Monday, October 31, 2005

White House Concerned with Cheney’s Power, Influence and Unquenchable Thirst for Human Blood


Sources at the White House say the Plame scandal has caused them to become increasingly concerned with the power and influence exerted in the executive branch by Vice President Dick Cheney. The sources also say they are becoming uncomfortable with Cheney’s status as lord of the undead, who stalks Washington DC for victims to slake his thirst for human blood.

“Sure, this is all focused on Scooter Libby now, but he was Cheney’s chief of staff,” said a White House official close to the President. “The whole Iraq war justification program was a Cheney operation from top to bottom. He said he couldn’t trust the CIA or other intelligence sources so he goes out and gets a bunch of bogus WMD claims and al-Qaeda/Iraq connections from Chalabi. It was really an overreach by the Vice President, “ said the source. “Also, did you know you can’t see Cheney’s reflection in a mirror?”

“President Bush looked up to the Vice President at first since he had worked with his dad. The President thought he needed Cheney’s help when he first got to the Oval Office,” said the source. “But once 9/11 happened, Cheney began to exert more and more influence. He had this way of opening a thin cut in his chest, near his pace maker scar, and making various agency officials drink the blood that came from the cut. From then on they were his slaves, providing him with any background information he needed and making sure he had a coffin with soil from Wyoming were he could sleep during the day.”

The source said the White House is reconsidering the role the Vice President plays in the administration. “This Plame scandal has really messed with our second term agenda, and the Vice President has to realize he is responsible for some of this, “ said the source. “His unholy thirst for blood is also distracting for us, as the Secret Service agents on his detail are constantly being utilized to drive stakes through the hearts of his victims. It’s not what people think their tax money should be used for!”

“The Vice President will have to understand that changes must be made. If not we will be forced to call for a daytime press conference with him in the Rose Garden,” said the source. “ I don’t think there is an SPF high enough to keep him from turning into dust. Let’s just say vampires are not known for their tans.”

5 Comments:

Blogger OldRoses said...

So when they claim Cheney is in an undisclosed location what they are actually saying is that he is in his coffin filled with soil from Wyoming?

3:24 AM  
Anonymous Snake said...

I always knew he was a scary guy. But I had no idea. I'd better stock up on garlic right away.

6:28 AM  
Blogger Grace said...

Hmm. Wonder if this has anything to do with the aneurysms behind Cheney's knees. Do vampires have to be careful with the Rh factor of their victims? And I'm assuming that, when he takes the form of a bat, Cheney hangs upside down, thus contributing to blood clots that are, for most humans, in a very odd location.

8:57 PM  
Blogger Herge Smith said...

Quick stake him through the heart!

I really like the name 'Scooter Libby' - I think there should be an animated TYV show called 'Scooter Libby and friends' in which Scooter and his rep pals get into all kinds of scraps each week and by manipulating the media they manage to get out of trouble before the final reel.

5:15 AM  
Blogger MacHeadCase said...

"I love tcheeldrrrrennnn"...

5:58 AM  

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