Thursday, March 09, 2006

The Best President Ever, No Questions Asked

This transcript of a discussion held among federal, state and local officials on Aug. 28, 2005, has been updated to include the thoughts of President George W. Bush as he listened to the concerns regarding Hurricane Katrina striking the Gulf Coast:

MIKE BROWN, DIRECTOR OF THE FEDERAL EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT AGENCY: Everyone, let's go ahead and get started. It's noon, and we have a lot of business to cover today. Before we get started, I wanted to very briefly introduce Michael Jackson, Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security, and my good friend from .......

President Bush’s Thoughts:.....Brownster? Nah.....Brownalong-a-ding-dong? Nope. Hmmmm. Brummel and Brown? Charlie Brown? Wait a a fudge brownie, heh heh heh, that’s it! I’m gonna call him Brownie. How ya doin Brownie? Nice day, huh Brownie? You’re doin a heck of a job there Brownie!. Yeah...that’s good, even in a crisis I can still come up with my patented clever nicknames....

...MAX MAYFIELD, DIRECTOR OF THE NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER: Okay. Good afternoon. I don't have any good news here at all today. This is, as everybody knows by now ,a very dangerous hurricane, and the center is about 225 miles south-southeast of the mouth of the Mississippi River. Putting the visual loop up here, Slide 100 here, just so you can see the size. You know, if there was ever a time to remind people not to focus on that skinny black line, this is it. This is a very, very large hurricane....

President Bush’s Thoughts:....heh heh....that’s funny, those satellite photos make that hurricane look like a booby...heh heh....a big white booby....

...MAYFIELD: So if the really strong winds clip Lake Poncetrain, that's going to pile some of that water from Lake Poncetrain over on the south side of the lake. I don't think any model can tell you with any confidence right now whether the levies will be topped or not, but that's obviously a very, very grave concern...

President Bush’s Thoughts:..boy this new video room at the ranch sure is cool. Look at the paneling they put in here! They musta gone to the Home Depot! If Laura thinks she’s gonna get her craft room back she can FOR-GIT-IT! I bet I get to keep that big screen TV after I’m done being president....I’m gonna get a nice massage lounger in here and it will be 24-7 baseball, yee haa!

...BROWN: Any questions?

NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER: Hearing none, this concludes the weather portion of the conference.

BROWN: Thank you very much. At this time, I'd like to go to Crawford, Texas. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the President of the United States.

President Bush’s Thoughts:...Doo Daa Da Doo, Daa Da Doo, Daa Da Doo, Daa Da Doo, Barracuda! Doo Daa Da, why has everybody stopped talking? Oh crap!

PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH: Yes, Mike, thank you very much.I want to assure the folks at the state level that we are fully prepared to not only help you during the storm, but we will move in whatever resources and assets we have at our disposal after the storm to help you deal with the loss of property. And we pray for no loss of life, of course. In the meantime, I know the nation will be praying for the good folks in the affected areas, and we just hope for the very best. Mike, thanks for letting me speak to the people I know who are working long hours. Again, I want to thank everybody involved in this effort. I appreciate the long hours you're keeping. I expect you to keep more long hours until we've done everything we can in our power to help — to help the folks in the affected areas. Thank you....hours.....thanks.....long hours...very best...thank you.....thanks.

President Bush’s Thoughts:...heh heh, hey that almost sounded like I was paying attention. Those years of pretending I knew what was going on during those Harken Energy meetings really paid off.....

BROWN: Mr. President, thank you. We appreciate your support of FEMA and those kind words very much. Thank you, sir.

BROWN: Okay. We'll move on now to the states. Louisiana?

SMITH: Good morning, Mike. This is Colonel Jeff Smith here in Louisiana. We certainly appreciate those comments from the President, because I can tell you that our Governor is very concerned about...

President Bush’s Thoughts:...Oh blahbiddy blah blah blah, Jesus Christ, let’s move it along here folks! We get it, big storm coming. The brush is NOT going to clear itself around here y’know. That reminds me, I saw one of those infomercials about that DR Field and Brush Mower. Oh baby does that look sweeeeeet. I gotta get me one of those next time I go to the Home Depot.....

...COL. SMITH: Mike, no. (Inaudible) resources that are en route, and it looks like those resources that are en route are going to – to be a good first shot. Naturally, once we get into this thing...(CLICK)....And welcome to Sports Center...

BROWN: Excuse me, who just turned Col. Smith’s channel to ESPN?

PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH: He wasn’t finished? Oh, sorry, (CLICK)

COL. SMITH: FCO is onsite. ERD-A is onsite. EMAC-18 is onsite. We've got everything that we need from the Federal Government. And, again, we appreciate what you and FEMA are doing. Mr. Secretary, I appreciate you being there. It shows the support at that level. We really do appreciate it. We certainly appreciate the words from the President....

President Bush’s Thoughts:..Y’now what I’d really appreciate? Somebody ending this damn meeting. C’mon Brownie, wrap this crap up, it’s s'mores night at the ranch for the Secret Service guys and I gotta go down to the FINA station for more Hershey bars....

...BROWN: We have DOD assets over here at the EOC. They are fully engaged, and we are having those discussions with them now.

CHERTOFF: Good job.

BROWN: (Missing.)

CHERTOFF: I did, yes. Thank you.(Missing.)

BROWN: Are there any other questions or comments anyone needs to make? If not, carry on. Next meeting noon tomorrow. I'll see you from Baton Rouge.

President Bush’s Thoughts:...Oh thank God. FINALLY, it’s over. These fricking meetings are really screwing with my vacation hours! I don’t want to hear another word about God damned Katrina the rest of the week!


Blogger fallenmonk said...

That is probably not too far from the truth Doc. More's the pity.

8:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

zardoz says :

hey DOC , another great one,

think you can write my comments

on your blog too , i mean when you

have so much imagination , after the

facts , why not go for the whole

cake'n'ca'boodleee,, what ya think..?

== Z ==

8:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

However did you get in there--through a portal to the president's brain (as in Being John Malcovich)? Now that's a scary place to be.

9:44 PM  
Blogger Isaac Carmichael said...

Does the portal to Bush's brain have a sign that says "Dead End"?

10:00 AM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

I have tendency to do the same thing during long, boring meetings. Thank goodness I'm not President.

12:08 AM  
Blogger Grace Nearing said...

Until now, I never thought about what Bush was thinking when he was not thinking about what he was supposed to be thinking about. In fact, I still don't think of Bush as actually thinking at all. Mainly because the concept of a Bush sapiens is too frightening to think about for long.

11:06 PM  

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