Saturday, July 30, 2005

A Scared Crapless Bill Frist, Breaks with White House on Stem Cell Research


A frightened Bill Frist today nervously broke with the Bush administration's policy on federally funded stem cell research. The Senate Majority leader, visibly shaking, stammered through a speech in which he stated he would support legislation to lift Bush’s current research restrictions.

“W-w-we, m-m-must allow s-s-scientist to pursue the p-p-properties of AHHHHHH! Is that Karl Rove?! Hide me, HIDE ME,” said the Senate Majority leader, mistaking a fat, bald guy in the gallery for President Bush’s chief aide. “Man, I’m sweating through my suit coat, why is it so hot in here? Where was I? Right, s-stem cells, after spending all of President Bush’s nearly five years in office defending his nonsensical policy, I-I am now again relying on my mm-medical judgment, which I displayed so well during the T-T-Terry Sh-Shiavo case. V-vote Frist in 2008 and YAHHHHHH!!!! They’re coming for me! EEEEEEK, “ said the Tennessee Republican as he dove to floor after Senator Brownback mistakenly let the Senate chamber door slam shut.

“I still respect the P-President, and those conserva-vatives with whom I share a belief in the right to l-life, “ mumbled Frist. “But I must b-bravely follow m-my own knowledge of the med-medical benefits that...that.(cough)...will result from this re-research. Y-yes, I hope that they will respect my new found courage and not run t-twenty-four seven attack ads against me when I run for...getting black....so black...I, “ said the Senator as he fainted. While reviving him, embarassed Senate colleagues noticed that he had peed his pants.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

New Windows Vista Will Have Spyware Preinstalled


Microsoft Corporation announced today that the next generation of the Windows Operating System, Windows Vista, will come preinfected with a suite of Microsoft created viruses, spyware and adware, called Microsoft Trojan. Current Windows users are only able to obtain similar programs by surfing the internet or receiving e-mail.

Microsoft spokesperson, Brad Stepford, said that Windows Vista will be released in 2006 and that engineers are presently preinfecting all areas of the new OS with Microsoft Trojan. “We reviewed the information we secretly gather when users authenticate their Windows XP,” said Stepford, “and we saw that viruses, spyware and adware are by far the most popular programs on their hard drives! So we’ve created Trojan, we thought , why let all these other companies make money by screwing our customers, when can screw them much more effectively and efficiently!”

Stepford said once the Vista update with Trojan is installed, the customer will be taken immediately to the red screen of death. “We’ve changed the screen color from blue for major crashes, we think users will really enjoy it. Instead of the usual ‘fatal exception, press CNTRL+ALT+DEL’ gobbledygook, it will direct customers to contact Microsoft to get the latest Anti-Microsoft Trojan software. Now, that will be $35 to $50 bucks a pop over whatever we gouge them for Vista, so Bill will have no problem making mortgage payments. The good thing is, since we created this malicious software, or malware, ourselves, we can guarantee Anti-Microsoft Trojan will work. At least until we automatically update you to a new version of Trojan. Then you’ll need to buy yet another version of Anti-Trojan. You can see that this will be like printing our own money!”

When asked if Anti-Trojan will protect Vista users from non-Microsoft created virus or adware, Stepford just laughed and laughed. “Good one, “ said Stepford,” a Windows system free from malware, you slay me!”

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

In Surprise Visit to Iraq, a Grumpy Rumsfeld Scolds, “This Place is a Pig’s Stye”


In a surprise visit to Iraq today, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld grumpily scolded both Army leaders and Iraqi officials saying, “This place is a pig’s stye, I can’t leave for a couple of damn months without everything going to hell in a handbasket!”

General William Thorngrain said that they knew they were in for it the minute Secretary Rumsfeld got off the plane. “He had a major bug up his butt, “ said Thorngrain. “Christ, I don’t know what ticked him off, if his luggage got lost or he was worried about more Abu Ghraib photos leaking, but he was ragging on us his the whole time he was here! Y’know we’re doing our best, it’s like he forgets HE was the genius that forgot to plan for post war conditions. Don’t take it out on us because you didn’t get your freedom parades!”

Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari said he was also subject one of the Defense Secretary’s “hissy fits.” “It is not like I do not have enough on my plate,” said al-Jaafari. “He thinks it’s so damnable easy getting Kurds, Sunni and Shiite’s to work together perhaps it is he who should try this during this juncture! There was not even a second after our greeting before he launches into a patronizing lecture to me about how I need to get tough with Syria and Iran. Gee Don thanks, I will get right on that after I get the power back on, the water running and avoid being blown up by an insurgent car bomb.”

Rumsfeld said he was disappointed after seeing so little had changed from his last trip to Iraq. “I’ve got a new high-tech military to create," said Rumsfeld, "I’ve got other neocon wars to plan, is it too much to ask that these people here get all the problems solved while I’m gone? They lay around the green zone and not one thing gets done until I get back to yell at them, and I’m getting mighty tired of it! Plus they ate all the Cheetos Twists in the vending machine, they know I LOVE those! All they ever think of is themselves!!”

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

In the Altogether Photo of Dr. Max!


A big thanks to F.O.T.O.B. (an almost more cumbersome acronym of Friend of That One Blog) Snake for pointing out to me that this very blog you are reading now is listed at number 72 on Blogarama’s Most Popular site listing. That’s number 72 with an anchor. I’m sinking in a sea of blog porn.

A lame humor site like mine stands almost no chance against nakedidity and sexualityness...ness. My site is sure to keep dropping as the entrepreneurial spirit that is the American pornographer takes over the entire blogosphere. Here are just some of the sites that are beating my......er...wait. Here are just some of the titles that ARE MORE POPULAR than That One Blog (and please go to Blogorama for the links, I dread to see the spam I’d get if I linked to them from here.) Teenage Kix, Naked Loft Party, Days in the Life of a Nude Photographer, All About Cheating, Snatch-O-Matic, and Masturbation Tips. And the site that stands at number 71, directly above That One Blog? Parents, send the kids to bed....why Big Mouthfuls of course! I was wondering what all that noise was coming from the upstairs blog, now I know.

Ok go on, you know you want to, check them all out. I’ll be at number 124 by the time you get back.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Conservatives Suffering From Outbreak of Ideological Whiplash


Medical experts across the United States are reporting that American conservatives are checking into hospitals and clinics in record numbers across the nation, showing signs of Ideological Whiplash.

“The American Conservative is very susceptible to Ideological Whiplash, or I.D.,” said Dr. Henry Fieldgate of Karrington General Hospital in New York. “Conservatives are prone to launch into emotional outbursts about scandals in the White House, it became a habit during the Clinton Administration. Whenever they heard a new development in the Lewinsky affair, off they’d go. Unfortunately, news about the outing of Valerie Plame is triggering the same outrage centers in the brain, they are in the middle of these fits before they realize they are talking about a Republican administration. The whiplash occurs when they have to suddenly shift from attacking the White House to defending it.”

Victor Williamson, a gun shop owner in Philadelphia PA, is a victim of I.D. “The doc has me in this ego brace for another couple of weeks. My ideology is still pretty sore. Doc says I sprained it but, thank God, there was no break,” said Williamson. “I was listening to the nightly news and I heard about a government official exposing a CIA operative for political revenge! I leaped out of my chair and started jumping up and down, screaming that Clinton’s whole crew were nothing but a bunch of damn traitors! Then it dawned on me, they were talking about Karl Rove. I quickly pulled back, trying to convince myself Rove was justified because Wilson was trying to backstab Bush, when the room suddenly started swimming. A small amount of fluid came out of my ear and I fainted. I guess it was too big a whipsaw for my psyche!”

Dr. Fieldgate said he recommends bed rest, a photo of Bill Clinton and a news blackout for victims of I.D. “The bed rest helps in recovery, once an ideology goes through a trauma like this it’s best not to reaggravate it for a while,” said Fieldgate. “The photo of Clinton helps the victims center their rage. Most conservatives invested eight years in creating intricate justifications for why a President’s personal affair was grounds for impeachment, this helps rehabilitate those emotions. The news blackout prevents any damaging conflict caused from pondering why trumped up W.M.D.'s, a mismanaged war in Iraq and the act of revealing a covert CIA operative are NOT grounds for impeachment.”

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Photos of Apple's Video iPods?

Here’s the thing, I was in this bar in Cupertino. This guy comes up and asks if I have a blog. I say sure and he says he has secret photos of Apple’s new Video iPods. Well, I had taken care of a few Anchor Steams by this time, so I wasn’t thinking too clearly. In hindsight, I should have been more skeptical but I guess the chance to have an exclusive got the better of me. We go to the ATM and I pump out the twenties until I reach my limit, I give the guy the money and he gives me a C.D.

As I look at these photos this morning, ice pack on my head, I think I may have been ripped off. Either that or Jobs is in some kind of bizarre retro phase. Well, since I already spent the money, take a look. I’m going back to bed.

videoiPods

Saturday, July 23, 2005

My Secret Identity Has Gotten Completely Out of Control


When a superhero picks a secret identity you want it to be nondescript. You want to develop a personality that people recognize but that does not draw attention. Well Captain Justice was doing just fine with his Judge John Roberts identity. Until this past week that is. When the President offered me the nomination to the Supreme Court, all I kept thinking was that my secret identity has really gotten out of control!

This Judge John Roberts identity was perfect. I mean, look at my record, not much there to cause a fuss. I did well at Harvard Law School, became a Republican, clerked on the Supreme Court and found a nice job on the U.S. Court of Appeals. This left me plenty of time to fight crime as Captain Justice, defender of law and order! Whenever I spied the Captain Justice signal I’d call for a recess, throw off my robes and don my Captain Justice costume! I’d head to the scene of trouble in my Justice Mobile! Petty crooks and arch criminals all were foiled by my mastery of the fighting arts and secret Captain Justice gadgets! Now what the hell am I going to do?

I can’t throw a Supreme Court hearing into recess I’m only one Justice! And I can’t call in sick, look at Rehnquist for Christ’s sake, if he can make it into work ANYBODY can. What if Doctor Chaos and his henchmen try to attack the mint again while I’m listening to testimony in some case that will will finally overturn Roe v. Wade?

Well it’s my own fault for investing so much in this John Roberts identity. I should have stayed a lower court judge. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Everybody knows you never let your secret identity become more famous than your superhero identity!

Friday, July 22, 2005

Fun With Photoshop

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Thursday, July 21, 2005

Attack of the Comment Eating Monster


Hey Folks, Dr. Max here. How is everybody doing? Thanks for all the comments you’ve been giving me lately, it’s nice to get the feedback.

And speaking of comments, not sure what happened this week but reply service Haloscan for some reason started eating my post comments! I started hearing from old friends like Sylvana and new old friends like OldRoses that their comments were vanishing. Now if someone is going to be considerate enough to give you their valuable time and leave you a comment, it had better stay there! THIS COULD NOT STAND!

Well then, the problem became, what to do with the original Haloscan comments? Surely if I removed the Haloscan code they would disappear with it. Well that didn’t seem right either. So what I did was copy them all. Yep ALL the comments since the prehistoric That One Blog days of April 2005. I am in the process or reentering them all on the appropriate blog posts. Now it’s not going to look pretty and your blog links will be missing until you enter new comments, I’m sorry.....it’s a real cobble job. I just didn’t want to risk losing any more of your replies.

Ahhh technology. Stinking dad-gummed fricking technology. I do love it so.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

A Scene From the Live Billboard


Calvin Klein’s ck one fragrance, known for edge and innovation, will rock Times Square in a major event this summer: a LIVE billboard mirroring the brand’s new global television ad campaign. Live models will dance, play guitar, spin records and hang out in a huge ck one bottle overlooking Times Square.

The Hun: OK who it is who has taken mine conditioner!

Jasmine: Oh do not even THINK of looking in my direction Hun, you do NOT want to accuse me of something I did not do. Uh uh, you do not need that kind of grief in your life!

The Hun: Well someone who is within this apartment has taken mine conditioner and The Hun wants it back!

Wesley K: Maybe you left it back in Germany Hun, you know, along with your coordination.

(The other models laugh)

The Hun: What is this thing you speak of to me? The Hun is, how is it you say this, a dancing machine!

Wesley K: I don’t know what you thought you were doing during the lower deck disco shift, but trust me my friend, it was not dancing!

Kimberly: At least he showed up for his shift on time Wesley. Where the hell were you for the 4:00-6:00 fake photo session on deck two?

Wesley K: You know what Kimberly why don’t you mind your own business. I at least still get first dibs on runway work, when was the last time you walked for a label, the Carter administration?

(Other models: OOOooooooooooo)

Kimberly: Funny, Wesley K, I guess it's because I don’t sleep with all the designers like you do!

Wesley K: Take that back you bitch! I....put me down Hun!

The Hun: This is not good this fighting. We must all do the fake cocktail party in the period time of the ten minutes!

Jasmine: I hate to say it but that crazy aryan is right! Let’s all show a little love now!

Wesley K: Whatever.....just put me down!

Kimberly: All right sorry, I guess I’m just nervous, you never know who could be out there, this could be a big break for some of us!

Jasmine: Yeah! Today we’re going out there human billboard mannequins, but we’re coming back STARS!

(Models do group hug and cheer)

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

There's Something I've Been Meaning to Ask You Karl


Bush: Say Karl, do you ever, like, walk into a room and then forget why it was you went in there?

Rove: Oh, yeah. I guess....once in awhile.

Bush: Well I tell ya, whenever I see you lately I keep thinking there’s something important I need to ask you.

Rove: Hmmm, is it something about the midterm elections?

Bush: Nah...damn, this is so frustrating. What is it? I’ve been having this feeling since 2003...it was something to do with CIA.....

Rove: Was it a question about Tenet?

Bush: Was it about George? I remembered to give him that medal right?

Rove: Oh yes, sir, we gave those to everybody to thank them for the great job they did with Iraq.

Bush: Right, right. Gull ding darn it, what was it...did you have something going on where the CIA was involved....or an operative?

Rove: Let me think here.....uhmmm no. Doesn’t ring a bell.

Bush: No, wait that sounds right, there was some operative and her identity was revealed. Oh my God Valerie Plame! THAT’S IT! Some son-of -a-bitch revealed her identity, and....IT WAS YOU!

Rove: Mr. President look at my lapel pin. See how the design is like a circle, a circle that is moving to an infinate center, yes, and you are feeeeeeeling veeeeery sleeeeeepy. You feel veeeerrrry peaceful. Who are you?

Bush: I....am...President

Rove: Very good George. You are a happy President. You do not care about me revealing Valerie Plame as a CIA operative.

Bush: Don’t...care...Rove...revealed...operative.

Rove: Excellent George, you are a happy President watching the Nationals play baseball.

Bush: Like....baseball....me....President.

Rove: Right and when I count back from three you will forget any curiosity about Valerie Plame or me being a traitor. You will feel well rested and will forget. And, three, two, ONE!

Bush: Hi Karl, how they hanging?

Rove: They are hanging majestically Mr. President.

Bush: Heh heh heh, good one Karl, say we should catch a Nationals game today!

Rove: A wonderful idea Mr. President!

Monday, July 18, 2005

Bored Mars Rover Scientist Ready To Drive the Damn Thing Off a Cliff


Dr. Ernie Bellows, a mission scientist in charge of providing driving instructions for NASA’s Mars Rover Opportunity has become so bored by it’s continued success that he’s ready to drive the damn thing off a cliff.

Dr. Bellows said, “These stupid rovers we’re only suppose to last three damn months. I mean we knew we’d probably get double that and I would have been fine with six months, no big whoop. But Jesus Christ, I’ve been stuck in this damn room for almost a year and half now! Why won’t that fricking thing stop working?!”

Dr. Bellows said he is most upset that Opportunity and Spirit’s surprise success has caused him to miss reassignment to a newer Mars mission. “My pal Dale, he got reassigned to the Phoenix mission four months ago,” said Bellows. “And don’t think he doesn’t lord it over me whenever we meet in the cafeteria. Yesterday I’m minding my own business eating an ice cream sandwich and here comes ol’ Dale. ‘So Ernie,’ he says, ‘have you seen pictures of the Phoenix yet? Boy that is going to be one sweet mission, it’s going to be WAY more advanced than your toy cars.’ I tell ya, if I hadn’t had more than half of that ice cream sandwich left I would have smacked him right in the nose.”

Dr. Bellows confessed he felt a secret joy when Opportunity recently become stuck in a patch of loose sand on the Mars surface, which the mission scientists dubbed “Purgatory Dune”. “I hate to say it,” said Bellows, “but I thought this was my out, Opportunity would get stuck in that sand and the solar panels would get even more covered up with debris so those damn batteries would finally die. I mean, I would have been FREE! But no, genius that I am, I had to figure out a way for it to gradually reverse for five weeks and now everything is running great. I’m never getting out of here!”

Dr. Bellows said, ”My social life is in the dumpster, Mars’ days are just different enough that I've lost all track of normal earth time. I need a vacation or seriously, if we see some kind of deep crevice, I’m gonna plot a course so that cursed rover falls in!

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Mark Twain Superstar


In responding to a post at Call Me Snake I needed to look up a quote by humorist Mark Twain. While reading through the muliple collections of his writings on the web it occured to me that many of his observations about the society of his time, are just as applicaple to the events and people of today. So let’s see what Mark Twain would have said about:

The lead up to the war in Iraq:

...when we badly want a thing, we go to hunting for good and righteous reasons for it; we give it that fine name to comfort our consciences, whereas we privately know we are only hunting for plausible ones.

The most outrageous lies that can be invented will find believers if a man only tells them with all his might.

Statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception. - Mark Twain


Rush Limbaugh

The thug is aware that loudness convinces sixty persons where reasoning convinces but one.- Mark Twain

The War in Iraq:

To be a patriot, one had to say, and keep on saying, " Our country, right or wrong," and urge on the little war. Have you not perceived that that phrase is an insult to the nation.

It is easier to stay out than get out.

An inglorious peace is better than a dishonorable war.

I am an anti-imperialist. I am opposed to having the eagle put its talons on any other land. - Mark Twain


The Mainstream Media:

...the liberty of the Press is called the Palladium of Freedom, which means, in these days, the liberty of being deceived, swindled, and humbugged by the Press and paying hugely for the deception -Mark Twian.

Tom Cruise

Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion. - Mark Twain

Iraq’s Weapons of Mass Destruction

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. - Mark Twain

The Religious Right

In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.

So much blood has been shed by the Church because of an omission from the Gospel: "Ye shall be indifferent as to what your neighbor's religion is." Not merely tolerant of it, but indifferent to it. Divinity is claimed for many religions; but no religion is great enough or divine enough to add that new law to its code. - Mark Twain


President Bush’s Campaign To Privatize Social Security

The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it. - Mark Twain

The Presidency of George W. Bush

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

To lodge all power in one party and keep it there is to insure bad government and the sure and gradual deterioration of the public morals.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

No matter how healthy a man's morals may be when he enters the White House, he comes out again with a pot-marked soul. - Mark Twain


Karl Rove Exposing Valerie Plame

Each man must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man. To decide against your conviction is to be an unqualified and excusable traitor, both to yourself and to your country, let me label you as they may. - Mark Twain

Why a humorist's observaitons about America over a hundred years ago are still valid today

It is not worth while to try to keep history from repeating itself, for man's character will always make the preventing of the repetitions impossible. - Mark Twain

Saturday, July 16, 2005

If These Aliens are so Advanced, Why Can't They Perform a Proper Anal Probe?


I tell ya, I do not know what is going on with the Grays! Hi, my name is Phil, I’m a multiple abductee. This past weekend I go to sleep, there’s a bright light, I can’t move, I float through the wall and into air to their ship.....y’know same ol’, same ol’. At least until we got to the exams, then everything went fubar!

My theory is that the Grays were short on man power this trip or this was some kind of training mission because that almond eyed, big headed dork that was working on me didn’t know what the hell he was doing! He starts things off by lowering the long metal probe that goes into your nose, you know, the one that causes that blinding pain behind the eyes. Well he doesn’t have it attached to the sensors right because the damn thing pops off and falls to the ground. So there I am, naked, strapped to the examining table while slick tries to pick this thing up with those useless long fingered hands of his. This was strictly amateur hour!

Next came the sperm harvester. Now, I’ve had this done to me a hundred times, I must be the father of scores of cross bred alien-human babies. You are not going to believe this, but doofus attaches the harvester to my toe! My TOE! I don’t know what he thought he was going to be fertilizing the surrogate's eggs with, but I’m willing to bet he didn’t have much luck with my sock lint!

Then it was time for the anal probe. Now as I’m sure you understand, no abductee looks forward to this, it’s just not a lot of fun. And by this time I had zero confidence in this jerk who was apparently as well trained as a typical McDonalds temp. And it was a fiasco, I won’t go into to details, but you can never say it enough: lubrication, lubrication, LUBRICATION! Let’s just say I haven't been sitting much this past week.

I'm pretty pissed off about this. The Grays have to understand that they have a responsibility to display a minimum amount of professionalism when they are performing their unholy experiments! The next time I get abducted I am going to give these Grays a piece of my mind. That is, if they don’t literally beat me to it.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Gates Still Haunted by Failure of Microsoft Bob


I know what you’re going to say. Bill Gates, you are one of the richest people in the world, Windows controls about about 90 percent of all PC desktops, you live in a house on a lake that is worth almost $113 million and you have a loving wife and two wonderful kids. You're right, I do have it all...it’s just, I can’t figure out what went wrong with Microsoft Bob!

Of course the next obvious question is, “What the hell is Microsoft Bob?” And that’s the thing, hardly anyone remembers it anymore. Here's the deal, it was back in 1995, we thought most users out there would like a nice friendly interface to go over the regular Windows desktop. Damn, you should have seen this thing, we had this sweet cartoon house with all these great little rooms and there were these cute characters and objects that would launch helpful applications when you clicked on them! I’m telling you, Bob was so COOL, and it really could have helped all those novices out there. So we get all the tech press excited, we have our unveiling and.......nothing. I mean NO SALES! This thing sank like a stone in an aquarium aboard the Hindenburg!

Of course we also introduced Windows 95 that year which did better, thank the Lord! And we also did fine with Windows 98, and XP. No doubt we’ll lead all the sheep over to Longhorn once we get enough features removed to get it out the door. So no big deal right? Well perhaps it’s some kind of midlife crisis on my part but I cannot get Microsoft Bob out of my mind! I find myself walking through the house late at night, the sensor I wear activating the ambient light I need to make it to the bar that overlooks the lake. I pour myself some scotch and go over that damn Bob fiasco again and again.

It's gotten so out of hand that the whole time Queen Elizabeth was knighting me, all I was thinking about were those 59 pallets of untouched, shrink-wrapped Microsoft Bob boxes I have in a self-storage locker in Renton. I guess it’s that Bob was my one big failure, for all the other success I've had I just couldn’t make Bob work, and it’s driving me crazy! And no, OS/2 was NOT a failure, we had to let that die to slit IBM’s throat!

It's ridiculous to be obsessing over a ten year old software package! I have to get my head back in the game. That fricking Jobs snuck that damn iPod out while I was distracted by this Bob thing! Today I really need to concentrate while I review the new Windows Media Player over at West Campus 46. I’m sure, as usual, it will look pathetic compared to iTunes, but with Windows, it ain’t about style. It’s about leveraging the OS lead to shove Windows Media Format down your throat!

This is what I don’t get, can you explain to me why crap like Windows is successful and Bob wasn’t? Maybe we should have had more characters, or maybe, when the people entered the cartoon house, we could have had a........OH MY GOD, what is wrong with me? You have to snap out of this Bill!!! Where’s that scotch?

Thursday, July 14, 2005

The Fifth Fantastic Four


Hello, you’ve probably never heard of me. My name is Nelson Landerfield, I am the fifth member of the Fantastic Four. Rather, I used to be a member of the Fantastic Five, before they kicked me out!

It’s fine, it was a long time ago. Really, I’m thrilled their damn movie did such great business last weekend. Lucky America got yet another whitewashed version of their origin story. Not even a mention of Nelson Landerfield, it’s like The Lactater never existed!

OK, so when the cosmic rays hit the spacecraft I guess you could say I got the short end of the stick. Reed got the power to stretch, Sue got invisibility, Johnny got the ability to burst into flames and while Ben looks a little funky, he at least got superhuman strength! What did I get? The ability to lactate. That’s right, I can shoot super powerful streams of milk from my breasts.

Look, I didn’t ask for this! I hear the snickering, but for Christ’s sake it IS a superpower! You know what, you people are just like that jerk Reed Richards, I remember it like it was yesterday. “Nelson,” he said, “the rest of the guys and I have voted, you’re out of the group. You’re making us the laughing stock of superheroes!” And just like that it was over. Fine with me Reed, just remember the next time Dr. Doom has you all pinned down, The Lactater won’t be there to save your butts with super squirts of my blinding breast milk!

I tried to go solo of course, went to Gold Key Comics, but they only published two editions. "Too many remainders," they said. I feel like Pete Best, that original drummer for the Beatles. You try not to be bitter, but man, every success the Fantastic Four has is like a knife in my heart. It’s funny how life goes sometimes, a person is granted an amazing gift but it turns out to be too silly to be of any use. At least I've got one thing going for me: I never run out of milk for my cereal

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

You Can Take My Rove, When You Pry Him From My Cold Dead Fingers!


Speaking at a NRA (National Rove Association) Convention, President Bush today declared his whole hearted support for his Deputy Chief of Staff, Karl Rove. Holding his senior advisor aloft with one hand Bush declared, “It is the Constitutional right of all Presidents to bear the political hacks they need to defend themselves and their policies, so hear me now, you can take my Rove when you pry him from my cold, dead fingers!”

The President has always insisted that he has an executive right to carry status for Rove. Rove has been the subject of controversy after it was revealed he may have been the White House source who revealed the identity of Valerie Plame, a covert CIA operative who is married to Ambassador Joe WIlson. It is suspected Rove revealed Plame’s identity to several reporters in an effort to smear Wilson, who had accused the President of using discredited weapons of mass destruction claims in his State of the Union speech. It is generally believed by most D.C. insiders that Rove is a dangerous weapon.

The President said that as far as the Plame affair is concerned, Rove was only doing his job. “Political Advisors don’t smear people, it’s the existence of other parties that create the need to smear people. If there was no Democratic Party we would not have had to run for reelection, and there would have been no need to discredit anyone. Let’s not blame a President's Constitutionally guaranteed right to own a political operative, let’s blame the political system of society as a whole which makes operatives necessary!”

President Bush’s speech opened the five day National Rove Association Convention. The convention allows right wing candidates and operatives a chance to meet and network. The convention also includes displays on the art of rigging electronic vote tallies, the most effective way to conduct a rumor campaign that questions your opponent’s sexual orientation and how to create your own Swift Boat Veterans for Truth group in five days.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Phone Call to a Friend


Rove: Cooper it’s me, Karl. How are you?

Cooper: Ahhh, fine Karl how are you?

Rove: Well to be honest Cooper not so good. In fact I’m pretty steamed up right now. Can we speak off the record?

Cooper: Well it depends on what you want to speak to me ab...

Rove: Great! OK so let’s say there’s this guy, who you’ve always considered loyal. Let’s say you send that guy to Africa to confirm that Saddam was looking to buy yellow cake uranium from Niger. So this guy, this former ambassador, goes and spends all your money partying and ordering room service! Then this jerk comes back with some lame-ass story to cover his butt saying that the yellow cake thing is a myth!”

Cooper: Are we taking about Joe Wilson here Karl?

Rove: I didn’t tell you that! You did not get that from me! Anyway so this guy, let’s call him Shmoe Tilson....

Cooper: Shmoe Tilson?

Rove: ...he starts hearing from the Dems that he’d make a fine Secretary of State, so what does he do? He stabs the President in the back! Accused our President of lying during the State of the Union speech! CRASH...Tinkle...Tinkle....

Cooper: Karl, what was that?! Are you OK?

Rove: I’m fine Cooper, just threw my paper weight through the window. No big deal, do it six or seven times a week when I’m tense, have a whole White House crew just to replace the panes. Anyway, so this Tilson, it comes to our attention here that his wifey poo works for the CIA! That’s right, his wife is an agent! Part of that group of career intelligence babies that have been trying to feed us a bunch of crapola about the Iraq war taking more than six months, can you BELIEVE THIS? CRA-ASH, SMASH....I’m fine, just tossed my stapler out the window too....

Cooper: Say Karl, is his wife a covert agent? Isn’t it against the law to reveal a cover...

Rove: SHE’S A TRAITOR COOPER, A TRAITOR! And she got her sweet hubby to do the dirty work for her! Look, I’m not telling you how to do your job but I think if you should write a story about this! Soon Cooper, I heard through the grapevine that a certain Mr. Novak is VERY interested in this scoop!

Cooper: Seriously Karl, I could get into trouble revealing a CIA agent and..

Rove: You know what Coop? I had a great PIG meal last night at this LATIN restaurant I know, I think the name of the place is ALERIEVAY LAMEPAY! Did you get that Coop?

Cooper: Valerie Plame? Jeez Karl, I’m really uncomfortable with all this, if you...

Rove: Again you didn’t hear it from me! And if anything happens just say it was Scooter Libby OK? I knew you were a true friend Coopstinator! I knew I could trust you, I look forward to reading Time next week! If things turn out well maybe Uncle Karl can get you an exclusive sit down with the President! Well gotta run, bye Coop, all my best to whoever. (click)

Cooper: Ahh, Karl, really...I..OK..bye, I guess. Coopstinator?

Monday, July 11, 2005

Right To Life Protesters Surround Supreme Court with Shouts of “Mergthmglth”


The right to life group, Bound 4 Life has gathered members from around the country to protest at the US Supreme Court on the news of one, possibly two vacancies on the high court. The group, famous for the tactic of taping their mouths with red tape which has the word “Life” written on it, surrounded the Supreme Court building this morning with shouts of “Mergthmglth Gmthglg Thmlthlg Fuflg!”

Spokesman for the group, Wendy Thornbrake, said she hopes the court will finally overturn the Roe v. Wade decision which she called a license to murder. “Gmrgth furgth mumgrl.” said Thornbrake. “Ferfffll buth muglith fer buthlblth, ferglth bulth! Werml Smurmlgh!!!

Todd Donaldson a youth minister from Colorado said that President Bush must now repay those conservatives who worked so hard for his reelection. “Nugnthgl burker wmmmlth,” Donaldson said, “Bughth lee murguflgl thmmmugllth!” Donaldson then fainted due to an inability to get enough oxygen breathing only through his nose.

The Bound 4 Life group plans to keep members at the Supreme Court until the justice vacancies are filled. Ray Zimmer, a protester from New York said the group would stay until all unborn children were safe. “Felthml mugthfl weef,” Zimmer said, “Felthml mugthfl weef.”

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Thomas Kinkade's "Meth Lab in the Woods" a Poor Seller


A new series of paintings by Thomas Kinkade have met with uncharacteristically slow sales. The series called The Hovels is a departure for the artist whose previous light infused paintings of faith, nature, cottages and small town villages have made him America’s most collected living artist. The Hovels consists of three paintings, Meth Lab in the Woods, Crack House by the Viaduct and XXX Video Store with Attached Apartment near the Airport.

Tad Vanderhike, Director of the Kinkade Collectables Galleries which are franchised throughout the United States said he tried to talk the artist out of the new series. “I did my best, but Thomas said he wanted to deal with darker, edgier material,” said Vanderhike. “I think he felt he wasn’t being taken seriously enough as an artist. I said to him, I said, ‘Tommy, sweetheart, what’s wrong with a quaint bed and breakfast or a nice lighthouse at sunset, I can’t keep those prints in stock’ but he wouldn’t listen. Do you know how many of the Meth Lab prints I’ve sold? Eight....that’s right, eight in the entire country!”

Vanderhike was confident that Kinkade will return to his usual subjects soon. “He has to pay the rent,” said Vanerhike. “Look, the guy can make a picture of a Christmas Cottage and if you are looking at it you swear it’s really lit by the moon in the picture, he didn’t get the title ‘Painter of Light’ for nothing! And to be honest, he is so good he gets the same effect with that prostitute and the street light in the Crack House painting. It’s just that no one is going to pay a thousand bucks for a Publisher’s Proof so they can hang a well lit hooker on their living room wall!”

Saturday, July 09, 2005

NASA Probe Penetrates Tom Cruise’s Ego


NASA scientist were jubilant yesterday when a probe launched over six months ago successfully penetrated the ego of Hollywood star Tom Cruise.

Dr. Dale Huston, Project Director for the Ego Impact mission said that scientists will now have an unprecedented look at what goes into the make-up of a superstar. “We’ve had our theories, but now we’ll have some solid facts,” said Dr. Huston. “We’ve always known there is a real core of acting talent there but Cruise’s recent erratic behavior had scientist puzzled. He fired his long time publicist, has been jumping up and down on talk show couches and claimed that the fields of psychiatry and pharmacology are frauds, his ego lost stability as it expanded.”

Dr. Huston said, “Initial readings from the probe seem to indicate a thin layer of Katie Holmes with a thicker layer of Scientology. The L. Ron Hubbard particles were off the chart which might explain the ego’s expansion. We wouldn’t question the sincerity of his personal beliefs of course, but it can effect an ego’s orbit if it turns into fanaticism. We worry about the substantial damage the ego could cause if a string of underperforming movies send it crashing down to earth!”

NASA scientist will continue to study the readings from the impact. “We’ve got an incredible amount of data to go through. With the success of this mission we would like to tackle an even bigger target. If funding is approved we could launch an impact mission next year to penetrate the ego of Russell Crowe.”

Friday, July 08, 2005

Excerpt From Bush's Future Memoirs


My War On Terror
It is in times of strife, like 9/11, that a great leader needs to do great things. And once I got out of that elementary school and off that zigzagging Air Force One, the seeds of my strategy to win the war on terror began to take shape.

Step 1: Get reelected. This was our most important task, as Karl told me repeatedly I could not afford to deny this country my leadership at this most critical time. With only three and a half years left in my first term, I had to remember to keep my eye on the ball and not let Osama bin Laden distract me! But how to achieve this?

Step 2: Iraq. Saddam Hussein was always a Bush go-to guy and before the towers had hit the ground I knew we needed his help again. It was important to overcome the togetherness the American people and the World had shown my administration after that fateful day in September! “We are all one” is not George W. Bush’s style! Karl and I were more comfortable working against an enemy, so we knew an incomprehensible war in Iraq would give us that enemy: the liberal left! We would be the party of patriots keeping America safe which would give us cover for dirty tricking whatever lame-ass candidate the Democrats put up! Plus Cheney said the folks at Halliburton would appreciate the business and if you’ve ever looked into the cold dead eyes of the Vice President, you know you do as you are told.

Step 3: Make a bunch of shit up. Truth and reality now had to be dealt with. A substantial use of our Armed Forces against the Taliban and the eventual capture of Osama bin Laden was the kind of rational approach that would assure the sense of crisis would peter out before the 2004 election. I knew I could not let that happen! We had several fronts. First we needed to scare the crap out of everybody with a fantastic assessment of Hussein’s capabilities to deliver nuclear and biological weapons. Second, the formation of the Pretend Reporter Corps, loyal fake reporters would assure the invented weapons of mass destruction stayed in the public eye and that any arguments questioning them were immediately attacked before they took hold. Third, the intelligence community was filled with folks that insisted on making level headed assessments of the dangers inherent in waging war with Iraq. We kept them busy playing with Photoshop so we could get those nifty graphics of mobile biochemical labs!

Step 4: Tax cuts for the rich. During a war? Really, I did that? That doesn’t make much sense. Well sure, it makes the base happy but all of us needed to sacrifice didn’t we? OK, it’s just that Karl said he’d send Cheney in again to stare at me if I didn’t do it! God.....you people just don’t understand....(shudder).

Step 5: Reelection! The culmination of the war on terror came with my reelection! The neocon philosophy of America using it’s power to create our own reality got me employed for another four years. Bin Laden on the loose, revealing covert CIA agents and creating a gathering place for future terrorists to network and hone their skills were small prices to pay to provide this great country with the illusion of safety it so desperately needed! Mission accomplished!

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Nothing Funny Today


Yep, nothing laugh about this morning. Just more sadness in the aftermath of despicable terrorism. Probably not a good time to write, don’t want to regret what emotion might make me say, when hardly any facts are known yet.

Just want to express my sorrow to the people of London. America knows you will weather through, but we wish you didn’t have to.

And shame on whoever is responsible. Whatever you see as your justification is only an illusion, you are simply murderers. Your cause is meaningless if you use innocent blood to publicize it.

Let’s hope this is one of the last mornings we wake up to news like this

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Village People Replace Indian Chief with Closeted Gay Republican


The disco band the Village People announced today that they are replacing the Indian Chief character, a staple in the group since it’s formation in 1977, with a new character called the Closeted Gay Republican.

Manny Reasoner, agent for the group said it was time for a change. “Look, we know a lot of the fans will miss the Indian Chief, but we felt we needed to update our lineup to reflect what the real stereotypes of gay life are today. We also wish to express to the Native American community that we still respect their heritage and history but we’ve seen how they feel about the depiction of Indians as mascots for sports teams, so we figured it was time to introduce a new Village Person.”

Reasoner said the choice of a Closeted Gay Republican was a no-brainer. “Good lord, you can’t walk into a gay bar anymore without seeing half of it filled with closeted Republicans. This new gay stereotype has really taken the community by storm. I think it’s a desire to bring back the gay life of the 50’s. I mean, while the witch hunts of the Eisenhower years bought disgrace and ruin if you were discovered, there was also a furtive thrill in pursuing the lifestyle and not getting caught. I think that’s why so many of these Republicans who are in fact gay, speak so loudly against gay marriage and pass laws to deny gays their rights, it makes being a homosexual more forbidden and therefore more exciting!”

Reasoner said initial reaction has been positive. “We did a test show at the Twin Tribes Indian Casino and Bingo Hall and it went over pretty well. We weren’t sure how the tribe would feel about the Village People being Indianless, but we didn’t hear too many complaints. We also had a good feedback on our new song, which the Closeted Gay Republican sings lead on, ‘I Hate Myself’. So, fingers crossed, we may even get some airplay again!”

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Spanish Inquisition Leader Heads List of Possible Supreme Court Nominees


White House sources say Tomas de Torquemada, the 15th Century leader of the Spanish Inquisition holds the top spot on a list of potential nominees for the vacancy on the US Supreme Court. The position opened after Justice Sandra Day O’Connor announced her retirement last week.

With so much partisan fighting during his administration it was hoped that President Bush would appoint a moderate conservative to the position but Torquemada apparently became the front runner after White House meetings over the weekend. Torquemada was appointed the chief inquisitor in 1483 by Pope Innocent VIII and is thought to have presided over the torture and death of thousands of Jews, Muslims, homosexuals and suspected witches.

Several Democratic leaders were quick to criticize the potential appointment. “This is typical of the deaf ear the President has shown to the concerns of the American people who do not belong to his party,” said Sen. Ed Vantag of NY. “To be seriously considering the appointment of a person whose judicial record includes the use of whips and burning at the stake seems inappropriate to me. Torquemada is certainly not the kind of Justice I’d like to see on the highest court in the land, what with his being the embodiment of pure evil and all!”

Surprisingly, some far right groups have also been voicing concerns about Torquemada. “We’ve looked into this gentleman’s record and we are not sure if the chief inquisitor is conservative enough,” said Nelson Cosgrove of The American Council for the American Family and the American Values of Americans. “We really do not know his stand on abortion and while we admire his initiative in dealing with those that refused to share his religious beliefs, we’d have to have assurances that he is willing to overturn Roe v. Wade. We’re pretty sure he’s with us on the gay marriage thing though since he had so many homosexuals strung up on the rack!”

The White House refused to comment on any other potential nominees but sources have confirmed that Vincent Price as Don Nicholas Medina in the 1961 movie The Pit and the Pendulum, 19th Century American hanging judge Isaac Charles Parker and the 17th Century Chief Justice of the King’s Bench George Jeffreys (who condemned 320 people to death after the Monmouth Rebellion) were also in contention.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Go on, You Know You Want To, Give Your Mother Country a Great Big Hug Today!


Happy 4th everybody! I hope none of you are stuck inside today, on a computer, reading this entry. Instead I hope you are all enjoying blue skies and sun, having a great time with family and friends, enjoying some hot dogs or vegetarian soyburgers hot off the grill with some Diet Coke Lime or an ice cold Red Hook Summer Rye beer, right from the cooler!

Now despite what Karl Rove has said about me, I do love this country of mine. I didn’t want anyone to prepare indictments or offer therapy or understanding to Osama bin Laden, I fully supported those in charge capturing or putting a bullet through that S.O.B.’s head! Ah well, maybe they’ll get around to it after the wars with Iran and Syria. But hey, let’s not argue on our nation’s birthday!

To the fellow citizens of this great country and to all those serving abroad and the families that worry about them I raise a Summer Rye toast in your honor on this Independence Day! God bless you all..unless you’re an atheist, then just bless yourself! And America, I refuse to believe you are 229 today, I swear, you don’t look a day over 206!

Sunday, July 03, 2005

In My Bunker for Another 4th


I live in a housing development in the outer edges of a major US city. We border the countryside and truly enjoy the peace and quiet that non-urban living provides. That is until the 4th of July.

It appears to be the custom of most of our neighbors to celebrate the anniversary of our independence from England by lighting explosives that meet and in some cases exceed the requirements of those that are currently being used by our US military. Do you remember that scene in Apocalypse Now, when the gun boat carrying Martin Sheen comes up to the blown up bridge at night? The scene is filled with background light provided by near constant tracer missile fire. That is what it looks like over my house on the 4th. No need to go to a community fireworks display here, they pale in comparison to the shows put on by the folks next door.

As a kid I remember caps and snakes and sparklers, the wildest we got was the occasional roman candle. Yes the Midwest is a little uptight, but we were always inundated with those awful news stories about the kids blowing off their hands with M-80 or bottle rocket mishaps (and back then we actually believed the media.) Out here the stands go up a week or so before the big day, and no joke, one this year is calling itself Shock and Awe. These are just the ones in town, several Indian tribes nearby finance much of their non-casino income with stands that provide THE BIG STUFF. This apparently is where most of our development shops.

So wish me luck. I admire the patriotic spirit and love of country that drives people to try to simulate NASA launches, I just want my house to still be standing on the 5th.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Supreme Court Decision Leaves Status of Devil Worship Monument in Doubt


The recent ruling by the U.S. Supreme Court allowing the display of religious exhibits on state grounds if the original purpose was not to promote religion, has left in doubt the status of the Devil Worship Monument in front of the Greensdale County Courthouse.

Greensdale City Clerk, Barry Lingman, said the Devil Worship Monument was erected in error on government property in 1965. “Well, Mrs. Daulsberg was the office secretary back in ‘65.” said Lingman. “She was the sweetest old lady but sometimes she got a bit confused. There was a film going around the drive-in theater circuit back then called The Devil Worshiper, I think Chad Everett or one of those guys was in it. Anyway, the promoter called to get permission to erect this Devil Worship Monument out in front of the ticket booth at the Starlight Drive-In, you know, to promote the movie. Now as it happens, we were also putting up a Historic Marker right in front of the Courthouse that same week. Again, Mrs. Daulsberg was just the salt of the earth, but she got the construction permits all screwed up and we ended up with that Devil Worship thing on our front lawn! Which, of course, we would have removed right away if not for Master Mephisto!”

Master Mephisto, self proclaimed Warlock Supreme in the Coven of Greensdale has filed multiple lawsuits in state court to prevent removal of the Devil Worship Monument. “The Dark One is my lord and I gladly serve him,” said Mephisto. “This is my religion and I must have the freedom to protect those symbols which celebrate it! My coven, which consists of me and my son Hank, will file as many lawsuits as it takes to keep this tribute to the grand tradition of satanism in our country standing. We take our religion as seriously as our septic tank repair business!”

Lingman said, “I tell ya, we are in a pickle. We’re not sure if the Supreme Court said it's OK to tear that stupid thing down or if we are now required by law to leave it up. We can’t really make head or tales of the ruling. We just wish Mephisto, and by the way his real name is Leonard Milton, we just wish Leonard would drop his lawsuits and let us do what’s right. Man, I’d trade places in a second with any of those cities having fights over a measly Ten Commandments Monument!”

Friday, July 01, 2005

That Damn Donovan Song Keeps Coming Up in Shuffle


Ahh, I think I’ll relax with my iPod mini for a bit. Let’s see, I'll spin the click wheel to the “Shuffle Songs” option and let this little wonder pick my tunes at random. Hmmm, good first choice iPod, the Beatles’ Nowhere Man. And nice transition too, right into Temptation by Elvis Costello and the Attractions, Elvis reminds me of college days...how was I able to drink that much beer? And next....crap, it’s that damn Donovan song, The Sun Is a Very Magic Fellow. I mean, Donovan is OK, but I only downloaded the song for my kid's playlist. And the kid likes it, so I'd better not delete it from iTunes. I’ll just hit shuffle again.

You Spin Me Right Round (Like a Record) by Dead or Alive, yeah, that’s more like it. Next, Slave to Love by Bryan Ferry and Roxy Music, whoo hoo, looks like the iPod is taking me back to the 80’s, big hair and the thin ties. Let’s see what’s next. Well all right, She Runs Hot for Me by Little Village, great song! Which brings us to....ARE YOU KIDDING ME IPOD? It's Donovan singing about his pal the sun again! This is unbelievable, every frickin time!!

Here, I’ll hit shuffle 3 times in a row! Now iPod, you can’t tell me your algorithm won’t let you pick from the 1,000 other songs inside you which are not performed by Donovan! OK, let’s listen..this is good, Bowling Green by the Everly Brothers, their harmony is calming me down already. Next..yay, The Shins and We Will Become Silhouettes, things are looking up. C’mon iPod you can do it, oh sweet! Out of left field, Julie London and You’d Be So Nice to Come Home To, very bachelor pad sexy. Sorry iPod buddy, how did I ever doubt you? And what a blend, you took me right into Playboy in Outer Space by Dada! Ha ha..it looks like I’m finally out of the woods with that....NOOOOOO! I DON'T CARE IF THE STINKING SUN SHINES DOWN ON YOU EACH DAY DONOVAN! HOW THE HELL DOES THIS STUPID SONG KEEP COMING UP?!

You know what, screw this noise, I’ll just skip to the next song! Figures, I have to buy the only iPod in the world that loves Donovan, and.....oh crap, it’s that damn Phil Collins song....