Monday, February 27, 2006

Bode Miller Takes Gold in the Jello-Shot

Olympic downhill skier Bode Miller said he was elated by his only medal win during the Turin Winter games: a Jeno’s Bar "Booze-O-Lympics" first place gold in the jello-shot competition. “Of course everybody had written me off," said Miller, "but I knew the extra hours I was putting in at night were essential to bring home the gold. It's a true honor to wear this medal. It symbolizes the sacrifices I made over the last four years and Jeno said it can be redeemed for two-for-one specials at any of his franchise locations!"

Miller said it was a tough competition, but in the end, his dedication to grueling after hours partying finally paid off. Miller scored the gold in a “Drink The Rainbow” slalom. “You have to drink jello-shots in all the colors of the rainbow as you are pushed on a wheeled bar stool,” Miller said. “I was behind until the final heat, but I had a good feeling because of all the previous nights of chugging and projectile vomiting had really put me in the zone. That last run was a thing of beauty and, really, was why I came to Turin in the first place! The shots went down easy and I knew I had nailed it. I may not have been able to get out of a downhill starting gate the past two weeks, but I was unstoppable last night! Oh and trust me, there was some pot at the end of the rainbow, if you catch my drift”

Miller said he hopes the Olympic committee will consider partying as a demonstration sport in future Olympic games. “Hell, they’ve already rolled in the X-games to get younger viewers,” Miller said, “dude, this would be even bigger! Shot slaloms, 2 meter babe propositioning and keg emptying relays, are we talking awesome or what?! I’d like this Jeno’s Bar gold to be real Olympic gold one day. Besides I’m tired of getting smacked in the face by those downhill gates all the time, especially when I’m hung over.“

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

President Bush Names New Head of White House Security

President Bush today named Oswald B. Ladenski, a leading expert in terrorism, to become head of White House security. The President said the Department of Homeland Security felt it was necessary to create the post due to the possibility of increased threats to the White House after the destruction of the Golden Dome Shrine in Iraq. “Boy howdy, you thought the Mohammed cartoons riled those folks up, “ said the President, “just wait until you see what happens after this!”

The President admitted he wasn’t aware of Ladenski being assigned to the new post until five minutes before his announcement. “But I trust the Chertoffinator,” said the President, referring to Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff, “he’s done such a bang up job with Katrina and the port security deal, that if he says Mr. Ladenski is the man for the job, who am I to argue? Mike-Mike said this guy’s resume’ is the second best he’s ever seen, after Michael Brown’s. Apparently Mr. Ladenski here has had experience in Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan and most recently in the hill country along the Afghan-Pakistani border, he has unique knowledge of the threats that may be coming our way.”

Mr. Ladenski said that the White House assignment was a dream come true. “At long last our years of planning have paid off,” said Ladenski, “ I am here, mere steps away from President Bush. Frankly, I’m a little surprised how quickly I’ve gained access to the White House, I only sent in my resume in last week on a whim. I told folks back home that Homeland Security would never pick me, I guess the multimillion dollar contribution we made to the G.O.P. helped the process go faster than we expected. I’m like a kid in a candy store here, not sure whether to look at the White House floor plans first or go over the launch codes with the president, Ah ha ha hah ha ha! Oh, sorry, nervous habit of mine, I tend to laugh maniacally whenever I get excited!”

Monday, February 20, 2006

Desperate White House Housewife

In the beginning it was wonderful. He was just the guy I needed, experienced, knowledgeable about Washington and in charge of selecting himself. After the election we had a wonderful honeymoon. He really seemed to care that I did well back then, we were happy and carefree, ready to be friends as well as president and vice president.

Then things changed, he changed. That awful day in September affected us all, but Dick seemed to take it personally. I happened to be out of town, maybe that was it, he felt like it was his duty to take control and shoot down planes while I serpentined across the country. When I landed there wasn’t even a “Glad you’re OK” or “How are you?” from him, he just kept talking about how we had to attack Iraq! I was a little green then, I didn’t want to make him mad, I thought maybe we should concentrate on Afghanistan, but Dick seemed obsessed with Iraq. His old buddy, Mr. Post War Planner Rumsfeld, was there to back him up of course. “OK”, I said, “we’ll do it, will that make you happy?”

But it didn’t make him happy. He only seemed to get more sullen and secretive. I confronted him a few times, asking him just why he had to keep gallivanting off to his undisclosed location, but he’d just get all defensive and tell me it was none of my business. Me, the President of the United States and his whereabouts were none of my business? I started to get my reports of his activities second hand. Energy task forces, swearing at Senators and leaking the identity of a covert government operative, it was obvious he was getting out of control!

Well then this Texas quail hunt happened. I have never been so embarrassed in all my life! Honestly, how am I supposed to show may face around the other world leaders after this fiasco?. He goes off drinking and hunting with his pals and shoots a 78 year old guy in my home state and doesn’t even have the courtesy to call me until a day after it happens? What happened to us Dick? Why don’t we talk anymore? There are plenty of fish in the sea who would like to be the next Republican president you know! Why can’t it be like those first months again Dick, why? Maybe the honeymoon is finally over.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

President Satisfied with Cheney's Explaination of Shooting, Awards Him Medal of Freedom

President Bush today said he was satisfied with Vice President Dick Cheney’s explanation of his accidental shooting of a 78 year old man during a hunting trip over the weekend and awarded him the Presidential Medal of Freedom. “The Vice President felt just awful about shooting our good friend Harry Whittington,” said President Bush,"and he had such a hangdog expression after he explained what happened, I had to do something to brighten his day. These medals are a real pick-me-up, just ask George Tenet!”

“I’m sure the media would like to make this into a big story,” said Bush, “but it’s time to move on. I mean what really happened? So a sitting vice president shot a 78 year old man in the heart and face with a shot gun, I can’t understand why anyone would be interested in something like that. And this whole drinking question, so he had a few barley pops, big whoop! Who am I to judge? You’re talking to guy who would Hoover up a mirror full of coke in my wild days, just think what I would have done to hunting companions.”

“No, this is just another example of liberals trying to trump up a nothing story for political gain,” said President Bush. “Let’s not blame the vice president for discharging a shotgun into the face of a 78 year old man, let’s put the blame where it really lies, on the quail. We are presently looking into this particular bird’s background, just to see if it has any ties to terrorist networks. It would be just like al Qaeda to train quail that would embarrass the vice president in this way, remember, this is a time of war.”

The president said he is sure the vice president will be back in good spirits soon. “Dick is tough, it’s gonna take more than being responsible for a 78 year old man’s heart attack to cause the vice president to mope around the West Wing. I mean, as of today 2271 brave soldiers are dead in Iraq and we still josh and joke around the office, we’re just a crazy bunch that way. And if Dick starts acting like too much of a gloomy gus, I’ll just make up a new Presidential Double Secret Special Medal of Freedom and hang that around his neck too. I'd do anything to bring that sneer back to his face!”

Monday, February 13, 2006

Armed and Cantankerous

The Place: West Wing Office of the Vice President. The time: 8 AM this morning. The Vice President is joined by his chief of staff, David Addington and his national security advisor, John Hannah...

Cheney: C’mon in boys. Just cleaning my gun here, that asshole Whittington got blood splatter all over the stock.

Addington: We’re getting some heat on the timeline of the shooting announcement sir....

Cheney: Yeah, it figures those press mongrels would be jumping all over this! I still don’t see why we even had to announce this damn thing. Whittington is old, he wandered in front of my birdshot, why do we have to embarrass him like this? I mean these things happen when you hunt, what’s the big deal?

Hannah: Well I think people are concerned when the vice president of the Untied States shoots someone.

Cheney: Oh right the anti-NRA folks! Jesus don’t get me you think any of those folks have ever gone hunting? NO! What would they understand about the joys of gathering with friends and communing with nature in the primitive wilderness of a farm stocked luxury hunting ranch?

Addington: Yes sir. But maybe we should go over this again, just to make sure we're all on the same page if the reporters keep pressing.

Cheney: Goddam it! I told you what happened. We were coming up a ridge, the Secret Service guys were doing their duty, following 30 yards out and flushing the quail. Then fricking Whittington goes stumbling off to look for what he claims were a couple of birds, like that geezer could even tell if he hit anything. Well, I saw a quail go up on my right, it flew low to the ground to my left and I lifted my gun like this and....


Hannah: Uggghhhhh

Addington: Oh my God Mr. Vice President, you just shot Hannah!

Cheney: Yeah, it was just like that, Whittington came up on me just like Hannah there.

Addington: He’s really bleeding sir, I better call security!

Cheney: Oh c’mon, suck it up Hannah, it’s only birdshot! You’re as big a baby as Whittington, it's getting so folks can't take a little small arms fire anymore. What the hell is this world coming...


Addington: My face, my face! Yaaaaahhh!

Cheney: Don’t any of you people know the first thing about hunting safety? You never place yourself in front of the vice president’s loaded gun!! Jenny can you come in here please. we have a little situation.

Jenny: Yes Mr. Vice President, how can I....OH MY LORD! Mr. Addington! Mr. Hannah....the blood!

Cheney: Oh Jenny please! Settle down, it was just a little hunting accident, go get them some water and...


Jenny: Eeeahhhh!!

Cheney: Oooooo, Jenny, that looks like a gut shot, you better have the staff physician take a look. Well I bet the press is going to make this look bad. Unless....say, just spit balling here but what if I have the secret service take you guys around town and dump you! Yeah, then we can say it was D.C. crime or a terrorist deal. Oh Dick, only you can accidently shoot lemons and turn it into lemonade

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Shakespeare's Lost Play: In the Court of George the W.

Literary scholars recently uncovered this previous unknown manuscript of a play by William Shakespeare. Titled “In the Court of George the W.” the play is set in a kingdom of the new world, hundreds of years in the future from Shakespeare’s time. That One Blog now proudly presents these excerpts from this important work....

Act II Scene II - Lord Cheney speaks to Grand Duke Rove in the House of White

Lord Cheney: Good Duke Rove, come hither, thou must speak to thee away from ears to which wagging tongues are attached.

Grand Duke Rove: My Lord, pray, how can I serve thee?

Lord Cheney: Now, as the towers of our great city still smolder, your assistance I need!

Grand Duke Rove: I am sure, Lord Cheney, like you, this tragedy will allow this great kingdom to come together at last and to join the world in defeating those forces which....

Lord Cheney: Rove....thy name has many meanings. Do not rove in your flowery comments, tis not the time for aimless talk! Instead be that rove which is twisted for spinning! As this tragedy may bring us together it can also be used to divide and conquer!

Grand Duke Rove: Alas, I am afraid Lord Cheney knows thy name and thy person too well. Indeed, thou sees a great opportunity in this happenstance! As the victims have suffered let us make our political enemies suffer!

Lord Cheney: Thou divinest my intentions most clearly Rove. Weakness is what brought us here today. But no longer, power again will be ours, unchecked and unquestioned.

Grand Duke Rove: We will make it seem that to question George the W., will be to question loyalty to this land. But what of the leader? What say he?

Lord Cheney: Of what concern is that to us? George the W. will do as I say! Through feigned obsequiousness do I control him. Concern yourself not with what he says, come to me for future instruction.

Grand Duke Rove: Good Lord Cheney, I am your servant. I will go off and cloud the scribes and whisper falsehoods against our enemies. Dirty deeds done in troubled times are rarely questioned...but hark my Lord, George the W. approaches!

George the W.: Lord Cheney, Grand Duke Rove, I have returned and heard the news! We must do something!

Lord Cheney: Yes good Sire, I fear our enemies laugh at us, do you not agree Grand Duke Rove?

Grand Duke Rove: (Sigh) I am afraid Lord Cheney speaks the truth Sire. Enemies both foreign and domestic see us as weak and cowardly!

George the W.: Tis not true! As you often tell me Lord Cheney, I am a great leader, quick of mind but misunderestimated by all!

Lord Cheney: Yes my liege, but thine enemies here at home will not hesitate to lay all blame of this tragedy at thy feet. But I’m sure you know this already and have planned accordingly!

George the W.: Rrrrright.....I have.......what did I decide to do again?

Lord Cheney: Why, start a preemptive war against the Sultan of Hussein! What better way to show our strength and strike fear in the heart of thy foreign enemies!

Grand Duke Rove: And here in our kingdom we will use this tragedy to grant you any and all power, to oppose this request would show your political enemies to be in league with the evildoers!

George the W.: Ahhh.....right, that is right, I remember now. I will never again allow us to be attacked, make haste for God has delivered me for this purpose, only I can save this fair country!

George the W. exits

Grand Duke Rove: Alas Lord Cheney, tis like stealing toffee from babes!

Lord Cheney: But we are blessed dear Rove, to have the crown sit upon that head. A head free of will and contemplation, so easily turned to our dark purposes. Though he rules by title, it is we who will truly hold the power. I must go and attend him again, now go do what needs to be done dear friend, a kingdom is ours for the taking!

Act III Scene I - The Soliloquy of George the W.

George the W.: Heavy lays the burden upon the brow of most men who lead,
But not upon thee. Thy gut guides me most assuredly to my decisions.
Once made, ne’re a thought do I waste on them again.
Like the surface of a troubled sea, I do not reflect.
I am a tool. A tool of thy Higher Father, to help Him reclaim the world He made.
Yet thy lower father dispatches to me pleadings to not fall sway under Lord Cheney,
To ignore General Rumsfeld and his cons of Neo! To listen to others.
But I cannot allow that sire to influence this Sire! My birth do I owe to him but not thy life!
I am right, I am right, I am right! The mead I no longer drink, the divine purpose is mine!
And yet, as I lay in the blue shadow of night, do I not feel doubt?
Do not the spirits of those countless numbers lost under the cannon and gun call to me?
Per chance does cutting the taxes upon nobleman in this time of war vex me?
Must I always use fear to grasp and hold to this office and this power?
These thoughts ring of contemplation, and contemplation leads to weakness.
So up I turn the volume of thy ESPN, let it drown out doubt, let it drown out thought.
I am the King God has chosen, that is the only truth I need know!

Monday, February 06, 2006

Death Could Really Use a Holiday

Oh hi, it’s me, death. Y’know the Grim Reaper. How are ya all doing? Me? Oh, fine I guess. I don’t know maybe it’s just the winter blahs but I’ve been feeling a little down lately. It’s this job. Sometimes, being that last figure everybody sees before they die can get to you.

Hey, I know what you’re going to say, “Reaper, you should be happy to have a job.” I know, you’re right, you’re right....death is a good living. It’s just that I can’t help feeling like I’d like to accomplish more than notifying folks they’re gonna be moving to the great beyond in a truly terrifying way. I mean, how many times can you tap some sweaty overweight middle aged guy on his shoulder with a boney finger? It gets so monotonous after a while.

And this outfit, please. We’re talking heavy muslin with a high thread count, and I have to wear it fall, winter, spring and summer and trust me, it does NOT breath. No cute pins for St. Patrick’s Day or Christmas, just this black robe, eternity in, eternity out. Plus, have you ever had to carry a huge scythe with you all over the place? I go to hospitals a lot and every damn one of them have those revolving doors now. Yeah, fine, better for energy consumption, whatever! Just try getting a giant scythe through one of them, it’s fricking impossible!

Also, this is not the best job for interaction with the clients. It’s not like I’m asking for much. What would be wrong with a pleasant little chat about the weather or how the Red Sox are doing once and while when I show up? But no, once I appear I get either abject speechlessness or that damn pleading for more time. I wish this job wasn’t just about the dying. Well sure, I am going to snatch you from the realm of the living, but it’s no reason to be freaking out the whole time!

Y’know, fine, I get it. I guess I just have to face facts, I’m not going to win any popularity contests. I should just take pride in the fact that I’m a professional and be happy that I do a good job. Go to the obit section of the paper today and tell me how you’d take all those folks out in a day or two. See, not as easy as it looks is it? And frankly I don’t know how I’m gonna handle that meteor strike next month, I guess I’ll have to hire temps or something. Well I better get back to it, see you around OK? Probably next month.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Bush Calls On Democrats To Become More Hopeful, Compassionate Pussies

In his State of the Union address to the nation, President George W. Bush called on Democrats to stop their partisan bickering and attacks in order to become, “a more, compassionate, decent and hopeful party of pussies.”

The president said that in order to address the problems facing the nation, Democrats need to stop criticizing his policies, no matter how stupid or unconstitutional they are. “Washington has become a town of personal attacks and partisan ‘gotcha’,” said President Bush, “and I call on all Democrats to allow Karl Rove to continue in this great work, so they will look girlie and weak by the midterm elections! Democrats need to support the troops and refrain from calling attention to the endless blunders I have made in Iraq so that Vice President Cheney can continue to call you friends of Al-Qaeda.”

“I am simply asking you Democrats not to take the low road,” said President Bush, “like I do when I swiftboat actual combat vets like Murtha, Kerry and Cleland who oppose my policies. Trust me you can spend some sleepless nights when you call a guy who lost three limbs a coward and you didn’t even finish your National Guard service! If my presidency is to be considered a success I need you Democrats to continue to be weak and docile like cute little kittens.”

“On September 11th this nation was attacked and I knew it was time to act,” said the President. “I had to use this event to scare the nation shitless so that Republicans could gain control of Congress. These were the salad days, whatever we conservatives said you Democrats had to go along with. God it was great, we got Iraq going, Delay started the lobby money flowing and I got to listen in on your phone calls, all while you Democrats looked like the family pooch who just had an accident in the kitchen. But today as memories of 9/11 fade so do my poll numbers. Now more than ever I need Democrats to cower and whimper as they have done so successfully throughout my presidency. Now is not the time to grow a backbone, as you showed me with the non-fillibuster of Alito, you can indeed reclaim your mantle as the party of pussies!”