Desperate for Federal aid, Gulf States Threaten to Remove Feeding Tubes, Perform Abortions and Remove Ten Commandment Monuments.
In an act of desperation, officials from hurricane damaged Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana, today threatened to remove feeding tubes from brain dead patients, perform late term abortions and remove Ten Commandment monuments from their courthouses, in an attempt to get the attention of the Bush White House and Republican controlled congress. It is hoped the threats will encourage the government to provide Federal assistance
“We can’t seem to get them to help through the normal channels,” said Wayne Busbee, a state senator from Mississippi. “But then we remembered how President Bush flew into Washington to help that poor Terry Schiavo woman and we figured what the hell, let’s tell them we’re removing a bunch of feeding tubes! Now, we wouldn’t actually take anyone off life support. Hell, any of those patients that weren’t evacuated would be dead now anyway what with lack of electricity, water and food. And, if you promise not to tell the White House this, our Ten Commandments monument got blown to who knows where at the height of the storm. So we kinda take it as a sign from God to use it as leverage to get some help down here.”
“I swear, we got six young ladies here who want us to remove their fetuses,” said New Orleans parish official Landers Dupree. “I’m totally serious and not making it up, we are going to perform abortions on all of them! Unless we’re too busy being evacuated from the city, that is. Would you make sure Bush and his fundamentalist friends know that! Now I’m guessing that being rescued could convince the girls to go full term, that’s really up to the President. Also tell him we don’t really have an operating table to use for the abortions either so we’ve been thinking of using the Ten Commandments monument from the courthouse! Which, of course, he could stop us from doing by getting us out of this living hell. So, in summation, Bush rescues us, they go full term. If nothing happens, it’s abortions away!”
Alabama councilman, Jerry Waxdale said he could top the other states. “We got us a pregnant woman who Katrina impaled on a Ten Commandments monument and is now brain dead,” said Waxdale. “Honest , this is really for real, you ask anyone around here, they’ve seen her! This woman is kinda like a triple threat! So, we had better see some tents, some water trucks, food and at least one God damn FEMA official here by noon tomorrow or it ain’t gonna be pretty for this woman! And she is not someone I just made up out of whole cloth to get their attention in Washington DC. Nope, she is an actual real person! I’m just sayin.”