Friday, September 16, 2005

Excerpt From Keith Richard’s First Children’s Book


The Rolling Stones' legendary rhythm guitarist Keith Richards has just authored a new children’s book, I Think It’s Bloody Tuesday. Richards follows Madonna and other celebrities in this, his first book aimed at the youth market. The release is meant to coincide with the Stones' "A Bigger Bang" tour:

ZZZZZZZxyl...cough....Whoa...what the hell are you kids doing in my hotel room? SECURITY! Securi....oh good God...that bloody children’s book. Cough, hack wheeze....Jesus....pass me those Marlboros lad. Cheers mate. Ohhhhh yeah...a good morning fag really gets a day started right. What day is this anyway? I think it’s bloody Tuesday. Yeah, there’s five days in the week kids, Monday and Tuesday .....and whatever. I mean when you’re on tour it’s bus to stage, stage to bus, bus to hotel, who the hell can remember what flippin’ day it is? I tell ya kids, I thought Mick would never finish last night. I’m no wanker, as long as I time the meds correctly I can keep up, but that bloody queen was up there poncing about for TWO damn encores!

ALRIGHT, NOBODY MOVE! Where’s my bleedin' wallet? Damn it, I knew that groupie looked shifty, now I gotta cancel all my cards again, third time this week and...oh wait, never mind, I had it me shorts all along.

Anyway...what was I saying? Oh yeah, like Uncle Keith always says, don’t do drugs. Unless you have an iron metabolism like moi. Hell, if most adults tried to match the dosages I intake before bloody brunch, they’d be waking up brown bread in a morgue somewhere. Janis, Jimmy, pikers all, am I right? Take last night for instance, I have no recollection of anything I did after the show, but listen to this peronal recorder I keep by the bedside....oops, close your ears little ones, that’s me and the groupie, let me fast forward.....no, not that, that’s me snoring.....that’s me having a chunder....oh, here we go, hear that riff? Thing of beauty that. It’s going to make me another million dollars and I was off one’s face when I did it! I’m like one of those biological freaks kids, so don’t be mucking about with this stuff, blokes like me are as rare as hen’s teeth!

You, boy...hand me that bottle of....ahh....water. “Vodka” is Russian for water. Blimey, doing a kids book is easier than I thought. Mmmmm, there we go....feeling better already. Now kids, I may be crinkly but remember, rock will keep you young. You see all these pussy bands they have out there today? Little MTV props is all they are. Now don’t get me wrong, the Stones will put on a show, but we studied the history right? Your blues, your country, even a little jazz. These bands today are like those over recopied cartoons you find in office cubes, a bad copy of a bad band that was bad copy of another bad band. We may be old, but we got more authenticity than ninety percent of those crack-handed groups out there today!

OK, kids, Uncle Keith needs a kip, you got me up at bloody noon for Christ’s sake. Got another show tonight and I am knackered. You can let yourselves out...and before you get any ideas, the wallet is staying in my shorts! Oh and one last thing, don’t drink and drive kids. That’s why God invented chauffeurs. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

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5 Comments:

Anonymous Snake said...

Well at least he's human--all too human. I'm not sure I can say the same about someone else who read to schoolchildren in Florida 4 years and 5 days ago.

6:27 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

See, that's where you are wrong Snake. He wasn't reading- he was being read to. Are ya kidding? He can't read. He likes to say he doesn't read the papers because of liberal bias, but it's because he's illiterate. But you are right, he's not human!

8:23 PM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

That's why he married Laura, the librarian. Unlimited supply of bedtime stories.

9:56 PM  
Blogger sideshow bob said...

The Pres gets cranky without his bedtime stories...

6:41 PM  
Blogger Grace said...

It is true, isn't it, that Keith was born with smoker's skin?

9:00 PM  

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