Thursday, April 27, 2006

Excessive Cash Pressure Causes Explosion at Oil Company Headquarters

Hey folks, lazy Dr. Max here. Went to the well today to get a post from That One Blog's past. Please re-enjoy this entry from last August.

Officials believe excessive cash pressure in a vault at Tentacucorp Energy headquarters in Houston caused a massive explosion of currency there today. They believe the leak in the vault caused a rupture which engulfed the building in ten and twenty dollar bills.

Holister Pendrake, spokesman for Tentacucorp Energy said, “Well thank God no one was hurt. We had accountants inside the vault just before the explosion. Luckily they had all left to refill their wheelbarrows after the 4 o’clock cash delivery . With gas prices averaging almost $3.00 a gallon in most U.S. locations, our vaults are straining from legal tender buildup. I guess it was a matter of time before one of them blew!”

Tucker Handly, a lead accountant at the Tentacucorp facility, was near the vault when it exploded. “I’ll never forget it,” said Handly, “there was a muffled bang and before I knew it, I was under four feet of bills. I tried to breath in, but my mouth kept filling with fives. I could feel blood from some paper cuts and started to panic when suddenly I heard someone calling out. I reached out and there was Phil Leeds, another accountant who worked the vault. He was having a hard time hearing due to a fifty that had lodged in his ear. We made our way through a greenish twilight of falling cash until we started to see some blue sky. I’m still a little shaky...and I think I still have about $36 bucks in my underwear.”

Pendrake said that Tentacucorp will be reviewing the technical specs of all their vaults. “Let me tell you, being flush with cash has it’s downsides," said Pendrake. “We see the price per barrel continuing to go up, it will probably hit eighty dollars soon. Couple that with our recent tax breaks from Bush and the Republican congress and we’re not sure science can build a structure strong enough to hold such huge wads of cash. We’ve off loaded as much money as possible, we’re using a lot of the cash bricks for cube dividers in our offices now, but the inflow is still too much. Our only hope is that these prices cause a devastating economic depression. That would give us a breather and we would finally have time to reduce our reserves the old fashioned way, through campaign contributions, obscene CEO payouts and embezzlement!”

Monday, April 24, 2006

Psychologist Says Gas Prices Helping American Male Learn It’s OK to Cry

A leading expert in the field of the emotional life of men says that rising gas prices are teaching males in the USA that it’s OK to cry. Dr. Wesley Felchrind of the UCLA Psychology and Bartending School Annex says he hasn’t seen anything more effective in the last decade in helping the American male to get in touch with his feelings. “It’s as if the three dollar a gallon threshold is the last straw for a lot of men,” said Felchrind, “it causes them to weep like a woman watching a rerun of Beaches.”

Dr. Felchrind says a deep psychological conflict develops when men pump gas today. “Men cannot not logically understand why the same gasoline that cost under two dollars a gallon not long ago, now goes for this exorbitantly ridiculous price,” said Felchrind. “As each gallon goes in they are saying goodbye to a new fishing rod, an extra 12 pack of beer or that Triple Whopper with cheese that they had their hearts set on. It’s not surprising that the tears start to flow.”

“These gas prices have been the source for a true emotional breakthrough for a lot of men,” said Dr. Felchrind, “it's been even more successful than that whole Iron John movement from a few years back. Very few men felt comfortable getting into a loincloth and participating in those wilderness weekends, but nearly every man has to pump gas. These prices aid them in reaching the same emotional state without having to put up with all the drumming and poetry.”

Dr. Felchrind said he reassures his patients that they are not the only ones reduced to sobbing at the gas pump. “One patient told me that as he started crying while filling up his S.U.V. a trucker came over to him from the diesel lanes,” said Dr. Felchrind. “His first thought was that the trucker was going jeer or ridicule him. Much to his surprise though, the trucker just reached over and hugged him. He said they just held each other and wept as their their pump totals climbed to fifty dollars and beyond. I think the fact two men who don’t know each other could do something like that really shows the impact gas prices are having. It’s allowing men to explore the aspects of themselves that they would have previously considered really, really gay.”

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Decider and The Defencer

President Bush: Hi RummyTumTum, c’mon in, take a seat. I just wanted a chance to chat with you before we do the big reorg around here. Wanted to reassure you that you have your president’s full support, no need to pack up the stapler and Post-it notes.

Secretary Rumsfeld: Thank you Mr. President, that’s nice to hear. It’s been a rough couple of weeks.

President Bush: Are you talkin’ about all them retired generals and their whining? Let me tell you something Donster, I am the decider around here, me! I do all the governmental decisiony stuff, not a bunch jerks with rusted stars on their coats. In fact around here I'm, like, Super McDecidey Man, because of all the decisioning that needs to get done! I outrank all Army guys, it’s in the Constitution! And it doesn't matter if I finished my National Guard service or not!

Secretary Rumsfeld: Well actually, I should have expected all this. If one is attacking a bureaucracy one has to expect a little flack. All these generals think they know so much just because they've actually been in combat. They fail to see the big picture like you and I do Mr. President. They keep going back to the safety of their outmoded military concepts like, using overwhelming troop strength, not torturing our prisoners, and getting accurate intelligence before starting a war. I’m more of a War 2.0 kind of guy. My hope is that we can eliminate all of this wasteful Pentagon structure, so you, me and a handful of trusted military advisors can conduct all future conflicts from some sites we set up on MySpace.

President Bush: Maybe I should arrest all them generals and send ‘em down to Gitmo. I can do that too, everything I decide to do is legal! Dick says so! It’s like them retired generals are planing a Coup De Ville!

Secretary Rumsfeld: I think you mean coup d’etat sir. I don’t think that’s necessary Mr. President I....

President Bush: How ‘bout if I wire tap ‘em? Roberto says I can authorize myself to give myself permission to do that! Are any of their wives in the C.I.A.? ‘Cause, trust me, I got no problems telling someone to leak their identities!

Secretary Rumsfeld: Don't put yourself out sir. I’m sure this will all die down when things pick up for us in Iraq. Once we get this new Iraqi government on it’s feet, we'll be able to nip this civil war in the bud. Which will be nice, because dropping those nukes on Iran is going to need our full attention.

President Bush: Now remember Don-Don, I got vacation days coming up at the ranch. That’s MY time pal, if New Orleans going under water didn’t interfere with it last year, World War III is not going change it this year! When you are the Decider-In-Chief, you need a break once in a while!

Secretary Rumsfeld: Not to worry sir, I’ll take care of everything. My crack group of Neocon advisors assure me this is going to go much smoother than Iraq. Once we drop multiple nuclear warheads around Iran, I’m sure America will be seen in a whole new light in the Islamic world! Those citizens not horribly mutated by the fallout will greet us as liberators with flowers and parades!

President Bush: See? That’s why your my kinda Defense Secretary Rummy! Guess what? I gotta a surprise for ya pal. Since we both know how much these media folks are lying about Iraq, and since we’ll need you close to the action for this Iran deal, I’m assigning you to the Green Zone!

Secretary Rumsfeld: Ahhhhh.....your assigning me to Iraq, Mr. President?

President Bush: That’s right buddy, you can accompany the troops as they rebuild those schools and stuff, it’s just the kind of P.R. we need over there! Everyone will see it’s not all I.E.D.’s and sectarian violence!

Secretary Rumsfeld: Y’know sir, now that I think about it, those retired generals have a point. Could I borrow a blank sheet of paper? I need to write a resignation letter.

President Bush: Don’t worry Don, I’d just rip it up, like I said no one is going to tell me who my Defense Secretary is going to be! You’ve been loyal to me, so I’m going to be loyal to you, enjoy your flight buddy!

Secretary Rumsfeld: No, wait! Please sir, it’s OK to fire me, I really suck at my job! I’m begging you sir!!!

President Bush: Ha ha, get out of here you big kidder, these guys will escort you to the helicopter. Let me know when we’ve established democracy throughout the Middle East OK? Bye, Donhiemer! Great guy, can you pick ‘em George W., or can you pick ‘em!

Saturday, April 15, 2006

That One Blog Is One

Yup, just 365 days ago, a thoroughly confused Dr. Max ventured into Blogger and created this post....

Well, hi there! My name is Dr. Max. What's yours? Uh huh...golly, that's a swell name. Welcome to my little clubhouse here on the internet. I hope you'll join me each day for some fun, cartoons and a whole bunch of blather. Say, if you enjoy your visit why not tell your friends to stop on by? Would you do that now? Hey, thanks a bunch!

...and That One Blog was born. I made sure I started on a day where I could get the most traffic, I mean it’s not like people have any important tasks or deadlines on April 15th. Am I right?

A year of blogging. For some reason when I started I thought I should do new post every day. And up until October of last year I pretty much stuck to that self imposed deadline. Well, one trip to China and a new toddler later, we can pretty much stick a fork, knife and spoon in that schedule. I’ve tried folks really I have, but you’d have to meet my daughter, she is always on the go and wants Dad to be with her. I’ve thought of doing more quick posts during the week but I’m not sure what would be entertaining about a hundred entries that all read the same thing: “ very, so tired.....have I mentioned that I’m tired?”

So what has a year of blogging taught me? 1. I enjoy writing. I wasn’t sure I would when I started, but the process of seeing if I could do it has been fun. Mind you, I make absolutely no claims about the quality of my posts, but it has been enjoyable to create them. 2. If you are going to start a blog, YOU DON’T HAVE TO INCLUDE A DAMN PICTURE WITH IT EVERYDAY! I envy all you text only bloggers, when you are done typing you can upload and go to bed. Jesus Christ, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. Sometimes my lame graphics take more time than my lame posts. 3. A humorous blog that tries to point out the absurdity of modern day life and politics is nice, but the big bucks are in sites with pictures of naked people.

Thank you all for stopping by throughout the year. Thanks to those who have taken the time to comment, I always appreciate the feedback. A very special thanks to my friends on the Prescribed Links: Sylvana of Syllogism, Steve of Call Me Snake, Sideshow Bob of It All Comes Back To The Simpsons, Old Roses of Things I Wonder About, Herge of Angry Chimp, T.C. of Hattie’s Blog, Grace of Scriptoids, Fallenmonk of Fallenmonk and MacHeadCase of MHC-in-the-box. Please visit their fine sites, they are all wonderful bloggers who have shown That One Blog a great deal of kindness and attention over this past year.

So another year begins for That One Blog and Dr. Max. I hope you will all stay tuned. And have I mentioned that I’m tired?

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Time Traveling Scientists Say Future Historians Agree: Bush Sucked

Two scientist who took part in a top secret time traveling experiment called the Time Tunnel, report that almost all future historians agree: George W. Bush was this country’s suckiest president. Dr. Tony Newman and Dr. Doug Phillips have traveled to the future through a laser-actuated Time Tunnel buried deep below the desert in Arizona. “What’s amazing is, even historians millions of years in the future think Bush sucked,” said Dr. Newman, “which is almost as weird as their squid-like appearance.”

“Bush has said repeatedly that he believes his presidency and policies will ultimately be judged favorably in the long run by future historians” said Dr. Phillips, “well, Tony and I can tell you, he’s about as popular with them as Millard Fillmore is with us. Bush’s war in Iraq, his environmental policies, leaking classified material for political purposes, the Hurricane Katrina response all make him score low with most future historians. Bush’s record is so bad he gets lower marks than Kabartron 869, the United States’ first robot president from the year 4056. They even take into account Kabartron’s software bugs which caused it to constantly overheat and reboot.”

“We have to be careful what we say about Bush’s final years in office,” said Dr. Newman, “Doug and I could alter history if we say too much. It’s probably best if I don’t mention that the Iranian Nuclear War doesn’t go too well for us and ...CRAP! Sorry, I hope you can you edit that out. Dang, you get to traveling though the centuries and you kind of lose place as to just where and when you’re at. Good thing I didn’t mention Bush’s biggest screw-up, thanks to him the U.S. was woefully unprepared for the Stem Cell Bomb and.....CRAP!”

Monday, April 10, 2006

Satan Says It's Time to Give Hell a Makeover

Satan, the dark lord of the underworld, says it’s time to remodel hell. “Fire and brimstone are so middle ages,” said the fallen angel Monday, “I want to make over the entire realm from top to bottom. Not only is this cave-stalagmite look passé’, the bills to maintain the oceans of eternal hellfire are killing me.”

The Devil says he is using various designers who have been damned to come up with some new ideas for hell. “I tell you I didn’t think I’d enjoy this process when one of my demon minions first suggested it,” said Beelzebub, “but going over the sketches has really been a treat for me! I can’t wait to get the contractors in here and start busting up the place! I want to bring hell into the 21st century, to come up with a new look that will really bring that feeling of soulessness to those doomed to exist here forever!”

Lucifer said he has three finalist for hell’s new look. “First, we may just make the place look like a typical Chuck E. Cheese, “ said Mephistopheles, “any parent who has had to go to a kids birthday party there will understand why I like this concept. From the loud arcade games, the screaming kids, the lousy pizza and the robot stage shows that always feature one broken animatronic creature, it turns any afternoon into an eternity. I’m also pretty excited by the State Drivers License Office concept. We’d have the whole thing, the ticket number dispenser, the left over 1960 government office chairs and the living dead employees. What will be really great is your number will never be called, the display board will always show the number just before yours, ha ha, you’ll be trapped in the renewal line forever! The last concept we’re mulling over is transforming hell into a 24-7 customer service center. Think of it, office cubes as far as the eye can see where our denizens would be forced to spend the rest of eternity answering and logging complaint calls about malfunctioning toasters and software! This would be a real win-win for us, we can’t think of a better way to torture all the lost souls here and we could probably beat any price charged by those new call centers in India!”

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

You've Been a Baaaaaaad Blogger, Dr. Max

You’re right of course. If one starts a blog, one better dang well show up now and then a post a fricking entry. I apologize most sincerely for my absence but duty in the real world called. Went back home to help out with a family illness last week. Not that slacking off as the first sunshine and warm weather of the season arrived wouldn’t have been a good enough reason, but Dr. Max plays hooky only when he has a valid excuse.

And I would have sent one of my sparklingly witty entries to you upon my return, but Mrs. Dr. Max decided to run an experiment to see how much rice is needed to clog a kitchen sink. With a mere Tupperware container full of left over take-out rice, she created an almost impenetrable wall of grains within our drain pipes. Dr. Max worked for nearly a day before he admitted defeat and surrendered to a professional plumber. Armed only with a motorized snake and an $80 an hour fee he cleared the great wall of rice in just 15 minutes. He also told me that anything you eat can go down a garbage disposal, but you have to put it in a spoonful at a time, making sure each spoonful clears before putting the next one in.

So there you have it, an entry, an apology, some excuses, and a piece of advise that just saved all of you $80 dollars. I hope we’re all friends again.