Monday, May 22, 2006

Queen Elizabeth Opens Monarchy to Sponsors

Queen Elizabeth II announced today that she is opening the monarchy of the British Commonwealth to commercial sponsorship. “We hold a special place in the hearts and minds of the millions of citizens in the Commonwealth of Nations, “ said Queen Elizabeth, “now, imagine your company’s logo with a prime location on my sash! We would suggest one makes reservations today as prominent signage is going fast!

With questions rising in England and the Commonwealth regarding the legitimacy of the monarchy in the modern age, experts believe Queen Elizabeth decided to accept advertising to help offset the costs of maintaining it’s existence. Reginald Smythe-Jones, royal watcher for the London Sun-Herald says the Queen may be recognizing the need for her and her family to transform from monarchs to mascots. “This announcement along with the recent unveiling of ‘The Realm’ theme park on the grounds of Buckingham Palace really shows the royal family is ready to leverage their high visibility for some major coin,” said Smythe-Jones. “After all, somebody has got to keep those bloody Pembroke Welsh Corgis in kibble.”

Along with ad space on royal gowns, ceremonial uniforms and the royal carriage, Queen Elizabeth said she will open bidding for the naming rights of Balmoral Castle. “If one has the financial wherewithal, one can even purchase our premium title inclusion package,” said Queen Elizabeth. “For example, Prince Charles’ formal title could be changed to Prince of Wales as Presented by Sky Television. One sees a real synergy here for advertisers and our royal personages.”

“One must move on with the times,” said Queen Elizabeth, “we understand some of our subjects have not been all that pleased with our behavior of late. While one could of course justify our affairs, divorces and dressing in Nazi uniforms as the reasonable result of selective inbreeding, we choose to be more constructive and find a profitable way to justify our existence. We know that most of our subjects will always appreciate the history and the tradition of the royal family to the Commonwealth, just as they appreciate the reviving taste of PG tips tea. One asks you to look for the new Royal Edition tins of PG’s pyramid freeflow bags at a Tesco, Morrisons or Sainsbury’s near you. We all need a PG moment!”


Blogger Flubberwinkle said...

Maybe they can add flashy neon signs on top of Buckingham Palace and in the "front yard" too.

Loved the photo of the Queen (God save her).

12:49 AM  
Blogger Isaac Carmichael said...

I think Sinn Fein should take out an ad...

1:04 PM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

Too funny!

9:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Talk about product placement. I'd like a piece of that real estate--the front of her dress, I mean.

7:48 PM  
Blogger fallenmonk said...

This is too good and sorry to say I can think of a scenario where it will be the reality. Already in the UK many historically royal sponsored events are now the provence of commercial sponsors. At such venues it is not unusual to see the adverts comingled with Royal.
This is a hoot and someday soon a reality.

7:32 PM  
Blogger british republic said...

How about if they just opened up Bucks Palace a bit more? 300k visitors per year is a paltry number for a big tourist attraction.

Instead of using her "50 years of wisdom" to open fetes, maybe Queenie could even give guided tours.

"And this painting is of one of my ancestors... but we don't really talk about him. H-hum. And this is a picture of my former daughter-in-law, Diana, but we don't really talk about her either. Ah, here's my grandson Harry - he's in the army you know. He's doing so well - I'm told he's even been in the national newspapers showing off his war uniforms."

7:28 AM  

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