Monday, September 26, 2005

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, Stuck in Traffic on the 405


Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckoo. His father told him that story: his father looked at him through a glass: he had a hairy face.He was baby tuckoo. The moocow came down the road where Betty Byrne lived: she sold lemon platt.

I’ve been sitting here for 20 damn minutes and we haven’t moved an inch! Every damn day! Hey idiot, don’t you dare change lanes, I am warning you, so help me I will slam into that piece of crap you call a truck! Oh very nice gesture with the finger, same to you ya jerk!

He went once or twice with his mother to visit their relatives: and though they passed a jovial array of shops lit up and adorned for Christmas his mood of embittered silence did not leave him. The causes of his embitterment were many, remote and near. He was angry with himself for being young and the prey of restless foolish impulses, angry also with the change of fortune which was reshaping the world about him into a vision of squalor and insincerity. Yet his anger lent nothing to the vision. He chronicled with patience what he saw, detaching himself from it and tasting its mortifying flavor in secret.

What in the hell is going on up there? Can’t anyone drive anymore? If any of these morons would just pay attention while they’re driving! But no, they gotta drink coffee, talk on the phone and cause trucks to jackknife over 4 lanes! Move it you idiot! The car ahead of you pulled up 10 minutes ago, Jesus H. Christ!

O grave, where is thy victory?
O death, where is thy sting?

Every word of it was for him. Against his sin, foul and secret, the whole wrath of God was aimed. The preacher's knife had probed deeply into his disclosed conscience and he felt now that his soul was festering in sin. Yes, the preacher was right. God's turn had come.

This is a joke right? Hey, let’s start repaving the busiest road in the state right at rush hour! CLASSIC! Just who is the jackass running the highway department anyway? And he’d better be stuck in this damn mess like me. God, I’m never going to get home tonight!

Away! Away!
The spell of arms and voices: the white arms of roads, their promise of close embraces...

Yeah hon, it’s me Dedalus. Right, traffic again. Look I can’t help it, WE ARE NOT MOVING! I don’t know, road construction, an accident, just a normal rush hour. OK, I’ll get K.F.C then. NO, I don’t know what time, that’s what I’m trying to tell you! Look, don’t start, I’ve been sitting on this damn highway for two hours now, I don’t need a lecture OK? Fine, whatever, GOODBYE! Son of a....I swear, with gas prices at $3.00 and traffic like this I should just use the bus! I tell ya, it’s a pretty sad state of affairs in this country when a man actually has to consider using mass transit! OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, EVER HEARD OF A SIGNAL SHIT FOR BRAINS?!

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5 Comments:

Blogger OldRoses said...

Yet another reason why I love working the nightshift. No traffic. Even when they are doing roadwork, I am only delayed 15 or 20 minutes.

10:35 PM  
Anonymous Snake said...

Well Doc, you have my sympathy. There are three highway 405's on the west, & I'm sure they all have their share of traffic. Did I mention before that I hate traffic? Sorry, hate is a strong word but my hate for traffic is strong too. I'm lucky to live in a place where I don't have to drive much. By saying that, I don't mean to rub it in to those who do. Maybe I'd better shut up now.

9:07 PM  
Anonymous Snake said...

By the way, next time you're stuck in traffic, why not do something productive, which is perfectly safe to do so long as you pick a perfectly mindless activity like, say..., blogging!

1:06 PM  
Blogger fallenmonk said...

You are not alone in wondering whether you will some day find yourself dying of starvation or thirst sitting in traffic. It is almost as bad here in Atlanta as in L.A.and at times I think it worse. Then again having seen rush hour in Tokyo recently we still have a way to go to reach a perfect hell.

6:29 AM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

I moved to the smaller town I am in right now to get away from the horrible traffic in the Twin Cities.

8:20 AM  

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