Wednesday, October 12, 2005

President Bush Blames Democrats for Ignoring Looming Crisis of Accelerating Universe

While Dr Max takes some time off, let's rifle through his files to find this post from 4/28/05.

(Washington DC) President George W. Bush today accused Congressional Democrats of offering no new ideas on how to prevent the impending crisis of an expanding universe.

"In only 100 trillion years or so our universe will expand to the point where future generations of humans, probably on some type of space ark, will no longer be able to see stars in the sky," said the President in a speech which marked the end of his 60 city tour to highlight the problem. "Now I don't know about you but I think my future great grand kiddies deserve to have something to make a wish on!"

Although Bush has presented no written plan, Republicans have mentioned immediate funding for development of plasma star-harnesses, as a way to avert the looming disaster. "Let's start addressing this problem now, and not wait until trillions of years have passed and it's too late" said President Bush, "if the Democrats have a better idea let's hear it!"

Senate Democratic Leader, Harry Reid said, "Look, red-shift galactic spread should be a concern to all Americans, but I'm just not sure I'd call it a crisis. We have Social Security, Medicare, the deficit, and high gas prices which we need to be addressing, today! Frankly, I think that some future generation of homo sapiens might develop those gigantic heads and be able to, like, move stars with their minds!"

Tentacucorp Space and Satellite, a major contributor to the Republican party, would be responsible for developing the star- harnesses. Grey Peters, P.R. spokesman for the company said, "Hey, it won't be cheap. We have rough estimates that the cost for development of deep space platforms which generate plasma waves strong enough to hold stars in place, would be on the order of all known money on earth. So, we're ready to go when the President gives us the thumbs up!"



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