Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Welcome Back Godder


Mr. Snelvin: OK class, settle down please, as you know the President has promoted the teaching of “intelligent design” in science classrooms as an alternative to evolution. So in keeping with his request, let me introduce your substitute teacher for today, Mr. God.

Mr. God: Thank you Mr. Snelvin and good morning class. As you heard my name is Mr. God. I am the originator and ruler of the universe. Today I’ll be telling you why the structures of nature are so complex they could have only been designed by an intelligence. In other words, Me. Uhmm, just a moment. Dale Lemmings, Mr. Snelvin’s seating chart says you are in the wrong seat.

Dale: Oh, no. On Tuesday’s Mr. Snelvin ALWAYS lets me sit by Stacey. It’s part of an experiment we’re doing.

(Snickers arise from various parts of the room)

Mr. God: Well, let me check my notes...hmmm, I don’t see anything about an experiment....are you sure Mr. Snelvin....

Dale: Yeah, it’s an experiment to see how long it takes to convince her to let me into her pants!

(Classroom erupts into laughter. Mr. God’s eyes turn white with fury. He claps his hands and Dale is turned into a pillar of salt.)

Mr. God: Now then, as I was saying, if we look at the intricate detail of biological systems, we see that evolution cannot possibly account for it’s logical design and.....yes, Wesley Fieldgate, you have a question?

Wesley: Yeah, did you come up with cancer? My mom died of cancer and I don’t understand how an intelligent being could come up with something so cruel.

Mr. God: Well you see, that’s a complicated question...I mean, you have to look at the big picture and....

Wesley: But dude, it was my mom. She didn’t do anything bad, why did you have to give her cancer?

Mr. God: Now see here mortal, I am omnipotent! Question your Lord no further!

Belinda: Mr. God is right Wesley, don’t you dare question Him! My bible study class says His ways are unknowable, just be grateful He gave you life in the first place! And don’t forget his Son died for you sins!

Wesley: But you should have seen her at the end, it was awful. Maybe you should have gone with “compassionate design” instead.

(Mr. God again claps his hands and Wesley is turned into a pillar of salt)

Jesse: Hey no fair Mr. God. He was just asking a question!

Mike: So NOT cool. I guess Mr. great and powerful can’t take it from a 10th grader!

Mr. God: I sayeth unto you all, do not continue in this or you will know the wrath of your Father in Heaven!!!

Frank: Hey, Mr. God, what about all those dinosaur bones, where were the dinosaurs in the Bible?

Mr. God: Thou sayest ENOUGH!

(Once more Mr. God claps his hands and all the students except for Belinda are turned into salt pillars.)

Mr. God: What is it with these kids today? They have absolutely no respect for authority.

Belinda: Oh Mr. God, that was wonderful! Almost like the rapture, they all made fun of me, but look at them now! We showed them huh, Mr. God? Dirty unbelievers! Did you send them all to hell? Oh please say you did, I bet they are all burning in the flames of damnation right now, looking up at me, green with jealousy. Oh Mr. God, you’re the best, I ....

(Mr. God snaps his fingers and Belinda is reduced to ashes)

Mr. God: Sorry kid, not even God likes a suck up.

6 Comments:

Blogger Indigo Red said...

Okay, I'm convinced!

I'm also cutting out salt...you never know who it might be!

9:38 PM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

I'm glad to see that the Intelligent Designer has intelligent solutions to any disagreements.

12:16 AM  
Blogger Indigo Red said...

There is no Intelligent Designer. There is a commitee, though.

8:55 PM  
Anonymous Snake said...

Hey Doc --There are some intriguing ads next to your latest post:"Jennifer Or Angelina? Who Is The Best Match For Brad Pitt? Vote Now To Earn A Free Gift." I just hope it's a gift & not a "regift."

9:05 PM  
Blogger DrMax said...

Welcome Indigo Red. Thanks for the comments.

12:46 AM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

I laughed uncontrollably when I saw the picture for this post! Hilarious!

How are we supposed to raise a generation of scientists to compete in the world if we tell them that science is shite?

8:07 AM  

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