Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The 59 Flavors of Windows Vista

Microsoft corporation has announced that the next version of their Windows operating system, Windows Vista, will come in multiple versions and price points to better match the the various needs of it’s many customers. Following are the Windows Vista packages that should be available by the end of this year:

Windows Vista - Virus Free Starter Addition: A Windows Vista box with no software, only a static cling screen cover with the Vista menu page printed on it. Since no Windows software is installed Microsoft engineers guarantee your computer will be 100% virus and adware free!

Windows Vista Home Basic : The newer version of XP Home edition. Microsoft engineers say they have worked long hours to provide customers with a more stylish blue screen of death experience. “Oh, trust me, it will crash just as much,” says Microsoft Vista project head Dale Cobblejob, “but we’ve had some design firms come in and help with the look of our famous fatal error page. Since customers see it so often, we wanted to create a nice visual for them while they contemplate all the work they just lost.”

Windows Vista Home Basic N: This version will only be available in Europe as EU antitrust rulings have forced Microsoft to provide a version of their operating system without the Windows Media Player. The EU cancelled plans to require Microsoft to also create a version minus Internet Explorer when they realized it would have started a global population shift of grateful customers moving to Belgium just to get a copy.

Windows Vista Home Premium: This version includes all the features of Vista Basic along with Tablet PC and Media Center capabilities as well as Microsoft’s exclusive, Aero (TM) Interface. “It’s really a ham handed copy of the Mac OS X look and feel, but we call it Aero,” said Cobblejob. “We never consider our job done until we’ve created a pale imitation of the Apple OS. As for the Media Center functionality, we think we have a real opportunity here to offer Vista users the ability to crash their new big screen plasma TVs as often as their PCs!”

Windows Vista Business: Windows for small to medium sized businesses, who want to rely less on their own dedicated IT support. “Not that Vista Business will be much better than XP Pro, “ said Cobblejob, “it’s just that every box will include a list of Microsoft licensed 24 hour call centers located in India. That will free up IT personal in these businesses to add strategic value to the organization....or to be laid off on Friday and escorted out of the building.”

Windows Vista Enterprise: Designed for all large or global sized companies with complex information technology needs. This version features data protection and encryption technology. It will also hunt for any existing copy of Linux on an enterprise PC or server and erase it, charging only a nominal fee to the user for each copy destroyed.

Windows Vista Ultimate: Vista Ultimate combines all the features of Vista Home Premium and Vista Business combined into one package. “Hey, we have our fingers crossed that Ultimate will be the best of both worlds,” said Cobblejob, “but when a company reaches Microsoft’s behemoth like proportions, who are we kidding? With all the political infighting that goes on around here, consider yourself lucky if this sucker is stable enough to get you to the start screen.” Each Ultimate package will also include special bonuses, including a Bill Gates trading card, some gum, a Windows Vista decoder ring, a chocolate pudding cup, a “I heart Windows Vista” poster and t-shirt, a Steve Ballmer action figure, baked beans and Spam.


Blogger Zardoz said...

excellennt doc




4:41 AM  
Blogger MacHeadCase said...

I'm gonna post a link on my blog this is just too good! LOL

Great entry, DrMax!!! w00t!!!

8:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All those choices would drive me nuts; I'm glad I'm on Mac.

1:05 PM  
Blogger fallenmonk said...

Great piece of snark Doc..I am really looking forward to my new software though I am going to wait for the NT version.

5:38 PM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

As an IT professional, I applaud you. Well done, Dr. Max, well done.

9:31 PM  
Blogger Grace Nearing said...

Oh, gosh. I am in tears from laughing. You have to send this to the guy (Cringely?) who does that series of homages to computer geeks on PBS.

10:32 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

Macs rock! Too, bad they didn't have tablet technology when I was looking for a new computer.

7:20 PM  

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