Encouraging than Americans’ Doubts about Iraq War


Osama Bin Laden, leader of the Al Qaeda terrorist organization says that his continued freedom after 9/11 has been more encouraging to him personally than doubts expressed by Americans over the Iraq war.

“I know Bush says that lack of support for the war in Iraq hurts his troops morale and encourages us terrorists,” said Bin Laden, “but actually, the fact I’m not in some secret CIA torture prison by now is more of a day brightener for me than his bad poll numbers.”

Speaking from a dank mountain cave along the Afgan-Pakistani border, Bin Laden said he is a little surprised that he still remains free. “Bush seemed so focused on me after the planes I sent took down those towers,” said Bin Laden, “but then he got that Iraq bug up his butt. I’m not complaining, honestly I thought my ass was grass at Tora Bora, but go figure. I could care less how bad things go in Iraq for Bush just as long as he keeps ignoring me. And I should make it to a ripe old age if things continue to heat up in Iran and Syria.”

“Life on the run is not all that much fun,” said Bin Laden, “it seems like, just as you are making one cave your home, you have to move on to the next one. The last spider hole I was in was nice and roomy, I planted some flowers around the secret opening, it looked real nice! But then one of my shit-for-brains lieutenants goes and pisses off the local tribal leader by skimming from his payoffs and we have to move into to this fricking hell hole. I’ve been walking around in bat dung or a week now. Still, when I think of the alternative, having electrodes attached to my scrotum while black op interrogators beat the crap out of me, I shouldn’t complain. I’m free right? I really don’t care how many antiwar protests you Americans hold, as long as I have my freedom, I’ll be one happy terrorist!”

Friday, January 13, 2006

Celebrity Experts Agree: Pitt/Jolie Baby is Going to Make Cruise/Holmes Kid Look Like a Real Uggo


Celebrity experts from across the country feel the baby produced from the union of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie has the potential to be so beautiful, that even the expected child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will look hideous in comparison.

Sally Strathmore, Professor of Celebrity Studies at the Off Ramp Internet College in Kingman, AZ said that it is rare for two of the most attractive people in the world to reproduce. “Usually a guy that good looking is gay,” said Strathmore. “This is kind of a once-in-a century event and at the present time we have no means of measuring beauty of this magnitude. We think it may glow. We were all focused on that Cruise/Holmes kid until we got confirmation that Brad had knocked up Angelina. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Tom and Katie’s child will look OK, but Jesus Christ, we’re talking Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie here! Any other kid is gonna look like Quasimodo compared to their baby!”

“It’s been a rough 12 months for Cruise and now this,” says Dr. Wellman Roth, Director of the Institute of Celebrity Studies and Truck Driver School in Hollywood, CA. “The whole jumping on Oprah’s couch thing and yelling at Matt Lauer, he really didn’t need any more bad news. Look, I’m sure he’ll be a great and supportive father, even when he’s stuck with a kid who’s not nearly as attractive as the Pitt and Jolie’s baby. But he’s gotta be wishing Angelina had never broken up with Billy Bob Thornton. Because he and Katie would have won in that cute baby contest - no problem!”

Lance Dundee author of the Celebrity Stalk column in the Weekly Natterer tabloid said he doubts human beings will be able look directly at the Pitt/Jolie offspring. “It will probably be so beautiful that your retinas will burn or something,” said Dundee, “you’ll need a series of mirrors and a welders helmet to view it. Poor Tom and Katie, I’m sure they planned on three or four People covers with their kid, but this Pitt/Jolie baby is going to force them to hide it now, like it’s a circus sideshow freak. Cruise and Holmes’ only hope is that the Pitt/Jolie kid is so beautiful that it can’t be recorded digitally or on film.”

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Hillary Clinton Says Being the Next Imperial President is Going to be “SA-WEEEET”


New York Democratic Senator and projected 2008 presidential candidate Hilary Clinton says that she can’t wait to become the next imperial president of the United States. “Oh man, I really have to thank Bush and Cheney and all the work they’ve done to give the office of the president such unlimited powers, if I get elected it is going to be sooooo SA-WEEEET!”

Senator Clinton made the comments at the January Women in Politics forum in Washington D.C. “Ladies get ready,” said Clinton,”all our dreams are about to come true, and it will all be thanks to the conservative Republicans! Just think, universal healthcare, quality daycare for working families and lesbian weddings performed in the Rose Garden, Yeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaa! You really have to thank all those Republicans in congress who have spent the last 5 years ceding all their powers to the executive branch, it should make establishing a radical left wing agenda a piece of cake!!”

Senator Clinton also thinks she will have a lot less criticism directed at her than her husband President Bill Clinton experienced. “Jeez, think back to Bill’s last term,” said Senator Clinton, “all these right wing pundits on Fox News nearly had aneurysms over some unpleasantness with a chubby intern. But hell, THEIR guy started a preemptive war with no planning which has cost us brave young lives and untold billions, thinks spying on American citizens is a great idea and couldn’t even break away from vacation to make sure the gulf coast got a proper response after Katrina! Not only do they not criticize him, they think he’s doing a great job! If the bar has lowered that much, I should have smooth sailing for 8 years! And if any of them do get lippy, I’ll just say the policy is important for national security, that should shut them up!”

Senator Clinton said she wishes Bush and Cheney well in their mission to make the presidency even more powerful and secretive in their remaining years in office. “I say go for it boys!” said Clinton. “Really, it’s like they’re working for me now. The more power they consolidate, the more I’ll have my first day! I’ll probably be able to have drugs and prostitution legalized by the time my first inaugural ball starts. Or at least get construction started on those nationwide federally funded drive-thru abortion clinics we liberals have always had our hearts set on!”