Monday, December 26, 2005

Dr Max's Christmas Vacation

Hello and Happy Holidays to one and all. Dr. Max here, on the road during the holidays. As you can see by the primitive rendition of my mug above, I am working with the simple tools of Microsoft Paint and a mouse on a PC with Windows 98. One makes do when one is visiting folks who are willing to put you up for the night (and not send you to the stables.) It has been a fun trip introducing our daughter to friends and family and has been made even more special by the flu bug that has been going around. Let’s just say along with carols, holly and egg nog our Christmas this year has been made extra special with the additions of projectile vomiting and diarrhea. Truly a Yule to remember.

Apologies to all for the lack of entries but I have found it difficult to find a good connection while in the bathroom. I do want to wish you all the best of the season, particularly those friends of That One Blog (see Prescribed Links) who have been so kind and encouraging to the Doctor over the past year. Hope the applicable midwinter celebration of you and yours has been happy and flu free.

Dr. Max will rejoin the blogosphere after the New Year and catch up with you all. 2005 has been so much fun with our President of the ages, I just can’t wait to see what he has in store for us in 2006!

I will raise a glass to you all on the stroke of midnight. I have a 2005 Pepto Bismol on ice for the occasion. Cheers and Happy New Year.

Monday, December 19, 2005

President Bush Says He Will Protect Freedom and Democracy By Shredding Constitution

In an address to the nation President Bush said that he will stop at nothing to protect freedom and democracy from terrorism, even if he has to shred the constitution to do it. He called the recent revelations that he approved domestic spying without warrants as “a superb example of how much I treasure liberty, and no Bill of Rights will keep me from protecting it!”

“The war in Iraq is an example to the rest of the world of how important the establishment of democracy is,” said President Bush, “unfortunately I have to dismantle it here at home for the time being. The constitutional cornerstone of granting US citizens protection from governmental intrusion should be seen as quaint in these troubled times. Sometimes one must ignore the document one swore an oath to defend if the golden light of liberty is to shine it’s redemptive power on all citizens of the world. Well, at least those citizens living outside the United States.”

“I sometimes think we are a little too fixated on the constitution in this country,” continued President Bush. “I mean, hey, I’m the commander in chief for crying out loud, you can trust me! I’m only going to be spying on suspected terrorists who intend to do us harm, people who Karl Rove needs some deep background on for midterms and hippies.....I hate those smelly hippies! I’m sure there’s some fudge room in the constitution if the president needs to defend his country. I’m gonna make some time this weekend to read the damn thing and prove it to you! But it had better not make me too sleepy to watch Sports Center on ESPN.”

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Rudolph Asking For Trade From Santa's Team

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, superstar and lynchpin of Santa’s sleigh team has informed his agent that he would like to be traded. Rudolf’s agent and part-time dentist Hermey the Misfit Elf said Rudolph was only thinking of his family, “Rudolph lives in Florida in the off season and the commute back and forth from the North Pole has been hard for his wife Clarice and their fawns.”

Some see Rudolph’s request more as a calculated tactic to renegotiate his contract with Santa than a desire to spend more time with the family. “We signed Rudolph only two years ago as our franchise player,” said Comet, player/coach of the reindeer team. “Unfortunately we’re hemmed in by the strict salary cap rules of the Holiday Symbols League and we just have no more room.”

Rudolph has also been the subject of recent off-Christmas Eve scandals. A battery charge against the shiny nosed reindeer after a scuffle in a New York nightclub was settled out of court and an F.U.I. (Flying Under the Influence) charge led to a fine and community service as a road construction warning light.

Hermey said he has already gotten calls from several interested parties. “It seems it is pretty dark when the Easter Bunny hides his eggs,” said Herme, ”some extra light from Rudolph’s nose would come in handy, not to mention the time saved in flying over all that hopping. My client also told me that he thought, with the right make-up, he could be a pretty scary Halloween monster. If we have him put in some fake fangs and fly out of the sky with that nose on high beam I bet more than one trick or treater would pee their pants!”

When reached for comment, Santa Claus said it was his hope that things could be worked out with his lead reindeer. “Rudolph has always been a valued member of this organization ever since his breakout performance on that foggy Christmas Eve. We’d be sad to lose him. But Santa isn’t made of money you know, if Rudolph does leave we’re pretty sure we could replace him with a couple of high performance xenon headlights.”

Monday, December 12, 2005

Excerpt from Bob Woodward’s New Book: “Move Along, Nothing to See Here”

I awake with the dawn. Being one of the reporters who changed history by breaking the Watergate story, I learned long ago that the early bird gets the scoop. Goddamn Bernstein would stay up till all hours, then sleep in until noon and stroll in with his unironed shirt tails hanging out. Not me, I was always up early, looking sharp in my pleated trousers, tailored shirts and tie. I would get in even before the overnight staff had left, making sure I had a fresh ribbon in my typewriter, going over my notes and brushing the Frito crumbs off my desk that Carl would leave when he was digging through my desk drawers WITHOUT my permission! The industrious habits I developed during the crucible of Watergate have made me the legendary reporter and best selling author I am today!

I cruise pass the White House guards with a salute. As is appropriate for the unofficial national journalist/author laureate of the United States I enjoy unequaled access to the decision makers of the Bush White House. Hardly a day goes by when I do not have a lunch or dinner date with one of the important officials who have steered the helm of the S.S. National Security from the wreckage of port 9/11, through the rocky shoals of the straights of Afghanistan and into the stormy Sea of Iraq. Oh SCORE! Woodward you magnificent bastard, is that an analogy or is that an analogy? My Naval service really pays off sometimes!

I lunch with my source. He knows that unlike a lot of modern day reporters he can trust me to keep his identity secret. Like Deep Throat/Mark Felt I consider the protection of my sources as essential to freedom of the press. More specifically my freedom to write personally enriching best sellers and to not show up for weeks and sometimes months on end at my office at the Washington Post. My source orders a four egg omelet filled with cheese, sausage, bacon and fried lard. Not really the best selection for a man with a pace maker, but I grant him his indulgences as he has had a tough week trying to preserve the important option of genital electrodes in the fight against terror. We again discuss the Valerie Plame affair. “An inconsequential trifle is all this is Bobby,” he says as unchewed omelet, lard and saliva fly from his mouth. I find I agree with him and yet I become thoughtful as I wipe egg from my designer glasses.

What has happened to journalism today? Why all this strum and drang regarding the outing of an undercover CIA operative? Why all this concern about ”untruths” that helped America start a preemptive war? Is it possible my journalistic instincts become so dulled by my relationships with the power elite and my meals with them featuring foie gras on braised spinach leaves (which no one does better than the White House chef, trust me) that I have failed to see the significance of finding absolutely no WMD’s?

I say to you no. I AM Bob Woodward after all. Hello, All the President’s Men ring any bells for you? Although that story was about lies and cover-ups by administration officials, I have been assured by Dick and, I mean my unidentified White House sources (NOT named Dick or George) that they have neither lied or covered up a thing! So the war has cost America nearly 225 billion dollars so far and over 2100 brave young lives. As my source is fond of saying, you can’t make a lard filled omelet without breaking some eggs.

Let the insignificant journalists who sit at the kiddie table of the Washington press corps be jealous of me. Go ahead, write your little stories about that storm in New Orleans or weak poll numbers, whatever the great unwashed care about outside the beltway. Bob Woodward is with the grown ups! Now that Judy Miller is gone (Yippee!) I am the one remaining journalist, not on the government payroll, who has the credentials to be rubbing elbows with the administration elite. To pal around with them. To shop for Christmas gifts for them. To occasionally take out their dry cleaning. Only I have earned the right to swallow hook line and sinker whatever cock and bull story they give me!

My source and I finish our mimosas. He explains to me how waterboarding works and says when he has the time he’ll take me along to a secret torture prison or two. I of course will keep all this to myself. Just as I kept secret that fact I knew about Valerie Plame. Mr. Bob Woodward has many more best sellers to write and a vacation home in Aspen he has his eye on. So when the time is right you’ll know all the facts I decide to tell you about the Plame affair, the Abraham Lincoln clone and that alien spacecraft in area 51.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Pagan Priest Says the Celebration of Christmas is Taking the Saturn Out of Saturnalia

Pagan Priest, Yogar of The Glade, says the popular celebration of Christmas has caused people to virtually ignore the much older pagan midwinter festival called Saturnalia. “Ever since the Christian church co-opted December 25th as the day of Christ’s birth early in the fourth century, nary a soul remembers to worship the Roman God Saturn and thank him for the harvest on the winter solstice! They’ve all lost sight of the true meaning of the season” said Yogar.

These Christians are a clever bunch,” continued Yogar as he drank warm grog made from moss and ground deer antler, “since they could not stop the ancient celebrations which marked the solstice and since their Bible designated no clear date they dropped Jesus’ birth right in the middle of our Saturnalia! Now I’m sure Jesus was a cute baby and it’s hard to argue with the whole ‘peace on earth, goodwill to men’ philosophy, but I ask you, what of Saturnalia’s public debauchery and wine fueled orgies? It’s just sad that these Christians care so little for tradition.”

“When I hear of these concerns conservative Christians have today over Christ being taken out of Christmas, I have to smile,” said Yogar. “Hey, excuse me folks but why don’t you get your Savior out of our festival to relight the sun with burning arrows! And while we’re on the subject why don’t you give us back gift giving, tree decorating and kissing under the mistletoe, all which you stole from us pagans!! Doesn’t sound you’d have much of a holiday left without those babies does it?!”

“Oh, but I prattle on,” said Yogar. “Look, I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy a good turkey dinner and some football, or that I refuse to watch ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ if it comes on, I’m just saying you should try to remember that you all have a little pagan in you. I give your Jewish Carpenter his due props, but maybe all of you should also give a little thought to poor old forgotten Saturn. Perhaps, this year, after you follow the pagan inspired tradition of hanging your stockings over the fireplace burning the pagan inspired Yule log for pagan inspired Santa Claus you could find it in your heart to get totally plastered for Saturn. Thanks and Yo Saturnalia!”

Friday, December 02, 2005

White House Staffers Worried President Bush Spending Too Much Time in His “Total Recall” Chair

White House officials who refuse to go on record say they are concerned that President George W. Bush is spending too much time in a memory implant chair provided to the White House by Rekall Incorporated. The Rekall chair is designed to provide an individual with false memories of an event, such as a vacation on Mars or a successful war in Iraq.

“We originally got the chair from Rekall after all the grief we got when the President spent that last month in Crawford,” said a White House staffer. “I mean, when Katrina hit and he stayed at the ranch it was a P.R. disaster. So we contacted Rekall and they sent the chair. It allowed the President to go to the ranch without leaving the White House! We loaded the chair’s matrix with lots of brush clearing and fence repair, stuff that makes the President happy. It worked great, he’d get out of the chair and he’d just be beaming.”

“Unfortunately things got out of hand when Iraq news started to get bad,” continued the staffer. “Honestly you don’t want to be around the President when he gets bad news. He nearly tore the head of an aide who put too much mayo on his club sandwich. You can imagine what he’s like after he gets the real numbers on combat ready Iraqi divisions! So we decided to create an alternate Iraq in the chair. It’s just like the real Iraq except there is no insurgency and their are daily parades for our troops.”

“We can’t get the President out of the damn chair now,” said the staffer who requested to remain anonymous. “He prefers the chair's matrix over an honest assessment of conditions on the ground in Iraq. I think the Strategy for Victory speech shows that President Bush may be slightly delusional now. It’s a great plan, it’s just for a war that doesn’t exist in the real world.”

“Our objective now is to turn the damn chair off tell the President that there was a parts failure,” said the staffer."We need to wean him off this thing and get him back to creating false impressions all on his own again.”