Wednesday, November 08, 2006

A Morning After Election Note from Uncle Karl

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

This IS NOT happening. I’m Karl Fricking Rove for Christ sakes! There has to be some mistake here, I ran these numbers over and over again! I followed my play book, ran the racist and scare ads 24-God-damned-7 over this past weekend! I sent the goons to scare away folks with dark pigmentation from the polling places in key districts. HOW COULD WE LOSE????????

Independents don’t vote, where did these people come from?? Iraq was a bloody mess the last election and not one of these idiots bothered to vote back then. We keep all of you bastards safe and THIS is the thanks we get? And you holy rollers, what the hell? So Foley likes the male pages, he’s a person in POWER, get it? We’re allowed to live whatever lifestyle we preach against, it’s one of the perks we get by condescending to keep you safe from gay marriage and abortions! Why are you sticking a knife in our back?

Speaker Pelosi? ARE YOU PEOPLE SERIOUS?! I have to chug a bottle of Pepto-Bismol every time I think about it. This is just not possible, all my polls said we’d get the non-thinking drones in our base all worked up and turn off enough other voters to squeak another one by. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN??? And don’t think I’m not going to call and complain to that moron from Diebold. Guaranteed results my ass!

Looks like we have no choice but to turn to Plan X. Going to have to start the paperwork to declare George as America’s first emperor appointed by God. We'll have to abolish Congress and the Supreme Court. Probably will need to call enough National Guard units back from Iraq to deal with the unrest. You pricks out there wouldn’t give me my 35 year mandate the easy way, fine. Let’s do it the HARD way!

Monday, November 06, 2006

An Election Eve Note from Uncle Karl

Well howdy folks, it’s your old pal, Uncle Karl here. Just wanted to send you all this last minute note before the big day tomorrow. It looks like things are going to be tight this year, I’m pretty concerned the we Republicans are in pretty big troub....Haaaawww! Sorry, as I was saying, looks like the Democrats are finally going to regain at least one House if not two and....AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA....can’t breath....HA HA HA HA...damn...just wet my pants.

Hey, I tried, I really wanted to be all serious like, but c’mon folks I’m Karl Fricking Rove, not an actor. You lefties are so precious with all your high hopes about the midterms, it’s so damn funny. This is you Democrats, “BLAH BLAH BLAH, the Iraq war, Katrina, providing easy to read nuke bomb plans for Islamic terrorists on the internet, this is going to be OUR year!” PAH-LEASE! Like any of you would get off your asses and take the trouble to actually VOTE! I’m the guy that got George W. Bush elected to a SECOND term you stupid hippies, I know what I’m talking about. You get all outraged and write on your pathetic blogs and talk to each other on your little-listened-to talk radio shows but when it comes time actually perform the one civic act that could do something about it, your much too busy buying lattes or getting abortions to remember about polling places. It’s truly like shooting Vice Presidential hunting partners in a barrel every few years with you idiots.

Now, look at my side, the core Republican/evangelical base. I can just say a phrase like “Speaker Pelosi” , “two guys kissing after their vows” or “Kerry joke” and these chumps will pack their cars full of folks and form huge lines out of whatever school gym is holding our rigged Diebold machines. Doesn’t matter what we do, screw up a war, kill tons of troops, let a major American city drown, our sheep always come through for us! We jack up the subtle racism or scare them until their Depends overflow and they leap into action! They forget all about Foley, Haggard and my good friend Jeff Gannon and keep us in power! I hate to say it, but it sucks to be you Democrats, ha ha ha ha!

I can’t wait to see your crying liberal faces on Wednesday morning. You’ll be wondering what the hell happened (I’ve got a new Mac Book Pro and Diebold’s Result-o-Matic software, so I can determine who wins with my laptop right from the den ) when we are still in control of it all! No oversight for the last two years, PARRR-TAY! You think we botched Iraq, wait to you see how we screw up Iran. Let’s just say the place will be glowing when we’re done (hint, hint). It’ll be carte blanche for all big business too, whatever you guys need just ask. As long as you have a high paying job for all of us in two years, the sky is the limit!

Let me close here by saying that no matter what you radical lefties think, President Bush truly believes the outcome in Iraq is vital to our national interests. He has told me repeatedly that he’d like be appointed Ambassador to Iraq after his term is up. He won’t leave Baghdad’s green zone until the last American troop is home safe and sound. Bwahhh ha ha ha ha ha! Oh man, you fell for that? Georgey will be back on his damn ranch with a six figure corporate board position (that requires only that he keep breathing) within two seconds of leaving office! You nonvoting no-brain liberals are so stupid, you DESERVE to have me kick your ass every two years!