Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I’m Such a Tool by Bob Novak

The recent revelations regarding the investigation into my 2003 column about Joseph Wilson’s wife all seem to be missing the most essential part of the story. I’m a tool. A big, grumpy, sneering, right wing tool. Anybody who has read my columns or seen me on TV must understand that I was merely the screwdriver in the administration’s toolbox of smear.

When truth and facts reared their ugly heads in the lead up to shock and awe, Robert Novak heard the call to arms. Wilson’s look-at-me road show that dared call attention to the Presidents inaccurate statement of Niger yellowcake in his State of the Union speech proved to me he was traitor! A traitor to America and more importantly the Republican Party! If one loves his country (or at least those parts that are conservative) as much as I do, one realizes that to fight a traitor you must at times, become a traitor! That’s what tools do!

Sure, I revealed a covert CIA operative! Sure, hardly any other act could be more dangerous to a country! But folks, Wilson lied first, he said his wife had nothing to do with his being sent to Niger. And my leaking administration sources told me that was balderdash! She was SO in on the whole deal! A covert agent sending her sweetie pie husband out on a mission to screw our great President? Not while Bob Novak still had a word processor! Frankly I don’t care what vital secret missions I compromised, or how many agents I endangered. I’d do it again if asked by secret partisan hacks! Because I’m a TOOL!

And remember, Plame, although technically and legally covert, was brought home in 1997 when it was thought she was outed by traitor Aldrich Ames! So my traitorous act doesn’t really count if another traitor may have beaten me to it! I also soothe my troubled soul by thinking it was OK because Wilson had given his wife’s name in his “Who’s Who in America” entry. Granted, he didn’t mention she was a covert operative, but friends, I’m looking for any justifications I can find so I can sleep at night!!! It’s what tools do!

God, my stomach hurts all the time and it’s that jerk Wilson’s fault! He just had to point out the truth. If I hadn’t had to smear him, then I wouldn’t have been forced to roll over in my initial testimony! I was yelling Rove & Libby's names before I even sat down! So not only did I betray my country, I betrayed those I swore I’d keep confidential. But what did people expect? I’m a complete tool!!


Blogger OldRoses said...

I feel so much better now that that has been cleared up.

7:56 PM  
Anonymous Snake said...

This one has left me speechless, which might be a first.

8:40 PM  

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