Monday, April 10, 2006

Satan Says It's Time to Give Hell a Makeover


Satan, the dark lord of the underworld, says it’s time to remodel hell. “Fire and brimstone are so middle ages,” said the fallen angel Monday, “I want to make over the entire realm from top to bottom. Not only is this cave-stalagmite look passé’, the bills to maintain the oceans of eternal hellfire are killing me.”

The Devil says he is using various designers who have been damned to come up with some new ideas for hell. “I tell you I didn’t think I’d enjoy this process when one of my demon minions first suggested it,” said Beelzebub, “but going over the sketches has really been a treat for me! I can’t wait to get the contractors in here and start busting up the place! I want to bring hell into the 21st century, to come up with a new look that will really bring that feeling of soulessness to those doomed to exist here forever!”

Lucifer said he has three finalist for hell’s new look. “First, we may just make the place look like a typical Chuck E. Cheese, “ said Mephistopheles, “any parent who has had to go to a kids birthday party there will understand why I like this concept. From the loud arcade games, the screaming kids, the lousy pizza and the robot stage shows that always feature one broken animatronic creature, it turns any afternoon into an eternity. I’m also pretty excited by the State Drivers License Office concept. We’d have the whole thing, the ticket number dispenser, the left over 1960 government office chairs and the living dead employees. What will be really great is your number will never be called, the display board will always show the number just before yours, ha ha, you’ll be trapped in the renewal line forever! The last concept we’re mulling over is transforming hell into a 24-7 customer service center. Think of it, office cubes as far as the eye can see where our denizens would be forced to spend the rest of eternity answering and logging complaint calls about malfunctioning toasters and software! This would be a real win-win for us, we can’t think of a better way to torture all the lost souls here and we could probably beat any price charged by those new call centers in India!”

2 Comments:

Blogger OldRoses said...

Nix the call center idea unless you are going to use non-English speakers. The worst thing about the Indian call centers is that no one can understand a word they say!

9:20 PM  
Anonymous Snake (a Cambridge kind of guy) said...

I still haven't been to that Cheese establishment to which you refer. Now I know what to expect when I do.

8:14 PM  

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