Monday, November 21, 2005

Gen. Casey Submitts Cut and Run Plan to Rumsfeld

The top US commander in Iraq submitted a plan to Defense Secretary Rumsfeld on Friday outlining plans to begin the withdrawal of US troops starting early next year. Gen. George Casey, who submitted the plan, was quickly called a coward by House Republicans who accused him of trying to “cut and run”.

“This is like telling the insurgents we surrender,” said Kansas Representative Felix Danderwell, “and it really sends mixed messages to our troops. How are they suppose to know we support them unless we at home are willing to risk all of their lives in a decades long experiment in poorly planned nation building? I tell you this is NOT the armed forces I remember getting 15 deferments from during the Vietnam war!”

Georgia House Republican Dionne Vapors echoed fellow member Danderwell. “Just where does Gen. Casey get off submitting appeasement plans to the Secretary of Defense?” asked Vapors. “I think he should be using less white flags and more white phosphorus. If I had allowed either of my sons go within a hundred miles of an Army or Marine recruiter, I’d be ashamed that they were being led by this General Casey, who has the gall to consider letting Iraqis rule themselves.”

“This is just another example of the cut and run attitude that endangers the President’s great successes in Iraq,” said Republican Representative Morty Tucks of Texas. “We prefer a 'stay and pay' policy, wherein we keep dropping truly unimaginable amounts of money into the yawning abyss that is Iraq, in the hopes of gaining incremental improvements. So far it’s worked wonders and America can take pride in the democracy we’ve created for all Iraqi’s. Well, at least those who haven't been blown up by suicide bombers.”

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Invitation To The Dance

Hey folks. Dr. Max here. How are you all doing? Great! Before you ask, I don’t know how many hours are needed to thaw a 20 pound turkey, I actually prefer a straight-from-the-can cranberry tower over fresh cranberries, and to me, it ain’t Thanksgiving unless you have some lefse on the table.

Well as most of you have probably gathered from the paltry amount of recent posts on this blog, our new addition is keeping the Doctor fairly busy. She has adjusted quite well to her new life, but 18-month-olds tend to think gravity is an urban myth. Her mom and I trade off being her spotter when she decides to see how much height she can get off a couch cushion.

She is also a chatterbox. We get long dialogs each day and are forced to agree with her since our chinese is less than fluent. Actually she is from Hubei province, which I’ve subsequently learned has a wide variety of dialects. Several Mandarin Chinese speaking friends have chatted with her and told us they had no idea what she was saying either, so we don’t feel so bad. English words are coming out more frequently, it won’t be long before she can tell dad that his cooking stinks.

Our son has also done well with all the change, but there is certainly a different dynamic with two kids over one. As I am getting one dressed the other will take it as their cue to create a mess of category 5 hurricane status in another room. Dinners have also become more interesting. Several nights ago we experienced what historians will refer to as the Great Spaghetti Noodle War of ‘05. There was no food fight per se, but when the meal was over our kitchen floor resembled the train yard scene in Gone With the Wind; with spaghetti, meatballs and sauce taking the place of the wounded confederate soldiers.

Our daughter loves to wiggle her hips and clap her hands whenever she hears music. She will also ask her dad to join her in an improvised polonaise in the living room. Watching the Doctor dance is not very pretty, but she is kind and doesn’t laugh at me too much. And as we gambol our way through the house I find that as much as I would enjoy doing a blog post about the President’s new favorite word “irresponsible”, I am content to just keep on dancing. I know there is much that is wrong in this world, but being around the innocence of a toddler tends to give one hope about life. So please be patient, politics, the war and the president will have to wait for a bit. I’ve got a little girl who needs to learn how to do the Hustle.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Bush Scolds Democrats for Attacks on His Delusions

President Bush today accused Democrats of attacking his administration's delusions, which were instrumental in getting our country into the war in Iraq. The president continued his effort to rebuild his image today by scolding Democrats for using truth and facts to rewrite imaginary history.

Speaking before a meeting of the Conservative Americans for Presidential Photo Ops, the president said that it was unfair of Democrats to be using the war in Iraq for political gain. “Hey, that’s our department! Only us Republicans have permission to use this war for politics,” said President Bush. “Hello? Doesn’t anybody remember me flyin' in on that aircraft carrier in that cool suit? And excuse me Democrats, but our neocons came up with this cockamamy scheme and it was my administration that had to burn the midnight oil to manipulate the intelligence and present to the American people all the information we felt would scare the crap out of them. It worked didn't it? Don’t be saying now that our lies were bad just because we have no exit strategy!”

The President said that Democratic partisan attacks upon his administration’s deceptions are, in his mind, even more damaging to our troops than the complete and utter lack of any post invasion planning. “I am convinced our enemies take great comfort when anyone questions my Defense Department’s ham handed efforts after the initial march to Baghdad,” said the president. “So we had no idea what the hell we were doing when we got there! So we expected parades and got an insurgency! What good does it do to point that out all the time? I mean if I were a brave National Guardsman in Iraq doing my duty, I’d feel bad enough being led by a Commander in Chief who wasn't interested enough to finish his own Guard commitments, let alone having to listen to a lot of whining about how the WMD’s we said were there, in fact, never existed. Doesn’t anyone care about our troops anymore?”

President Bush said he would continue to present his own delusionary vision to the American people, no matter how low his poll numbers dropped. “I think my multi-city tour to overhaul Social Security shows that reality doesn’t interest me anymore, “ said Bush. “I prefer to believe in the alternate universe we created in the lead up to war. It’s a magic land beyond the moon and past the stars. I’m still a beloved leader there, everybody still respects me! They’ve named parks and schools all over Iraq after me! Also there are lollipop trees, chocolate clouds and all Democrats are in our secret torture prisons!”

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Good Times Ahmad.....Good Times

Condoleezza Rice: Don, are you busy? Guess what character came to see us?

Donald Rumsfeld: Oh crap, is it Scooter? Because I don’t think we should be seen talking to him any....

Ahmad Chalabi: Not to worry Donster, It’s not Scooter.

Donald Rumsfeld: CHALABABY! Well you son-of-a-bitch, how the hell are you?! Jesus Christ, how long has it been? I don’t think I’ve seen you since our postwar meetings!

Ahmad Chalabi: Nice planning on that by the way Donno!

Donald Rumsfeld: Same old Ahmad, always busting my balls. Say, did I ever thank you for all that great prewar intelligence, seems you over estimated the WMDs a bit there son!

Ahmad Chalabi: We have a saying in our country Rummy Tum Tum, when you are wooing a woman, you need flowers, candy and bullshit.

Condoleezza Rice: I’m sorry?

Donald Rumsfeld: Oh look at Ms. Serious Pants here, ever since she was made Secretary of State. Condi, c’mon, it’s Chalababy, he’s always been a kidder!

Condoleezza Rice: Well watch it boys, remember I promised to investigate that leak from Mr. Chalabi when he informed the Iranians we broke their code!

Ahmad Chalabi: Now see here, I categorically deny that I had any involv...

Condoleezza Rice: Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Donald Rumsfeld: Ah ha ha ha ha, SNORT! Oh Condi, that was great, he fell for it hook, line and sinker! Hee ha ha we’d investigate anything involving the war, oh that’s rich!

Ahmad Chalabi: You bastards. I guess you are one of the boys now Secretary Rice!

Condoleezza Rice: Sorry Ahmad, giggle, but you should have seen your face. So can we take you to lunch over at TGI Fridays?

Ahmad Chalabi: Damn, that sounds good, do they still have those potato skin appetizers? Nah I can’t, I have to go over to the American Enterprise Institute to give a speech, they LOVE me over there. You’d think they wouldn’t want me within 50 miles of the place after the Iranian deal! But hell, you guys revealed a CIA operative, I guess Republicans don’t care much about treason anymore.

Donald Rumsfeld: Well hell, why don't you stop by later! Maybe we can go out for brewskies and talk about how there’s the dawn of a new age in Iraq.

Ahmad Chalabi: Yeah, good one Don Don, a new age of car bombs you mean! Let me give you hug you big lug. Thanks for everything buddy, really appreciate all the money you spent and those lives you lost to get me the Deputy Prime Minister post. I love ya man!

Donald Rumsfeld: Hey back at ya! Thanks for all the help in getting the war started, couldn’t have done it without you!

Condoleezza Rice: OK if you two are through being gay now, I’ll see Ahmad out.

Ahmad Chalabi: Jesus, she really has come around hasn’t she Don? See yah later buddy!

Donald Rumsfeld: Bye Chalababy, take care. Well wasn’t that nice? Kinda like a little college reunion there, good to see ol' Ahmad again and...wait a minute....where the hell is my wallet?

Thursday, November 03, 2005

What if George W. Bush... Had Been President at the Dawn of the Nuclear Age

In 1939 nuclear scientists including Albert Einstein & Leo Szilard warned President Franklin Roosevelt of the progress German scientist were making with nuclear fission. At their urging Roosevelt set up the Manhattan Project. That One Blog would now like to imagine what would have happened had George W. Bush been our president at this crucial turning point in history....

Albert Einstein: Thank you very much for seeing us today Mr. President. My colleague Leo Szilard and I would like to explain to you the danger we feel is possible if the Nazis develop a “nuclear” weapon before the United States.

President Bush: Say did either of you fellows hear the Charlie McCarthy show last night on the radio? You guys are scientist types, how does that Edgar Bergen do that ventriloquist thing with his voice. I swear, I about laughed myself sick when Mortimer Snerd came on!

Leo Szilard: Mr. President, we must urge that you act swiftly, we feel that since the Germans have achieved nuclear fission, they could develop an atomic bomb. This would be a weapon of such awesome power, they could very well achieve their plans for world domination.

President Bush: I bet you got teased in school, I can’t even figure out how to pronounce your last name, S-Z-I-L-A-R-D....Sizzlelard? Sazilard? How about I just call you Sizzleguy. And Al, I’m gonna call you Socket....cause it looks like you stuck you finger in a socket to get your hair like that, Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

Albert Einstein: Ahh.....Mr. President, please, this is very serious. The United States must make nuclear technology development it’s top priority and utilize the best minds available in the country today or I fear the country’s survival is in doubt.

President Bush: Settle down their Mr. Einstein, you’re acting as crazy as your hair. Let me remind you that I am the President of the United States! I think I know best how to defend this great country. I got all the arms dealers who contributed to my campaign busy making bombs with real things like gun powder and stuff. I’m not gonna to let a pair a guys who came over on a boat get my spurs in a twist just because you like to use a bunch a fancy scientopic words that sound like they came out of a Buck Rogers serial! “Atom” bomb? Please, I wasn’t born yesterday y’know.

Leo Szilard: Mr. President, we are just trying to relate the great sense of urgency we feel is necessary! We are dealing with some of the basic laws of the universe here and..

President Bush: Hold on their son, the only basic laws I need to know are in the Good Book! That’s just like you scientist types, using all your facts and figures to deny the real truth that lies in the Bible and the grand intelligent design brought about by our Higher Father. I don’t recall him saying anything about any atoms, fissures or radiators! And I ain’t going to be using the taxpayers money to spend willy-nilly on some imaginary codswallop! Hell, next thing you’ll tell me is we shouldn’t drill for oil because it smokes up the air too much! I got a lot of work to do here boys, I appreciate you coming in and all. Here, take some White House pens with you.

Albert Einstein: But Mr. President please!

Leo Szilard: President Bush, you must listen...

President Bush: I said GOOD DAY gentleman!

(Einstein and Szilard are escorted out)

President Bush: Boy howdy, what a couple of nerds. Ding dang it, they almost made me miss Jack Benny!

President Bush later presided at the surrender ceremonies of the eastern United States to Germany and the western United States to Japan. He spend the remainder of his life in exile as guest of the Saudi royal family.