Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Gates Concerned That Microsoft’s Animated Movies Never Do as Well as Pixar’s

Bill Gates, chairman of Microsoft Corporation, voiced concern today that his animated film division has never equaled the success of Steve Job’s Pixar Studios. Microsoft's little known film division, called MS Spockets XP, has never had a breakout hit like Pixar’s The Incredibles or Finding Nemo. “We had high hopes for The Magic License when we released it this past April but it just tanked,” said Gates. “It was about some kids who defeat an evil wizard who is making illegal copies of Windows XP. This Magic Users License gives the kids the power to report the wizard to the Federal Trade Commission. I really can’t figure out why the film didn’t do well, to me it was a heartwarming tale of how each copy of Windows you use needs to have a valid users license, and the serious fines and criminal penalties you can face if you don’t have one. I guess we didn’t put in enough songs.”

Another Microsoft animated feature that failed was 2003’s Office! “Yeah, Office! did even worse at the box office than The Magic License,” Gates said. “We tried to leverage the popularity of our Talking Paper Clip and created a story about how Clippy helps an elderly toy maker, Mr. McGonkle, save his workshop with the help of Microsoft Office Small Business Edition 2003. I’ll admit, it was probably a mistake to render a whole film in PowerPoint, a lot of parents said it felt less like a movie and more like a sales presentation. Granted, it may not have been a Toy Story, but I thought it had a real emotional pull, and taught some important life lessons about how Office is the complete business solution to streamline communication and increase sales.”

“Our next release is going to be in vein of The Chronicles of Narnia, “ said Gates, “we call it The Windows of Vista and I think we’ll finally have that hit we’ve been looking for! It follows a group of children sent to an alternate dimension to get a magical code which will save the world, called The Windows of Vista. Steve Ballmer is directing and we’ll be combining some live action child actors with some awesome animated GIFs we made in FrontPage. This baby is going to put Cars to shame! You’ll have to be patient however, we’ve had to delay the release a few times, our rendering servers keep crashing because of viruses and spyware. When we ran the dailies of our special effects a few days ago all they were all just static shots of the blue screen of death. Also, Ballmer keeps yelling at the child actors and making them cry. But look for The Windows of Vista in theaters near you by the end of the year, or in 2007. Maybe 2009. 2012 tops!”


Blogger Flubberwinkle said...

Microsoft's blue screens were the inspiration for Hollywood's special effects developers. Take this software and make it do things it CAN'T actually do, but will look like it does...
Remember Microsoft's motto "Where do you want to go today?" I want to go to open-source software, Mr.Gates. And the movies didn't do too good because you STILL have Clippy? No new little characters in the help mode? Tsk, tsk, even Mickey Mouse got a make-over...

7:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me know when it's out on DVD. I'm so there.

12:07 PM  
Blogger fallenmonk said...

Hey Doc, you shouldn't pick on Uncle Bill. Unless your world is totally Apple bad things can happen to people who aren't nice to Uncle Bill.

9:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

doc you are great,,
if you were in
politics even better

prez ?? run ..please

11:38 PM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

I hate that paperclip! As soon as they introduced it, I figured out how to assassinate it, I mean remove it.

8:57 PM  
Blogger Isaac Carmichael said...

I hate that paperclip, and his little dog, too!

I'd like to unbend him and use him to clean gunk out of stuff!

9:02 PM  

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