Monday, May 01, 2006

New Study Says Antioxidants May Not Provide As Many Health Benefits As First Thought.....Wait, Yes They Do....Strike That, No They Don’t....Wait....

An article in the Overlake College Of Medicine says that increasing antioxidants in a diet may not offer as many health benefits for an individual as preliminary studies had indicated. Antioxidants, found in most fruits and vegetables were thought to play a role in fighting cancer, preventing aging and lowering cholesterol. Antioxidants bind with free oxygen radicals in the body and were believed to prevent damage to healthy cells. “This new study conclusively shows that increasing antioxidant intake probably has little to no effect for most people,” said Dr. Steven Crimphouse, director of the four year study, “so unless you like the taste, just stop eating fruits and vegetables.”

“Hold the phone,” said Dr. Crimphouse, “our even newer study says that antioxidants are very beneficial! Why the hell did you stop eating fruits and vegetables?! Are you trying to kill yourself or something? Jesus Christ, what kind of idiot would stop trying to increase the levels of antioxidants in their body? Have you seen these latest figures? They show that antioxidants are the key to eternal life and in helping those with male pattern baldness regrow hair!!! Stop reading this article right now, you tub-of-lard, and get your fat ass down to Albertsons and buy as many fruits and vegetables as you can get your hands on. Hurry, your life may depend on it!”

“Wait, forget what I just said, my bad, “said Dr. Crimphouse,”these new, newer figures show antioxidants can kill you! Get that damn carrot out of your mouth for God’s sake! Good Lord, don’t tell me you gave your kids apples and broccoli! I swear, I’m gonna call child services on you! These antioxidants are like rat poison you bastard! Why do we even bother doing these studies when dumb shits like you don’t follow any of our suggestions? Get a hazmat team to your house now and have them remove any trace of fruits and vegetables or you are going to die in a day or two, do you hear me?“

“Now what are you doing,” continued Dr. Crimphouse, “where are you taking all those fruits and vegetables? These super, newer, new figures show antioxidants are vital to all life on this planet, are you mad? It’s right here in the data, antioxidants prevent all disease and will give you x-ray vision and the ability to fly! Y’know the hell with you, if you’re so addicted to your Big Macs and take-out pizza and you can’t eat a measly orange or some celery once and while, I give up! It would be a lot easier if you just put a gun to your head y’know! I don’t even know why I became a research physician in the first place, it’s like you’re not even listening to me anymore!”


Blogger Isaac Carmichael said...

I stay away from brussel sprouts...just to be safe.

12:59 PM  
Blogger fallenmonk said...

Antioxidants are OK if you balance your diet with enough preservatives like Sodium EDTA and sodium benzoate. Like anything the key is moderation. If you think about it as long as you balance your free radicals with enslaved ones there is no worry. Foods high in enslaved radicals are Little Debbie Oatmeal Cakes, Ding Dongs, Twinkies and Fritos, just to name a few.

3:00 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

I thought oxygen was good for you.

5:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now I'm confused. I used to think antioxidants were good for you, except for the harmful side effects that can, at times, outweigh the benefits. Now I don't know what to think.

7:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

zardoaz says:

ok ,,,, ice cream

and milk shakes,,,ok..?




10:44 PM  
Blogger Flubberwinkle said...

Getting absorbed into reading this post and obeying Dr. Crimphouse's commands while eating a banana can be a little obscene.

3:14 AM  

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