Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Movie Producer Blames Audiences for Hollywood Slump


Just what the hell are you people trying to do to me? Do you have any idea what a seaside mansion in Malibu costs? No, apparently not, because you jerks have ticket sales down 9% and total attendance down 11.5 % compared to last summer. Helllooo sheep, get your Wal-Mart jeans wearing asses back in the seats! Now!

I don’t care what gas costs. And if you think ticket prices are too high, and popcorn and candy are gouging you, all I can say is boo frickin hoo. I am a Hollywood Producer people! I don’t give a crap about your damn problems. I have parties to throw, stars to sign and cocaine to buy!!! And for that I need MONEY! For Christ’s sake, if the box office keeps falling how do you expect me to upgrade the fixtures on my yacht to 24 carat gold?

Yeah, yeah, DVDs. Right. Well Charlie Six-Pack, you've been kicking us in the shorts in that department too, thank you VERY much. Just what the hell else do you have to do in East Podunk? Did a new Dairy Queen open? Seriously, put down your frickin X-box, get in your rusted out pickup and buy our new releases or I swear to God I am going to come down there, buy that last remaining chest freezer manufacturing plant in your town and close it down! Oh yeah, you heard me! You want to play hardball, I CAN play hardball!!

Oh you sons a’ bitches, DO NOT say the quality of movies have fallen! When the hell have you ever cared about quality? PA-LEASE, we gave you just what you wanted: epileptic fit inducing cuts, elaborate yet still unrealistic computer generated effects, all hung on a vague rehashing of a previous film’s plot! You couldn’t get enough! We had to stack the cash in the halls! So what made you so choosy this summer? And don’t tell me you are reading more books!

OK, you’ve had your fun. I had better see some better numbers for our Fall and Christmas releases in every damn market or you’ll leave me no choice. How do more Rob Schneider comedies sound to you? Or how about I sic Tim Burton onto a another classic film and have him goth it all up for you? How does this concept strike you: J-Lo musical? Oh but my friends I will, I WILL! That’s right, dial that Moviefone number now, good...that’s very good...

5 Comments:

Blogger Stretch said...

Very good post Dr. Max. Unfortunately its true. Hollywood's movie producing capabilities suck recently.

7:20 AM  
Blogger DrMax said...

Thanks for the comment stretch and welcome.

9:45 AM  
Blogger Indigo Red said...

Okay, I'll go to the J-Lo musical. But only if Ben Afleck is in it, too! Damn fine actors!

Maybe a remake of Ishtar...

10:17 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

Hey, that Tim Burton bit was uncalled for! Tim Burton rocks! I have never seen a Tim Burton movie that I haven't LOVED.

The rest of it, well that's all true.

5:33 PM  
Blogger DrMax said...

Syl- I was WAITING for you to comment on this one. I know your love of all things Burton. I really like Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Sleepy Hollow, Mars Attacks and of course, the great Ed Wood ( Depp's best performance to date by the way). But I kinda got the point of the gothy stuff after Beetlejuice. Also why even attempt to outdo Gene Wilder? Watch the original movie again, he is pitch perfect and creepy, without the androgynous makeup.

12:22 AM  

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