Monday, May 15, 2006

Lincoln Says When George W. Bush Gets to Heaven He’s Going to Kick His Ass


Abraham Lincoln, former president of the United States has sent word from heaven that when George W. Bush arrives, he’s going to kick his ass. “Seriously, I hope President Bush has a long and happy retirement once he leaves office,” said President Lincoln. “But I would suggest he spends most of that time learning self defense because, I swear, once he walks through those Pearly Gates, Honest Abe is gonna be all up in his grill!”

“I mean, c’mon, what the hell does that idiot think I saved the Union for,” said the deceased 16th President, “so he and Cheney could destroy the Constitution? God damn but that guy pisses me off! George Washington keeps telling me to settle down, to be dignified when he arrives, to have respect for a fellow office holder. Screw that noise, I’m gonna be on him like crazy on my wife. I’m just gonna let a haymaker fly when he holds out his hand for me to shake! I can’t wait to see his surprised look when the Great Emancipator brings it on, hee hee!”

“I’m not the only one around here that wants to pound the smirk off that little no-brain’s face, “ said Lincoln, “Jefferson is fit to be tied! We were talking the other day and Tom doubts the guy has ever read an actual book. Anyone with a minimal understanding of US history would comprehend the whole point of the American Revolution was to establish a democracy run by we the people, with a clear separation of church and state! So here comes W. ready to trash all that so he can become king of a new American theocracy! Jefferson said he’d hold Bush’s arms back for me if I wanted.”

“Ted Roosevelt also says he’s ready to throwdown along side of me whenever I give the word,” said Lincoln. “Ted’s big achievements as president were in conservation of the wilderness and the regulation of large corporations. Thanks to Bushy Jr., there’s not a wildlife refuge safe from pipelines and frickin' monopolies are back in fashion. Teddy says he’ll be happy to quietly discuss his differences with 42, and, if he gets any lip, introduce him to a big stick.”

“Look, I know I looked pretty skinny back when I was on earth, but I've been working out for 141 years now,” said Lincoln. “Let’s just say the Rail Splitter’s got some nice sized guns and their aching to do a little business! Tell Georgy that heaven ain’t like his National Guard service, daddy can’t fix things for him up here. No, I’d suggest that when he sees a stovepipe hat coming at him through the heavenly mists, he either get his fists ready for fighting or his feet ready for running. I don’t appreciate folks who disgrace the office I loved and respected, just ask Nixon. Mr. Watergate still flinches every time he sees me.”

9 Comments:

Anonymous Snake said...

I'd love to see Honest Abe kick his ass. But is W actually gonna end up in the same place as Lincoln? That's the biggest question in this scenario.

7:28 PM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

Snake, I had the same thought then realized that all the born-again Christians are guaranteed a spot in Heaven.

11:50 PM  
Blogger Flubberwinkle said...

Here, here forefathers! Maybe Ben Franklin will use W in 'unsuccessful' experimental contraptions. Sort of like torturing devices... but I'm getting carried away. *slap* Reality check.

12:56 AM  
Blogger fallenmonk said...

Good concept Doc. Too bad Bush and Cheney have already bought their tickets to an alternative afterlife. Seems a shame though that the founding fathers won't get a shot at correcting George's outlook.

9:21 AM  
Blogger Grace said...

Old Roses: Dubya is not a born-again Christian. At best, he's a born-again used car salesman.

11:36 AM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

Sad to say, Lincoln, that you will never get your chance because there is NO WAY Dubya is going to get to heaven.

BTW- I have never heard anyone but a Northern Wisconsinite use the term "screw that noise". Good stuff! I feel all warm and fuzzy now.

2:49 PM  
Anonymous Snake (a Cambridge kind of guy) said...

FYI, Doc, you still crack the top 100 "Most Popular" on Blogarama (just barely), beating out "junkiewhore" by a hair. Well done!

6:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ZARDOZ SAYS :



how about we take of
bushy down here
i think LINCOLN
MADE THAT CLEAR
IN THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS.

YEA ............


LETS......

9:48 PM  
Blogger MacHeadCase said...

Oh lordy! I have so much fun catching up to do here. Been busy with swarms of spambots, upgrading the blog software, trying out plugins that are compatible, signing up for school, etc. *Phew*

I promise I'll catch up this week. Plenty of your entries look most appetizing, Dr Max!

7:39 AM  

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