Monday, October 31, 2005

White House Concerned with Cheney’s Power, Influence and Unquenchable Thirst for Human Blood


Sources at the White House say the Plame scandal has caused them to become increasingly concerned with the power and influence exerted in the executive branch by Vice President Dick Cheney. The sources also say they are becoming uncomfortable with Cheney’s status as lord of the undead, who stalks Washington DC for victims to slake his thirst for human blood.

“Sure, this is all focused on Scooter Libby now, but he was Cheney’s chief of staff,” said a White House official close to the President. “The whole Iraq war justification program was a Cheney operation from top to bottom. He said he couldn’t trust the CIA or other intelligence sources so he goes out and gets a bunch of bogus WMD claims and al-Qaeda/Iraq connections from Chalabi. It was really an overreach by the Vice President, “ said the source. “Also, did you know you can’t see Cheney’s reflection in a mirror?”

“President Bush looked up to the Vice President at first since he had worked with his dad. The President thought he needed Cheney’s help when he first got to the Oval Office,” said the source. “But once 9/11 happened, Cheney began to exert more and more influence. He had this way of opening a thin cut in his chest, near his pace maker scar, and making various agency officials drink the blood that came from the cut. From then on they were his slaves, providing him with any background information he needed and making sure he had a coffin with soil from Wyoming were he could sleep during the day.”

The source said the White House is reconsidering the role the Vice President plays in the administration. “This Plame scandal has really messed with our second term agenda, and the Vice President has to realize he is responsible for some of this, “ said the source. “His unholy thirst for blood is also distracting for us, as the Secret Service agents on his detail are constantly being utilized to drive stakes through the hearts of his victims. It’s not what people think their tax money should be used for!”

“The Vice President will have to understand that changes must be made. If not we will be forced to call for a daytime press conference with him in the Rose Garden,” said the source. “ I don’t think there is an SPF high enough to keep him from turning into dust. Let’s just say vampires are not known for their tans.”

Friday, October 28, 2005

Dr. Max Returns and Explains


Hey folks, how are you all doing? Yes it is really me, Dr. Max, not some reposted article from That One Blog’s past. It’s good to be back online again. For those of you who have not given up on the blog after having to reread yet another posting from April, I feel I owe you an explanation.

As many of you know, this is not really a “personal” blog. I don’t reveal too much about myself or my life, it’s focus is mainly on lame attempts at humor. But since my I.P.M. (Important Personal Mission) interrupted the flow of “wit”, I feel I need to come clean. To confess. To perform a “People Magazine” for you, my dear readers.

Dr. Max and his family have just returned from China, where we adopted a beautiful baby girl. Really. No joke (see, this is the problem when you try to get serious on a humor blog. Honest, I have the bloodshot, jet lagged eyes to prove it!) Our daughter has made the transition truly easy by being such a charmer, and even though we first met her only two weeks ago it feels like she has always been a part of our family. This was our second adoption from China, we have a son, now 6, who we adopted in 2000.

My wife and I are now in that wonder/panic state that comes with new parenthood. Wonder at the love that develops so quickly and is so deep that it is the only thing in my life that I can classify as a miracle. Panic with worry that our parenting skills will give her and our son the happy and healthy lives they deserve.

We have friends that have decided not to have kids and we completely respect their decision. I tell them that everything they fear about parenting is true. There is no other more exhausting, chaotic, and frustrating exercise in life than being a mom or dad. It’s just that when you actually become a parent you don’t mind so much. It is a surprising day when you and your spouse find yourself in a deep conversation about he quantity and quality of your baby’s poop and you find you’re enjoying it.

I am not big on advocacy. I figure everyone knows best about their own lives and can make their important decisions for themselves. However, if any of you are contemplating an adoption,foreign or domestic, and you understand the goal is to provide a child love, a home and a family, than go for it. There are so many kids out there who need love. Some people wonder if they will feel an adopted child is their own, from my two experiences, it all becomes a moot point about one second after you hold them for the first time.

As a stay at home parent, Dr. Max will now be knee deep in the daily chores that come along with a 17-month-old and also trying to get a 6-year-old out the door to school. I can tell already that I will not be posting as frequently as I used to, as getting our daughter used to her new life will take priority over blogging. I will shoot for three posts a week, if a day or two goes by with the same entry, just picture the doctor changing a diaper, reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar or investigating who put peanut butter in the remote control. I have no doubt however that our great President and his administration of responsibility will occasionally inspire a post or two more some weeks.

So there you have it, a true confession. That wasn’t so bad. In fact that felt kinda good. I should do this more often, reveal all my personal secrets to the public so I can attract increased traffic and sell ads. Yeah....I could talk about how the Snuggle Fabric Softener Dryer Sheet ads always make me cry or that itchy rash that won’t go away. Oh who am I kidding? After the rash, I got nothin’. I guess it’ll be just more lame humor. Sorry folks.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Thomas Kinkade's "Meth Lab in the Woods" a Poor Seller


How could I deny any of you another look at this classic post from 7/10/05? Well I can't, so please enjoy

A new series of paintings by Thomas Kinkade have met with uncharacteristically slow sales. The series called The Hovels is a departure for the artist whose previous light infused paintings of faith, nature, cottages and small town villages have made him America’s most collected living artist. The Hovels consists of three paintings, Meth Lab in the Woods, Crack House by the Viaduct and XXX Video Store with Attached Apartment near the Airport.

Tad Vanderhike, Director of the Kinkade Collectables Galleries which are franchised throughout the United States said he tried to talk the artist out of the new series. “I did my best, but Thomas said he wanted to deal with darker, edgier material,” said Vanderhike. “I think he felt he wasn’t being taken seriously enough as an artist. I said to him, I said, ‘Tommy, sweetheart, what’s wrong with a quaint bed and breakfast or a nice lighthouse at sunset, I can’t keep those prints in stock’ but he wouldn’t listen. Do you know how many of the Meth Lab prints I’ve sold? Eight....that’s right, eight in the entire country!”

Vanderhike was confident that Kinkade will return to his usual subjects soon. “He has to pay the rent,” said Vanerhike. “Look, the guy can make a picture of a Christmas Cottage and if you are looking at it you swear it’s really lit by the moon in the picture, he didn’t get the title ‘Painter of Light’ for nothing! And to be honest, he is so good he gets the same effect with that prostitute and the street light in the Crack House painting. It’s just that no one is going to pay a thousand bucks for a Publisher’s Proof so they can hang a well lit hooker on their living room wall!”

Stay Tuned, new post tomorrow....Dr. Max

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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Supreme Court Decision Leaves Status of Devil Worship Monument in Doubt


Dr. Max appreciates your patience in this time of reruns. We will return to normal programing soon. While you are waiting why not enjoy this post from 7/2/05? Thank you

The recent ruling by the U.S. Supreme Court allowing the display of religious exhibits on state grounds if the original purpose was not to promote religion, has left in doubt the status of the Devil Worship Monument in front of the Greensdale County Courthouse.

Greensdale City Clerk, Barry Lingman, said the Devil Worship Monument was erected in error on government property in 1965. “Well, Mrs. Daulsberg was the office secretary back in ‘65.” said Lingman. “She was the sweetest old lady but sometimes she got a bit confused. There was a film going around the drive-in theater circuit back then called The Devil Worshiper, I think Chad Everett or one of those guys was in it. Anyway, the promoter called to get permission to erect this Devil Worship Monument out in front of the ticket booth at the Starlight Drive-In, you know, to promote the movie. Now as it happens, we were also putting up a Historic Marker right in front of the Courthouse that same week. Again, Mrs. Daulsberg was just the salt of the earth, but she got the construction permits all screwed up and we ended up with that Devil Worship thing on our front lawn! Which, of course, we would have removed right away if not for Master Mephisto!”

Master Mephisto, self proclaimed Warlock Supreme in the Coven of Greensdale has filed multiple lawsuits in state court to prevent removal of the Devil Worship Monument. “The Dark One is my lord and I gladly serve him,” said Mephisto. “This is my religion and I must have the freedom to protect those symbols which celebrate it! My coven, which consists of me and my son Hank, will file as many lawsuits as it takes to keep this tribute to the grand tradition of satanism in our country standing. We take our religion as seriously as our septic tank repair business!”

Lingman said, “I tell ya, we are in a pickle. We’re not sure if the Supreme Court said it's OK to tear that stupid thing down or if we are now required by law to leave it up. We can’t really make head or tales of the ruling. We just wish Mephisto, and by the way his real name is Leonard Milton, we just wish Leonard would drop his lawsuits and let us do what’s right. Man, I’d trade places in a second with any of those cities having fights over a measly Ten Commandments Monument!”

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Monday, October 24, 2005

Guests in My Garden


Feeling nostalgic? Good! Here is a post from 6/26/05, dusted off and lovingly redisplayed for fans of vintage That One Blog

It’s always a treat for me to walk in my garden. Gardens are a way for us to keep a connection to nature. As I walk among my plants I see some tiny guests have joined me. I spot some small aphids feeding on my summer thyme. Amazing creatures. I watch as they climb from the base of the plant all the way to the tallest leaves. I spray them directly with diazinon, and watch as they fall, dead before they hit the ground.

As I walk by my hydrangeas I spot the beautiful Monarch butterfly. This delicate creature probably flew all the way from Mexico to grace my garden. I watch as it flutters from flower to flower, it’s orange and black wings catching the sunlight as it does. A quick fogging of the area with extra strength sumethrin and tetramethrin knocks the Monarch and several small sparrows out of the sky in mid-flight!

Feeling slightly dizzy after breathing in some of the fog I retreat to the bench in a shady arbor in the back. Here I see the lattice work of a fragile web, I also spot the spider that created it. I hear the sound of bees, delighting in my patch of lavender. An army of ants makes a line around my daylilies, which are particularly lush this year. When faced with so many types of insects, I find I have no choice but to turn to my canister of black market DDT. Covering the area thoroughly it takes only minutes before all signs of movement stop. The murder of these disgusting, dirty insects is worth the price one must pay in hair loss and bleeding from the eyes!

Yes, gardens are indeed a blessing to the soul. And if any more of these small “guests” show up, I plan on introducing them to my new pal, Mr .357 Magnum!

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Friday, October 21, 2005

Reason for World Naked Bike Ride Protest Lost in all the Nudity


Yet another repeat, lovingly brought back to life from 6/14/05. No need to thank me, just enjoy

The World Naked Bike Ride held on June 11th may have been flawed, due to the fact that all the nude people on bikes distracted from the protest’s goal of publicizing the world’s dependency on oil.

Matt Sugarman, who observed the ride in Seattle WA, said he couldn’t remember what the protest was about. “I’m, like, sitting there and three girls go by, totally buck naked! Riding bikes! If you’re telling me it was about oil, fine, it’s just my mind kind of went blank after I spotted the first nipple!”

Rebecca Collinsworth of Naperville IL, said several of the Chicago male bikers stopped to chat about the reason for their protest. “I should have been paying attention to what they were saying,” Collinsworth said, “I think they were talking about how we are a society that depends too much on gas and oil, but I’m not sure. All my concentration was going into not staring at their penises.”

One of the riders in the Austin TX protest, Burt Anderson said he hoped that riding a bike naked down a city street would show people that there are alternatives to gas powered vehicles. “The nudity is just a way to draw people’s attention," said Anderson, "hopefully some of them realize they can give up these poison belching monstrosities and get to work while getting in shape!” Austin resident Janice Tucker, who saw Anderson ride said, “Well I tell you what, I wasn’t thinking about alternative transportation when he passed me and rounded the corner. I just kept thinking the dude should keep an ass that pale and hairy covered up.”

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Thursday, October 20, 2005

Perry Mason Wraps Up the Case


Yet another gem from Dr. Max's archive, 6/12/05, restored to near mint condition for your re-entertainment

Paul Drake: Well I was there, I saw him confess on the stand Perry, but I’ll never understand how you knew that Barker was was the one that murdered Townlenson!

Perry Mason: It was quite simple Paul, once I heard Barker tell Hamilton Burger that he had left the Torch Lounge at 2:00 AM and not 2:45 AM as he reported to the Lt. Tragg, I knew that meant he had enough time to travel up to Mulholland Drive and retrieve the gun from his ex-girlfriend Dina Kraugstaff’s house, shoot Professor Townlenson at the lab and then return back to his apartment before the phone call from police to inform him of the the professor’s death, which he had said woke him up.

Della Street: I see, then his fight with Neederman was just a ruse!

Perry Mason: Right Della, he had been blackmailing Neederman’s secretary to give him an alibi in case Weirnheimer and Kenderbine every found out about his affair with Gotterdale’s wife.

Paul Drake: Then Barker knew that Gotterdale, Stevens and Thorsen were checking into the firm’s finances and would have suspected that he embezzled some funds.

Perry Mason: Precisely Paul, if Barker had known that Levinson had told Andrews about where Kraugstaff kept his gun he surely would have had doubts about the deed to the silver mine.

Della Street: Which means Haverlake couldn’t have been at the museum when the security guard said he was!

Perry Mason: Right, and that meant Barker was lying about the bonds and his tax returns from 1959. So Townlenson had to go.

Paul Drake: It’s so obvious, and I just couldn’t see it. I guess you need a new investigator Perry!

Perry Mason: Paul, don’t be ridiculous! I couldn’t fire you, not when you’re going to buy us all dinner.

Della Street: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Paul Drake: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Perry Mason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Critic Reviews Last Night's Dream


As you walk down memory lane, be careful not to trip over this posting from 6/11/05

It was with much anticipation that I awaited the newest dream from my subconscious last night. However, upon waking, I find that the dream was both unoriginal and disappointing. It’s plotting was confused and it’s images seemed arbitrary. This was not a “dream” come true.

The dream started with me running naked into my old high school, late for a final exam. My unconcern about being disrobed stuck me as being implausible and the whole “late for the final” theme has been done to death in previous nightmares. When will the unthinking part of my brain start producing bolder themes which challenge my perceptions about the world and my place in it?

Then, almost as if on cue, my mother appeared. She was wearing a catcher's mask and a pirate hat. She told me not to eat the telephone. Excuse me subconscious, what point were you trying to make? If I wanted a plot that made this little sense I would have rented Eyes Wide Shut again. At least Nicole Kidman is naked in that movie and not me!

And then as if to put the last derivative cherry on this sundae of clichés I once again found myself being chased by an unseen monster while my legs seemed unable to move me forward. OK, thank you REM sleep, but I’ve been watching this same scene since I was 8 years old! Is it asking too much to find a more original script?

I’m afraid I give last nights dream only 1.5 stars. Lack of a coherent plot and banality of themes makes me wonder if my subconscious really has the talent for directing these nighttime productions or if it should just go back to regulating my breathing.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

All Darthed Up With Nowhere To Go


Pretend you are time traveling all the way back to 5/19/05 as you read today's recycled post

I should have seen it coming.

When Sally Reese, head cheerleader, started flirting with me I should have felt something in the force. But I guess, even Barry Dunsnale, Vice President of the Reynolds County Star Wars fan club can be deceived by those from the dark side.

It was weeks ago. I had scored reserved seating for the midnight premiere of Star Wars Episode III, Revenge of the Sith (being a fan club official DOES have it’s privileges). Then all of a sudden Sally Reese, out of the blue mind you, compliments me on my Dr. Who backpack. After a majority of my Junior and Senior High life virtually free of any female attention, all it took was one comment from the head cheerleader to cloud my mind. She told me she’d love to go to the premiere with me, and that she wanted to bring some of the other cheerleaders along too. Which took care of all my eight tickets.

What plans I had for Sally and me. After the midnight showing I would take her back to my Mom’s house for some Hi-C and Chex Mix in the basement. Sally would watch as I typed in my comments on the Star Wars Fanboy Midnight Premiere Review Forum. After reading my insights on how Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader, Sally would turn to me, and lit only by the Hamm's waterfall beer sign, kiss me. Oh what a fool I was.

As I stood in line in my official Episode III Vader outfit, Sally told me she would love to have a Coke Icee from the Target across from the theater parking lot. Sally said she’d hold the tickets for the other girls. I, being a gentleman, told milady that I would be honored to grant her wish. I crossed the lot, my Darth Vader cape flowing in the evening breeze. But what did I see upon my return? Sally did indeed have fellow cheerleaders with her, but also in her company was Andrew Hansburg, quarterback for our school’s Fighting Hornets. Several of his comrades were also present. Four football players and four cheerleaders. Which meant we did not have enough tickets. And the screening was sold out! I asked Sally what was up. It was then she laughed at me, and told me to take my stupid outfit and go home.

My anger could not be assuaged. I told Sally that she was deceitful and that I rightfully belonged in that theater. There was never going to be another midnight premiere of a Star Wars film, I would not be denied! Andrew and the rest of the football players then descended upon my person. Let’s just say no snuggy has ever cut so deep.

So here I sit, at the curb outside the theater. I can feel the bass of the special effects under my feet. Life is cruel, I guess Sally has taught me that lesson. I take a sip of the Coke Icee and look up at the stars, some from galaxies far far away. The starlight wavers in the deep dark sky, a few from the heat escaping from the parking lot, but most from the tears in my eyes.


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Monday, October 17, 2005

Cerumenex May Not Be For Everyone


Like fine wine, old posts age to perfection. Today's post is vintage 6/9/05, enjoy

The Cerumenex Patch is manufactured by Tentacumed Pharmaceuticals. The Cerumenex Patch is to be used by those suffering from E.E.W.B.S., Excessive Ear Wax Buildup Syndrome, a term our guys in marketing made up to so you’ll ask your doctor to prescribe it rather than buying Q-Tips. Our advertising is geared to make you think this condition is common when all our studies (which we will never show anyone unless forced to by a lawsuit) show it is actually quite rare.

The Cerumenex Patch is to be placed on a shaved area of the skull. The highly concentrated drugs and hormones may cause a burning sensation or actual flames. Those with high blood pressure, kidney disease, asthma or who have a liver should not take Cerumenex. In rare cases the Patch was shown to cause, anal bleeding, liquefaction of the lungs, explosion of the bladder and a slight bumpy rash.....that will destroy all skin affected in 3 days. See your doctor if any of these side effects occur.

Women who are pregnant, who may become pregnant, who don’t give much thought to pregnancy, have formerly been pregnant, or who have seen someone who is pregnant should not be within 48 feet of anyone with the Cerumenex Patch. You do not want to see the kid that pops out if that happens, seriously.

In some cases the Cerumenex Patch may cause the mild to moderate destruction of the an entire city block’s population. Flee to a fall out shelter or protected underpass if Cerumenex exposure starts to kill over 40 percent of the people in your neighborhood. If you are wearing the Cerumenex Patch and are still alive, chances are you’ll be fine. Leave all close relatives immediately however, as continued exposure will almost certainly cause death like symptoms in them, including death. And you’ll forever blame yourself knowing everyone you ever loved is gone, just because you had waxy ears. Good luck living with that.

The Cerumenex Patch comes in tan or clear for sensitive skin.

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Sunday, October 16, 2005

The Renaissance Faire Is All Politics


Dr Max begs your indulgence and would consider it an honor if you would read this old post from 5/10/05 while he is away

Huzzah good citizens! Perhaps you have seen me at the Renaissance Faire, I am the Sheriff of Nottingwood, Sir Blanchard. Tis I who puts citizens who have transgressed the Kings laws into the stockade. Photos can then be taken of thy “prisoners” and shared for the amusement of family and friends. Tis a fine job, but thou has done it for five years now and verily, I was oft’ promised that I would be promoted to the King’s Court as the Earl of Standish. Alas, as this year's list of roles was distributed, thy got the shaft. I 'twas once again assigned to be the damn Sheriff!

Thy skills have never been questioned. All thou has to do is read the Weekly Shopper’s review of my role as Hucklebee in the Turnpike Dinner Theater’s production of The Fantasticks. 'Twas a rave, thou can see it for yourself just under the two-for-one coupon! So why have I thus been denied my rightful part? Politics good citizens, politics.

Is it coincidence that this year’s Earl of Standish will be played by the King’s nephew? Thy thinks not! Upon the telephone I called that son-of-a-bitch King and told him assignment of his own family to the court was nepotism clear and simple! The King then requested that myself I should screw.

Unjust I say to you! My loyalty to the crown has never been questioned but my King has gone too far! Thou will not accept his reign any longer! Not only will you not see thee in my role as Sheriff of Nottingwood, I will no longer play Marley at the Dickens Yule Bazaar and Craft Festival! Perhaps the King/Scrooge will get his nephew for that part too!

Kind sir and lady, do not weep for me. Will thy miss the smell of turkey leg and shepherd's pie? But of course! However if staying at the Renaissance Faire means subjecting to the rule of this tyrant, I must be gone! My pride he cannot steal so I leave content. As Shakespeare said, “My crown is called content, a crown that seldom kings enjoy.” Particularly Kings who are dinks!

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Saturday, October 15, 2005

Legislators Hoping State Gets Visit from Infrastructure Fairy



That One Blog deja vu from 5/9/05 for your viewing pleasure while Dr. Max continues his secret mission.

Legislators meeting at the Capitol say they hope the State will soon get a visit from the Infrastructure Fairy. State Senator Paul Beerson said, “We’re hoping that in this next session, we can get the Infrastructure Fairy to fly to us, wave his magic wand and repair all known problems in our aging transportation systems. It could save taxpayers billions!”

Beerson said, “The Infrastructure Fairy lives in a giant castle in the clouds in the far away land of Fa La La. If a State Legislature is good and it’s members chant the magic words Fix-a-Da-Dee, Fix-a-Da-Doo while turning around three times, the Fairy will fly down the Milky Way Trail and fix all crumbling roads, weakened bridges and ancient rail lines.”

Asked if reasonable tax increases might more effectively address these problems, Beerson said, “That’s a typical ‘let’s throw money at it and hope some of it sticks’ approach. Taxpayers are sick to death their money being wasted on projects like shoring up bridges to prevent collapse and laying pavement to make roadways drivable! That kind of spending can only lead to one thing: an investment in the future. Trust me, the Infrastructure Fairy will take care of everything, with just a wave of his wand of mystery!”

“Look, this is a lot like the Great Pumpkin in Peanuts,” Beerson said, “ you have to be sincere or he won’t come. All this whining about increasing our state gas tax or using toll roads, just shows the Infrastructure Fairy we are not serious about getting his help. How can the residents of this state be expected to maintain any respect for lawmakers if we can’t get a mystical fairy to cover us in sparkle dust so we can all live happily ever after?”

Beerson said,”If the Infrastructure Fairy appears, we’ll be calling upon the Deficit Gnome and the Education Elf to help us as well. And we might even hire a handsome prince to slay the evil Healthcare Cost Dragon.”

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Friday, October 14, 2005

Evil Criminal Mastermind Delivers Ultimatum


Here's another "Best of That One Blog"! Oh who am I kidding, this is just an old post from 4/27/05, put up because Dr. Max is away

Greetings, my name is Count Vanderiech. I have taken control of this blog. Oh, do not bother switching to another site, I am afraid that would be quite useless. For I have taken over all the Internet to deliver to the world my ultimatum!

Unless the amount of 40 trillion dollars is transferred to my Swiss bank account by noon tomorrow, I will use this laptop computer to launch all armed nuclear missiles on this planet!

Oh, it was really quite simple for someone of my advanced intelligence to gain control of all the launch codes, your Internet made it mere child's play to....wait. What the? Why has my screen gone blue? Hold on, get Phil up here. No, not Phil from shipping, Phil from tech support!

Anyway..I...if I can just get this reboot to work...I will certainly cause a great deal of havoc on all the....SON OF A... this stupid thing! Phil, thank God, what the hell is going on with this laptop? YES! I did a reboot! But all I got was the lousy blue screen...safe mode? O.K. but....DAMN, blue screen AGAIN....NO, I DID NOT DO A BACK-UP!!! I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS!!!

O.K., world, look I'll have to get back to you on the ultimatum thing, I'm on hold with the laptop manufacturer's help desk and I don't want to miss it if they pick up...HELLO? At last, yes I'm....customer I.D. number? What's that? All I see is a product and serial number, no I.D. number! No wait, don't put me on HOLD again I......CRAP!!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

The Secret Resentment of John H. Watson M.D.



What does Dr. Max do when he has to be away for a few weeks? Recycles old posts of course! Here's one from 5/30/05

It is my honor to be the companion and chronicler of the man many consider to be the greatest detective in all of England, Mr. Sherlock Holmes. His abilities of observation and powers of concentration are second to none! I aid him as a friend as he pursues his many and varied cases! I have made him somewhat of a celebrity by publishing accounts of our adventures in The Strand periodical. I don’t expect thanks of course, but would it kill him to say it once in a while?

I am often in attendance when witnesses appear at his Baker Street residence. I take notes as they lay the facts of the case before Mr. Holmes. He of course is busy “thinking” so he can’t take the time to be civil to these people. He is the great Sherlock Holmes, he can’t lower himself to offer them tea, some sympathy for their plight or even acknowledge them as they arrive and leave. No, that appears to be Johnny Watson’s job! Hey, I am fine with it, really, but I am not a butler, OK?

Then I get the privilege to sit with the great Sherlock Holmes as he mulls the case over. Now, I have the notes, I know what the witnesses said! So if I try to give him my thoughts on the case what does he say? “ Quite so Watson, you see, but you do not observe.” Hey Sherlock, excuse me for being a moron. Jeez I guess it’s a miracle I can dress myself in the morning. I've got an idea, why don’t you go shoot some more cocaine and play your damn violin, which you suck at by the way!

I’m not stupid you know, I have a medical degree for Christ’s sake! I also have a Jezail bullet in my leg from when I served my country in Afghanistan! I may not be a super genius, but I have slept with a woman! It just ticks me off, the way he acts sooo superior in that idiotic Deerstalker cap! And who always has the revolver when we need it? That’s right John H. Watson MD.! Not Mr. Brains! I tell you kind people, one more “elementary” crack and I’m going to tell that jerk where to stick his Meerschaum pipe!

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Where the Hell is Dr. Max.....a hint.....

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

President Bush Blames Democrats for Ignoring Looming Crisis of Accelerating Universe



While Dr Max takes some time off, let's rifle through his files to find this post from 4/28/05.

(Washington DC) President George W. Bush today accused Congressional Democrats of offering no new ideas on how to prevent the impending crisis of an expanding universe.

"In only 100 trillion years or so our universe will expand to the point where future generations of humans, probably on some type of space ark, will no longer be able to see stars in the sky," said the President in a speech which marked the end of his 60 city tour to highlight the problem. "Now I don't know about you but I think my future great grand kiddies deserve to have something to make a wish on!"

Although Bush has presented no written plan, Republicans have mentioned immediate funding for development of plasma star-harnesses, as a way to avert the looming disaster. "Let's start addressing this problem now, and not wait until trillions of years have passed and it's too late" said President Bush, "if the Democrats have a better idea let's hear it!"

Senate Democratic Leader, Harry Reid said, "Look, red-shift galactic spread should be a concern to all Americans, but I'm just not sure I'd call it a crisis. We have Social Security, Medicare, the deficit, and high gas prices which we need to be addressing, today! Frankly, I think that some future generation of homo sapiens might develop those gigantic heads and be able to, like, move stars with their minds!"

Tentacucorp Space and Satellite, a major contributor to the Republican party, would be responsible for developing the star- harnesses. Grey Peters, P.R. spokesman for the company said, "Hey, it won't be cheap. We have rough estimates that the cost for development of deep space platforms which generate plasma waves strong enough to hold stars in place, would be on the order of all known money on earth. So, we're ready to go when the President gives us the thumbs up!"

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Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Iraq Car Bomb Vehicle Unwittingly Pimped



Remember hoop skirts, bobby socks and dancing at the hop? Well this post first appeared a long time after those things were popular, 5/5/2005. Dr. Max is gone for a few weeks daddy-o.

(Kirkuk, Iraq) In a case of confusion caused by the insurgency, the Al-ILC (Iraqi Learning Channel) program, Upgrade My Vehicle of Transport, inadvertently overhauled a suicide bomber’s car. The program, similar to MTV’s Pimp My Ride and TLC’s Overhaulin’ features the free restoration of a car as requested by the owner’s friends or family. The program creates a ruse so that the owner is unaware of the upgrade until it is unveiled for the cameras.

“You know, we should have suspected something when we gave Fahad the cover story that his car was stolen,” said Ahmad Yusuf-Rahman, friend of Fahad Hakim, who’s vehicle was chosen for the show. “He just freaked, I mean like way out proportion for that piece of crap pickup of his. We were all like, mellow out dude, it’s not like your car was worth anything, and he’s all ‘You do not understand, why did you not keep an eye on my car, I curse you all as dogs!’ Y’know we were just trying to do something nice for the guy! I guess you never know about people though, even your friends!”

The host of Upgrade My Vehicle of Transport, Wink Al-Jamil said, “Hey, we were all in the dark about this Fahad guy. His friends had no idea that the pickup had 50 pounds of C-4 molded into the frame! And man, if we had known I can tell you that we would NOT have been using those blow torches so freely! The whole show was kind of a bust anyway, we put all this work into his ride, we do the big reveal and instead of a big emotional payoff, this creep just gets in the truck and takes off! Not even a thank you to the friends, leaves them there eating dust. What a jerk!”

Fahad’s “pimped” truck included a new sunroof, solid gold 20” rims and a custom stereo featuring titanium surround sound speakers with an 800 watt die-cast sub woofer. The vehicle’s target was believed to be a shop in Kirkuk but it exploded prematurely, killing only Fahad. Officials theorize Fahad may have turned up the bass too high while playing a cassette of jihadist death anthems.

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Monday, October 10, 2005

The First Two Rules of Fight Club



Enjoy this blast from the past, 05/04/05, as Dr. Max selfishly takes time off

Tyler: OK, these are the rules of Fight Club. First rule, you do not talk about Fight Club. Second rule, you DO NOT talk about Fight Club. Third rule, if someone says “stop” or goes limp...

Manny: Ahhhh Tyler?

Tyler: What is it Manny?

Manny: I think I might have talked about Fight Club.

Tyler: MANNY, you're kidding me right?

Manny: No, it was my Aunt. I visit her on Tuesdays at the home. God, she goes on and on about her back or her blood pressure and usually I just nod and don’t pay attention. Well, last Tuesday, I notice that suddenly she had stopped talking and was looking at me like she had just asked me a question! I guess I kind of panicked, and I told her all about Fight Club.

Tyler: JESUS CHRIST MANNY!!! You can’t be that stupid, I can not believe...

Stuart: Say, Tyler? Since Manny confessed, I better come clean too. I told my wife about Fight Club. She thought than when I snuck out to come here I was seeing another woman. Trust me, I don’t need THAT kinda grief, so I told her everything.

Tyler: Did you guys not listen to the THE FIRST TWO RULES OF FIGHT CLUB?!

Phil: Hey Tyler, me too, sorry. Told my doctor about Fight Club, was getting the ol’ prostate checked and it kind of slipped out....

Tyler: THAT’S IT! All of you OUT of here, I...

Mrs. Finkelstein: Manny! Manny Finkelstein are you down there?

Manny: Oh no, it’s my Ma! My Aunt must have told her!

Mrs. Finkelstein: Manny, for goodness sake! Get your shirt and shoes back on, and come with me right this minute!

Manny: Awww Maaaa.

Mrs. Finkelstein: THIS MINUTE YOUNG MAN! Tyler Durden, well it figures! You put my Manny up to this didn’t you? I bet your mother will be VERY interested when I tell her about this little club of yours!

Tyler: Nice going Manny, way to ruin Fight Club!

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Sunday, October 09, 2005

Ask Chef Max



The new fall TV season may have started but here at That One Blog, you still have a chance to enjoy reruns. Here's one from 4/29/05. Dr. Max is taking some time off. That lazy good for nothing....

Chef Max here, direct from the kitchens at That One Blog, let’s see what questions we have in the mailbag this week.

Chef Max, I’m a stay -at-home dad with two kids. Do you have any suggestions for a quick meal, that takes little preparation? We’re a family on the go and I hate spending all day at the stove just to make a lunch. Thanks in advance,

Harried in Hartford

I tell you what Harried, any stay at home parent can sympathize. Have you tried Kraft’s Easy Mac (TM)? All you do is place some prepackaged noodles in the microwave with a little water for 3.5 minutes. Add the powdered cheese, and voila, macaroni and cheese like mom used to make! Microwave up some hot dogs and you’ll have your meal problem solved quickly and two happy kids to boot! Thanks for the question.

Hi Chef Max, love your column!! My husband just completed his first year at a pristegious midtown law firm. To celebrate the anniversary, the custom at the firm is to throw a party for all the partners at your home. I’m a decent cook, but could really use some suggestions on what to serve for appetizers and the main course. Help!

Fretting in Ft. Worth

Hey Fretting, fret no more. An easy solution is to count how many guests you expect then go to a warehouse store and buy the BIG box of Easy Mac. Get a bulk size package of hot dogs too. Figure one pack of Easy Mac for each guest (or two if the guest is hefty) and one hot dog! Once the guests show up, fire up that microwave and you’ll have a meal the firm will be talking about for weeks!

Dear Chef Max, I am preparing to make Smoked Trout Rillettes when my husband’s folks come to visit in a few weeks. Do you have a particular brand of creme fraiche you’d suggest I use?

Confused on Creme Fraiche

Well, La Dee Da, Confused, aren’t you Ms. Snooty McFancypants. Creme Fraiche? I don’t even know what the heck you’re talking about. But hey, go ahead, make your precious Trout Nipples or whatever they are. Just don’t blame me if your in-laws are more than a little upset they got screwed out of their microwaved Easy Mac and hot dog!

Chef Max, are you a real chef? All you ever do is tell people to buy Easy Mac and hot dogs. Are you being paid off by Kraft? I have grave doubts that you have any culinary skills at all!

Troubled in Tacoma

You know what Troubled, why don’t you get off my back?! This is you: “Oh Chef Max, blah, blah, blah, whiney, whine!” I think your diaper needs changing you crybaby! And for your information smart-guy, NO cash has ever changed hands between me and Kraft Foods! Just pallets and pallets of rich, creamy, golden, mouth watering, microwavable Easy Mac macaroni and cheese...nummmmmy yummmmmy cheeeeeeese.

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Saturday, October 08, 2005

Some Lawmakers Express Regret about Reflecting Pool Drilling


Please enjoy this post from the distant past (long, long ago, 4/26/04 to be exact) as Dr Max is who knows where

(Washington D.C.) On the one year anniversary of it's passage, several federal lawmakers have expressed regret about their support of an act that opened the Washington D.C. Reflecting Pool to oil exploration .

Called the Reflective Pool Energy Initiative, the act opened the shallow body of water to deep well petroleum drilling. Senator Denton Chaplin (R-TX) said he was proud to vote for the initiative to help the country achieve energy independence, but that the smell has been a surprise. "I don't know, it's sorta like a sulfur, old tennis shoe type of deal," said Chaplin, "plus I do miss all those cherry blossom trees that died."

Representative Nelson Farthing (D-SD) said he also regrets his vote in favor of the drilling. "Well, I thought some of the pumps might look cool reflecting along side the Lincoln Memorial and the new World War II Memorial, but if anything they tend to be a distraction. Particularly during the well fires."

Tentacucorp Energy & Mineral, which won the right to the drilling (and is listed as a major contributor to both Chaplin and Farthing's reelection campaigns) said they next plan to develop an open-pit mine next to Jefferson Memorial.

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Friday, October 07, 2005

The Fountainhead Diaries - The Journal of Howard Roark


Set your Wayback Machine for 4/24/05 and enjoy this previous post while Dr. Max is away.

July 1st - Awoke early today. I did so on my own terms. I do not follow the sleep/wake patterns of the masses. Drove into the office with the usual horn honks and police chases, no traffic lights will make me submit to the will of the common man. My secretary was busy preparing a new proposal and didn’t have my usual coffee and doughnut on the desk. My secretary determines if she has time to get me a doughnut, she is an individual and as such her decision involves neither expectation or regret on my part. Still, I was kinda hungry for a doughnut.

July 5th - Opened the paper today to another rant against me by architectural critic, Ellsworth Toohey. He said buildings like mine are an affront to the agreed tastes of society. Mr. Toohey thinks these attacks will make me give in to the pressure to please the public. My work is my work, for people to take or leave as they so please. I don’t give a thought to the opinion of Mr. Toohey. The little prick.

July 8th - Met with Gail Wynand, editor of the New York Banner. Wants me to build a summer house for him and his wife, Dominique. Wynand said of all the architects whose works he reviewed, only mine possessed any true genius. I said I knew that he would say that, but his praise was not needed as my work was it’s own reward. He said he knew that I was going to say, that I knew what he was going say, because only a true individual would and what’s more he thought so too. I said I knew that he would say, that he knew that I would say, that he knew....and stopped. Several minutes of silence passed with both of us trying to remember what the hell we were talking about. I slowly backed away to the door and let myself out.

July 10th - Busy day. 10:00 meeting at the Farnworth Towers site. Then had to run across town for an 11:10 blowing up of my Weebly Field Building (the contractor had altered my specifications and used #10 1.5 inch coated screws instead of the uncoated ones). Barely had time to pick up the dynamite in between!!

July 12th - Another one of my buildings has fallen down. Officials want to blame me for trying to support a 60 story tower on a series of bamboo poles cable tied together. Bah, my vision called for bamboo poles and that is what I, as a creator, built. In the end a man, as evidence of his existence on this earth, has only the creations of his own mind. And if these creations are to have any lasting meaning they must never submit to any whim of society or law of gravity!

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Thursday, October 06, 2005

That One Blog Exclusive! Interview with the Monster from Lost, with Picture!



While Dr. Max is away please re-enjoy this previous post from 4/16/05

(Oahu, Hawaii). It sits in a huge director's chair, it lights a cigarette (specially made, as big as some of the palm trees behind it), it closes it's eyes for a moment and starts. "This is hard for me," said the least known cast member of the ABC series Lost. "It's just really good to be back, for a while there I wasn't sure I would be."

It's the Monster. After an exciting debut in Lost's thrilling pilot, little has been seen of this creature. It's absence was thought by a lot of fans to be the fault of the series' writers, but in this exclusive interview we found out the real story. "The fact is, I've been in rehab the past four months," said the Monster. "It's the typical VH-1 Behind the Music type story," it continued, "fame, booze and drugs. I was pretty impressed with myself and the success of the series so I started partying. Big time. Big mistake."

"Look, we would have loved to show more of the Monster but filming with it was impossible," said Lost's Creator and Executive Producer J.J. Abrams. "The fans have been riding us pretty hard, but the Monster was just in no shape to do scenes." Co-Creator and Co-Executive Producer Damon Lindelof agreed, "The Monster was going through six or seven tanker trucks full of vodka a day, have you ever tried to wake something that big when it passes out?" Abrams continued, "I admit this took me totally by surprise, the Monster did a great audition! Frankly, I thought my biggest headache this year was going to be Tom Cruise on Mission Impossible III, with the Scientology this and L. Ron Hubbard that, but this rehab situation was a real distraction."

The Monster's agent, Morty Reynolds felt for his client. "Y'know the Monster cares," said Reynolds, "it knew it was letting everybody down. I've worked with some of the greats, The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms and Mechagodzilla! Trust me, this kid has their kind of talent! Unfortunately the kid also has a weakness for the juice, the crazy weed and the broads."

The Monster said he decided to go into rehab after a night of partying with some of Hollywood's elite. "Let's see, Lindsey was there, Paris too I think and the Olsen twins. Well, I scored some prime smoke and I got the munchies, you know? Before I knew what I was doing, down the hatch goes Mary-Kate. Or was it Ashley? I always get them mixed up. Anyway, the police come and I'm so out of it that I threaten to tear down the landmark Hollywood sign, so they let me go with a warning. But man, I just felt bad and I knew it was time to change."

"Like they tell you at treatment, one day at a time," said the Monster. "I'm feeling better now. J.J. says he has a lot more scenes with me in the final episodes, so I'm pretty excited about that. I know I have to regain a lot of trust around here but I'm sure I can do it." No matter what role the Monster plays as the season ends for Lost, here's hoping his personal story has a happy ending.

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Wednesday, October 05, 2005

A That One Blog Contest: Where the Hell is Dr. Max?


As any good blogger knows, the real world occasionally intrudes into our cyberlives. Wives and kids often have the gall to think their needs take priority over posting entries. Unless they have their own blogs they get on their high horse and demand you talk to them or feed them instead of spending three hours searching for a photo of President Bush where it looks like he’s sneezing. Crazy huh?

Dr. Max will be gone for a few weeks on an I.P.M. (Important Personal Mission). I could tell you what’s up but I think it would be more fun to let you guess until I return. So I’m introducing a new contest: Where the Hell is Dr Max? No, I’m not going on a covert black ops mission to assess Iran’s nuclear capabilities. No, I’m not going in for a final Scientology audit before becoming an Operating Thetan. And, although I was offered the position, I will not be moving to Washington DC to head up FEMA. Just put your thinking caps on and put your guesses in the comment fields. The one guess that comes closest will WIN.....my appreciation. Isn’t that better than cash or prizes? (The “Where the Hell is Dr. Max?” contest is for entertainment purposes only. Friends or family of Dr. Max who know the true nature of his absence are disqualified. Not legal in Maine or California. Taxes apply.)

Just so you don’t forget the Doctor, I have lovingly prepared some of my old posts for re-viewing. Yes, my greatest hits, the best of, the cream of.....oh hell, who am I kidding here? We’re talking recycled crap here folks. Re-enjoy some of my comic gems from the early days of That One Blog (spring of this year). See me use “jeez” for the first time, see my clumsy first stabs at Photoshop and realize how That One Blog has transformed itself from a lame little blog to a slightly less lame little blog! For fellow bloggers, do not take offense at my lack of comments at your sites, I promise, I will catch up with all your blogs when I get back online.

I thank you for your understanding in advance. Seacrest out!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

President Bush Nominates White House Pizza Delivery Guy to Head FDA


Continuing a practice of nominating individuals with little to no experience but who he likes personally, President Bush today nominated Frank Dupre, a Domino’s pizza delivery man, to head the Food and Drug Administration. Dupre’s delivery area has included the White House for several years. Dupre, who is currently attending Maryland Heights Community College, called his nomination, “righteous!”

In announcing the nomination Bush said that Dupre has shown a true concern for food safety when delivering pizzas to the White House. “Frank always gets the pizza’s here in 30 minutes or less,” said President Bush, “and he always uses a heat box, so it tastes fresh from the oven. I tend to order regular Mountain Dew on the phone, but Frank always substitutes diet Dew, because he knows I like to keep in shape. We josh around about baseball and college life when he comes in to get paid. I think our nation’s food supply will be in excellent hands!”

Dupre said he is prepared to head the FDA. “Oh man, the President, like, told me how much I’d be making, and dude, it beats my best week ever at Dominos, even with tips,” said Dupre. “I know a lot about meat and cheese and junk from making all those two for one specials. I better not get into how much I know about drugs, let’s just say I’m a normal college student, y’know what I’m saying? The Bushman did right by me, and I’m gonna do right by him, I’ll be all like, professional and shit. I’m even gonna wear a suit!”

Bush intends to fill several other federal vacancies with personal acquaintances. He is in talks with his cable installer to head the FCC, his personal trainer to take over the Center for Disease Control and the guy who makes his cowboy boots to become Secretary of the Department of Agriculture.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Bizarro Republicans call September Their Best Month Ever


Bizarro Republican leaders have declared that September 2005 was their finest month since they took control of the White House and Congress. Bizarro President Bush said, “We do good in September, nobody better than us, we best leaders!”

Bizarro President Bush was perhaps most proud of his response to Hurricane Katrina. “Me show how to react in crisis,” said the Bizarro President. “Me stay away and watch New Orleans flood from plane. Me goodest President US ever saw. Bizarro Mike Brown good FEMA director too, Me hire him! Him had good resume. Nation love how I stay on vacation. Families enjoy free stay in Superdome because of me. We Bizarro Republicans are the best!”

Bizarro Tom Delay also felt he contributed to the success of September. “Me indicted now, that good,” said Bizarro Delay. “TRMPAC money laundering my idea! Bizarro Delay smart former House Republican leader, me also take golf trips! Jack Abramoff good friend of me too. I make House run good, everyone listen at me. I is best leader Republicans had in Congress, me is proud!”

Bizarro Bill Frist also felt he contributed to the historic month. “Sell stock before it tank, me is way smart at business stuff,” said the Bizarro Republican Senate Leader. “Me almost as good at finances as diagnosing Terry Schiavo on TV. I tell everyone stocks in blind trust. I too smart for them though, that is why I running for Bizarro President! Base won’t mind me flip flop on stem cells, cause I so smart. Unless me go to prison, me be great leader!”

Bizarro Republicans hope their winning streak continues in October as the war in Iraq continues, gas prices keep rising and the Plame Investigation finishes up. “Oh we really great for running wars, creating energy policy and giving away CIA identities,” said Bizarro President Bush. “We will stay in headlines for sure, they say can’t top September, but just wait and see, we Bizarro Republicans, we screw up everything!”

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Record Company Executive/Devil’s Minion Will Battle Apple’s Jobs Over Music Pricing


Dale Sammael, Chief Executive of Diabolos Music Group and minion to the dark lord Satan, said that his company will seek flexible pricing when licensing renegotiations begin early next year with Apple Computer’s iTunes Music Store. Sammael, a soulless demon in human form, said that Apple Computer’s chief executive Steve Jobs needs his record company's music as much as his record company needs the iPod.

The iPod and Apple’s iTunes music store have proven to be more successful than Sammael and other devil spawn music executives expected. “Even my lord and master Lucifer did not foresee the iPod gaining it’s present 70% market share in downloadable music, “ said Sammael as he plucked the eye ball from a small kitten and ate it. “We are used to having total control over our music from capturing the souls of the artist who create it to stealing as much money as we could through the production and distribution chains. I have served my master, who sits upon his throne of skulls over hell’s lakes of fire and brimstone, well. We have used his tools of trickery to try to destroy all the true beauty that lies in music. We were nearly successful too, as those never ending series of cookie cutter boy bands clearly illustrate. But then this Jobs somehow out maneuvered his majesty Beelzebub by using some sort of reality distortion field. His damnable iPod made music popular again! Hell finally found a worthy opponent in the dark arts!”

“But revenge and flexible pricing will now be ours, ” said Sammael. “Mr. Jobs will live to regret the day he subverted the will of the Dark One. He will find that his iPods are useless without our music libraries! We do of course realize that, at present, we receive vast amounts of money with no overhead due to iTunes. We also know that listeners love iTunes’ easy downloads and the convenience of carrying an entire music collection on their iPods. But why even have record companies if we take away pure evil from the process? What fun would the music industry be without the traditions of payola and theft of royalties, I ask you? No, no, this shall not continue, my master has decreed it and I will serve him in his wishes,” said Sammael, as he distractedly poked a cattle prod at the bearly living body of a singer songwriter chained to his wall.

“Dark priests of Satan are now working on counter-spells to battle this wizard Jobs,” said Sammael. “This time we will be prepared, and he will kneel before us, THIS I VOW! Of course once Jobs walks in, with his stylish mock turtleneck, jeans and bottled water even us demons tend to loose our senses. I mean have you seen that Nano iPod, oh man, that is sooooo sweet. I’m gonna get the black one, it looked so seriously cool and....... oh my Satan, what am I saying? I CURSE THEE STEVE JOBS, AND HELL CURSES THEE!!!”

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