Wednesday, August 31, 2005

In This Time of National Disaster, President Wishes Nation Would Get Off His Back

What the hell do you people want from me? Jesus Christ, I cut my vacation short two days folks, OK? That’s TWO days of ranch maintenance down the drain.

Look, I’m not sure who you thought you were reelecting here. I am NOT Bill Clinton! Mr. Run-To-A-Disaster-To-Reassure-A-Nation would have landed in some gulf state before the winds died down and had all the press and the nation's resources focused on the area. I don’t grandstand like that. My ways our more subtle, like when I tried to lighten the national mood with my goofy guitar solo yesterday! If people weren’t so distracted by rising flood waters and the destruction of their cities, or even if they had electricity, I’m sure they would have had time to appreciate my efforts. Did I mention I came back TWO days early?

Besides, my administration’s strength has never really been in “leadership”. What my administration is all about is politics. Y’know smearing opponents, getting elites who contribute to the Republican party their tax shelters so we can get reelected. This was a hurricane people, act of God. Ever heard of those? I guess I could have ordered up some attack ads against Katrina, but what good would that have done?

And don’t listen to all those liberal whiners, “Oh, if you had invested Federal funds in upgrading the area’s defenses against this kind of hurricane perhaps we could have averted it’s effects and saved lives!” Play it safe, pussy Democrats! Y’know us Republicans are more like those people who frequented the floating Mississippi casinos that are now 200 feet on shore. We’re gamblers. Why raise taxes or invest for a disaster that hasn’t happened yet? What were the odds of a hurricane striking the gulf states? So we came up “snake-eyes” on Katrina. Don't blame me for the 4 dollar-a-gallon gas and higher food prices! You laid your money on the table by giving us total control of the Federal government, now you have to pay the vig. And no fair declaring bankruptcy, remember our gift to the credit card companies. Let’s just be thankful I had the foresight to give tax breaks to the oil companies in the Energy Bill, they are using the money to shore up their vaults so they don’t overflow like the New Orleans levees.

Yes, I can see the pictures on TV, New Orleans is vanishing under toxic flood waters before our eyes, but could you give a guy a chance to unpack?! I’ve got all my brush clearing jeans that have to be presoaked and then taken down to the washer! God, it’s like you expect me to drop everything and fly down there and head up efforts to save a city that is of major economic importance in energy processing and agricultural exports. Hey, give FEMA a call, their number is on the internets somewhere. These other state leaders act like they expect me to treat them like they’re the Governor of Florida or something.

Y’know I get back in Washington and all the stress returns. Can’t a President ever catch a break? Whole frickin vacation was ruined by that crazy Sheehan woman, then I gotta come back to the destruction of Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana! And don’t even mention Iraq. I got midterms coming up, and although I've offered to show up in everbody's district on one of my famous barnstorming tours, some in my own party told me to just fly over. A couple of bad polls and it's like I got some disease they don't want to catch. It’s on days like this I almost wish Kerry had won. Think of it, I could be in some trophy job in Texas, where no one expects you to do any work. That’s really a more natural fit for me.


Blogger OldRoses said...

Yeah, where IS Clinton? Just cuz he's not the prez anymore doesn't mean he can't go south and feel people's pain with them. Must be that harpy wife of his preventing him from having any fun.

9:21 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

If Clinton did go there, they would smear it saying that he was using it as a political gain for his wife, not because he cares.

You know, DrMax, you always know just what to say.

6:36 PM  
Blogger Grace Nearing said...


That's my highest praise for political writing. Great post.

12:30 PM  

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