Wednesday, February 22, 2006

President Bush Names New Head of White House Security

President Bush today named Oswald B. Ladenski, a leading expert in terrorism, to become head of White House security. The President said the Department of Homeland Security felt it was necessary to create the post due to the possibility of increased threats to the White House after the destruction of the Golden Dome Shrine in Iraq. “Boy howdy, you thought the Mohammed cartoons riled those folks up, “ said the President, “just wait until you see what happens after this!”

The President admitted he wasn’t aware of Ladenski being assigned to the new post until five minutes before his announcement. “But I trust the Chertoffinator,” said the President, referring to Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff, “he’s done such a bang up job with Katrina and the port security deal, that if he says Mr. Ladenski is the man for the job, who am I to argue? Mike-Mike said this guy’s resume’ is the second best he’s ever seen, after Michael Brown’s. Apparently Mr. Ladenski here has had experience in Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan and most recently in the hill country along the Afghan-Pakistani border, he has unique knowledge of the threats that may be coming our way.”

Mr. Ladenski said that the White House assignment was a dream come true. “At long last our years of planning have paid off,” said Ladenski, “ I am here, mere steps away from President Bush. Frankly, I’m a little surprised how quickly I’ve gained access to the White House, I only sent in my resume in last week on a whim. I told folks back home that Homeland Security would never pick me, I guess the multimillion dollar contribution we made to the G.O.P. helped the process go faster than we expected. I’m like a kid in a candy store here, not sure whether to look at the White House floor plans first or go over the launch codes with the president, Ah ha ha hah ha ha! Oh, sorry, nervous habit of mine, I tend to laugh maniacally whenever I get excited!”


Blogger OldRoses said...

After the White House, maybe Ladenski will go after Cheney's undisclosed location???????

9:57 PM  
Blogger Isaac Carmichael said...

Hmmm...there's something fishy about that new guy. I think it's someone else in disguise.

Bugs Bunny, I think.

11:55 AM  
Blogger fallenmonk said...

Hell, they made him such an offer he couldn't refuse. He's goingto outsourcethe whole Secret Service to those guys. Anyone that can keep Osama alive with the most powerful nation on earth looking for him 24x7 you gotta respect.

7:18 AM  
Blogger Grace Nearing said...

Frankly, I’m a little surprised how quickly I’ve gained access to the White House, I only sent in my resume in last week on a whim.

You just know some anal-retentive blogger is going to fact-check that resume and discover that Ladenski never graduated from the University of Texas, as he claims. And then Scott McClellan, while saying he can't possibly comment on an ongoing investigation, will insist that it was an honest mistake and that the fault lies with Kinko's resume service.

6:00 PM  
Blogger Chris Wilson said...

Oh man, that is too funny. But then again, its not. Bush's coziness with the Saudi royals and his willingness to do this deal with the UAE, makes me think that, while your scenario is far fetched, its actually not too far away from how things really are. It kills me to be serious. I joke about everything, but this is no joke.

8:05 PM  

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