Boy it’s great to be back at the ranch! I tell ya, I like the White House and all, but ol' DC is stuffed shirt city! It does me a world of good to get back to Crawford. A President needs to get out of that damn beltway from time to time and get back amongst the common folks! Excluding that Sheehan broad of course.
Crafts time! Here we are all working on some leather lanyards for our iPods. That Karen Hughes is a wonder, she can make, like, 10 lanyards in a half-hour, you should see her fingers go! I guess she got a lot of training typing out all those press releases that make me sound so caring and smart. (By the way, look at Condi, she fell for my ol’ whoopee cushion under the seat gag again, HA HA HA HA. It sounded like the Secretary of State farted, AH HA HA HA HA....oh for fun...I LOVE my vacations!)
Here at “Western White House” I get to ride my new bike whenever I want! Whoo EEE, you should see those secret service guys trying to keep up with me! The great thing is they gotta put their bodies between me and the ground or a tree whenever I do my weekly header!
Here I am announcing the lineup for our annual Bush Administration Lawn Jarts Tournament! Look, this is our tradition, it ticks me off the liberal weenies and trial lawyers have made it almost impossible to buy the damn things anymore. I mean, so what if Scott McClellan took one through his thigh last year. I apologized! God, can’t anyone take a joke anymore? (Hey, look at the guy on the left, with the dark suit coat. Doesn’t it look like he has to pee? Hee hee hee hee.)
Time for Skit Nite! Our own little Western White House talent show. With yours truly as master of ceremonies! This is my economics team practicing some scenes from “A Chorus Line.” Yeah, they better put on a damn good show because they've been kinda useless in their real jobs. A four year “recovery”? Please, even I’m not dumb enough to fall for that load of cow flop!
Look at this folks. See? A President is never really on vacation. The job is hard and it follows you wherever you go. Here we are discussing our campaign to discredit Sheehan. This is when you appreciate a Vice President like Cheney. He doesn’t care how many kids this woman has lost! We have ALL her files here, so it shouldn’t be long before we can leak some good stuff to Rush and Fox News!
Can’t a President go one day without a speech? Kee-Ryst, how the hell am I suppose to get any ranch work done if I keep having to talk to those jerks in the press? Once I finished here, Rummy, Condi and General Myers helped me finish the chicken wire fence. That damn Cheney used his pacemaker excuse again to go back to the main house.
Yes dear, fine dear, I’ll go to the store...AGAIN. How come we go through so much food during vacation? Laura sent me to the Fina Station for some cheese doodles, Diet Cherry Coke and hamburger. (Yes I have cattle on the ranch, but everybody would throw a hissy fit if they saw me slaughtering any of them). Man, I gotta go 5 miles out of my way to avoid that Sheehan woman. Maybe I should drive by later this week and give her thumbs up and a couple toots of the horn, just to get everyone off my back. I’d better see how the week goes, got a lot of brush to clear.