Thursday, September 15, 2005

Our First DVD President

It's a standing joke among the president's top aides: who gets to deliver the bad news? Warm and hearty in public, Bush can be cold and snappish in private, and aides sometimes cringe before the displeasure of the president of the United States....Some White House staffers were watching the evening news and thought the president needed to see the horrific reports coming out of New Orleans. Counselor Dan Bartlett made up a DVD of the newscasts so Bush could see them in their entirety as he flew down to the Gulf Coast the next morning on Air Force One. - Newsweek

From: Chief of Staff Andrew Card
To: All West Wing Staff
Subject: The use of issue DVDs to aid President Bush in being President.

As most of you know, President Bush is proud of his record of ignoring the main stream media and relying on us, his staff, to provide him with information that is vital to do his job. There has been some confusion recently on the President's preferred source of information: the issue DVD. Following are some general guidelines and examples to guide you in your DVD creations.

First, it is important to remember that President Bush is not the first Chief Executive to rely on an entertainment medium to show him how to do his job. It is believed that President Lincoln’s staff often employed puppet shows that included vital information on the status of the Union Army to help him make decisions during the the Civil War. There are reports that FDR’s staff hired Columbia to include munition and troop strength figures in specially made Three Stooges (favorites of FDR) shorts.

Please use standard DVD-R or DVD+R formats for creating your issue DVDs! DVD-RW and DVD+RW discs do not work correctly in the Air Force One player, and the President gets angry and will throw the malfunctioning discs at the nearest aide! DVD cuts smart.

Get to the point! When you need the President to understand the importance of an issue, do it quickly and succinctly. For instance, in the Katrina DVDs we went right to people crying for food and water outside the Superdome, folks holding signs on their roofs and corpses in the water. The President will switch over to ESPN unless you lead with the good stuff.

Make sure to edit the commercials out. As any of you who were stuck on the President’s 60 city tour to promote Floam can attest, don’t let him see any infomercials! The President has a weakness these types of products. It took Vice President Cheney, Karl Rove and myself almost a week to convince him not to include a recommendation for the Ronco Dial-O-Matic food slicer in his State of the Union speech.

Make sure, if you are creating an issue DVD, that you clearly mark it as such! The President had planes in the air, NORAD at Defcon 1 and was two minutes away from delivering a speech to the nation before we realized somebody had given him a copy of Independence Day by mistake. Apparently the President thought this was a some sort of military status briefing and is not as familiar, as most of us are, with the many credits of actor Will Smith.

Please keep these points in mind as you create your issue DVD. Our President is relying on your knowledge of the outside world as well as your skills with Adobe Premiere to to help us in continuing our incredible record of success. Also, if you include a bag of microwave popcorn with your DVD it will probably get watched sooner.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for bringing attention to this neglected issue. It reminds me of another issue I've been worrying about: When are they going to bring out the box set of the Bush Presidency on DVD. That's enough to drive me back into my fallout shelter.

7:21 AM  
Blogger Herge Smith said...

I actually believe that Bush isn't at all fond of Independence Day. The idea of a US President that is both articulate in public, and a proper fighter pilot and honoured ex-service man, he finds frankly ludicrous.

BTW, your word verification is spelling
ZOGGY, which is almost a word, cool.

- I assume this isn't an american term of insult that I am currently unaware of.

12:18 PM  
Blogger Grace Nearing said...

So Bush truly is the first post-literate, secondarily visual US president. And it's a good thing Rove made him go to NOLA to smell the disaster too (although who knows how much damage the cocaína did to the smell receptors). What Bush really needs are daily briefings in Sensurround.

9:45 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

We need to write our congress people and get them to push the "No President Left Behind" bill through! We just can't go another day knowing that we aren't doing all we can to guarantee their education!!

8:19 PM  

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