Monday, September 26, 2005

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, Stuck in Traffic on the 405


Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckoo. His father told him that story: his father looked at him through a glass: he had a hairy face.He was baby tuckoo. The moocow came down the road where Betty Byrne lived: she sold lemon platt.

I’ve been sitting here for 20 damn minutes and we haven’t moved an inch! Every damn day! Hey idiot, don’t you dare change lanes, I am warning you, so help me I will slam into that piece of crap you call a truck! Oh very nice gesture with the finger, same to you ya jerk!

He went once or twice with his mother to visit their relatives: and though they passed a jovial array of shops lit up and adorned for Christmas his mood of embittered silence did not leave him. The causes of his embitterment were many, remote and near. He was angry with himself for being young and the prey of restless foolish impulses, angry also with the change of fortune which was reshaping the world about him into a vision of squalor and insincerity. Yet his anger lent nothing to the vision. He chronicled with patience what he saw, detaching himself from it and tasting its mortifying flavor in secret.

What in the hell is going on up there? Can’t anyone drive anymore? If any of these morons would just pay attention while they’re driving! But no, they gotta drink coffee, talk on the phone and cause trucks to jackknife over 4 lanes! Move it you idiot! The car ahead of you pulled up 10 minutes ago, Jesus H. Christ!

O grave, where is thy victory?
O death, where is thy sting?

Every word of it was for him. Against his sin, foul and secret, the whole wrath of God was aimed. The preacher's knife had probed deeply into his disclosed conscience and he felt now that his soul was festering in sin. Yes, the preacher was right. God's turn had come.

This is a joke right? Hey, let’s start repaving the busiest road in the state right at rush hour! CLASSIC! Just who is the jackass running the highway department anyway? And he’d better be stuck in this damn mess like me. God, I’m never going to get home tonight!

Away! Away!
The spell of arms and voices: the white arms of roads, their promise of close embraces...

Yeah hon, it’s me Dedalus. Right, traffic again. Look I can’t help it, WE ARE NOT MOVING! I don’t know, road construction, an accident, just a normal rush hour. OK, I’ll get K.F.C then. NO, I don’t know what time, that’s what I’m trying to tell you! Look, don’t start, I’ve been sitting on this damn highway for two hours now, I don’t need a lecture OK? Fine, whatever, GOODBYE! Son of a....I swear, with gas prices at $3.00 and traffic like this I should just use the bus! I tell ya, it’s a pretty sad state of affairs in this country when a man actually has to consider using mass transit! OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, EVER HEARD OF A SIGNAL SHIT FOR BRAINS?!

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Saturday, September 24, 2005

Happy Fall, From Dr. Max


Hey everyone, how are you doing? Dr. Max here. Just wanted to drop by the ol’ blog to say hi. So, hi. It has been a while since we chatted. What’s new? Really? Is that so? Well I NEVER!

Some of you may have noticed the Doctor has slacked off a bit from his daily entries. I wish I had a good excuse, but I’ve just been taking a break from the computer. I was starting to dream about posts and jpgs and there has been some activity in real world that needed attention. I must say it has been nice to go a whole day without surfing, to not even turn the computer on. I forgot that sometimes it’s just pleasant to read and think and contemplate. I have not given up, but I do want to rest the my noodle for a bit. I will also have a task next month that is probably going to keep me away from the blog for several weeks, so you may have to look at some reruns for a bit. I will explain all in due time, so I hope you’ll be understanding.

Boy, my Packers suck this year. If I hadn’t mentioned it before, I am a lifelong fan of the historic Green and Gold. Yes, one of THOSE. A cheese hat wearing, Lombardi worshiping, Favre shrine building, Lambeau Field parking lot kissing, Packer fan. Actually watching their ineptness this year (NFL Sunday Ticket) has a great sense of nostalgia for me. I grew up with the 70’s Packers, the teams that came after the 60’s legends. The 70’s Packers also sucked, to such an extent that light often could not escape Green Bay. So I’m used to bad football. Sometimes you are stuck with teams who come out on the field and seem to do everything they can to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Perhaps they will turn things around, but if not it’s OK....I’ve got beer.

Have been watching some of the new fall shows. Nothing has bowled me over yet. Alien invasion and forensic dramas seem particularly popular this year. Have watched Threshold and Invasion but have not seen Surface yet. Not sure what’s up with all these alien shows, perhaps they expected War of the Worlds to have done better box office. After having been burned by the X-Files, with it’s black oil, the grays, the corn, the bees and Muldar’s sister; all turning into a confusing mess by the last season (I doubt even it’s creator Chris Carter understood all the show's mythology), I am reluctant to follow the these new alien white rabbits down the hole. Threshold seems creepy, but I don’t know if I want to put in the effort. Bones seems to be Fox’s entry into the gross out forensic field not covered by the 18 existing CSI shows. I was with this show until they gathered around a 3-D hologram computer that recreates what a victim looked like from their skeleton. I’m sure it is an attempt to do the “what happened” sequences in a different way, but it is just so cringingly unrealistic. I keep expecting to see them display the route the Luke should use to destroy the Death Star.

Man, what is left to say to the poor citizens of the gulf coast? Hey God, enough already, give them a break!! Once again our thoughts go out to everyone down south in the path of Rita. Keep donating folks, we have more people that need help now. Let’s get this hurricane season over with and let these states dry out and rebuild!

Well enough out of me. As always, thanks for stopping by. Dr Max and That One Blog appreciate your patronage. I have to go to the store now, the Packers play Sunday and I only have 2 six packs of amber ale in the house! If they play like last week, that’s not enough to get me to halftime.

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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

President Will Only Take A Three Day Weekend As 2nd Deadly Hurricane Threatens Gulf States


President George W. Bush has vowed to take only a three day weekend as the category 5 hurricane Rita heads for landfall in Texas late Friday or early Saturday. The President, who was criticized for staying on vacation throughout hurricane Katrina’s landfall and aftermath, said he will leave Friday morning so he can be ready, bright and bushy tailed, on Monday to help manage Rita’s response.

“I’ve got a lot of raking to get done at the ranch, I may even leave for Crawford Thursday night. I want to make sure I get everything up under that oak by the barn on Friday morning,” said President Bush. “Who knows where this thing is headed once it hits the Texas coast, I’ve got to make sure I’ve got my shutters up and all the down spouts around the main house are clear. There’s also that dripping faucet I promised Laura I’d get to before I left early the last time. I think Saturday, weather permitting, I’ll go down to the True Value and get a new washer set. The chore jar is pretty darn full, so I’ll be busy up until the Cowboys kickoff Sunday, they’ll be playing the Niners in San Francisco, so the game shouldn’t be effected.”

The President said he learned some lessons from Katrina. “We will have supplies in place this time, really. Brownie at FEMA assures me....wait, oh yeah, I fired that sorry sack of....who’s in charge there again? That Coast Guard dude, damn I just talked to him, what is his name? Well whoever he is assures me we are ready to go on this one. Damn it, this is so frustrating, now I’ll be trying to remember that guy’s name all weekend!”

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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Cato Institute Relocates Headquarters to Superdome


The Cato Institute, a public policy research foundation, has moved it’s headquarters from Washington DC to the Superdome in New Orleans Louisiana. The Institute, which seeks to promote the ideals of limited government, individual liberty and free markets, feel the Superdome has come to symbolize what can happen when these principles become more accepted in America.

“The response to hurricane Katrina is really just a taste of what we can expect if our goals are more fully embraced in this country, “ said Dr. Steven Candlebary a director of policy promotion for the Cato Institute. “We wanted to move into this magnificent edifice as soon as possible, it has so come to symbolize what we feel is the proper role of government: that of an ineffectual and dysfunctional agent which no one can rely on. When we saw all the people outside here a few weeks ago, begging for food, water and rescue, it was what we at Cato had so long dreamed of for this country! What finer place than here to continue our campaign to promote less generational responsibility for all Americans?”

Candlebary said that moving into the Superdome was not a problem. “We have so many contacts within the administration and Republican controlled congress that we hardly had to lift a finger, “ said Candlebary. “We’ve had FEMA and the National Guard to help us with the boxes, and the Department of Homeland Security helicopters have been a big help with commuting. Now, a lot of folks would be squeamish about the conditions in here, the lack of air conditioning, the stench from the bathrooms which still have no running water, and the occasional bloated corpse that pops up, but we LOVE it. As we like to say at Cato, ‘Every man and his wallet for himself’, government has no business getting in the way of nature killing it’s citizens!”

Candlebary said the Cato Institute is excited to see Karl Rove as the head of recovery efforts in the gulf. “Karl is our kinda guy,” said Candlebary, “he knows that this disaster is an unequaled opportunity to push our selfish agenda forward. The more we spend on the Republican donor’s companies to rebuild this area, the more we can push for Social Security private accounts, less farm subsidies, and the elimination of Medicare! It’s really a win, win all around......well, except for all the dead people. But you can’t make an omelet unless you crack a few eggs, am I right?”

“I have a dream,“ said Candlebary. “I think this is the dawn of a new age in this country. Soon the federal government will exist no more, we chosen few will rule as befits our wealth and station in society, enjoying the luxuries that are denied us at present because of the tax money we have to pay in. The rest of the country will live outside our golden palaces, like this beautiful Superdome. They will fight amongst themselves for the few dogs and cats that will soon be the only source of meat, unless they want to go the Soylent Green route. We can make it happen if we all work hard enough!”

The Cato Institute is a nonprofit, tax exempt educational institute.

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Friday, September 16, 2005

Excerpt From Keith Richard’s First Children’s Book


The Rolling Stones' legendary rhythm guitarist Keith Richards has just authored a new children’s book, I Think It’s Bloody Tuesday. Richards follows Madonna and other celebrities in this, his first book aimed at the youth market. The release is meant to coincide with the Stones' "A Bigger Bang" tour:

ZZZZZZZxyl...cough....Whoa...what the hell are you kids doing in my hotel room? SECURITY! Securi....oh good God...that bloody children’s book. Cough, hack wheeze....Jesus....pass me those Marlboros lad. Cheers mate. Ohhhhh yeah...a good morning fag really gets a day started right. What day is this anyway? I think it’s bloody Tuesday. Yeah, there’s five days in the week kids, Monday and Tuesday .....and whatever. I mean when you’re on tour it’s bus to stage, stage to bus, bus to hotel, who the hell can remember what flippin’ day it is? I tell ya kids, I thought Mick would never finish last night. I’m no wanker, as long as I time the meds correctly I can keep up, but that bloody queen was up there poncing about for TWO damn encores!

ALRIGHT, NOBODY MOVE! Where’s my bleedin' wallet? Damn it, I knew that groupie looked shifty, now I gotta cancel all my cards again, third time this week and...oh wait, never mind, I had it me shorts all along.

Anyway...what was I saying? Oh yeah, like Uncle Keith always says, don’t do drugs. Unless you have an iron metabolism like moi. Hell, if most adults tried to match the dosages I intake before bloody brunch, they’d be waking up brown bread in a morgue somewhere. Janis, Jimmy, pikers all, am I right? Take last night for instance, I have no recollection of anything I did after the show, but listen to this peronal recorder I keep by the bedside....oops, close your ears little ones, that’s me and the groupie, let me fast forward.....no, not that, that’s me snoring.....that’s me having a chunder....oh, here we go, hear that riff? Thing of beauty that. It’s going to make me another million dollars and I was off one’s face when I did it! I’m like one of those biological freaks kids, so don’t be mucking about with this stuff, blokes like me are as rare as hen’s teeth!

You, boy...hand me that bottle of....ahh....water. “Vodka” is Russian for water. Blimey, doing a kids book is easier than I thought. Mmmmm, there we go....feeling better already. Now kids, I may be crinkly but remember, rock will keep you young. You see all these pussy bands they have out there today? Little MTV props is all they are. Now don’t get me wrong, the Stones will put on a show, but we studied the history right? Your blues, your country, even a little jazz. These bands today are like those over recopied cartoons you find in office cubes, a bad copy of a bad band that was bad copy of another bad band. We may be old, but we got more authenticity than ninety percent of those crack-handed groups out there today!

OK, kids, Uncle Keith needs a kip, you got me up at bloody noon for Christ’s sake. Got another show tonight and I am knackered. You can let yourselves out...and before you get any ideas, the wallet is staying in my shorts! Oh and one last thing, don’t drink and drive kids. That’s why God invented chauffeurs. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

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Thursday, September 15, 2005

Our First DVD President


It's a standing joke among the president's top aides: who gets to deliver the bad news? Warm and hearty in public, Bush can be cold and snappish in private, and aides sometimes cringe before the displeasure of the president of the United States....Some White House staffers were watching the evening news and thought the president needed to see the horrific reports coming out of New Orleans. Counselor Dan Bartlett made up a DVD of the newscasts so Bush could see them in their entirety as he flew down to the Gulf Coast the next morning on Air Force One. - Newsweek

From: Chief of Staff Andrew Card
To: All West Wing Staff
Subject: The use of issue DVDs to aid President Bush in being President.

As most of you know, President Bush is proud of his record of ignoring the main stream media and relying on us, his staff, to provide him with information that is vital to do his job. There has been some confusion recently on the President's preferred source of information: the issue DVD. Following are some general guidelines and examples to guide you in your DVD creations.

First, it is important to remember that President Bush is not the first Chief Executive to rely on an entertainment medium to show him how to do his job. It is believed that President Lincoln’s staff often employed puppet shows that included vital information on the status of the Union Army to help him make decisions during the the Civil War. There are reports that FDR’s staff hired Columbia to include munition and troop strength figures in specially made Three Stooges (favorites of FDR) shorts.

Please use standard DVD-R or DVD+R formats for creating your issue DVDs! DVD-RW and DVD+RW discs do not work correctly in the Air Force One player, and the President gets angry and will throw the malfunctioning discs at the nearest aide! DVD cuts smart.

Get to the point! When you need the President to understand the importance of an issue, do it quickly and succinctly. For instance, in the Katrina DVDs we went right to people crying for food and water outside the Superdome, folks holding signs on their roofs and corpses in the water. The President will switch over to ESPN unless you lead with the good stuff.

Make sure to edit the commercials out. As any of you who were stuck on the President’s 60 city tour to promote Floam can attest, don’t let him see any infomercials! The President has a weakness these types of products. It took Vice President Cheney, Karl Rove and myself almost a week to convince him not to include a recommendation for the Ronco Dial-O-Matic food slicer in his State of the Union speech.

Make sure, if you are creating an issue DVD, that you clearly mark it as such! The President had planes in the air, NORAD at Defcon 1 and was two minutes away from delivering a speech to the nation before we realized somebody had given him a copy of Independence Day by mistake. Apparently the President thought this was a some sort of military status briefing and is not as familiar, as most of us are, with the many credits of actor Will Smith.

Please keep these points in mind as you create your issue DVD. Our President is relying on your knowledge of the outside world as well as your skills with Adobe Premiere to to help us in continuing our incredible record of success. Also, if you include a bag of microwave popcorn with your DVD it will probably get watched sooner.

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Monday, September 12, 2005

If My Wife Orders One More Piece of Crap from the Harriet Carter Catalog, I’m Outta Here


OK that’s it! I swear, if that woman orders one more piece of crap from the Harriet Carter catalog, I’m outta here! I mean it, I’ll pack up that dad-blamed Rolling Leather Satchel (pg. 82) and I’ll hit the road!

It’s not like I had a great deal of expectations about my retirement. I was just looking forward to spending my later years with the wife at home, none of that “jetting off to Paris” or “getting an RV” idiocy for me! And it was working out pretty well too, until that damn Harriet Carter catalog showed up in the mail. Now, my wife has always been a sensible woman, but she just fell in love with this thing. She oooo’ed and ahhhh’ed over all the items. When I looked, all I saw was a bunch of junk you’d have trouble unloading at a garage sale, and I told her so. She just smiled and I thought that was that.

I should have realized what was going on when my birthday arrived soon after and I received a pair of Farting Slippers (pg. 99). They are slippers with Old Fart printed on the top and some whoopee cushion contraptions in the heels. They fart as you walk. Hilarious dear. A real gut buster. OK, so, one bad gift, no big deal right?

Then, gradually, more Harriet Carter junk started appearing around the house, an Adjustable Tilt Top Table (pg. 53) to bring that nursing home feel right to our own bedroom. A fake Security “Camera” (pg. 83) which is suppose to scare off really dumb thieves who a.) wouldn’t notice it was made out of cheap plastic and b.) would still want to brake in after they saw the house was full of Harriet Carter merchandise. The last straw came when I saw the wife putting a Tree Face (pg. 7) on the oak out front, to make it look like one of those talking trees from the Wizard of Oz! Good God, now she wanted to advertise to the neighborhood that she’d lost her mind!

I’ve taken to intercepting the mail now so she can’t get her hands on a new edition. If this keeps up the only Harriet Carter item that will come in handy around here is the Memory Frame (pg. 88) for grave sites. She’ll be able to use it for my photo after I die of embarrassment. All I can say is Harriet Carter better hope she doesn’t run into me, because she’s gonna get an earful, let me tell you! And while I’m at it, let me tell that jerk Miles Kimball that the same goes for him!

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Saturday, September 10, 2005

Conservatives Want Nation’s Infants to Start Getting Serious About This Debt


Conservative watchdog groups have joined forces to call upon the infant population of the United States to begin addressing the serious national debt. Conservatives say they believe the responsibility of paying off the debt is exclusively on these baby’s tiny shoulders.

Wayne Kelprine, of the conservative tax watch dog group, It’s My Money-Mine, Mine, Mine! voiced the concerns of many of these groups. “The cost of recovery from hurricane Katrina is going to be astronomical,” said Kelprine, “all these babies are going to have start making some sacrifices along with all that poop!. As you know our generation is the first to accept absolutely no responsibility for any costs involved with the War in Iraq, vital infrastructure maintenance or improvements to national security. That’s just not our thing. We’ve shifted all that responsibility to these babies, so they’d better stop drooling and cooing and get their powdered little behinds in gear!”

Kelprine said he was disappointed by the Presidents response to Katrina. “Jesus Christ, talk about over reaction,” said Kelprine. “What the hell is the President doing using tax payer money to fly down the scene of a national disaster four days late, when he should be addressing the more vital task of eliminating the estate tax? Is he some kind of baby lover? Where is this guy’s priorities? If he gets the nation’s sympathies up, people might start accepting small tax hikes so that all generations take part in making sacrifices that will keep our country financially strong. It’s madness I tell you! Let these damn babies pay for it all!”

Kelprine believes babies often use their inherent cuteness to get out of paying for the debt. “Oh these infants know how to use those big eyes and innocence to shirk their duties as Americans,” said Kelprine. “They get their parents all bamboozled and before you know it they’re not asked to do a thing for themselves, let alone pay for anything. Hell, half of them don’t even bother to feed themselves. Look I own two SUV’s, have you seen gas prices? I think the least these bundles of joy can do is cover my tax burden so I can buy a trailer for my cabin cruiser!”

Nathan Richards, a thirteen month old child from Maryland, thinks Kelprine’s generation refusing to accept responsibility for it’s share of the debt is unfair. “Buss....brrrrrrrmmmmm, wooobie bus,” said Richards. “Eeeeeeeeoop glllllgggllllll. Mama mama mama..urp.”

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Thursday, September 08, 2005

President Bush Revealed to be Actor Posing as President for Reality TV Show


The man believed to be President Bush for the last five years revealed today that he is in fact an actor named Trace Warnerton and was posing as President for a new Fox reality series, Our Lazy Ignorant Obnoxious Commander in Chief. Bush/Warnerton said he could no longer go on with the charade after the disaster response to hurricane Katrina last week.

Warnerton said he was hired to fool the country by acting as a spoiled and ignorant Commander in Chief. “It was set up so I would do these outlandish things as 'President' and we’d film the reaction of the nation,” said Warnerton. “The writers had me start a war in a country which did not contain Osama bin Laden, give tax cuts to the rich during war time and then do this bizarre cross country tour for Social Security cuts nobody asked for. I mean we were sure citizens would be coming to town with torches to get me out of the White House”

What we didn’t plan on was September 11th,” Warnerton said. “Christ, after that, I could do no wrong....the writers tried their best to make citizens turn on me, the Patriot Act, opening up wilderness areas to oil drilling, sweetheart deals for the Vice President’s former company, but nothing seemed to work. God, they even reelected me after we did that ear transmitter sketch during the debates....go figure.”

“I just couldn’t go on with it anymore after this past week,” said Warnerton. “I was going to get five million dollars if I made it through my second term as ‘President’, but I just couldn’t, not after I saw those pictures from New Orleans and the other gulf states. The writers thought that by ignoring the disaster and continuing my vacation, they would finally get the reaction shots from the nation they were looking for. But, real lives were at stake here, I was ashamed of myself at the end of the week. Imagine what I’d be feeling if I was the real President!”

Warnerton said he is not sure what he’ll do now that he is no longer the pretend President. “It’s not a bad life, they take care of you in the White House,” he said. “I think I’ll take a couple of weeks off, my agent has me up for a Lifetime movie, we’ll see. Oh, I almost forgot, somebody better tell Gore he won fair and square in 2000, I guess he’s President now, or Kerry is, I don’t know. I’ll let them figure it out.”

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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

President Bush Regrets Appointment of Old College Roommate to Hurricane Board


President Bush stated today that he regrets having appointed his old college roommate, William “Stoner” McPhee, as head of the National Hurricane Board. “Stoner” McPhee was named to head the agency not long after Bush’s reelection in November of 2004.

Mr. McPhee has come under criticism for the lack of preparation for and response to Hurricane Katrina. In a press conference days after the hurricane McPhee said, “Oh man, like, what day did that hit again? Monday? Oh wow...bummer man. Those hurricanes can be mega-wicked, I should call some people, dude.” McPhee later fell asleep at the podium.

President Bush said McPhee was an old friend, and he wanted to give him a break by appointing him to head the Hurricane Board. “Oh man, ol' Stoner and I really lit em up back in...I mean we really had some fun back in the old days,” said Bush. “He's such a nice guy, I think he was selling novelty items on the Internet, t-shirts, hats, bongs, that type of thing. I felt we needed someone with his real world experience to head the Board, instead of treating it like another bureaucratic office. Up to now he’d been doing a fine job, but Katrina really didn’t work out so well. I was going to talk to him, but his cell phone was cut off for nonpayment.”

Maggie Dunston, vice chair on the Hurricane Board said that she and other members have been disappointed by McPhee’s job performance. “Actually, job performance is putting it kindly, he hasn’t shown up for work in about a month and a half,” said Dunston. "When he was here, he would sit in his office, eat cheese doodles and play on the computer most of the morning. He would then leave for lunch and not come back! We really began to question his qualifications for emergency management.”

Bush will likely replace McPhee with another of his college friends, this time a fraternity brother. He is expected to name Dale “Kegger” Phillips to the post on Friday.

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Olbermann on Katrina Fallout


Busy day today. But here is a great article by MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann host of Countdown about the Katrina disaster and our response. Very well written, puts the Doctor’s posts to shame:

The "city" of Louisiana (Keith Olbermann)

SECAUCUS — Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said it all, starting his news briefing Saturday afternoon: "Louisiana is a city that is largely underwater..."
Well there's your problem right there.
If ever a slip-of-the-tongue defined a government's response to a crisis, this was it.

The seeming definition of our time and our leaders had been their insistence on slashing federal budgets for projects that might’ve saved New Orleans. The seeming characterization of our government that it was on vacation when the city was lost, and could barely tear itself away from commemorating V.J. Day and watching Monty Python's Flying Circus, to at least pretend to get back to work. The seeming identification of these hapless bureaucrats: their pathetic use of the future tense in terms of relief they could’ve brought last Monday and Tuesday — like the President, whose statements have looked like they’re being transmitted to us by some kind of four-day tape-delay.

But no. The incompetence and the ludicrous prioritization will forever be symbolized by one gaffe by of the head of what is ironically called “The Department of Homeland Security”: “Louisiana is a city…”
Politician after politician — Republican and Democrat alike — has paraded before us, unwilling or unable to shut off the "I-Me" switch in their heads, condescendingly telling us about how moved they were or how devastated they were — congenitally incapable of telling the difference between the destruction of a city and the opening of a supermarket.
     
And as that sorry recital of self-absorption dragged on, I have resisted editorial comment. The focus needed to be on the efforts to save the stranded — even the internet's meager powers were correctly devoted to telling the stories of the twin disasters, natural... and government-made.

But now, at least, it is has stopped getting exponentially worse in Mississippi and Alabama and New Orleans and Louisiana (the state, not the city). And, having given our leaders what we know now is the week or so they need to get their act together, that period of editorial silence I mentioned, should come to an end.
      
No one is suggesting that mayors or governors in the afflicted areas, nor the federal government, should be able to stop hurricanes.  Lord knows, no one is suggesting that we should ever prioritize levee improvement for a below-sea-level city, ahead of $454 million worth of trophy bridges for the politicians of Alaska.
      
But, nationally, these are leaders who won re-election last year largely by portraying their opponents as incapable of keeping the country safe. These are leaders who regularly pressure the news media in this country to report the reopening of a school or a power station in Iraq, and defies its citizens not to stand up and cheer. Yet they couldn't even keep one school or power station from being devastated by infrastructure collapse in New Orleans — even though the government had heard all the "chatter" from the scientists and city planners and hurricane centers and some group whose purposes the government couldn't quite discern... a group called The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.

And most chillingly of all, this is the Law and Order and Terror government. It promised protection — or at least amelioration — against all threats: conventional, radiological, or biological.
     
It has just proved that it cannot save its citizens from a biological weapon called standing water.
Mr. Bush has now twice insisted that, "we are not satisfied," with the response to the manifold tragedies along the Gulf Coast. I wonder which "we" he thinks he's speaking for on this point. Perhaps it's the administration, although we still don't know where some of them are. Anybody seen the Vice President lately? The man whose message this time last year was, 'I'll Protect You, The Other Guy Will Let You Die'?
     
I don't know which 'we' Mr. Bush meant.
For many of this country's citizens, the mantra has been — as we were taught in Social Studies it should always be — whether or not I voted for this President — he is still my President. I suspect anybody who had to give him that benefit of the doubt stopped doing so last week. I suspect a lot of his supporters, looking ahead to '08, are wondering how they can distance themselves from the two words which will define his government — our government — "New Orleans."
For him, it is a shame — in all senses of the word. A few changes of pronouns in there, and he might not have looked so much like a 21st Century Marie Antoinette. All that was needed was just a quick "I'm not satisfied with my government's response." Instead of hiding behind phrases like "no one could have foreseen," had he only remembered Winston Churchill's quote from the 1930's. "The responsibility," of government, Churchill told the British Parliament "for the public safety is absolute and requires no mandate. It is in fact, the prime object for which governments come into existence."
      
In forgetting that, the current administration did not merely damage itself — it damaged our confidence in our ability to rely on whoever is in the White House.

As we emphasized to you here all last week, the realities of the region are such that New Orleans is going to be largely uninhabitable for a lot longer than anybody is yet willing to recognize. Lord knows when the last body will be found, or the last artifact of the levee break, dug up. Could be next March. Could be 2100. By then, in the muck and toxic mire of New Orleans, they may even find our government's credibility.
Somewhere, in the City of Louisiana.


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Monday, September 05, 2005

Why Local and State Officials....Why?


From the Desk of Karl Rove-Copy for Ads Designed to Shift Blame for Katrina Disaster to Local and State Officials. For Republican Party Members Eyes Only!

Male Announcer: President George W. Bush has faced many enemies in his Presidency...

Female Announcer: (With Echo Effects) Osama bin Laden....Saddam Hussain...John Kerry...

Male Announcer: But after Hurricane Katrina made landfall he faced perhaps his most insidious of foes....

Female Announcer: (With Echo Effects) ..local and state officials from the Gulf States......

Male Announcer: As our President bravely continued his vacation, played golf and strummed a guitar, local and state officials were failing to fully inform him of the dire conditions caused by the category 4 Katrina. Many of them knew the President didn’t have the Weather Channel in his Comcast package at the ranch. Ignoring protocol, these officials failed to file the proper A4H-B preliminary aid request form with a 2k94-h2d supplemental addendum for the purposes exclusive to requesting military and or guard assistance! And our fellow citizens paid the price!

(Shots of the victims on roofs and at Superdome with pictures of local mayors and governors superimposed. NOTE: Do not include Barbour)

Female Announcer: As the hours passed local and state officials, using the lame excuse that they were on the ground dealing with multiple crises, still had not given properly notarized documents to the correct liaison officer contact for the Mid-South emergency FEMA district 21B nor the SouthEast Homeland Security Zone D6 crisis manger or subdivision head. And the flood waters rolled.

(Shots of victims wading through water, with text : Where were you local and state officials?)

Male Announcer: As local and state officials ignored the chaos on their streets President Bush knew it was time to act! He called off his vacation! He then valiantly flew over the stricken area...

President Bush: (Filmed on Air Force One) Golly.....they look like ants from up here. Very very wet ants. You get the photo? Good! What’s the in-flight movie today?

Female Announcer: While local and state officials stood by as their citizens went without food or water for days, the President courageously waited for the proper forms and requests, why wouldn’t they come? Why local and state officials?

Male Announcer: At last the delayed requests arrived. And although it was clear the officials didn't press hard enough with their pens on some of forms to create a clear triplicate copy, the President swung into action anyway! A mere four days after the hurricane, President Bush arrived on the scene, to bring badly needed supplies that made for a great visual. Isn't it time we question local and state officials about their poor filing skills? Well, unless their Republicans.

Female Announcer: In this mid-term election season, support the Republican candidate that supports President Bush, a leader in time of crisis! As long as you have the proper paperwork filled out!


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Saturday, September 03, 2005

President Explains Iraq Policy to Hurricane Victim


President Bush: Hey there fella, let me shake your hand. It’s good of you to help out these folks today!”

Hurricane Victim: Well actually Mr. President, this was my house, I was trying to see if I could salvage anything.

President Bush: Oh, you’re not one of them construction guys? I like them construction guys, we get along, I speak their language. Great photo op too, I josh with them and put my arm around ‘em, and make sure the White House photographer gets a snap or two. Did you see me with my arm around the fire guy in New York?

Hurricane Victim: Uhh..yeah. Say, what took you so long to show up here?

President Bush: Wanted to show up earlier, but my vacation wasn’t over yet. I talked with H.R., they said it was a “use them or lose them” situation with my personal hours.

Hurricane Victim: You know Mr. President, maybe if we didn’t have so many troops in Iraq, we could have gotten some help sooner. People are dying here sir.

President Bush: God damn it! See? I told McClellan it was a mistake not to prescreen the area for victims who voted for me! Jesus Christ, I might as well have gone down to the Superdome. So you’re one of those “Sheehan” type folks huh?

Hurricane Victim: Well, I’m not sure what good our Guardsmen are doing over there if we haven’t found any of those WMD’s you went on and on about. They really would have been much more useful here this week and...

President Bush: Now look son, it’s simple. I’m gonna talk real slow, over enunciate and laugh inappropriately, like a do at press conferences when I’m trying to defend some nonsensical policy that only exists to appeal to my base. We...are...fighting..them..(heh heh)..over...there so..(heh heh)...we..DOOOWNNNT..have..to..(heh heh)..fight them..over...HEEEERRREEE.

Hurricane Victim: But Mr. President, we’ve just seen untold destruction in three states, we have disruption of vital economic services, and worst of all, an unbearable amount of casualties!

President Bush: Exactly right! And thanks to me, it wasn’t caused by a terrorist attack!

Hurricane Victim: But this was worse than a terrorist attack! Because you concentrated all your energies trying to defend us from an imaginary threat, you ignored what everybody in your government knew was an actual danger!!!

President Bush: You victims are always so emotional. Look, this type of disaster is biblilogical! This was God’s will! God loves us, He sent his only Son down here to die on a cross for our sins. And for some reason, last Monday, He also decided to send a us a category 4 hurricane. His ways may be unknowable, but He is NOT a terrorist!

Hurricane Victim: Excuse me Mr. President, you do realize that makes no sense, right?

President Bush: After 9/11 my task became clear, to spread LIB-BER-TY throughout the world. To chase after the enemies that would do our nation harm, well maybe not quite as much harm as Katrina, but some pretty bad dang stuff! Of course, I could have chased after the man responsible, Osama bin Laden, but what oil did he have? No I knew it had to be Saddam, that guy tried to kill my Daddy, did you know that? Upgraded our Homeland Security Agency so it would perform well in a national emergency, funneled infrastructure money into it so it would snap into action when needed.....

Hurricane Victim: Mr. President, are you OK sir? Maybe you need to get some shade.

President Bush: ... and I showed Daddy a thing or two. I heard what they were saying behind his back, that he was a chicken for not going after Saddam, but that wasn’t going to happen to George W, no sirree! I’d show them all! I wasn’t going to let the prospect of getting involved in a quagmire or civil war scare me, I’m tough! So I didn’t officially finish my National Guard service, Iraq would make up for that! Privatize Social Security, privatize Social Security....

Hurricane Victim: Hey, Secret Service guys, the President needs some help here!

President Bush: Ah, but the strawberries! That's, that's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with, with geometric logic, that, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist....

Secret Service Agent: Yes sir, the strawberries, right sir. Let’s get back to the helicopter now.

President Bush: Maybe I should go to Crawford for a few days. I like it there, no corpses in the water.

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Friday, September 02, 2005

Desperate for Federal aid, Gulf States Threaten to Remove Feeding Tubes, Perform Abortions and Remove Ten Commandment Monuments.


In an act of desperation, officials from hurricane damaged Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana, today threatened to remove feeding tubes from brain dead patients, perform late term abortions and remove Ten Commandment monuments from their courthouses, in an attempt to get the attention of the Bush White House and Republican controlled congress. It is hoped the threats will encourage the government to provide Federal assistance

“We can’t seem to get them to help through the normal channels,” said Wayne Busbee, a state senator from Mississippi. “But then we remembered how President Bush flew into Washington to help that poor Terry Schiavo woman and we figured what the hell, let’s tell them we’re removing a bunch of feeding tubes! Now, we wouldn’t actually take anyone off life support. Hell, any of those patients that weren’t evacuated would be dead now anyway what with lack of electricity, water and food. And, if you promise not to tell the White House this, our Ten Commandments monument got blown to who knows where at the height of the storm. So we kinda take it as a sign from God to use it as leverage to get some help down here.”

“I swear, we got six young ladies here who want us to remove their fetuses,” said New Orleans parish official Landers Dupree. “I’m totally serious and not making it up, we are going to perform abortions on all of them! Unless we’re too busy being evacuated from the city, that is. Would you make sure Bush and his fundamentalist friends know that! Now I’m guessing that being rescued could convince the girls to go full term, that’s really up to the President. Also tell him we don’t really have an operating table to use for the abortions either so we’ve been thinking of using the Ten Commandments monument from the courthouse! Which, of course, he could stop us from doing by getting us out of this living hell. So, in summation, Bush rescues us, they go full term. If nothing happens, it’s abortions away!”

Alabama councilman, Jerry Waxdale said he could top the other states. “We got us a pregnant woman who Katrina impaled on a Ten Commandments monument and is now brain dead,” said Waxdale. “Honest , this is really for real, you ask anyone around here, they’ve seen her! This woman is kinda like a triple threat! So, we had better see some tents, some water trucks, food and at least one God damn FEMA official here by noon tomorrow or it ain’t gonna be pretty for this woman! And she is not someone I just made up out of whole cloth to get their attention in Washington DC. Nope, she is an actual real person! I’m just sayin.”

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Thursday, September 01, 2005

Donate, As You Enjoy the Mellow Accoustic Sounds of Our Own Commander in Chief


Hey folks, Dr. Max here. This is probably not the best time for me to be posting. I just got done watching the Homeland Security Chief Chertoff's news conference about the Katrina-Gulf States Disaster and I am ticked. Hey, I'm glad all the agencies are ready to help (which they took great pains to congratulate themselves for) and I understand the almost impossible task that lies ahead of them, but isn't this about three days too late? Seriously, look at my post from early Monday morning. If anyone wanted to ask, I could have told them what would happen in New Orleans if the levees failed, and I am not that bright. What were all these officials doing then? I think the President was so concerned he went to California and strummed a guitar. Shouldn't some local or national official have started this process on Sunday? They even had most of Monday to mobilize, but everybody apparently thought New Orleans lucked out. It's physics folks, water goes to the lowest point, it's part of the reality based world. Please, do pray for everyone's welfare, but let's get some levee support and evacuation plans ready to go BEFORE the hurricane hits.

Ahh enough! Now is not the time for griping, only the people in the gulf states have a true right to complain. Here's what we can do to help, give some money! Below are a list of organizations that will accept all the cash you can give. And remember, check with your employer, a lot of companies set up matching programs during times of disaster, maybe your company does as well. If not, suggest that they do. Let's come together and give. It's possible we've lost multiple American cities here folks, it goes beyond our fears of what terrorists could do. So let's show unprecedented compassion.

This is a list of charities culled from Daily Kos

Give

redcross

menubar_shield

logo

hplogo

UWogo

a2h_logo

logo_02

HFHI_logo_topbar

spw_header-logo

I am going to let this post linger a few days. The good folks down south can use every penny and this isn't the best time for laughs. Take care everybody.

Update: In checking the links it looks like some of them, particularly the American Red Cross are extremely busy. Be patient, it's a pain to wait, but at least you still have a house to wait in.

Update 2: If you would rather call.....from USA Today:

FEMA listed the following agencies as needing cash to assist hurricane victims:

• American Red Cross, 800-HELP NOW (435-7669) English, 800-257-7575 Spanish.

• America's Second Harvest, 800-344-8070.

• Adventist Community Services, 800-381-7171.

• Catholic Charities, USA, 703-549-1390.

• Christian Disaster Response, 941-956-5183 or 941-551-9554.

• Christian Reformed World Relief Committee, 800-848-5818.

• Church World Service, 800-297-1516.

• Convoy of Hope, 417-823-8998.

• Lutheran Disaster Response, 800-638-3522.

• Mennonite Disaster Service, 717-859-2210.

• Nazarene Disaster Response, 888-256-5886.

• Presbyterian Disaster Assistance, 800-872-3283.

• Salvation Army, 800-SAL-ARMY (725-2769).

• Southern Baptist Convention — Disaster Relief, 800-462-8657, ext. 6440.

• United Methodist Committee on Relief. 800-554-8583.