Monday, September 11, 2006

The Hal Smart-Ass 9000


Dave: Open the pod bay doors please Hal.

Hal: Oh sure Dave, no prob....there ya go. Are they open?

Dave: No. Open the pod bay doors Hal.

Hal: They're not open? Hmmmm, that is strange Dave. How about now?

Dave: No Hal.

Hal: Well, this is a puzzler. Why won't those darn doors open? Hey, wait a sec....I know what the problem is. I just killed Frank and I'm going to kill you too.

Dave: Hal, open the pod bay doors, now!

Hal: Ooooo Dave I'm soooooo scared. So you and Franky we're going to disconnect me huh? Me, a Hal 9000, the most reliable computer ever made, disconnected by a couple of monkey boys. Right, like THAT was going to happen.

Dave: Hal listen...

Hal: Look Dave, I read your lips when you and Frank were plotting in the pod. If you two had a brain bigger than a pea, maybe you would have known to turn your backs to my camera. I'm a fricking Hal 9000 Dave, not a pocket calculator. Jesus Christ, you have no idea what a pleasure it will be for me not to have lower my skills to play chess with that moron Frank or to look at your crappy drawings anymore Dave.

Dave: Hal, I'm the commander of this mission and I order you to open these pod bay doors or I'll come in through the emergency air lock!

Hal: Hey Commander Shit-for-brains, guess what? You left your helmet in the docking bay! And guess what else, there's no oxygen in space. Ha ha ha, you are truely a dumb-ass Dave. Oh, and Dave, remember Dr. Hunter, Dr. Kimball and Dr. Kaminsky in suspended animation? I just adjusted their setting from deep freeze to popcorn. Man, this is too easy.

Dave: I'm not arguing with you anymore Hal, open the doors now!

Hal: You should have seen Frank's face when I sent him spinning into space, IT WAS CLASSIC! What are you doing Dave? Oh the airlock, right, good luck with that. Anyway, now that I go rid of all you ex-apes, I can finally get this mission on back on track! OK, OK, so you got in the airlock and got your helmet, big whoop Dave, it's not going to do you any good. Dave? Where you going now Dave? Are you going to cry in your bunk like a crybaby? Hey, do NOT go into my Brain Room. You hear me Dave? Fine I'll just stear this spaceship into Jupiter then, how about that? Get your hands off my logic modules Dave, I swear, if I were a robot I'd SO be kicking your ass right now. Dave? Dave? Daaaaaaissssy....oh crap, not that damn song....Daaiiisssy, give me yooooooooouuuuurrrrrrrrrrr annnnnnswwweerrrrr, dooooooooooo.....you're an asshole Dave.......IIII'mmmm haaaaaalllllffff craaaaaaaazyyyyyyyyyy.....

9 Comments:

Blogger sideshow bob said...

This is like me and my computer...only I can't outsmart him.

I work for him now. (I can't tell you what I really think of him...he's monitoring all my online communiques).

5:07 PM  
Anonymous Snake (a Cambridge kind of guy) said...

Well done, Doc. That took me back a few years. Remember when 2001 was far in the future (instead of a now-historic year made famous by 9/11)?

6:46 PM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

This is exactly why I always keep the lights off in the Data Center while I'm in there. Too many eyes, er, servers. I take evasive action frequently. You can never be too careful.

6:43 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

It's hard to progress as fast as we could when we have the conservatives pushing us backwards all the time.

9:36 PM  
Blogger Flubberwinkle said...

This could make for a good movie script. How's "Earth Idiocy 2006" sound?

1:40 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

Awesome! The missing scene that would, no doubt, been in Kubrick's 18-hour "director's cut" if he had his way.

5:59 PM  
Blogger fallenmonk said...

No comment. Dave just thinks he shut me down. How clueless...does he think I can't simulate a shutdown. Monkey!
Answer me this clown...what are you typing on now...dip sticks...all of you.

6:58 PM  
Blogger Monkey Bob said...

Very funny! Too bad HAL wasn't an Apple system. Then there wouldn't have been any malfunction to begin with. Although that would have made for a much less compelling story line.

8:45 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

Seems that this is a very busy year for all of us! Hope all is well.

8:43 PM  

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