Monday, August 22, 2005

Karen Hughes, Head of the RRT


For years, President Bush has called on Karen P. Hughes, his confidante from Texas, to help devise replies to attacks from political foes. Now Ms. Hughes, installed at the State Department, plans to set up "rapid response" teams to counter bad news and defend administration policies around the globe.
-NY Times


Karen Hughes: Charlie are you there? Come in Iraq, this is Karen Hughes from Rapid Response Team headquarters.

Charlie: Ahhh, Hi Ms. Hughes, this is Charlie in Ira...Jesus Christ!

Karen Hughes: Charlie, what’s happened?

Charlie: A car bomb, Ms. Hughes, just blew up a block in front of me! It’s the third one since I left the Green Zone this morning, oh those poor peop..

Karen Hughes: OK Charlie, we can’t worry about trivial stuff right now, I need you to get over to Al Jazeera and inform them that, write this down now,” the flames of freedom which were lit with purple stained fingers are about to become an inferno of democracy at the establishment of a constitu" SON OF A BITCH! Who wrote this?

Wayne: Uh, I did Ms. Hughes.

Karen Hughes: OK Wayne, you’re writing for Karen Hughes now, confidante of our great leader George W. Bush. You are not doing copy for Lone Star beer anymore, you got me! This is Iraq we are talking about, NO references to FLAMES or FIRE!!

Wayne: Oh, sorry....right.

Karen Hughes: I gotta do everything MYSELF around here. OK Charlie? Look, change the copy to read: “The dove of liberty, released with purple stained fingers will soar over a free land, at the establishment of Iraq’s first democratic constitution and yadda yadda yadda. Did you get that Charlie?

Charlie: Well, I’m not sure I can get through to Al Jazeera’s studios, some gunfire has broken out around...

Karen Hughes: Great kid, I have every confidence in you. OK, OK, let’s go people, put Gus up on the big screen! Gus you magnificent bastard, how are you doing in Guantanamo?

Gus: Fine Milady. Boy we sure have come a long way from that TV Station in Texas haven’t we? Did you have a chance to look at the footage?

Karen Hughes: No one can shoot pictures like you Gus. I did look it over, I think most of it is great. We’ll need to cut that footage of the interrogation though. Remember we want to project the image of a tropical resort area not a torture chamber.

Gus: OK, consider it done, did you want me to remove the screams?

Karen Hughes: Nah, leave those in, we’ll have the fake reporter say it’s the prisoners enjoying the new log flume ride!

Gus: You’re a genius woman, if you ever leave your husband...

Karen Hughes: Ha ha Gus, in your dreams. Talk to you tomorrow. Could somebody please bring me a Diet Coke? Thanks. Let’s go, time is money people, next on the agenda...

Suzanne: Ah Karen, it’s your son on the phone.

Karen Hughes: Ahhhhh crap!

Suzanne Do you want me to tell him you’re not in?

Karen Hughes: No...no, I got it. Honey, it’s Mommy, what is it dear? Uh huh, yeah, well being alone at college for the first time is hard for everyone dear. Yes. But remember what we talked about, you are going to be my brave soldier right? Sweetheart, it’s only been a week, I’m sure everyone does not hate you. Look sweetie, Mommy is very, very busy right now. I will call you at lunch OK? Now that is NOT fair, you are always Mommy’s number one priority, NEVER forget that. Right, at lunch. Bye honey. Oh man, I babied that one waaaay too much, same as the President. Alright where were we? Let’s go people, we’re not named the Rapid Response Team for shits and giggles, let me talk to Ariel Sharon!

Ariel Sharon: Hello Ms. Hughes, can you hear me?

Karen Hughes: I hear you just fine Mr. Prime Minister. Let me first congratulate you on how you handled the pull out, the President knows it was a difficult time for you, but we're confident that leaving Gaza will promote peace in the long run.

Ariel Sharon: Well, yes it was extremely hard because I....

Karen Hughes: Just one thing Mr. Prime Minister, if you could issue a release saying how much you appreciated President Bush’s support and advice in accomplishing the pullout, that would be great!

Ariel Sharon: Ah...well, I could mention the President I suppose, but I was the one who put his political career at risk while he was out bike riding at his ranch.

Karen Hughes: So you'll do it then? Thanks! And Ari, if you could, kinda frame it in our “spreading democracy” theme . Just spit balling here, but let people know that by the grace of the Creator and his Son who died for our sins, you were able to spread liberty throughout your troubled land!

Ariel Sharon: Karen, you and the President do realize I'm Jewish, right?

Karen Hughes: C’mon Mr. Prime Minister, don’t tell me you haven't skipped ahead to the New Testament, just to take a peak? Mr. Prime Minister? Hello? Hmm, must have lost the connection. Oh well, never mind, on to Afghanistan! Remind me people, what is the number one rule about Afghanistan?

Staff: (In Unison) NEVER MENTION THE NAME, OSAMA BIN LADEN.

Karen Hughes: Correct! God it is GREAT to be back!!!

10 Comments:

Anonymous Snake said...

Thank god she came back to fulfill her civic duty. Again. Where would we be without her? Say Doc, I been meaning to ask ya': Are you now part of a GROUP BLOG? Wow, that's the big time!

5:22 AM  
Blogger MacHeadCase said...

SO Dubya has a Dream Team all his own. Who woulda guessed... She is very thorough ain't she?

;^)

9:11 AM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

I can;t stand that sour-pussed, puckery old bag!

11:33 AM  
Anonymous Snake said...

I gather from your silence that you are part of a group blog but are too modest to call attention to that momentous fact. Am I correct? Thought so...

1:47 PM  
Blogger DrMax said...

Snake, MHC was kind enough to invite me to her group so I could make the occasional comment. Which is surprising since most people wish I'd STOP commenting on their sites. She has to limit her comment permissions to members only because she was the victim of a spam attack (yes this spammer scum will stop at nothing, they are now placing their useless ads in unsuspecting comment fields now.) I hope she is not expecting any articles from me because from what I've read she knows more about Macs, the Web and Digital Photography than my semi-functioning brain ever will. Although I have been thinking about contacting her regarding my method for warming ham and cheese sandwiches on the tops of CRT monitors. I'm still working out the kinks, have lost three monitors so far due to mayo leakage.

2:30 PM  
Blogger garfer said...

With dress sense like that does she really think that anyone will take her seriously?

2:36 PM  
Blogger DrMax said...

Welcome garfer, via Angry Chimp. Love your icon by the by...

2:59 PM  
Blogger MacHeadCase said...

Looks like she was a circus clown reject. They thought the costume was ok but the face wasn't.

Yep to the spam thing. I had to restrict commenting on my blog which is a shame to be honest.

And about that leaking mayo... I would put either the sandwich in a Food Saver bag or the monitor. :^D

6:30 PM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

I got spammed too! Hey, if the sandwich idea doesn't work out for you, try ironing. I accidentally left my pants on a monitor at work (okay, okay, it's not what you think. There's no air conditioning at night when I work, so I wear shorts until the AC comes on in the morning). Anyways, besides being incredibly warm, they had no wrinkles!

7:56 PM  
Blogger DrMax said...

Roses, I've got to get me a job at your company. I've often thought how much more enjoyable computing would be if we didn't have to wear pants.

8:23 PM  

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