Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Watergate "Deep Throat" Identity Finally Revealed: Actor Hal Holbrook


Actor Hal Holbrook admitted today that he was the mysterious informer “Deep Throat” who helped Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein in articles detailing the Watergate scandal. The scandal eventually lead President Nixon to resign from office.

Holbrook, primarily an actor known for roles on stage and in film, also had intimate knowledge of the inner workings of the Nixon White House, “I was doing Mark Twain Tonight! in Washington in the late 60’s when I became aquainted with many of the officials of the Nixon administration. They were all big fans of the one-man show, so they would invite me over and tell me everything that was going on in the Oval Office. Well, I tell you, once I heard of all the shenanigans going on during Nixon’s reelection in ‘72 I knew I had to let somebody know! As Mark Twain said, ‘The citizen who sees his society’s democratic clothes being worn out and does not cry out is not a patriot but a traitor.’”

Holbrook said he contacted Woodward once he saw his initial articles about the Watergate break-in, “This kid seemed to have the right bead on the story so I arranged to meet with him in a dark garage and tell him everything I knew about the Nixon’s illegal activities . I told Bob to tell everybody he was getting his info from some anonymous public official, so I could keep my cover and star in Pueblo as Capt. Lloyd Bucher. Funny story, once I was doing the Mark Twain thing and had to run over in full make-up to tell Woodward to follow the money! Boy, I bet they would have been scratching their heads over at the F.B.I. if they had had pictures of that!”

Holbrook said he knew he had to get the part of Deep Throat in the 1976 motion picture of All the President’s Men, the film adaptation of Woodward and Bernstein’s book about the scandal. “Well, I mean, it was irresistible and a great cover for me! Who would think I would be playing Deep Throat if I was Deep Throat? I did that part for scale, just to make sure they cast me. In some ways, Redford is a much more believable Woodward than the real Woodward.”

Holbrook said he is glad the secret is finally out, “Yeah it was tricky keeping it a secret all these years through Designing Women, Evening Shade and the Perry Mason Mysteries. I’m glad it’s finally out there! I’m thinking of doing a new one-man play later this year, Deep Throat Tonight! Unless I get that reoccurring role as Grandpa on According to Jim, at my age you just can’t turn down series T.V. pay!”

Monday, May 30, 2005

The Secret Resentment of John H. Watson M.D.


It is my honor to be the companion and chronicler of the man many consider to be the greatest detective in all of England, Mr. Sherlock Holmes. His abilities of observation and powers of concentration are second to none! I aid him as a friend as he pursues his many and varied cases! I have made him somewhat of a celebrity by publishing accounts of our adventures in The Strand periodical. I don’t expect thanks of course, but would it kill him to say it once in a while?

I am often in attendance when witnesses appear at his Baker Street residence. I take notes as they lay the facts of the case before Mr. Holmes. He of course is busy “thinking” so he can’t take the time to be civil to these people. He is the great Sherlock Holmes, he can’t lower himself to offer them tea, some sympathy for their plight or even acknowledge them as they arrive and leave. No, that appears to be Johnny Watson’s job! Hey, I am fine with it, really, but I am not a butler, OK?

Then I get the privilege to sit with the great Sherlock Holmes as he mulls the case over. Now, I have the notes, I know what the witnesses said! So if I try to give him my thoughts on the case what does he say? “ Quite so Watson, you see, but you do not observe.” Hey Sherlock, excuse me for being a moron. Jeez I guess it’s a miracle I can dress myself in the morning. I've got an idea, why don’t you go shoot some more cocaine and play your damn violin, which you suck at by the way!

I’m not stupid you know, I have a medical degree for Christ’s sake! I also have a Jezail bullet in my leg from when I served my country in Afghanistan! I may not be a super genius, but I have slept with a woman! It just ticks me off, the way he acts sooo superior in that idiotic Deerstalker cap! And who always has the revolver when we need it? That’s right John H. Watson MD.! Not Mr. Brains! I tell you kind people, one more “elementary” crack and I’m going to tell that jerk where to stick his Meerschaum pipe!

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Scott McClellan, Master of the Mystic Arts


White House Press Secretary and Master of the Mystic Arts, Scott McClellan, once again used spells and incantations to alter reality during his daily press briefing.

McClellan began his briefing with an incantation, “By the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth I say to you, Newsweek and it’s article are responsible for all strife in Afghanistan and Iraq, the President and his policies bear no responsibility, by the all seeing Eye of Agamotto, make it so,!” The weak willed White House press corps then said in unison, “It is so, great McClellan.”

When asked why the President of the United States, who was biking in the Maryland countryside, was not informed of the security breach of a Cessna aircraft entering the no-fly zone over the White House until after the crisis was over, McClellan cast the reporter in an eldritch bolt. “Begone foul keeper of facts, to Munipoor I assign thy being!” The reporter then disappeared into an alternate dimension.

McClellan was also asked if the White House had any further information about the access it gave to Jeff Gannon, the Talon news service reporter who was later found to have been offering on-line male escort services. McClellan raised his hands and said, “I call upon the omnipotent Oshtur to create a field of disinterest about this story, whereby all will soon forget it even existed!”

Finally when asked about the failure of the President to create any public interest in private accounts for Social Security, McClellan said, “I call upon all the Vishanti, Agamotto, Hoggoth and Oshtur to confuse all Americans into thinking such a change would save Social Security, by all my powers as Sorcerer Supreme make this so! I said...MAKE IT SO! Umm, Vishanti, can you hear me? Hellooo? OK, look, I may be a master of white magic, but not even I can dress up a pig like private accounts!”

Saturday, May 28, 2005

The Yin and Yang of Oxycodone


Before Oxycodone:

Ow, ow, ow. Stupid day surgery, stupid rear end. Stupid pilonidal sinus. This is how the long slide begins isn’t it? Body parts start turning against you. This shell for my soul is crumbling. Ow, just how the heck am I supposed to go to the bathroom when my hinder is bandaged? Keep shifting, can’t get comfortable. And does it have to be 90 frickin degrees outside too? What a way to spend Memorial Day weekend, no cook out, no beach, no beer, just sitting in my dumb house. Oh and great weekend for TV, everything sucks, substitute anchors on the news. Ow! Alright, alright I’ll take the stupid pain pills....

After Oxycodone:

Oh wow. Hey, how ya all doing? Yeah, dude, I had a little surgery, but everything is just fine-o-rific now. The doctor was great, and all her nurses who had to stare at my butt while they removed that embedded tuft of hair were GREAT! The graham crackers they gave me after surgery were GREAT! Y’know to be alive in this day of medical miracles is truly awesome, man. Wow, look at how beautiful the sunshine is. And you guys out there who read my blog, I....I, sniff, I love you guys, you’re all beautiful man...sniff, sob. Oh SCORE! A Facts of Life marathon on Nick at Night,it's too good to be true! Jeez I sure hope I can have day surgery again, this oxycodone RULES!

Friday, May 27, 2005

The Doctor's Butt Goes Under the Knife


That's right, my own hinder, which I rely on for sitting and such, facing day surgery today.

Sorry about the short post. Will fill you in on details while on pain medication.
"Oh wow, man, the colors, do you see the colors? They are so cosmic and groovy man, can you dig it?" Stay tuned....

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Voyager 1 Probe Passes Last Known Starbucks


NASA has announced the the Voyager 1 spacecraft has entered the farthest reaches of our solar system after readings by the probe showed it had passed the last known Starbucks franchise.

The spacecraft which began it’s journey in 1977, has entered an area of our solar system called the helliosphere, where the sun’s influence ends and the solar winds begin to interact with gases from interstellar space. It also is the location for Starbucks franchise store #3,883. The store is oxygen sealed and offers Starbucks trademark high end coffee drinks and biscotti treats.

NASA said that the accomplishments of the Voyager spacecraft have been remarkable. It’s images of the outer gas giants of Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune and their moons, remade the science of planetary study. NASA said the spacecraft is conserving power to continue it’s readings of the outer solar system and beyond, so it was impossible to get Voyager into the Starbucks drive-thru. Mission scientist said the readings were of prime importance although the Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino was very tempting.

NASA said Voyager could continue to function until it’s plutonium fuel runs out sometime in the year 2020. NASA said Voyager will be the farthest man made object in space until the year 2011 when it will be overtaken by the Starbucks A2000 robotic space franchise builder, currently headed to the nearby Andromeda galaxy.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Romance and Terrorism Rarely Mix


An Alternate Season Finale to 24:

Jack: Hi Audrey, say, I have to go capture that terrorist who just launched a nuclear missile and find out where it’s gonna land, do you need anything at Albertsons?

Audrey: Look Jack, don’t think favors are going to fix everything, we have to talk! You’ve killed my husband and tortured my brother on this “mission” of yours to prevent a terrorist attack, I think we really need to discuss how this effects our relationship.

Jack: Jeez Audrey, now? But I gotta go get Marwan, we just found out where he is, we have to make him talk about the missile!

Audrey: That’s just like you Jack, putting your job before everything else in your life!

Jack: Ahhh Audrey honey, I’m trying to prevent millions of citizens from burning in a nuclear holocaust, I really don’t have time for this...

Audrey: Don’t take that tone with me mister! If it’s not nuclear war, it’s anthrax, if it’s not anthrax it a large scale chemical attack! What about me Jack? I have needs, this relationship can’t work if it’s always going to be about you rescuing vast numbers of Americans from certain death!

Jack: Audrey, I am a counter-terrorist operative, this is what I do!

Audrey: And I’m a women Jack. I need to know how you feel about us! Say it Jack!

Jack: Awww, c’mon, not in front of the other operatives.

Audrey: Say it!

Jack: Oh man, OK. You is my huggie wuggie snuggle bear!

Audrey: (Giggle) Is I your honey woney angle pie?

Jack: Hee hee, you know you is, and here come the kissie bombs (smack, smack smootch.)

Chloe: Jack, a nuclear missile just landed in Los Angeles, untold millions have perished.

Jack: DAMN IT ANYWAY! This is GREAT, just GREAT! L.A. is no longer on the map, are you happy now Audrey?

Audrey: Fine! If this is the way your going to be, I’m going home to Daddy!

Jack: No, Audrey wait, I....dang it! I’ve lost a major American city and my girl all in one day. I guess counter-terrorist operatives really can’t have it all.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Country Singers Defend Redneck Lifestyle to Rednecks


The defense of redneck lifestyles made in recent hit singles by country artists Alan Jackson and Gretchen Wilson may have been unnecessary as a majority of the artists’ audience are, in fact, rednecks.

In Alan Jackson’s song, It’s Alright to be a Redneck, he includes the lyrics:

It's alright to be a redneck
It's alright to ride around in a dirty old truck
Catch a bunch of fish and shoot a bunch of duck
It's alright to be a redneck

It's alright to be a redneck
It's alright to have a girl named Thelma-Lou
Who don't mind a little kiss when ya got a little chew
Party on the road by the light of the moon
Dancin' to a country tune.


Brad Dalesworth of Landsdale TN, a fan of Jackson’s said, “Well he has me pegged, the truck, fishin, kissing my gal Thelma-Lou with Copenhagen in my mouth, it’s like he was following me around or something. It was a nice song, but I already know this stuff, he didn’t have to convert me or anything.” Dalesworth said he recently saw Jackson live in concert, “I got kinda drunk and a little rowdy y’know? I guess I started for the stage and his security guys stepped in and tasered me right below the ear. Like I tell my friends, I had a real redneck after that!”

Another recent country hit, Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson, also consists of a list of rural stereotypes which she defends:

Victoria's Secret, well their stuff's real nice
But I can buy the same damn thing on a Wal-Mart shelf half price
And still look sexy, just as sexy as those models on TV
I don't need no designer tag to make my man want me
Well, you might think I'm trashy, a little too hardcore
But in my neck of the woods I'm just the girl next door
I'm a redneck woman
I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raising
I say, 'hey y'all' and 'yee-haw'
And I keep my Christmas lights on
On my front porch all year long
And I know all the words to every Tanya Tucker song
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it country
Let me get a big 'hell yeah' from the redneck girls like me, hell yeah


Lee-Anne Farlow of Wheelsburg MS said, “I enjoy the song, as a kinda country gal power anthem, but Gretchen is really just preaching to the choir as far I'm concerned. I do shop at Wal-Mart and my candy cane lights and inflatable snowman are still up. It’s nice these country stars like to sing about our lives and all, but since they make millions doing it don’t you think they could send us all a couple thousand? You should see my electric bill after burning these damn Christmas lights for 365 straight days !”

Monday, May 23, 2005

Lament of the Inside the Beltway Reporter


It is late at night. I am sitting in front of the lockers at the Greyhound bus terminal. I always come here when I’m troubled.

I am an inside the beltway Washington reporter. I work for one of the national weekly news magazines. It was a struggle to get where I am today. Starting as a cub reporter at my hometown newspaper it took decades to advance. I consider myself successful, I have a new home in a trendy Washington suburb and keep my wife and two kids in a lifestyle my parents would have considered opulent. I rub shoulders with those in power, and use them as sources for important stories that appear on the cover of the magazine.

But lately something has been bothering me. I have had trouble sleeping. It all started when I caught a showing of “All the President’s Men” on TV a few months ago. When I was starting out in the business, Woodward and Bernstein were my heroes. God, I loved the book and the movie. The way they stood up to power, even when they were personally criticized and threatened by government officials!

It seems so different today. Look at the recent story involving Newsweek and the protests in Afghanistan. Look at Helen Thomas and Dan Rather. It seems if you raise any questions about the administration today, you are vilified and your career destroyed. I tell myself I still have the courage to pursue tough questions about the Bush White House, but my mortgage is so big, I really can’t afford to be out of work.

The organization that owns my magazine is a big media conglomerate. You are not “told” a subject is off limits, but c’mon we are all adults here. Let’s just say you probably are not going to see too many investigative reports about our parent company or it’s subsidiaries. I mean, really, why rock the boat?

Still, isn’t that our job as reporters, to go where the truth takes us? I hate these feelings of conflict.

Which is why I come to the Greyhound station. In locker 3AJ I keep a small box. It originally contained my Society of Professional Journalists, Howard S Dubin award metal. I reach in and open it up. There, in the cushioned felt, lay my testicles. It’s nice to spend a few moments with them again and think back at all the happy times we had together. Sighing, I close the lid carefully, put the box back in the locker and turn the key. I guess having no balls is a small price to pay to be a modern journalist.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Trust Me, I'll Get to the Pies


I love you Macintosh computer! I love you Wacom drawing tablet! I love you high speed DSL! Ahhh, it is good to be home again.

Had a good time visiting family in the Midwest. They were very generous, offering the Doctor much good food and beer. And they even let me sleep in the house! My brother-in-law is probably the only person in the world who has an HD big screen TV with no cable or satellite hookup. I do not pass judgment, he is happy that it offers the best DVD picture and that at least one of the local channels comes in clear on his antenna. The other channels have snow, but it is a lifelike, high resolution snow.

Flew United on our trip, left on the very day they learned the company was finking out on employee pensions. I expected them to be throwing our bags out of the plane on to the tarmac and telling us to find our own damn luggage, but all the United employees were very friendly and helpful.

Got to see the United in-flight safety video again, which is one of my favorites. I like the scene when the emergency oxygen masks fall down and all the passengers have looks of mild curiosity, “Would you look at that dear, the oxygen masks seem have fallen down, isn’t that interesting?” No blind panic, no hysterics, no stealing masks from the old people, just slightly bemused expressions as they strap on their only means of survival.

Gas was 50 cents a gallon less than it is here at home. Does Kansas get a red state discount?

If you are ever traveling highway 96 between Wichita and Hutchinson Kansas, stop at the Carriage Crossing restaurant in Yoder and order the Chocolate Cream Pie. I almost had a Twins Peak “Damn that’s good pie!” moment when I tasted it, but the Amish community members probably wouldn’t have appreciated the swearing. They may not be big on modern appliances, but they can sure bake the h-e-double-hockey-sticks out of a pie!

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Dr. Max Vs. A Pan of Fudge Brownies


Hello pan of fudge brownies. So, we meet again.

You are a most worthy opponent, but Dr. Max is dieting. That’s right, I’m tired of seeing the impressions made in my flesh by the waist buttons of my pants. Dr. Max has a little thing called will power, pan of brownies with mini M&M’s, so your charms will not work with me!

OK, that was one little piece. I have to admit your crunchy little M&M layer, mixed with your rich moist fudgey interior was very, very good. But all I wanted was one little taste, so I say good day to you, pan of brownies, may you be enjoyed by others in this house.

Really, it looked strange just having one little piece missing in the corner, that looks much neater with the whole row taken out. Your deep sweet chocolatey taste was only enhanced by that large glass of cold milk. But I say “Adieu” to you now. If I feel the desire for a treat, a fresh crisp apple will do me just fine, and be much healthier for me in the long run. Nice try, pan of fudge brownies, but this is the NEW Dr. Max!

When you think about it, is there really any more calories in a half a pan of fudge brownies than a row of fudge brownies? Nah, not really. But now that I have gotten that little sugar craving out the way, I can cover the remaining half pan of brownies and begin the official, for real this time, start of my diet! Now, where are those carrot sticks and cottage cheese?

What the hell just happened? Where did all the brownies go? Oh Dr. Max, what have you done? It was almost like I was outside my own body watching myself as if possessed. I did the o’l “I’ll just take a couple of real small pieces” routine, which really doesn’t mean anything when you eat 40 small pieces! Then as the final row of brownies was approaching I used that excuse that is the last refuge of all scoundrels, “Well, I better eat them all so I can get them out of the house!”

Why am I so weak, what is wrong with me? I told everybody that I was dieting, I’m gonna look like a fool when they see.....unless. Heh, heh, good thinking Dr. Max, a NEW pan of brownies and no one will be the wiser. Let’s get baking!!

Hello pan of fudge brownies. So, we meet again...

Friday, May 20, 2005

Conservative Group Wants to Outsource Evolution to India


Conservative watchdog group, The American Center For The American Family And No Gay People, has proposed that the United States outsource the Theory of Evolution to India.

Head of the group, Reed Dalmont said it is time America let the developing nation have the Theory of Evolution so the U.S. can return to the universal truths of the Bible. “All this ‘man from ape’ nonsense has got to go,” said Dalmont, “I say let all those Indians damn their souls to hell fire, heck they are probably headed there anyway with that goofy religion with the cows which does not even mention Christ as a personal savior! Let’s ship all that baloney about dinosaurs and what not over there and good riddance to it! I’m not gay by the way.”

Amshul Sahani, spokesman for I.N.C. - India New Century, a business development foundation for the country, said they would be happy to accept the theory, “Yes, we would be quite pleased to make a home for evolution. If America no longer needs it I’m sure we can study it and enjoy all the advances it provides us in the field of science. Say, if you guys are done with Physics, Math, Medicine or anything else, give us a call. We really are chomping at the bit to become a dominant world power and it would really help us along! I can’t speak for the Chinese of course but I can almost guarantee they would say the same thing!”

Dalmont continued, “To turn America into a mere shell of it’s former self, much like England is post-empire, would be worth it if we were to create a new nation based on the teachings of the Good Book! All this reliance on jobs, money and food has made this country weak and sinful! I bet if we became a theocracy a citizen would no longer have to be tempted by those gay bookstores out by the airport. Not that I would know anything about those because I am NOT a homosexual! I just like to look at the occasional well ripped stomach, broad shoulders and sideburns of a hot young construction worker! Wait, did I say that out loud?”

Sahani said, “We are a hundred percent behind Mr. Dalmont and his group! Why, thanks to him, India is heavily invested in stem cell research. If this turns out to be the next big advance in medicine, India will make untold billions! So America, please, I speak for my whole country, listen to Mr. Dalmont he is a wise, wise man......and from what I’m told, not gay.”

Thursday, May 19, 2005

All Darthed Up With Nowhere To Go


I should have seen it coming.

When Sally Reese, head cheerleader, started flirting with me I should have felt something in the force. But I guess, even Barry Dunsnale, Vice President of the Reynolds County Star Wars fan club can be deceived by those from the dark side.

It was weeks ago. I had scored reserved seating for the midnight premiere of Star Wars Episode III, Revenge of the Sith (being a fan club official DOES have it’s privileges). Then all of a sudden Sally Reese, out of the blue mind you, compliments me on my Dr. Who backpack. After a majority of my Junior and Senior High life virtually free of any female attention, all it took was one comment from the head cheerleader to cloud my mind. She told me she’d love to go to the premiere with me, and that she wanted to bring some of the other cheerleaders along too. Which took care of all my eight tickets.

What plans I had for Sally and me. After the midnight showing I would take her back to my Mom’s house for some Hi-C and Chex Mix in the basement. Sally would watch as I typed in my comments on the Star Wars Fanboy Midnight Premiere Review Forum. After reading my insights on how Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader, Sally would turn to me, and lit only by the Hamm's waterfall beer sign, kiss me. Oh what a fool I was.

As I stood in line in my official Episode III Vader outfit, Sally told me she would love to have a Coke Icee from the Target across from the theater parking lot. Sally said she’d hold the tickets for the other girls. I, being a gentleman, told milady that I would be honored to grant her wish. I crossed the lot, my Darth Vader cape flowing in the evening breeze. But what did I see upon my return? Sally did indeed have fellow cheerleaders with her, but also in her company was Andrew Hansburg, quarterback for our school’s Fighting Hornets. Several of his comrades were also present. Four football players and four cheerleaders. Which meant we did not have enough tickets. And the screening was sold out! I asked Sally what was up. It was then she laughed at me, and told me to take my stupid outfit and go home.

My anger could not be assuaged. I told Sally that she was deceitful and that I rightfully belonged in that theater. There was never going to be another midnight premiere of a Star Wars film, I would not be denied! Andrew and the rest of the football players then descended upon my person. Let’s just say no snuggy has ever cut so deep.

So here I sit, at the curb outside the theater. I can feel the bass of the special effects under my feet. Life is cruel, I guess Sally has taught me that lesson. I take a sip of the Coke Icee and look up at the stars, some from galaxies far far away. The starlight wavers in the deep dark sky, a few from the heat escaping from the parking lot, but most from the tears in my eyes.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Parents Finally Break at 58th Viewing of The Incredibles


(Houston TX)Marvin and Leanne Weslow of Houston broke down after their 5 year old son Brandon requested the 58th viewing of the Pixar/Disney hit The Incredibles.

Weeping gently Marvin explained, "I..I just couldn't take it anymore. I mean I really liked the movie when it came out, we saw it 4 times at the the theater, but when the DVD came out, my lord, it has been on constantly. Brandon requested it every night, sometimes twice an evening. We tried to be strict but his Mom and I were pretty busy at work, so before we knew it we were approaching 40 viewings."

Leanne said, "I can't shut my eyes without seeing Edna or Syndrome. I can say entire scenes by memory. I am almost to the point where the shade of red that The Incredibles' suits are made of makes me nauseous."

Brandon still enjoys the film, "That part where that guy with the hair gets his cape in that thing and it blows up is so cool. I like when the Omnidroid blows up too, that's cool. The whole movie is really, really cool!"

Marvin and Leanne hope to regain custody of Brandon after their treatment at the Houston Mental Health Center. Brandon is currently staying with his grandparents, who have been forced to watch The Incredibles 6 times already.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

The FAQ of the Borg


Borg Public Relations Pamphlet A6300-B
Borg Assimilation FAQ


We are the Borg, a race of space cyborgs who conquer all civilizations we encounter. Your planet has been chosen to become part of the Borg collective. Congratulations! Here are some frequently asked questions we receive before we turn living beings into cybernetic automatons.

Q: Can we resist the Borg?
A: Resistance is futile.

Q: Does the process of being turned into a Borg hurt?
A: Oh my, yes. Even when we sever your spinal column to implant fiber optic cable the pain is excruciating. Try a couple of Tylenol before processing downtime.

Q: What is it like being a Borg?
A: You will become an insignificant member of a vast galactic network. Your mind will no longer be your own instead it will assist in the drudgery of keeping the electronic and biological collective functioning. Much like working at the all night drive thru window at Hardees.

Q: What will my job be as a member of the Borg collective?
A: The Borg offers opportunities as:
A) Servant to the Borg Queen.
B) Implant Surgeon, to place Borg technology into screaming patients.
C) HVAC and Refrigeration repairman.
D) Front line assimilator troop (You’ll be an initial target for phaser weapons to assist the collective in adjusting it's shields. And yes, you will be killed.)

Q: How can I advance in the collective?
A: You cannot advance in the Borg collective. You are assigned a role and you will fulfill it until your biological systems cease functioning. Borg implants are then removed and your body is jettisoned into deep space. However, we do offer full dental and allow for Hawaiian Shirt Day on alternate Fridays.

Q: Are you sure resistance is futile?
A: Yes. We are the Borg! We’re not like those Klingon pussies.

Monday, May 16, 2005

President Bush Begins 80 City Tour to Promote Clamato


(Washington DC) President George W. Bush today began an 80 city tour to promote the use and benefits of Clamato juice. “The blend of tomato juice and liquified clams is a great tasting, low calorie alternative to other juices. And it’s great spicy taste can be enjoyed with any meal. And before you ask, it’s low sodium, with no sugar or cholesterol!”

Democratic party leader Howard Dean said he wasn’t sure why the President had decided to crisscross cross the country in support of Clamato. “Yeah, we’re trying to analyze why he’s doing this. Maybe Karl Rove saw some numbers he coveted in Clamato drinkers, but I don’t see that it would be a vast number of Americans, do you? It makes about as much sense as his Social Security tour I guess but, is it just me, or does this seem a little strange?”

In a speech marking the first stop of his tour, President Bush said, “A lot of these inside the beltway folks will tell you that it’s not smart to spend your political capital on an issue like the refreshing taste of tomatoes and clams, but I don’t listen to those folks. When I first tried this delicious blend at a luncheon held at the American Enterprise Institute, I knew I had to let the American people know about it! I want people to own their own Clamato, in cans or convenient family size quarts!”

Bush supporter, Harwood Gatlin sat in the front row at the rally, “I admire the President tackling an unpopular issue....but, Clamato? I really enjoy watching him speak, when he sees something he thinks will benefit Americans, he gets out there and gives it his all.....but seriously, Clamato? Well, if it’s something my President says it important, I’ll pick some up I guess.....it’s just.....CLAMATO?”

White House Chief of Staff, Andrew Card said, “The President feels this is important, you don’t hear the Democrats talking about Clamato at all and...look, here’s the deal. The President gets these bugs up his butt about certain issues, at the beginning of this year it was asbestos, I mean what the hell? Why is a President talking about asbestos in a State-of-the-Union speech? Well, he goes to this luncheon and all we hear for the next three weeks is Clamato this and Clamato that. It’s like he’s got a loop playing over and over in his head. When he gets like this Karl and I just send him out on the road, I mean, we have work to do!” Mr. Card then took a drink from a can of Clamato and coughed, “Whew, sorry, you have to remember to shake these up or the clam and tomato juice separate. I think that last swallow was all clam!”

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Remote Blogging Stinks


OK, day 3 of remote blogging now. I got none of my usual equipment, I'm trying to do this in the spare office that some relatives need to use a bedroom tonight. I tried to explain that blogging was more important than sleeping but they are not buying it. Not to mention dial-up service....dial-up for crying out loud! Throw in the beer and this is the best I can do. Stay tuned I will try to do better tomorrow.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Have You Tried Jumbo Batter Fried Cheese Curds?


Hi, Martha here, with today's hot new food find! And I mean literally hot, right from the grease, it's Jumbo Batter Fried Cheese Curds and they truely are a yummy treat for your summer get togethers. All you need are bricks of Wisconsin cheddar or mozzarella cheese, cut them into quarters, dip them in a delightful batter made from flour, spices and beer (see my web site for the full recipe), then into the boiling oil they go! Watch for that spatter! And..munch munch..umm they're...ouch, hot, crap! Burned my lip! I just can't wait to get at these puppies when they smell so good. Hey guys, beer me! Thanks! Just rub that cold can on the blister and ahhhh. Much better. Any way...smack, snarf....enjoy!

Martha

Friday, May 13, 2005

George Lucas Is Ok With This, Really


Hey this is OK with me, really. I WANT characters I took years in creating to look like M&M Candies. Honestly I’m fine with it! Star Wars Chocolate Mpire, get it? Like Empire, but Mpire, ‘cause of the M&Ms.

Wait, it’s stupid isn’t it? I’ve sold my unique vision just to promote my film! Oh God, what was I thinking? Isn’t a gabillion bucks enough for one person?! What the hell has happened to me? I made THX 1138 for crying out loud! And now I’m selling CANDY?

But you know, the small kids seem to like this kind of approach. The actual Star Wars films, especially this last one, are a little scary. This is a way the toddlers can enjoy the excitement of a new release just like their older brothers and sisters. Yeah, why should they be left out? And heh heh, they are kinda cute with the little helmets and the.....

WHAT AM I SAYING?! Can’t little kids buy all the toys I carpet bomb Target and K-Mart with? Why do I need a candy tie-in too? Oh, how did I end up here? Me, auteur of nonlinear student films now pushing sugar laden confection on unsuspecting four year olds! Why oh why did I come up with that idiotic space story in the first place?

What is wrong with you George you....hold it, what’s this? An envelope from M&M/Mars? I’ll just open ‘er up and.....HELLO! Oh baby, CHA-CHING! So anyway, Star Wars Chocolate Mpire, what a SUPER idea! Why not go out and pick up a Revenge of the Sith collector’s package today!!!

G. Lucas

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Come In Rangoon.....


Hello? Is this mic on? Heelllloooo? I don't think they can hear me. Come in Rangoon this is Dr. Max speaking from a remote location with dial up, (remember dial up?) can you hear me? What's that? It's called Yangon now? Well whoop de flippin doo...I'm trying to see if this blog is working and you're giving me a geography quiz. Let me press this button..wait, now everything is bold. I don't think that's correct, this looks funny all in bold, let me try this button. Well we're not bold anymore but this isn't right. Why does the type look like this now? Dang it! I tell you this is what you get for not doing enough research ahead of time and here we go again, I'm in italics now, great just great! OK folks we're still working on this, I'll try to get back to you soon OK? Thanks.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

A Little Spring Cleaning


Hi everybody, Dr. Max here. No fake new story today, just some odds and ends. Dr. Max needs to do some little light housekeeping around the blog today, honestly I’ve never seen such dust, you would think I was raised in a barn!

Adventure - Dr. Max needs to clean up because I will be doing some remote entries for the next week or so. This, of course, has disaster written all over it. If you could, please be patient as my old mind tries to figure out the http whatzits and protocol whozits involved with doing this from a different location. If you see a super short entry that doesn’t quite look right, or a day without an entry at all, be kind. And on the off chance you get no new entries for a week or so, you don’t need to stick around...I know you have a busy life and no time for such foolishness!

Links - The Doctor has been remiss in linking his links. Have had some kind people who have taken the time to comment on That One Blog. They therefore get priority seating at the Prescribed Links table. A shout out to fellow native Wisconsinite and Packer fan, Sylvana and her great blog Syllogism. Also props to Snake and his appropriately titled and witty Call Me Snake blog. Also check out Bored But Busy, another funny and very well written site. Go ahead, click away, they know how a REAL blog should be run!

Blogarama - It’s back! Convinced to fly back from New Mexico (where it was photographed with a blanket over it’s head) the site index Blogarama has returned to the Internet. Great news too! It looks like whatever crash they had made all their listed sites disappear! Well, probably not so great for them, but I just went from page 109 to page 1 on the Just for Laughs index. Whoo Baby, there is no stopping That One Blog now!

Scrubs - Funniest show on TV. FUNNIEST show on TV. I know, Arrested Development is good too and love the Simpsons, but Scrubs has been knocking it out of the sit-com park this year! If you haven’t seen it yet, please do yourself a favor and tune in, Tuesday nights on NBC. Their season has just ended, but catch them in reruns. It tells you something about NBC that they promote the lumbering Joey more than they do the better written and acted Scrubs. I give Scrubs the Dr. Max Tip O’ The Surgical Cap...which probably means certain cancellation...wait, I mean Joey, I like Joey!!!

There, whew! It sure feels better to have the site clean. I don’t know what that was growing by the Archives section but I needed two cans of Lysol and a stick to beat it back and kill it!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

The Renaissance Faire Is All Politics


Huzzah good citizens! Perhaps you have seen me at the Renaissance Faire, I am the Sheriff of Nottingwood, Sir Blanchard. Tis I who puts citizens who have transgressed the Kings laws into the stockade. Photos can then be taken of thy “prisoners” and shared for the amusement of family and friends. Tis a fine job, but thou has done it for five years now and verily, I was oft’ promised that I would be promoted to the King’s Court as the Earl of Standish. Alas, as this year's list of roles was distributed, thy got the shaft. I 'twas once again assigned to be the damn Sheriff!

Thy skills have never been questioned. All thou has to do is read the Weekly Shopper’s review of my role as Hucklebee in the Turnpike Dinner Theater’s production of The Fantasticks. 'Twas a rave, thou can see it for yourself just under the two-for-one coupon! So why have I thus been denied my rightful part? Politics good citizens, politics.

Is it coincidence that this year’s Earl of Standish will be played by the King’s nephew? Thy thinks not! Upon the telephone I called that son-of-a-bitch King and told him assignment of his own family to the court was nepotism clear and simple! The King then requested that myself I should screw.

Unjust I say to you! My loyalty to the crown has never been questioned but my King has gone too far! Thou will not accept his reign any longer! Not only will you not see thee in my role as Sheriff of Nottingwood, I will no longer play Marley at the Dickens Yule Bazaar and Craft Festival! Perhaps the King/Scrooge will get his nephew for that part too!

Kind sir and lady, do not weep for me. Will thy miss the smell of turkey leg and shepherd's pie? But of course! However if staying at the Renaissance Faire means subjecting to the rule of this tyrant, I must be gone! My pride he cannot steal so I leave content. As Shakespeare said, “My crown is called content, a crown that seldom kings enjoy.” Particularly Kings who are dinks!

Monday, May 09, 2005

Legislators Hoping State Gets Visit from Infrastructure Fairy



That One Blog deja vu from 5/9/05 for your viewing pleasure while Dr. Max continues his secret mission.

Legislators meeting at the Capitol say they hope the State will soon get a visit from the Infrastructure Fairy. State Senator Paul Beerson said, “We’re hoping that in this next session, we can get the Infrastructure Fairy to fly to us, wave his magic wand and repair all known problems in our aging transportation systems. It could save taxpayers billions!”

Beerson said, “The Infrastructure Fairy lives in a giant castle in the clouds in the far away land of Fa La La. If a State Legislature is good and it’s members chant the magic words Fix-a-Da-Dee, Fix-a-Da-Doo while turning around three times, the Fairy will fly down the Milky Way Trail and fix all crumbling roads, weakened bridges and ancient rail lines.”

Asked if reasonable tax increases might more effectively address these problems, Beerson said, “That’s a typical ‘let’s throw money at it and hope some of it sticks’ approach. Taxpayers are sick to death their money being wasted on projects like shoring up bridges to prevent collapse and laying pavement to make roadways drivable! That kind of spending can only lead to one thing: an investment in the future. Trust me, the Infrastructure Fairy will take care of everything, with just a wave of his wand of mystery!”

“Look, this is a lot like the Great Pumpkin in Peanuts,” Beerson said, “ you have to be sincere or he won’t come. All this whining about increasing our state gas tax or using toll roads, just shows the Infrastructure Fairy we are not serious about getting his help. How can the residents of this state be expected to maintain any respect for lawmakers if we can’t get a mystical fairy to cover us in sparkle dust so we can all live happily ever after?”

Beerson said,”If the Infrastructure Fairy appears, we’ll be calling upon the Deficit Gnome and the Education Elf to help us as well. And we might even hire a handsome prince to slay the evil Healthcare Cost Dragon.”

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Anarchist Conflicted About Hatred for Commercialism and Desire for iPod


(Portland OR) Wes Stevenson, 28, who resides under a bridge of Interstate 205 in Portland has has developed feelings of conflict between his desire for the popular iPod music player made by Apple Computer Inc. and his political belief in anarchism, which teaches opposition to the concentration of economic power by corporations.

“Y’know the white ones let you store, like, 5000 songs man,“ said Stevenson of the iPod he covets. “God, I could have Rage Against the Machine, Uit de Sloot and Crass’ entire library on one playlist with room left over for Slipknot! But I don’t want to be supporting any multinationals...is Apple a multinational?"

Stevenson, who believes there should be no government, only agreements between individuals, also thinks some of the iPod accessories would be cool to have. “One of those small speaker sets the iPods plug into would be so sweet, just for relaxing with some tunes and cold PBR! That is, if I wanted a product of souless corporate enslavement, which I don't!”

Stevenson said he traced his interest in the music player to a riot he attended in Seattle, “Well I was with my pal, Skeets, we were kicking in this window to a McDonalds and I notice these white ear phones he has on. We ran into an alley as the tear gas was going over and he shows me this iPod. Man, I was so jealous.” Stevenson said as much as he likes the music player he would not buy one at the present time, “I just wouldn’t feel right owning a symbol of an artificial institution, I don't need Apple turning me into their little consumer sock puppet. Also, my heroin habit chews up a lot of my funds.”

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Watchdog Group Wants Battle Droids Recalled


(Galaxy Far Far Away) Defense watchdog group Better Droids Now has launched a campaign to have the cornerstone of the Trade Federation’s security division, the Battle Droid, recalled.

Nebslot Hackworth, spokesman for Better Droids Now said, “Look, we know that Baktoid Combat Automata got a sweetheart deal on the manufacture of these things, but they have delivered a defective product. Most experts agree, Battle Droids are practically useless!” P.R. spokesman for Baktoid, Flerm Saunders disagrees, “We’ve heard nothing but raves on the Battle Droid’s performance! The Federation is confident in our ability to produce mass quantities of these unquestioning soldiers and has found them quite useful in all aspects of their operations.”

Hackworth said that his sources inside Baktoid tell a different story, “Let me put it this way, Jar Jar Binks destroyed almost a division of these things by himself. You heard me, Jar Jar, frickin’ Binks!! And if a Jedi is around? Please, it’s pitiful! Light sabers go through them like butter! Hell, if a Jedi sneezes 10 Battle Droids fall over!”

Baktoid's spokesman Saunders said that problems are being addressed. “Well, the Naboo offensive showed a few design flaws. Having a planetary invasion force of Battle Droids rendered useless, through the destruction of their orbiting Droid Control Ship by a nine year old boy, was a bit of an embarrassment. Our engineers are confident we have addressed those defects however, so we look forward to successfully crushing more peaceful planets in the future!”

Hackworth added, “There have got to be some kickbacks going on, with the size of the orders and the number of these droids destroyed, somebody is making a lot of credits! We also have hints of inflated production costs. My sources tell me the Battle Droids run on cheap upgrades to some off-the-shelf protocol droid software. It turns out they were originally designed to be, and I have the documentation to back this up, restroom attendants!”

Baktoid’s Saunders said, “The Federation has great confidence in all of Baktoid's defense industries. Our engineers in the Deep Space division are currently working on plans for a massive space laser platform, as big as a small moon! It will be invincible to all known enemy ships! Well, there is this ray-sheilded exhaust port, a proton torpedo in there could blow the whole thing up, but the engineers assure me they’ll have that licked before construction begins!”

Friday, May 06, 2005

Formula for a Popular Web Site (Part II) : Have Your Cat Write It


Before we get started today, let me say, I prefer the term Onionesque over Onion Rip-Off. Now when I started this blog, the fake news stories were not part of my plan. But they keep falling out of my subconscious so what can I do? I am second to none in my admiration for the Onion but don’t forget, National Lampoon’s Sunday Newspaper Parody appeared long before they or the Internet existed. Dr. Max has been around the parody block a time or two. Let’s just say we both draw our inspiration “buckets” from the same “well” of traditional humor and hope no “lawyers” get involved.

A new theory on Blogarama (see Tuesday) is developing. It is a runaway web site. Unable to deal with the pressures of being a blog directory it took off, cutting it’s hair then heading to Vegas and Albuquerque.

Before Blogarama bolted, (5 days a and counting) I had scanned it’s sites to see how I could make That One Blog more popular. The blog theme that came in second, after all those which supply our great land with porn, seemed to be sites “written” by cats. There appeared to be hundreds of these, all with similar site descriptions: “Wry observations about life and whatever, as written by my pet cat Snoodles!” I’ve owned cats myself and like them but was a little mystified on why this idea would be so popular. Pehaps they knew something I didn’t. Hmmmmm.......

That One Blog now introduces it’s new host, Pawsy the Cat!

Greetings one and all and meow. My name is Pawsy. I am Dr. Max’s cat. Yes, he finally saw the light and gave me control of this blog. He knows how smart cats are compared to humans. You people never cease to amaze me. How you have survived so long is a great surprise to me. Take this war in Iraq, now it seems foolish to me to......could you excuse me a moment? I always lick my crotch this time of day. Lick, lick,lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, smack, smack. Yawn....I’ll continue after a little nap. ZZZZZZzzz. Yawn. Excuse me, no opposable thumbs down here, how about opening my can of cat food doofus? Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. Anywho, where was I? Oh yes Iraq, now in this region of the world cats have always been treasured for their...Hork! Heeoork! Hoooooooooooork! Guggle, guggle, guggle puuuuuuuuuke! Smack, smack. Jeez, that’s one big hair ball I just brought up, looks like half of lunch came with it! Yeah, it’s on the Persian rug, so what? YEAH, I see the rest of the floor is bare wood and easier to clean, I LIKE TO THROW UP ON THE RUG, OK?!! Just back off and get me some dinner. Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, smack, smack. What the hell was I talking about? Oh, Iraq, so what I say is this, oh my GOD A STRING!!! GOTTA GET THE STRING! MUST GET STRING! STRINGY STRINGY, GRAB IT, CHEW IT, A HEE HEEE HEEEEEE STRIIIIIIIIIIIING and now I’m embarrassed about how I acted with the string. I’m going to lick my paw in shame, lick, lick, lick, lick. Y’know, YAWN, you guys do whatever you want in Iraq, I’m going to bed. ZZZZZZzzzzzz.

Um, that was.....different. Maybe the Doctor will do a little rethink. See you tomorrow.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Iraq Car Bomb Vehicle Unwittingly Pimped


(Kirkuk, Iraq) In a case of confusion caused by the insurgency, the Al-ILC (Iraqi Learning Channel) program, Upgrade My Vehicle of Transport, inadvertently overhauled a suicide bomber’s car. The program, similar to MTV’s Pimp My Ride and TLC’s Overhaulin’ features the free restoration of a car as requested by the owner’s friends or family. The program creates a ruse so that the owner is unaware of the upgrade until it is unveiled for the cameras.

“You know, we should have suspected something when we gave Fahad the cover story that his car was stolen,” said Ahmad Yusuf-Rahman, friend of Fahad Hakim, who’s vehicle was chosen for the show. “He just freaked, I mean like way out proportion for that piece of crap pickup of his. We were all like, mellow out dude, it’s not like your car was worth anything, and he’s all ‘You do not understand, why did you not keep an eye on my car, I curse you all as dogs!’ Y’know we were just trying to do something nice for the guy! I guess you never know about people though, even your friends!”

The host of Upgrade My Vehicle of Transport, Wink Al-Jamil said, “Hey, we were all in the dark about this Fahad guy. His friends had no idea that the pickup had 50 pounds of C-4 molded into the frame! And man, if we had known I can tell you that we would NOT have been using those blow torches so freely! The whole show was kind of a bust anyway, we put all this work into his ride, we do the big reveal and instead of a big emotional payoff, this creep just gets in the truck and takes off! Not even a thank you to the friends, leaves them there eating dust. What a jerk!”

Fahad’s “pimped” truck included a new sunroof, solid gold 20” rims and a custom stereo featuring titanium surround sound speakers with an 800 watt die-cast sub woofer. The vehicle’s target was believed to be a shop in Kirkuk but it exploded prematurely, killing only Fahad. Officials theorize Fahad may have turned up the bass too high while playing a cassette of jihadist death anthems.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The First Two Rules of Fight Club


Tyler: OK, these are the rules of Fight Club. First rule, you do not talk about Fight Club. Second rule, you DO NOT talk about Fight Club. Third rule, if someone says “stop” or goes limp...

Manny: Ahhhh Tyler?

Tyler: What is it Manny?

Manny: I think I might have talked about Fight Club.

Tyler: MANNY, you're kidding me right?

Manny: No, it was my Aunt. I visit her on Tuesdays at the home. God, she goes on and on about her back or her blood pressure and usually I just nod and don’t pay attention. Well, last Tuesday, I notice that suddenly she had stopped talking and was looking at me like she had just asked me a question! I guess I kind of panicked, and I told her all about Fight Club.

Tyler: JESUS CHRIST MANNY!!! You can’t be that stupid, I can not believe...

Stuart: Say, Tyler? Since Manny confessed, I better come clean too. I told my wife about Fight Club. She thought than when I snuck out to come here I was seeing another woman. Trust me, I don’t need THAT kinda grief, so I told her everything.

Tyler: Did you guys not listen to the THE FIRST TWO RULES OF FIGHT CLUB?!

Phil: Hey Tyler, me too, sorry. Told my doctor about Fight Club, was getting the ol’ prostate checked and it kind of slipped out....

Tyler: THAT’S IT! All of you OUT of here, I...

Mrs. Finkelstein: Manny! Manny Finkelstein are you down there?

Manny: Oh no, it’s my Ma! My Aunt must have told her!

Mrs. Finkelstein: Manny, for goodness sake! Get your shirt and shoes back on, and come with me right this minute!

Manny: Awww Maaaa.

Mrs. Finkelstein: THIS MINUTE YOUNG MAN! Tyler Durden, well it figures! You put my Manny up to this didn’t you? I bet your mother will be VERY interested when I tell her about this little club of yours!

Tyler: Nice going Manny, way to ruin Fight Club!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Formula for a Popular Web Site - 1% Inspiration 99% Naked People's Perspiration


Ah Blogarama, we hardly knew ye. I remember it like it was two days ago, since it WAS two days ago. In my e-mailbox was my acceptance letter from the blog directory Blogarama, they had just added me to their Just For Laughs ranking list. If people had a spare hour and a half to go through the entire list, there it was: That One Blog, page 109. What a thrill! Now, this little old site would become KNOWN. With tears in my eyes I added the Blogarama link button right next to the iTunes button. Suddenly, today, no button. After checking around, I suspect the problem may be that Blogarama.com is nowhere to be found. Is it a technical problem? A bankruptcy? Is there a guy on a tropical beach somewhere with a whole bunch of Blogarama swag, umbrella drinks and an impressive secret bank account?

What does the first paragraph have to do with sex? Um, not too much, now that you mention it....OH! Now I remember. When Blogarama was a thriving web directory (2 days ago) I looked at the section called Most Popular Sites. I thought maybe I could pick up hints on what the pulse of the Internet was. Was it lively discussions of bestsellers? In depth analysis of politics? Perhaps debates on how science effects all our lives. When I looked at the site list, these topics may very well have been discussed, but only between a substantial amount of photos featuring naked people. What I concluded was that this site might be more successful if I change it’s name from That One Blog to Those Two Boobs.

I think sex proves God has a sense of humor. It’s just not possible to look more goofy without your clothes on. The Big Guy has got to be up there, laughing and laughing. If it is so important to romance and species survival shouldn’t it be more like Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire dancing to “The Continental?” The only time a gown and tux rental are involved with sex today is at your prom or your wedding. It should be mandatory each time you have sex, just to salvage a little dignity.

I guess on the web, like all media, sex sells. Of course I’m only guessing, Dr. Max never goes to these sex sites, he only browses those dealing with news, philosophy, fine music and...wait...what’s going on here?.......

XXXXXXXXXX PHANTOM HACKER STRIKES! XXXXXXXXX

\**Dr Max Browser Image Cache 4/29/05 Page 13.....

### HTTP//:HOT BABES N’ OFFICE EQUIPMENT.COM #####

Blonde w/ fax machine-copier.jpg

Redhead w/ overhead projector.jpg

2 Blondes 1 Brunette w/ dry erase board.jpg

Brunette w/ A-39 thermal laminator.jpg....

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


...well, I , you see, what it was.....I mean somebody must have used my computer and....OH NEVER MIND!!!

Monday, May 02, 2005

New Pentagon Study: US Troops in Iraq Say Cold Beer More Important than Cruise-Holmes Romance


Defense Officials have announced that the newly confirmed relationship between actors Tom Cruise, 42 and Katie Holmes, 26 ranked lower in a list of concerns for U.S. troops serving in Iraq than the acquisition of a really cold beer. The results were part of a Pentagon survey of all troops currently serving in the war zone.

U.S. Army Private Dale Neesom serving near Baghdad, voiced views found typical for troops in the region. “Hey look, all the best to Cruise and that chick, they seem like nice folks and all, but seriously, have you ever walked around in 110 degree heat with a full pack and helmet? Man, any beer looks good to you after day of that, even a Stroh’s or Red White and Blue! And son, if you can score a nice frosty one, there is nothing better than that! Not that I’m not looking forward to War of the Worlds.”

“Well, I used to like her on Dawson’s Creek,” said U.S. Army Sgt. Denise Johnson of Katie Holmes. “But I really haven’t been able to follow her career that much since I’ve been over here, what with the mortars and rocket-propelled grenades. In this heat you really do appreciate a cold beer for the refreshment and stress relief, over almost any Hollywood gossip.”

The Pentagon survey revealed that cold beer also ranked higher than news about the Michael Jackson Trial, American Idol and both Olsen Twins. Defense Officials said only one issue beat out cold beer for the troops: getting their butts the hell back home.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Dr. Max Sells Out


Yes it's true! If you look to the right, just under archives, the good folks at Google are now providing ads to this site.

I spent a long sleepless night pondering this decision, wondering if I was sacrificing my pure blog aesthetic for cheap commercialism. Well, actually I was up anyway watching an Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon beach movie marathon, but still, I was thinking about the vision thing whole time. Except when Eric Von Zipper was on, man he always cracks me up!

Needless to say I gave in. A little code in the template and the devil's hand was shook. One of the first ads to show up was for Homocon, a blog by and for gay conservatives. I know, I know, who knew? There are many threads that go into making this rich tapestry we call America, I just hope this ad has helped the vast number of right wing homosexuals find a friendly home.

The ads do offer a little fun.They are geared to match whatever the most recent content Google's web crawlers find. The Chef Max sketch has given me a series of food oriented ads. Frankly I'm delighted to have ad titles on my site like Baked Macaroni & Cheese and The Other White Meat (that was for pork recipes, not Homocon).

I'm not sure the ads are going to be big money makers right now. Most of That One Blog's traffic today consists of me, Mrs. Dr. Max, friends and Star Wars fans with poor typing skills looking for the Tatooine Blog. But if you do see an ad you might be interested in, by all means click that sucker. The advertisers will be happy, Google will be happy and the Doctor will be really happy, making the big bucks, rolling in it, filthy stinking rottenly rich, living on easy....er....I mean, it will go a long way in showing your support for the unique artistic vision of That One Blog. Thank you.