Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Administration Continues to Downplay Threat of North Korea, Even After Seattle Vaporized

Bush Administration officials today continued to downplay the threat of North Korean long range Taepodong-2 nuclear missiles, even after one apparently vaporized the city of Seattle in Washington State. Administration press secretary Tony Snow characterized the destruction of the Northwest port city as “sad, but really, have any great bands come out of there since Nirvana?”

In an apparent attempt at damage control Snow continued, “Look, this is a new dangerous age, I imagine every administration from here on out has to expect to lose a few American cities. Instead of this cheap Democratic partisan whining about New York on September 11th, New Orleans after Katrina and now Seattle, let’s try to remember the overwhelming number of cities in this country that are still standing!”

Snow said that actually having nuclear weapons and the means to deliver them to the continental United States still does not make North Korea more of a threat than Iraq. “Take away his insanity and the starvation of his people and it’s hard to stay mad at Kim Jong Il, I mean he’s like a cute, chubby kewpie doll. Saddam on the other hand has that beard and those eyebrows, we had no choice but to go to war against a guy who looks like that.”

“What did we really lose here,” said Snow, “with all the rain they had out there how many folks really planned vacations to Seattle? Yeah, great, the Space Needle, whoopee, the sixties ended a long time ago. I mean thanks for all the Starbucks, but I think it’s time to move on!”

Snow said the administration is confident that the missile defense system will be able to be fine tuned before any more west coast cities are destroyed. “The Pentagon has assured us that they’ll have all the kinks worked out before Los Angeles gets it,” said Snow. “We’d love nothing better than to nuke North Korea until it glows right now, but we don’t want China getting pissed off at us about the drifting fallout with all our resources in the Middle East. Actually the Pentagon is looking forward to these live tests of their Star Wars program. It’s possible we’ll lose Portland and San Francisco in the process but with all the liberals and gays in those cities, the President is confident their disappearance won’t effect the midterms.”

5 Comments:

Anonymous Snake (a Cambridge kind of guy) said...

I think Snow is right, in which case Rumsfeld is right too: The road to democracy is never smooth.

6:41 AM  
Blogger fallenmonk said...

I must say I was convinced it would have been Vancouver that got hit first but thinking about there are a lot of Chinese there. I can imagine it is probably pretty safe but after L.A. watch out.
You can't make and omlet with breaking some eggs and all that. Eh!

6:43 PM  
Blogger sideshow bob said...

Damn it! I was planning on visiting Seattle!

Is this really all just part of a strategy to keep the House conservative? If you can't beat 'em, invite a radioactive holocaust on 'em?

12:44 PM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

Um, what about Microsoft? Doesn't Bill Gates have any say about which cities in the Pacific Northwest get nuked?

10:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

zardoz says:

seattle huh doc ,,

not a bad choice


maybe we can bomb them back with pancakes and 300 zillion tons of maple syrup

that create a sticky situation................=z=

11:15 PM  

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