Friday, January 13, 2006

Celebrity Experts Agree: Pitt/Jolie Baby is Going to Make Cruise/Holmes Kid Look Like a Real Uggo


Celebrity experts from across the country feel the baby produced from the union of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie has the potential to be so beautiful, that even the expected child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will look hideous in comparison.

Sally Strathmore, Professor of Celebrity Studies at the Off Ramp Internet College in Kingman, AZ said that it is rare for two of the most attractive people in the world to reproduce. “Usually a guy that good looking is gay,” said Strathmore. “This is kind of a once-in-a century event and at the present time we have no means of measuring beauty of this magnitude. We think it may glow. We were all focused on that Cruise/Holmes kid until we got confirmation that Brad had knocked up Angelina. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Tom and Katie’s child will look OK, but Jesus Christ, we’re talking Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie here! Any other kid is gonna look like Quasimodo compared to their baby!”

“It’s been a rough 12 months for Cruise and now this,” says Dr. Wellman Roth, Director of the Institute of Celebrity Studies and Truck Driver School in Hollywood, CA. “The whole jumping on Oprah’s couch thing and yelling at Matt Lauer, he really didn’t need any more bad news. Look, I’m sure he’ll be a great and supportive father, even when he’s stuck with a kid who’s not nearly as attractive as the Pitt and Jolie’s baby. But he’s gotta be wishing Angelina had never broken up with Billy Bob Thornton. Because he and Katie would have won in that cute baby contest - no problem!”

Lance Dundee author of the Celebrity Stalk column in the Weekly Natterer tabloid said he doubts human beings will be able look directly at the Pitt/Jolie offspring. “It will probably be so beautiful that your retinas will burn or something,” said Dundee, “you’ll need a series of mirrors and a welders helmet to view it. Poor Tom and Katie, I’m sure they planned on three or four People covers with their kid, but this Pitt/Jolie baby is going to force them to hide it now, like it’s a circus sideshow freak. Cruise and Holmes’ only hope is that the Pitt/Jolie kid is so beautiful that it can’t be recorded digitally or on film.”

8 Comments:

Anonymous Snake (a Cambridge kind of guy) said...

Hey Doc, you achieved the impossible: You actually made me feel sorry for Tom Cruise.

9:45 PM  
Blogger Grace said...

To be brutally honest: celebrity spawn generally are not as good looking as either parent. I think it's the result of some kind of genetic overload. The extra cruel thing is that the kids would be considered above-average in looks in, say, Cedar Rapids, but it never occurs to them to actually move there.

10:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

zardoz says:
hi ya doc ,
got any idea
who the god-father
will be,,,,
who would you support for the job?

------------zardoz

12:46 AM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

Am I the only person on the planet who thinks Brad Pitt is ugly? I don't understand what all the fuss is about. In my opinion, he is not goodlooking at all. And he cheated on his wife (Jennifer Aniston)! That's REALLY ugly.

3:55 AM  
Blogger sideshow bob said...

Tom Cruise is the ugly one...looks like a rat.

6:54 AM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

And he's short! He (Tom Cruise) has to stand on a box in the scenes where he's kissing his leading lady to give the illusion he's taller. Check it out next time you watch one of his movies. Either they shoot the scene as a headshot or look closely and you'll see she's bending her knees to appear shorter.

7:11 AM  
Blogger fallenmonk said...

You are assuming Doc that the baby Holmes is cooking is actually Tom's. Whatever, I think he missed his chance at any competition with Pitt and Jolie when he wasn't successful with Nicole. Just saying.c

11:20 AM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

I never thought Tom was that good looking anyway. He's way too pointy

...and arrogant.

5:03 PM  

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