Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Dr. Max’s Mashup

A list of mostly unrelated, half formed post ideas thrown together just so Dr. Max can use a hot Web 2.0 term in the title

Oh God, Not Another Story About the Kids: Hey everybody, how are you doing? Really? You don’t say. Why don’t you put some ointment on that and I’m sure it will clear up in no time. Dr. Max here. How am I? Good.....good....well, by good I mean very, very, very, very tired. Tired in the way any of you who have had toddlers about will understand. Our daughter, who is not yet two, has somehow convinced herself that she is in fact, twenty-one years old. She insists daily, by screaming the word “I”, that she can A.) put on her shoes, B.) tie said shoes C.) find a deal on a used car so she so get a job and apartment in the city. Don’t get me wrong, my wife and I wanted a little girl with self confidence. We would never want to discourage her from feeling like she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to in life. We just think she should be over, say, three or four feet tall and work on her motor skills just a bit more before she tackles the stairs by herself or hang gliding.

Our 6 year old son just completed his second tour of duty as a ring bearer. Dad did his best to worry and fret that he would mar the dignity of ceremony, but once again he handled his task with a cool professionalism that his father still doesn’t possess, even in his old age. So I did what every good father should do: told him I was proud of him, that I loved him and then drove to Target to make good on the Nintendo GameCube bribe.

Texas and Presidents Don’t Mix: I am referring of course to the eerie similarities between the Lyndon Johnson and George W. Bush administrations (and, out of dignity, leaving out the most pertinent example: JFK). I think the problem stems from that unique quality of the Lone Star state, Texas pride. I do not begrudge Texans from possessing an almost manic need to cover unwarranted feelings of inferiority by plastering large state flags on anything in it’s borders that doesn’t move. It’s their state, they are entitled to love it in the same manner that Lennie in Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men loved his soft bunnies. Texas qualities worked well for Johnson in the Senate, allowing him to rope and tie legislators to do his bidding. Bush was also extremely popular as a Texas governor for being a Republican and untroubled by the prospect of executing the state’s prisoners. It’s when you make these drugstore cowboys the chief executive of the entire nation that trouble begins. This Texas pride tends to make them start wars halfway across the globe for imaginary reasons and then stubbornly refuse to accept the fact we’re losing. Years go by and we are told daily of final corners and local armies standing on their own as American life and treasure are wasted in a distant conflict we’ve managed to stick ourselves in the middle of. Perhaps it’s wishful thinking, but I bet we’d do a lot better with a president from Hawaii.

Moose Tunes for Kids: My wife picked up a CD for our kids on her last business trip called Moose Tunes for Kids, sung by Brent Holmes and Marty the Moose. Now I understand this CD was not created for my personal demographic, it’s sole purpose is to entertain the young ones. The thing that amazed me was that the CD had 14 tracks. 14 songs about moose! Really, I think if I were a songwriter, I’d only have one or two moose songs in me, tops. I can only applaud the ambition shown in producing so many ballads about the hoofed Alces alces. I then learned Brent also has a couple of other CD’s including Cow Tunes for Kids and Bear Tunes for Kids! Truly, Mr. Holmes is the livestock songsmith of our generation.

And a Big Thhhppptthhh Of the Raspberry Goes Out to You Democratic Insiders: Once again, the gifted sages that constitute the power elite of the Democratic party have used their vast knowledge of the electorate to shoot down the censure measure of Russ Feingold so they could emphasize the much sexier issue of the national debt in the upcoming midterms. I didn’t think it was possible for Democratic leaders to screw up a 36 point approval rating for Bush, but this brain trust promises to equal their Hindenburg landing in Lakehurst-like success of the last two presidential elections. Only this crew could out-Rove Rove and solidify for voters the perception of Democrats being a group of milquetoasts afraid to directly stand up for any principles. I mean it’s not like a president unilaterally deciding to spy on American citizens is a big deal or anything. Could somebody please tell me where the Grassroots Party stands on the important national issues of the day.....or are they just about the hemp?


Blogger Isaac Carmichael said...

Your daughter sounds like a real spitfire...she could teach the timiDems a thing or two!

2:43 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

Hemp For Victory!!

Russ NEEDS to run for president!! We need someone with compassion and a backbone to lead this country back out of the tarpit that Bush has managed to drag us into.

8:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Finally you're Newsweek's man of the year, joining a long list of luminaries. It's high time!

10:39 AM  
Blogger fallenmonk said...

The only bright light Doc is that Bush and company are so screwed up that even the die hard types are starting to revolt. The Dems will/are trying to screw it up but this thing has legs and the latest polling shows that the majority of Americans are for censuring the Prez.

1:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

zardoz says:

loved the idea of a prez from HAWAII.


1:02 AM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

I with Zardoz on this one. Can't wait for the prez from the Aloha State.

10:21 PM  

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