Saturday, October 01, 2005

Record Company Executive/Devil’s Minion Will Battle Apple’s Jobs Over Music Pricing


Dale Sammael, Chief Executive of Diabolos Music Group and minion to the dark lord Satan, said that his company will seek flexible pricing when licensing renegotiations begin early next year with Apple Computer’s iTunes Music Store. Sammael, a soulless demon in human form, said that Apple Computer’s chief executive Steve Jobs needs his record company's music as much as his record company needs the iPod.

The iPod and Apple’s iTunes music store have proven to be more successful than Sammael and other devil spawn music executives expected. “Even my lord and master Lucifer did not foresee the iPod gaining it’s present 70% market share in downloadable music, “ said Sammael as he plucked the eye ball from a small kitten and ate it. “We are used to having total control over our music from capturing the souls of the artist who create it to stealing as much money as we could through the production and distribution chains. I have served my master, who sits upon his throne of skulls over hell’s lakes of fire and brimstone, well. We have used his tools of trickery to try to destroy all the true beauty that lies in music. We were nearly successful too, as those never ending series of cookie cutter boy bands clearly illustrate. But then this Jobs somehow out maneuvered his majesty Beelzebub by using some sort of reality distortion field. His damnable iPod made music popular again! Hell finally found a worthy opponent in the dark arts!”

“But revenge and flexible pricing will now be ours, ” said Sammael. “Mr. Jobs will live to regret the day he subverted the will of the Dark One. He will find that his iPods are useless without our music libraries! We do of course realize that, at present, we receive vast amounts of money with no overhead due to iTunes. We also know that listeners love iTunes’ easy downloads and the convenience of carrying an entire music collection on their iPods. But why even have record companies if we take away pure evil from the process? What fun would the music industry be without the traditions of payola and theft of royalties, I ask you? No, no, this shall not continue, my master has decreed it and I will serve him in his wishes,” said Sammael, as he distractedly poked a cattle prod at the bearly living body of a singer songwriter chained to his wall.

“Dark priests of Satan are now working on counter-spells to battle this wizard Jobs,” said Sammael. “This time we will be prepared, and he will kneel before us, THIS I VOW! Of course once Jobs walks in, with his stylish mock turtleneck, jeans and bottled water even us demons tend to loose our senses. I mean have you seen that Nano iPod, oh man, that is sooooo sweet. I’m gonna get the black one, it looked so seriously cool and....... oh my Satan, what am I saying? I CURSE THEE STEVE JOBS, AND HELL CURSES THEE!!!”

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3 Comments:

Anonymous Snake said...

It's good to see ole' "Beelzebub" in print. That's a word I'm awfully fond of that you (one, I?) don't see often enough.

7:16 PM  
Blogger MacHeadCase said...

Yes, long live Greed! :D

10:12 AM  
Blogger sideshow bob said...

It's funny because it's true!

3:40 PM  

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