Wednesday, August 31, 2005

In This Time of National Disaster, President Wishes Nation Would Get Off His Back


What the hell do you people want from me? Jesus Christ, I cut my vacation short two days folks, OK? That’s TWO days of ranch maintenance down the drain.

Look, I’m not sure who you thought you were reelecting here. I am NOT Bill Clinton! Mr. Run-To-A-Disaster-To-Reassure-A-Nation would have landed in some gulf state before the winds died down and had all the press and the nation's resources focused on the area. I don’t grandstand like that. My ways our more subtle, like when I tried to lighten the national mood with my goofy guitar solo yesterday! If people weren’t so distracted by rising flood waters and the destruction of their cities, or even if they had electricity, I’m sure they would have had time to appreciate my efforts. Did I mention I came back TWO days early?

Besides, my administration’s strength has never really been in “leadership”. What my administration is all about is politics. Y’know smearing opponents, getting elites who contribute to the Republican party their tax shelters so we can get reelected. This was a hurricane people, act of God. Ever heard of those? I guess I could have ordered up some attack ads against Katrina, but what good would that have done?

And don’t listen to all those liberal whiners, “Oh, if you had invested Federal funds in upgrading the area’s defenses against this kind of hurricane perhaps we could have averted it’s effects and saved lives!” Play it safe, pussy Democrats! Y’know us Republicans are more like those people who frequented the floating Mississippi casinos that are now 200 feet on shore. We’re gamblers. Why raise taxes or invest for a disaster that hasn’t happened yet? What were the odds of a hurricane striking the gulf states? So we came up “snake-eyes” on Katrina. Don't blame me for the 4 dollar-a-gallon gas and higher food prices! You laid your money on the table by giving us total control of the Federal government, now you have to pay the vig. And no fair declaring bankruptcy, remember our gift to the credit card companies. Let’s just be thankful I had the foresight to give tax breaks to the oil companies in the Energy Bill, they are using the money to shore up their vaults so they don’t overflow like the New Orleans levees.

Yes, I can see the pictures on TV, New Orleans is vanishing under toxic flood waters before our eyes, but could you give a guy a chance to unpack?! I’ve got all my brush clearing jeans that have to be presoaked and then taken down to the washer! God, it’s like you expect me to drop everything and fly down there and head up efforts to save a city that is of major economic importance in energy processing and agricultural exports. Hey, give FEMA a call, their number is on the internets somewhere. These other state leaders act like they expect me to treat them like they’re the Governor of Florida or something.

Y’know I get back in Washington and all the stress returns. Can’t a President ever catch a break? Whole frickin vacation was ruined by that crazy Sheehan woman, then I gotta come back to the destruction of Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana! And don’t even mention Iraq. I got midterms coming up, and although I've offered to show up in everbody's district on one of my famous barnstorming tours, some in my own party told me to just fly over. A couple of bad polls and it's like I got some disease they don't want to catch. It’s on days like this I almost wish Kerry had won. Think of it, I could be in some trophy job in Texas, where no one expects you to do any work. That’s really a more natural fit for me.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

A Turd Blossoms in Baghdad


There has been only one question on the lips of Washington DC insiders this month. Where is Karl Rove? After several months of bad publicity regarding the White House leak of a CIA operative, Rove had vanished from the public scene. Until today that is, when he agreed to an interview from his new office in the Green Zone of Baghdad. “I guess I can make it official, “ said Rove, “you are talking to the new head of P.R. for the America’s Operation Liberty.”

Rove was assigned his new position by President Bush himself. “The President took me aside and explained since no new reelection was in his future, he needed me to use my skills to help us win the battle of publicity in Iraq,” said Rove. “With the car bombs, the insurgency and lack of running water and regular electric power, America’s image has taken quite a hit in Iraq. The President thought that since I was able to sell enough voters on an administration like his, I was the obvious choice to sell this war and the new constitution to Iraqis. It’s a challenge, but I love a challenge, “ Rove said.

Rove explained how he would approach his new P.R. mission. “Well first off, we’ve been initiating a whisper campaign against Abu Mussab al-Zarqawi," Rove said, “y’know where we have our fake pollster ask a Sunni if they’d still support al-Zarqawi if they knew he was gay, and was once a CIA operative working for the US. Then we’ll Swift-Boat him, I’m filming the ad as we speak. I’ve got some Iraqi army recruits rounded up to play former members of his cell, and I’ve got them saying how Zarqawi always wanted women not wear head coverings and have equal rights. I’ve also got them saying they remember how much their ‘old buddy Mussab’ always enjoyed getting liquored up, going to movies and dancing. I tell ya, they’ll have that guy strung up in a week!”

When asked if he thought perhaps the President assigned him to Iraq to remove a potential political embarrassment from his administration, Rove laughed. “Oh please, that’s just more liberal media smear,” he said. ”The President told me he had total confidence in me before I left. He told me to get out and meet the good folks here in Iraq in person. He insisted I go out everyday, without an armed escort, so I can get the real story of reconstruction ignored by the New York Times! Granted, I have had a hard time getting back in touch with the President, but the White House assured me it was just because he’s been at the ranch all month. What can you do? The communications in that part of Texas is more primitive than here in Baghdad. Pity too, because I had some really great character assassination tips for them regarding Sheehan.”

Rove said he will remain in his post until the mission is accomplished or he is indicted. “I really believe I am doing a valuable service for my country here,” Rove said, “but if called back to face charges I will most certainly flee to a non-extridition country where I have access to my Swiss bank accounts. Wait, I mean I’ll return to the US!!! Yeah, I’ll come right back! Can you edit out what I said the first time?”

Monday, August 29, 2005

Keep the Gulf Coast in Your Thoughts Today


Just a reminder to keep the good folks in Katrina's path in your thoughts today. TC Byrd, publisher of Hattie's Blog (one of my Prescribed Links), is doing a running commentary while she is sheltering from the storm in Hattiesburg Mississippi. She recommended Kokonut Pundits which provides a list of other hurricane bloggers. Anyone knowledgable about New Orleans and the possible tragedy that will occur if their levees are breached will hope that the good news as of 12 midnight PST, that Katrina is weakening, will continue. Good luck to all, stay safe and dry.

The Dog Days of Blogging


*Sigh* What am I doing in front of this CRT writing a blog when I should be out, enjoying the waning days of summer? Why, I should be out water-skiing, hiking, playing badminton, or cliff diving, instead of sitting inside making this entry. Well, not that I actually do any of those outdoor things normally, I’m just saying I should.

I felt something in the blogosphere last week. It was an almost palpable sense that every blogger wanted to be doing something other than blogging. Napping in a hammock rather than writing yet another post about George W. Bush’s brush clearing in wartime. Heading down to the lake rather than remarking on John Roberts' weird grimace-like smile. Getting those suckers off the tomatoes over making an href link to this site. Or maybe that was just me.

I think this time of year, as summer ends and autumn’s activities begin, we finally put to rest those New Year’s resolutions. The rowing machine is going to remain a clothes hanger, that novel is NOT going to be written this year and those Lotto tickets will once again fail to fulfill their linchpin role in our plans for early retirement. It is this annual period of self-revelation, that brings on a dog-days melancholy. And the only cure is a visit with nature where feelings of insignificance are expected and natural. (For those of you in the colder climates, there is also the realization that you better get outside now before the months of nose hair sticking cold begins).

So let’s all get out there fellow bloggers! Let’s leave our articles on the vine and let them ripen a few days. We’ll allow the last of the warm sun to toast us, catch up on the magazines that have been piling up and open a cold beverage or two. The internet won’t miss us for a few days, let’s ENJOY this Labor Day weekend away from these darn computers! Go on now, turn it off. Very good!

Are they gone? Good! While my lazy competition is away on vacation tune in to That One Blog for fresh, new content each weekday! That’s That One Blog! Open 24/7!

Friday, August 26, 2005

Every Human Being Leaves Florida Saying, “Screw This Noise”


Facing a second strike from a strengthened Hurricane Katrina, every single human being living in the Gulf Coast state of Florida left it’s borders earlier today. A note they left collectively said “Screw this noise, we’re outta here, and we’re not coming back!!”The unprecedented total self-evacuation comes after 2004’s active season which saw the state hit by four major hurricanes which had caused nearly 44.1 billion dollars in damage.

Jerry Carter, who retired to the Sunshine state in 2002, said he was expecting to live in a warm weather state with bright sunny days and cool gulf night breezes. “Yeah, it was nice the first winter,” said Carter, “but the rest of the damn time has been spent waiting in line at Home Depot for screws and plywood. I know every clerk there by name. I see Home Depot orange and protective tarp blue in my sleep!”

Wendy Lundgren came to Florida from Minnesota in 2003. “Oh what I wouldn’t give for a nice blizzard, “ said Lundgren. “I mean the cold and snow really messed with traffic and you froze your hinder off shoveling, but at least your home was still standing when it was over. My trailer has been destroyed 3 times now! It can be pretty discouraging having to track down which tree your toilet landed in after every storm!”

Life long Florida resident Dan Jensen said he used to be stoic about hurricanes. Jensen said, “I had a great speech, y’know the kind the media loved. I’d say I had seen plenty of storms and we just had to learn to live with whatever mother nature dealt us, it was the price of living in paradise. Well the hell with that! I’ve had enough frankly and I can’t wait to get out of this fricking place! It's obvious now that mother nature hates this state and wants us all dead!”

Governor Jeb Bush said he has talked to his brother President George W Bush and they are currently working on a plan to relocate every citizen to other states. “We don’t know how we’re going to approach it yet,” said Governor Bush. “We may just all go to a big state with lots of room, like Wyoming or Montana. We could also set up mini-Floridas in all states were refugees agree to live. Florida will go on, we’re just getting the hell off that damn peninsula and panhandle! It’s going to be a pain relocating Disney World , Cape Kennedy and all those voting machines, but we have no choice. The President told me, we can no longer afford to keep rebuilding Florida four times a year, no matter how many favors I did him in 2000.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Now On Five Nights A Week!


America’s most lovable but dysfunctional administrations will now be coming to a TV near you five nights a week! It’s All About George staring George W. Bush enters syndication for the 2005-2006 TV season as it continues it hilarious national run as one of America’s most beloved situation-Presidencies.

All the classic moments and episodes are here, now coming to you Monday through Friday! “You mean I wasn’t suppose to wait until they finished the goat story?!” from You’ve Got My Pet Goat. “Are you sure this codpiece is the right size?” from Mission. Accomplished? “Why didn’t you tell me the turkey was fake before I took a bite?” from Flying the Bird to Baghdad. And of course “Everybody lay on the floor so she can’t see us!” from Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Sheehan.

This crazy commander in chief will keep you in stitches every night as he works with his nutty staff of regulars. Gruff Vice President Cheney, cute and perky Secretary of State Rice and everybody's favorite curmudgeon, Defense Secretary Rumsfield. This wacky crew is always ready to provide laughs as their nutty high jinx lead the unsuspecting President into bizarre policies and unpopular wars!

Check your local listings for your daily laughs with It’s All About George!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Movie Producer Blames Audiences for Hollywood Slump


Just what the hell are you people trying to do to me? Do you have any idea what a seaside mansion in Malibu costs? No, apparently not, because you jerks have ticket sales down 9% and total attendance down 11.5 % compared to last summer. Helllooo sheep, get your Wal-Mart jeans wearing asses back in the seats! Now!

I don’t care what gas costs. And if you think ticket prices are too high, and popcorn and candy are gouging you, all I can say is boo frickin hoo. I am a Hollywood Producer people! I don’t give a crap about your damn problems. I have parties to throw, stars to sign and cocaine to buy!!! And for that I need MONEY! For Christ’s sake, if the box office keeps falling how do you expect me to upgrade the fixtures on my yacht to 24 carat gold?

Yeah, yeah, DVDs. Right. Well Charlie Six-Pack, you've been kicking us in the shorts in that department too, thank you VERY much. Just what the hell else do you have to do in East Podunk? Did a new Dairy Queen open? Seriously, put down your frickin X-box, get in your rusted out pickup and buy our new releases or I swear to God I am going to come down there, buy that last remaining chest freezer manufacturing plant in your town and close it down! Oh yeah, you heard me! You want to play hardball, I CAN play hardball!!

Oh you sons a’ bitches, DO NOT say the quality of movies have fallen! When the hell have you ever cared about quality? PA-LEASE, we gave you just what you wanted: epileptic fit inducing cuts, elaborate yet still unrealistic computer generated effects, all hung on a vague rehashing of a previous film’s plot! You couldn’t get enough! We had to stack the cash in the halls! So what made you so choosy this summer? And don’t tell me you are reading more books!

OK, you’ve had your fun. I had better see some better numbers for our Fall and Christmas releases in every damn market or you’ll leave me no choice. How do more Rob Schneider comedies sound to you? Or how about I sic Tim Burton onto a another classic film and have him goth it all up for you? How does this concept strike you: J-Lo musical? Oh but my friends I will, I WILL! That’s right, dial that Moviefone number now, good...that’s very good...

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Conservative Says Guiltdectomy Saved His Life


Having that guiltdectomy has saved my life. A fellow conservative suggested I look into it after I expressed how much stress I was under trying to live under my own standards of behavior. He said it was natural for a lot of conservatives my age to suffer with conscience when we deviate from the standards we preach for others.

It all started with the affair with my secretary. I can not tell you how many letters I’ve written to editors railing about how the institution of marriage was being endangered by the loose morals of today’s society. I’ve droned on and on about couples living together and the creeping acceptance of gay marriage. So when I started engaging in biweekly intercourse with someone other than my wife at the EconoLodge off Route 6, it truly troubled me. My guilt was effecting the excitement of the illicitness!

With the referral of my friend, I met with Dr. Charles Whitespan at the Medical Institute of Maryland. He said a guiltdectomy was a simple procedure. He explained how my guilt could be surgically removed, allowing me to pursue any morally questionable behavior while still retaining my self righteous judgment of any similar activity by a person on the left. I wept.

It’s been three months now. I honestly feel like I’ve been given a new life. It has made being a hypocrite so much easier! I can now use my tax cut money to fill my Hummer with three dollar gas, and not give a second thought how this money could be better used help our Iraq war Veterans. I can arrange for our lobbyists to protect my company’s off shore tax shelters, while simultaneously complaining about how Social Security is just another form of welfare. But most of all I can get have that mind blowing sex with my secretary while decrying how Clinton’s morals nearly destroyed this country. Last week I skipped out of my church deacon meeting to shag her for a third time! Man, was that hot!

Monday, August 22, 2005

Karen Hughes, Head of the RRT


For years, President Bush has called on Karen P. Hughes, his confidante from Texas, to help devise replies to attacks from political foes. Now Ms. Hughes, installed at the State Department, plans to set up "rapid response" teams to counter bad news and defend administration policies around the globe.
-NY Times


Karen Hughes: Charlie are you there? Come in Iraq, this is Karen Hughes from Rapid Response Team headquarters.

Charlie: Ahhh, Hi Ms. Hughes, this is Charlie in Ira...Jesus Christ!

Karen Hughes: Charlie, what’s happened?

Charlie: A car bomb, Ms. Hughes, just blew up a block in front of me! It’s the third one since I left the Green Zone this morning, oh those poor peop..

Karen Hughes: OK Charlie, we can’t worry about trivial stuff right now, I need you to get over to Al Jazeera and inform them that, write this down now,” the flames of freedom which were lit with purple stained fingers are about to become an inferno of democracy at the establishment of a constitu" SON OF A BITCH! Who wrote this?

Wayne: Uh, I did Ms. Hughes.

Karen Hughes: OK Wayne, you’re writing for Karen Hughes now, confidante of our great leader George W. Bush. You are not doing copy for Lone Star beer anymore, you got me! This is Iraq we are talking about, NO references to FLAMES or FIRE!!

Wayne: Oh, sorry....right.

Karen Hughes: I gotta do everything MYSELF around here. OK Charlie? Look, change the copy to read: “The dove of liberty, released with purple stained fingers will soar over a free land, at the establishment of Iraq’s first democratic constitution and yadda yadda yadda. Did you get that Charlie?

Charlie: Well, I’m not sure I can get through to Al Jazeera’s studios, some gunfire has broken out around...

Karen Hughes: Great kid, I have every confidence in you. OK, OK, let’s go people, put Gus up on the big screen! Gus you magnificent bastard, how are you doing in Guantanamo?

Gus: Fine Milady. Boy we sure have come a long way from that TV Station in Texas haven’t we? Did you have a chance to look at the footage?

Karen Hughes: No one can shoot pictures like you Gus. I did look it over, I think most of it is great. We’ll need to cut that footage of the interrogation though. Remember we want to project the image of a tropical resort area not a torture chamber.

Gus: OK, consider it done, did you want me to remove the screams?

Karen Hughes: Nah, leave those in, we’ll have the fake reporter say it’s the prisoners enjoying the new log flume ride!

Gus: You’re a genius woman, if you ever leave your husband...

Karen Hughes: Ha ha Gus, in your dreams. Talk to you tomorrow. Could somebody please bring me a Diet Coke? Thanks. Let’s go, time is money people, next on the agenda...

Suzanne: Ah Karen, it’s your son on the phone.

Karen Hughes: Ahhhhh crap!

Suzanne Do you want me to tell him you’re not in?

Karen Hughes: No...no, I got it. Honey, it’s Mommy, what is it dear? Uh huh, yeah, well being alone at college for the first time is hard for everyone dear. Yes. But remember what we talked about, you are going to be my brave soldier right? Sweetheart, it’s only been a week, I’m sure everyone does not hate you. Look sweetie, Mommy is very, very busy right now. I will call you at lunch OK? Now that is NOT fair, you are always Mommy’s number one priority, NEVER forget that. Right, at lunch. Bye honey. Oh man, I babied that one waaaay too much, same as the President. Alright where were we? Let’s go people, we’re not named the Rapid Response Team for shits and giggles, let me talk to Ariel Sharon!

Ariel Sharon: Hello Ms. Hughes, can you hear me?

Karen Hughes: I hear you just fine Mr. Prime Minister. Let me first congratulate you on how you handled the pull out, the President knows it was a difficult time for you, but we're confident that leaving Gaza will promote peace in the long run.

Ariel Sharon: Well, yes it was extremely hard because I....

Karen Hughes: Just one thing Mr. Prime Minister, if you could issue a release saying how much you appreciated President Bush’s support and advice in accomplishing the pullout, that would be great!

Ariel Sharon: Ah...well, I could mention the President I suppose, but I was the one who put his political career at risk while he was out bike riding at his ranch.

Karen Hughes: So you'll do it then? Thanks! And Ari, if you could, kinda frame it in our “spreading democracy” theme . Just spit balling here, but let people know that by the grace of the Creator and his Son who died for our sins, you were able to spread liberty throughout your troubled land!

Ariel Sharon: Karen, you and the President do realize I'm Jewish, right?

Karen Hughes: C’mon Mr. Prime Minister, don’t tell me you haven't skipped ahead to the New Testament, just to take a peak? Mr. Prime Minister? Hello? Hmm, must have lost the connection. Oh well, never mind, on to Afghanistan! Remind me people, what is the number one rule about Afghanistan?

Staff: (In Unison) NEVER MENTION THE NAME, OSAMA BIN LADEN.

Karen Hughes: Correct! God it is GREAT to be back!!!

Friday, August 19, 2005

Microsoft Introduces Dispos-a-Drives to Combat Worms and Viruses


Microsoft Corporation today unveiled a new product designed to help in their never ending battle against Windows worms and viruses. Dispos-a-Drives are cartridge computer hard drives designed for short time use. They can quickly be installed into a system bay and then removed once they become crippled with the latest spyware or worm. Microsoft said that each drive in the pack will come with a "worksforaday" logo which is proof the drive has been tested to be worm free for least 24 hours. Dispos-a-Drives come in 10, 20 and economy 50 packs.

Brad Stepford, product spokesman for Microsoft said the new drives are essential in keeping the modern Windows system running. “Look, why invest all that money in an expensive and permanent internal hard drive when it will soon be rendered useless by a worm like Zotob or it’s variants?” asked Stepford. “With Dispos-a-Drives you can throw away the infected drive, pop in a new one and be up and running in seconds! Of course all the data you’ve saved is lost, but we’re betting customers will get pretty skilled at recreating all their work, what with the all drives they’ll be going through. Plus we offer, at no extra charge, our new Data Safe storage system. It consists of a pencil and a pad of paper, where the user can write down all the vital data they want to maintain from drive to drive. We guarantee that the Data Safe pad will be free of any worm or viruses!”

Stepford said the new Dispos-a-Drives will be very cheap. “Since they won’t be running for long, we've given them a suggested retail price of about five dollars per drive. Of course for them to work successfully we’ll need to load each one with a full Windows operating system, which at present costs between one hundred to two hundred dollars depending on if you choose XP Home or Professional. We of course will give the customers a price break and charge their credit cards the full license price only after they go through ten drives! It’s a heck of a deal!”

When asked if perhaps Microsoft engineers should have spent their time fixing the gaping security holes in the Windows operating system rather than designing cheap hard drives as a work around, Stepford said, “Ahhhhhhh.....” When asked if the company’s size was causing internal political battles which hampered the engineering of a modern and safer OS, Stepford said, “Geez, would you LOOK at the time, Igottago!” He was then spotted sprinting to his silver Lexus in the parking lot.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Never Fill Out an eHarmony Questionnaire When You’re Drunk


Word of warning ladies, you may want to steer clear of eHarmony’s Relationship Questionnaire when you’re drunk.

This all started a month ago when Michelle and Stacey from the third floor convinced me to join them for a girl’s night out. Now I’m not usually one to drink too much, but El Tacorita was having half off specials on margaritas. Let’s just say I took advantage of the special. So the girls (laughing at me the whole time) call for a cab and give the driver the address to my apartment building, and throw me in.

It was still kind of early when I got back so I get on the laptop and start surfing. Suddenly one of those eHarmony ads comes on the TV. Well I see all these happy couples and the tears start flowing. Damnit, here I am, a career girl, pretty successful, but I’ve never been able to find that special someone. Don’t I deserve to be happy like the eHarmony couples? I open a bottle of wine (big mistake) and head over to eHarmony’s site. Things get very fuzzy after that, I remember dozing off, TV still on.....anyway the next day, because of the massive hangover, I forget all about the night before.

A few days later I’m going through e-mail and see this Personality Profile from eHarmony. What the? Of course at this point I just should have deleted the damn thing and gone on with my life, but no, I’m intrigued. They tell me the they can run this through the Compatibility Matching System and find that special individual that meets the 29 crucial dimensions for a successful relationship. So, long story short, I send the form in and they send me an e-mail address for Dale.

Now Dale seemed real nice when we chatted on line. Also when I talked to him on the phone. The only problem was when we finally met for a date at a local club, he came dressed as a Klingon from the original 60’s Star Trek series. He was NOT a Romulan! Trust me he went on and on about it. Although he seemed like a sweet guy, after listening to a half hour of how Doctor Who paled in comparison to Start Trek, I was ready to tunnel out through the dance floor with my dinner spoon. I told him I wasn’t feeling well and while he offered to perform a Klingon ritual of healing, I told him it was probably best if I go home. The last I saw of him he was showing some girls at the bar his Klingon fighting blade.

I don’t blame eHarmony, it was my own fault. I guess I should have looked at my survey more closely to see just what the hell I put in there. I’ve been thinking of trying again, sober this time, but the thought of Dale makes me shudder and I lose my courage. Christ, if I did another questionnaire and the guy showed up in a Ferengi outfit, I’d have to throw in the towel and become a lesbian.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Excessive Cash Pressure Causes Explosion at Oil Company Headquarters


Officials believe excessive cash pressure in a vault at Tentacucorp Energy headquarters in Houston caused a massive explosion of currency there today. They believe the leak in the vault caused a rupture which engulfed the building in ten and twenty dollar bills.

Holister Pendrake, spokesman for Tentacucorp Energy said, “Well thank God no one was hurt. We had accountants inside the vault just before the explosion. Luckily they had all left to refill wheelbarrows after the 4 o’clock cash delivery . With gas prices averaging almost $3.00 a gallon in most U.S. locations, our vaults are straining from the buildup in legal tender. I guess it was a matter of time before one of them blew!”

Tucker Handly, a lead accountant at the Tentacucorp facility, was near the vault when it exploded. “I’ll never forget it,” said Handly, “there was a muffled bang and before I knew what was going on, I was under four feet of bills. I tried to breath in, but my mouth kept filling with fives. I could feel blood from some paper cuts and started to panic when suddenly I heard someone calling out. I reached out and there was Phil Leeds, another accountant who worked the vault. He was having a hard time hearing due to a fifty that had lodged in his ear. We made our way through a greenish twilight of falling cash until we started to see some sunlight. I tell you I’m still shaking...and I think I have about $36.50 in my underwear.”

Pendrake said that Tentacucorp will be reviewing the technical specs of all their vaults . “Let me tell you, being flush with cash has it’s downsides," said Pendrake. “We see the price per barrel going up, it will probably hit seventy dollars soon. Couple that with our recent tax breaks in Bush’s energy bill and we’re not sure science can build a structure strong enough to hold such huge wads of cash. We’ve off loaded as much money as possible, we’re using a lot of the cash bricks for cube dividers now, but we can't keep up with the inflow. Our only hope is a devastating economic depression caused by high gas prices. That would give us a breather and we would finally have time to reduce our reserves through frivolous spending and embezzlement!”

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Conservative Loses His Own Argument Against Sheehan


Honestly, some days I think the world is going crazy. As a life long conservative Republican let me tell you, the shenanigans going on outside our great President Bush’s Crawford ranch make me sick! When I see this Cindy Sheehan perverting the memory of her brave son by letting left wing groups join her in protest against war, it leads me to believe these nuts think we live in some kind of democracy! One that has a constitution which protects protest and free speech and....wait....hold on, that’s not what I wanted to say.

Just who does this Cindy Sheehan think she is? How dare she allow the death of her son to become some sort of cause where people who share her political belief gather to protest an injustice? Only we on the right are allowed to exploit personal grief for political gain, like we did in Florida outside Terry Schiavo’s hospice. But, you see with us it was totally different! We were trying to protect an innocent brain dead woman, and this Sheehan is just out to save the lives of countless troops who...I mean, our President is much too busy to be worrying about every serviceman who has died in a war he started with false claims of WMD’s....wait, that didn’t come out right.

What I meant to say is that we on the right still believe in the Bible. The word of God! Maybe this Sheehan woman would gain some understanding of the duty of the American soldier by reading the Ten Commandments, where God himself clearly states that “thou shall not kill” and.....er....ummmm.

Actually what it is, is we Republicans understand how the world really works! If we hadn’t gone into Iraq I bet gas would be almost three bucks a gall....Saddam would have used his country as a training ground for terrorists who would think nothing of attacking a city like Lond...it would be yet another month of freedom for Osama bin Lad...

Oh yeah? Well, Cindy Sheehan is getting a divorce and the President is still married. Ha! SCORE!

Monday, August 15, 2005

Paula Abdul Cleared in Probe, Fans With No Lives Rejoice


Fans with no apparent lives celebrated the news that Paula Abdul, a popular judge on American Idol, was cleared of charges that she had an affair with one of the show’s contestants. Confirming their status as losers, some actually wept with joy when it was revealed she will remain on the show.

Burt Nelson, a long time fan of Idol, said he stayed home from work and celebrated the news of Abdul’s acquittal. “Our long national nightmare is finally over, “ said the 38 year old customer service representative for a windshield replacement firm. “I like to call her ‘My Paula.’ She is now and will always be the best judge on American Idol as far as I’m concerned.” Nelson, a bachelor currently living in an apartment above his grandmother’s garage said, “Has Simon ever been in a music video? I don’t THINK so. Paula understands the performers because she is one.” When asked if he should perhaps be more concerned about terrorist cells like those that attacked London, Nelson said, “Who attacked what now?”

Amber Jasmine, a 48 year old manicurist from New Jersey said, “Oh thank God Paula will be back, I was having a hard time sleeping. I needed all my collectable dollies in bed with me, just to get a decent night’s sleep. Mrs. Baskins, my favorite porcelain dolly, told me every night, that Paula would come through all this, but I had my doubts. Well Mrs. Baskins was right!” Jasmine was asked if she thought the Abdul investigation had any similarities to the current probe into who leaked a covert CIA operatives identity in Washington. “Well I don’t watch 24, I like the reality programs more than dramas. Besides, those violent shows scare Mrs. Baskins.”

Experts don’t think the Abdul probe will effect viewership for American Idol. “People with no lives clearly love the show,” said Dr Larry Blake, of Columbia School of Television. “Their lack of distraction from personal relationships or interest in the world around them allows for an unhealthy focus on a scripted reality show. I guess if it gives these poor souls some solace it’s almost worth the price the rest of us pay in having to listen to Clay Aiken.”

Friday, August 12, 2005

Having a Great Time at the Ranch

forfun

Boy it’s great to be back at the ranch! I tell ya, I like the White House and all, but ol' DC is stuffed shirt city! It does me a world of good to get back to Crawford. A President needs to get out of that damn beltway from time to time and get back amongst the common folks! Excluding that Sheehan broad of course.

meetingroom1

Crafts time! Here we are all working on some leather lanyards for our iPods. That Karen Hughes is a wonder, she can make, like, 10 lanyards in a half-hour, you should see her fingers go! I guess she got a lot of training typing out all those press releases that make me sound so caring and smart. (By the way, look at Condi, she fell for my ol’ whoopee cushion under the seat gag again, HA HA HA HA. It sounded like the Secretary of State farted, AH HA HA HA HA....oh for fun...I LOVE my vacations!)

bikeride!
Here at “Western White House” I get to ride my new bike whenever I want! Whoo EEE, you should see those secret service guys trying to keep up with me! The great thing is they gotta put their bodies between me and the ground or a tree whenever I do my weekly header!

jarts1
Here I am announcing the lineup for our annual Bush Administration Lawn Jarts Tournament! Look, this is our tradition, it ticks me off the liberal weenies and trial lawyers have made it almost impossible to buy the damn things anymore. I mean, so what if Scott McClellan took one through his thigh last year. I apologized! God, can’t anyone take a joke anymore? (Hey, look at the guy on the left, with the dark suit coat. Doesn’t it look like he has to pee? Hee hee hee hee.)

skitnight!
Time for Skit Nite! Our own little Western White House talent show. With yours truly as master of ceremonies! This is my economics team practicing some scenes from “A Chorus Line.” Yeah, they better put on a damn good show because they've been kinda useless in their real jobs. A four year “recovery”? Please, even I’m not dumb enough to fall for that load of cow flop!

getsheehan
Look at this folks. See? A President is never really on vacation. The job is hard and it follows you wherever you go. Here we are discussing our campaign to discredit Sheehan. This is when you appreciate a Vice President like Cheney. He doesn’t care how many kids this woman has lost! We have ALL her files here, so it shouldn’t be long before we can leak some good stuff to Rush and Fox News!

chickenwire
Can’t a President go one day without a speech? Kee-Ryst, how the hell am I suppose to get any ranch work done if I keep having to talk to those jerks in the press? Once I finished here, Rummy, Condi and General Myers helped me finish the chicken wire fence. That damn Cheney used his pacemaker excuse again to go back to the main house.

doodles
Yes dear, fine dear, I’ll go to the store...AGAIN. How come we go through so much food during vacation? Laura sent me to the Fina Station for some cheese doodles, Diet Cherry Coke and hamburger. (Yes I have cattle on the ranch, but everybody would throw a hissy fit if they saw me slaughtering any of them). Man, I gotta go 5 miles out of my way to avoid that Sheehan woman. Maybe I should drive by later this week and give her thumbs up and a couple toots of the horn, just to get everyone off my back. I’d better see how the week goes, got a lot of brush to clear.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Overheard at Political Capital Collections Dept.- Station 16


Hello, is this Mr. George W. Bush? Good morning sir, my name is Jennifer Turner, I’m a collections representative for your Political Capital account. Yes sir, our records show your account is currently past due and we were wondering when you plan on making a payment. I see sir, yes, I’m sure clearing brush takes up a lot of time, but as you are aware, the longer you delay in repaying the more harm you do to your political credit record.

I assure you our figures are correct Mr. Bush. No, it’s not an error due to the internets. As you recall you drew down a substantial portion of your political capital for privatizing social security. We also show an excessive outlay on your fly-in to Washington to sign the Terri Schiavo bill. And your account has shown an ongoing drain due to the progress of the war in Iraq. Yes sir, our records do show your reelection, but I’m afraid your margin of victory was not large enough to cover these expenditures. Yes sir, well I’m sorry your Mr. Rove misinformed you about that, but I’m afraid we do need payment immediately.

That is correct Mr. Bush, refinancing would be an option but I’m afraid you’ve done that several times already. Yes sir, once you found out there were no Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. Right and when your staff revealed a covert CIA operative. What’s that? Again sir, we have no opinion of Mr. Wilson, one way or another, we are only responsible for your Political Capital account.

No, we did not receive a check from you last Thursday. I’m afraid we did not receive a money order either. Nor do we have a record of any travelers checks sir. Look Mr. Bush, I’m afraid unless you arrange some kind of payment we will be forced to return control of the House and Senate to the Democrats after mid-term elections. I’m afraid we CAN do that sir. How does President Hillary Clinton sound to you Mr. Bush? I see, so then we’ll receive payment tonight from some oil companies? Excellent Mr. President. Yes sir, you too. And let us know how Political Capital can help you in the future.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Thoughts of Summer and Blogs


Hey friends. It’s your old pal Dr. Max. How are you doing?

Really? I was thinking the same thing, where has the summer gone? When I was kid, it seemed like summers lasted forever. A person was always ready for that new grade in school because summer changed you somehow. But friends in Florida tell me that their kids have started school this week. August 9th?? What the? According the NBC Nightly News, school districts want to start earlier so kids don’t forget what they learned the previous year. Look, for most kids all information is dumped once that last bell of the school year rings and sweet freedom begins. You can’t change that, even if you brought them back July 5th. Anyway, it won’t be long before these kids will be working 365 days a year with no health coverage, no pensions and no social security. Is it too much to ask to preserve one last month of vacation for them now?

I have been disgracefully negligent in updating my links list. It's due to my fear of mucking about in That One Blog’s template. Cries of “Danger Will Robinson” usually go up whenever Dr. Max’s ham hands get to altering any of it’s important bits. But I need to acknowledge some great sites so damn the torpedoes, template here I come! If you stop in and see a page filled with strange characters and an upside down picture of the Doctor, at least you’ll know why.

Dr. Max is also adding a visitors counter. This is another thing I’ve been reluctant to do. I’m not really sure I want to know how few people visit this site. The mystery has been kind of nice, I could pretend lots of people stopped by but just didn’t have time to comment. Now the cold hard facts will be staring me in the face daily. Oh well, I guess I could always self-visit to push up the numbers if they’re really bad. Trust me, the Doctor is not above doing something so pathetic, image is everything in the blog biz.

Also, a sincere thanks to everybody who has taken the time to add their comments. I do read them all and appreciate your feedback. I don’t like to comment in my own comment fields (I realize it’s no big deal, most people just use it to carry on friendly conversations with visitors, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s vaguely unethical). I prefer to return the favor by contributing to your blogs, whether you want my comments or not.

Well it’s been fun chatting. We really don’t do this enough do we? You know how it is with hectic schedules these days. Hmmm hmm, right....right. Anyway I’ve got to skidaddle, let’s say we do this again real soon! (Air kisses)

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Welcome Back Godder


Mr. Snelvin: OK class, settle down please, as you know the President has promoted the teaching of “intelligent design” in science classrooms as an alternative to evolution. So in keeping with his request, let me introduce your substitute teacher for today, Mr. God.

Mr. God: Thank you Mr. Snelvin and good morning class. As you heard my name is Mr. God. I am the originator and ruler of the universe. Today I’ll be telling you why the structures of nature are so complex they could have only been designed by an intelligence. In other words, Me. Uhmm, just a moment. Dale Lemmings, Mr. Snelvin’s seating chart says you are in the wrong seat.

Dale: Oh, no. On Tuesday’s Mr. Snelvin ALWAYS lets me sit by Stacey. It’s part of an experiment we’re doing.

(Snickers arise from various parts of the room)

Mr. God: Well, let me check my notes...hmmm, I don’t see anything about an experiment....are you sure Mr. Snelvin....

Dale: Yeah, it’s an experiment to see how long it takes to convince her to let me into her pants!

(Classroom erupts into laughter. Mr. God’s eyes turn white with fury. He claps his hands and Dale is turned into a pillar of salt.)

Mr. God: Now then, as I was saying, if we look at the intricate detail of biological systems, we see that evolution cannot possibly account for it’s logical design and.....yes, Wesley Fieldgate, you have a question?

Wesley: Yeah, did you come up with cancer? My mom died of cancer and I don’t understand how an intelligent being could come up with something so cruel.

Mr. God: Well you see, that’s a complicated question...I mean, you have to look at the big picture and....

Wesley: But dude, it was my mom. She didn’t do anything bad, why did you have to give her cancer?

Mr. God: Now see here mortal, I am omnipotent! Question your Lord no further!

Belinda: Mr. God is right Wesley, don’t you dare question Him! My bible study class says His ways are unknowable, just be grateful He gave you life in the first place! And don’t forget his Son died for you sins!

Wesley: But you should have seen her at the end, it was awful. Maybe you should have gone with “compassionate design” instead.

(Mr. God again claps his hands and Wesley is turned into a pillar of salt)

Jesse: Hey no fair Mr. God. He was just asking a question!

Mike: So NOT cool. I guess Mr. great and powerful can’t take it from a 10th grader!

Mr. God: I sayeth unto you all, do not continue in this or you will know the wrath of your Father in Heaven!!!

Frank: Hey, Mr. God, what about all those dinosaur bones, where were the dinosaurs in the Bible?

Mr. God: Thou sayest ENOUGH!

(Once more Mr. God claps his hands and all the students except for Belinda are turned into salt pillars.)

Mr. God: What is it with these kids today? They have absolutely no respect for authority.

Belinda: Oh Mr. God, that was wonderful! Almost like the rapture, they all made fun of me, but look at them now! We showed them huh, Mr. God? Dirty unbelievers! Did you send them all to hell? Oh please say you did, I bet they are all burning in the flames of damnation right now, looking up at me, green with jealousy. Oh Mr. God, you’re the best, I ....

(Mr. God snaps his fingers and Belinda is reduced to ashes)

Mr. God: Sorry kid, not even God likes a suck up.

Monday, August 08, 2005

At Last! Another Chance to Wear Our Easter Outfits


Friday, August 05, 2005

Mathematical Physicist’s Knowledge of Pitt-Jolie-Aniston Affair, Pathetic


Edward Witten, a mathematical physicist who has been described as the successor to Einstein and the world’s greatest living physicist, recently embarrassed colleges at the Institute of Advanced Study with his pathetic grasp of gossip about Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston.

Witten, famous for M-theory, in which he showed the 5 existing models of string theory were merely different descriptions of a single overriding theory of everything, asked fellow researchers at his lunch table what “Friends” was. Dr. James Larks, Ph.D. in mathematics said, “Can you believe it? Mr. Superstrings didn’t even know Angelina Jolie played Lara Croft in Tomb Raider. Hey Ed, time to take a break from the numbers and pick up a People magazine pal.”

Dr. Wendy Dupeer, a specialist in particle physics also was surprised by Witten’s ignorance regarding Fight Club. “Hello, Earth to Ed. He didn’t know any of the rules of Fight Club, let alone that Brad Pitt starred in it! So we start, like, quizzing him while he’s eating his vending machine ice cream bar. No, he never heard that Pitt and Aniston were married. No, he didn’t know that Maddox was now calling Pitt ‘Daddy.’ Ditto on the fact that Jolie just adopted for the second time. And, get this, he was totally clueless about Jennifer using holistic exercise to get in shape for her Vanity Fair shoot!”

Dr. Larks said the stunning lack of basic celebrity knowledge is not uncommon in geniuses. “It’s fairly well known that Einstein thought “Garbo” was the name of a kitchen cleanser. Sure, Ed coming up with the principle of dualism in M-theory was a masterstroke, but once in a while the guy should stop, sit back and appreciate the wonders of the universe that are Angelina Jolie’s boobs.”

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Leader of the Free World Addresses Crisis of Overgrown Brush


President George W. Bush today addressed the crisis of overgrown brush on his Crawford ranch in Texas. The President, who has the power to start a nuclear war which could extinguish all known life on our planet, worked in a gray t-shirt and cowboy hat.

Brush clearing has been a top priority of the Bush administration. In the President’s nearly 50 vacations to his ranch, the head of state for the world’s leading democracy, has cleared enough brush to fill nearly four freight cars. Brush clearing initiatives have surpassed nearly all other responsibilities for the Commander in Chief, including: addressing warnings about airplane attacks by terrorists in U.S., finding Osama Bin Laden, or making an immediate statement of compassion about the death of hundreds of thousands of tsunami victims.

Using a saw and hatchet, the Chief Executive of one of the globe's most powerful economic powerhouses, fell many small bushes and trees in a ravine near his horse barn. As the sweaty President happily hummed a country-western tune, loyal aides, more accustomed to assisting the most important office holder in the land in running the ship of state, instead helped him remove some stubborn curly mesquite. The aides debated whether to ruin President Bush’s mood by informing him of the death of 14 Marines in Iraq, as casualty news often reminds him of his famous “Bring ‘em on” statement. They decided to wait until later, and assisted him in removing some dried up coralberry.

The President of the United States of America plans to continue to clear brush for the entire month of August. He has requested that any important issues dealing with the war in Iraq or the struggle against extremist terror be postponed until September. By then the Leader of the Free World hopes to have the southern two acres of his ranch clear of some out-of-control shagbark hickory.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I’m Such a Tool by Bob Novak


The recent revelations regarding the investigation into my 2003 column about Joseph Wilson’s wife all seem to be missing the most essential part of the story. I’m a tool. A big, grumpy, sneering, right wing tool. Anybody who has read my columns or seen me on TV must understand that I was merely the screwdriver in the administration’s toolbox of smear.

When truth and facts reared their ugly heads in the lead up to shock and awe, Robert Novak heard the call to arms. Wilson’s look-at-me road show that dared call attention to the Presidents inaccurate statement of Niger yellowcake in his State of the Union speech proved to me he was traitor! A traitor to America and more importantly the Republican Party! If one loves his country (or at least those parts that are conservative) as much as I do, one realizes that to fight a traitor you must at times, become a traitor! That’s what tools do!

Sure, I revealed a covert CIA operative! Sure, hardly any other act could be more dangerous to a country! But folks, Wilson lied first, he said his wife had nothing to do with his being sent to Niger. And my leaking administration sources told me that was balderdash! She was SO in on the whole deal! A covert agent sending her sweetie pie husband out on a mission to screw our great President? Not while Bob Novak still had a word processor! Frankly I don’t care what vital secret missions I compromised, or how many agents I endangered. I’d do it again if asked by secret partisan hacks! Because I’m a TOOL!

And remember, Plame, although technically and legally covert, was brought home in 1997 when it was thought she was outed by traitor Aldrich Ames! So my traitorous act doesn’t really count if another traitor may have beaten me to it! I also soothe my troubled soul by thinking it was OK because Wilson had given his wife’s name in his “Who’s Who in America” entry. Granted, he didn’t mention she was a covert operative, but friends, I’m looking for any justifications I can find so I can sleep at night!!! It’s what tools do!

God, my stomach hurts all the time and it’s that jerk Wilson’s fault! He just had to point out the truth. If I hadn’t had to smear him, then I wouldn’t have been forced to roll over in my initial testimony! I was yelling Rove & Libby's names before I even sat down! So not only did I betray my country, I betrayed those I swore I’d keep confidential. But what did people expect? I’m a complete tool!!

Monday, August 01, 2005

John Bolton’s Mustache To be Appointed U.N. Ambassador


President Bush announced today that he would make a recess appointment, without Congressional approval, of John Bolton’s mustache. After questions about Bolton’s previous behavior prevented his Senate confirmation, Bush decided he would appoint only the bushy white mustache of the former Undersecretary of State for Arms Control.

White House officials said that they had no choice but to appoint Bolton’s mustache. “This is a critical time in the world and we cannot allow the U.N. ambassadorship remain vacant,” said White House diplomatic spokesman, Neil Felspar. “If, because of partisan politics, we cannot get Bolton himself confirmed, there is no other option but to appoint his mustache while congress is out of session. Remember it was Bolton’s mouth that said ‘There is no such thing as the United Nations. The Secretariat building in New York has 38 stories. If it lost ten stories, it wouldn’t make a difference.’ It was not his mustache.”

Democratic leaders were disappointed in the recess appointment of Bolton’s facial hair. “This is the hubris of this administration, “ said Democratic Senator Truman Hardgrove of Delaware, “if they don’t get the nominee they want, they just go ahead and appoint one of the nominee’s facial features! While Bolton’s mustache is indeed a grand, walrusy affair, we don’t believe it has the experience needed to be ambassador. Remember what happened when Nixon first appointed George Herbert Walker Bush’s left eyebrow to the U.N. post. The confusion that ensued really impacted the United State’s standing in the world. It forced Nixon to reluctantly appoint Bush himself within a week.”