Monday, February 06, 2006

Death Could Really Use a Holiday


Oh hi, it’s me, death. Y’know the Grim Reaper. How are ya all doing? Me? Oh, fine I guess. I don’t know maybe it’s just the winter blahs but I’ve been feeling a little down lately. It’s this job. Sometimes, being that last figure everybody sees before they die can get to you.

Hey, I know what you’re going to say, “Reaper, you should be happy to have a job.” I know, you’re right, you’re right....death is a good living. It’s just that I can’t help feeling like I’d like to accomplish more than notifying folks they’re gonna be moving to the great beyond in a truly terrifying way. I mean, how many times can you tap some sweaty overweight middle aged guy on his shoulder with a boney finger? It gets so monotonous after a while.

And this outfit, please. We’re talking heavy muslin with a high thread count, and I have to wear it fall, winter, spring and summer and trust me, it does NOT breath. No cute pins for St. Patrick’s Day or Christmas, just this black robe, eternity in, eternity out. Plus, have you ever had to carry a huge scythe with you all over the place? I go to hospitals a lot and every damn one of them have those revolving doors now. Yeah, fine, better for energy consumption, whatever! Just try getting a giant scythe through one of them, it’s fricking impossible!

Also, this is not the best job for interaction with the clients. It’s not like I’m asking for much. What would be wrong with a pleasant little chat about the weather or how the Red Sox are doing once and while when I show up? But no, once I appear I get either abject speechlessness or that damn pleading for more time. I wish this job wasn’t just about the dying. Well sure, I am going to snatch you from the realm of the living, but it’s no reason to be freaking out the whole time!

Y’know, fine, I get it. I guess I just have to face facts, I’m not going to win any popularity contests. I should just take pride in the fact that I’m a professional and be happy that I do a good job. Go to the obit section of the paper today and tell me how you’d take all those folks out in a day or two. See, not as easy as it looks is it? And frankly I don’t know how I’m gonna handle that meteor strike next month, I guess I’ll have to hire temps or something. Well I better get back to it, see you around OK? Probably next month.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

zardo says:

HIYA greem reaper ,

if i was , in your shoes ,

id quit , and travel the galaxies seeking new experiences

i mean whats the use of pickin up souls , its boring like bagging in a super market.

i mean if the humans get tired , let em suicide, and find their own way werever they want go....

if they want to live forever , its their problem.

Hey if you do decide to quit and see the galaxies , say hi to my friend the SILVER SURFER .

And tell him ill be along in about 20 to 40 earth years.

================ Z A R D O Z ==========================================

2:28 AM  
Anonymous Snake (a Cambridge kind of guy) said...

"Death is a good living." I like that line and just might appropriate it (though I promise to use it appropriately).

6:36 AM  
Blogger fallenmonk said...

Yeah I like that line too. "Death is a good living". Then again there seem to be a lot of dyslexic people that have garbled it into "Living is a good death" Just sayin'

7:11 AM  
Blogger sideshow bob said...

I wonder how long before his job gets outsourced to Mexico to improve God's profit margins.

11:09 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

How much would that temp job pay? I'm looking for something from mid-March to June. I could cover the meteor shower, spring break, and finals week. I would assume that it has good health benefits. You can't have Death or Death's assistants dying after all.

6:38 PM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

I would think that with all the people being killed in Iraq on a daily basis that Death wouldn't have time to complain.

Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox now.

9:44 PM  

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