Saturday, September 03, 2005

President Explains Iraq Policy to Hurricane Victim


President Bush: Hey there fella, let me shake your hand. It’s good of you to help out these folks today!”

Hurricane Victim: Well actually Mr. President, this was my house, I was trying to see if I could salvage anything.

President Bush: Oh, you’re not one of them construction guys? I like them construction guys, we get along, I speak their language. Great photo op too, I josh with them and put my arm around ‘em, and make sure the White House photographer gets a snap or two. Did you see me with my arm around the fire guy in New York?

Hurricane Victim: Uhh..yeah. Say, what took you so long to show up here?

President Bush: Wanted to show up earlier, but my vacation wasn’t over yet. I talked with H.R., they said it was a “use them or lose them” situation with my personal hours.

Hurricane Victim: You know Mr. President, maybe if we didn’t have so many troops in Iraq, we could have gotten some help sooner. People are dying here sir.

President Bush: God damn it! See? I told McClellan it was a mistake not to prescreen the area for victims who voted for me! Jesus Christ, I might as well have gone down to the Superdome. So you’re one of those “Sheehan” type folks huh?

Hurricane Victim: Well, I’m not sure what good our Guardsmen are doing over there if we haven’t found any of those WMD’s you went on and on about. They really would have been much more useful here this week and...

President Bush: Now look son, it’s simple. I’m gonna talk real slow, over enunciate and laugh inappropriately, like a do at press conferences when I’m trying to defend some nonsensical policy that only exists to appeal to my base. We...are...fighting..them..(heh heh)..over...there so..(heh heh)...we..DOOOWNNNT..have..to..(heh heh)..fight them..over...HEEEERRREEE.

Hurricane Victim: But Mr. President, we’ve just seen untold destruction in three states, we have disruption of vital economic services, and worst of all, an unbearable amount of casualties!

President Bush: Exactly right! And thanks to me, it wasn’t caused by a terrorist attack!

Hurricane Victim: But this was worse than a terrorist attack! Because you concentrated all your energies trying to defend us from an imaginary threat, you ignored what everybody in your government knew was an actual danger!!!

President Bush: You victims are always so emotional. Look, this type of disaster is biblilogical! This was God’s will! God loves us, He sent his only Son down here to die on a cross for our sins. And for some reason, last Monday, He also decided to send a us a category 4 hurricane. His ways may be unknowable, but He is NOT a terrorist!

Hurricane Victim: Excuse me Mr. President, you do realize that makes no sense, right?

President Bush: After 9/11 my task became clear, to spread LIB-BER-TY throughout the world. To chase after the enemies that would do our nation harm, well maybe not quite as much harm as Katrina, but some pretty bad dang stuff! Of course, I could have chased after the man responsible, Osama bin Laden, but what oil did he have? No I knew it had to be Saddam, that guy tried to kill my Daddy, did you know that? Upgraded our Homeland Security Agency so it would perform well in a national emergency, funneled infrastructure money into it so it would snap into action when needed.....

Hurricane Victim: Mr. President, are you OK sir? Maybe you need to get some shade.

President Bush: ... and I showed Daddy a thing or two. I heard what they were saying behind his back, that he was a chicken for not going after Saddam, but that wasn’t going to happen to George W, no sirree! I’d show them all! I wasn’t going to let the prospect of getting involved in a quagmire or civil war scare me, I’m tough! So I didn’t officially finish my National Guard service, Iraq would make up for that! Privatize Social Security, privatize Social Security....

Hurricane Victim: Hey, Secret Service guys, the President needs some help here!

President Bush: Ah, but the strawberries! That's, that's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with, with geometric logic, that, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist....

Secret Service Agent: Yes sir, the strawberries, right sir. Let’s get back to the helicopter now.

President Bush: Maybe I should go to Crawford for a few days. I like it there, no corpses in the water.

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4 Comments:

Anonymous Snake said...

Well done, Doc. I always love a reference to ole Cap'n Queeg.

5:28 PM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

And where is Laura? I hear she loves to clean. There's plenty of cleaning to do now.

7:42 PM  
Blogger MacHeadCase said...

Yep she'd look good in a Carol Burnett outfit, the cleaning woman that closed the show!

Well TaTa folks I'll see you all when I get back from my camping trip in two weeks.

Have fun and continue your wonderful blogs! That way I'll have plenty to read when I get back! ;^)

3:50 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

I’m gonna talk real slow, over enunciate and laugh inappropriately

Hilarious! That is so true!
That damn smirk of his belies his true heartless nature.

2:29 PM  

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