Friday, August 26, 2005

Every Human Being Leaves Florida Saying, “Screw This Noise”


Facing a second strike from a strengthened Hurricane Katrina, every single human being living in the Gulf Coast state of Florida left it’s borders earlier today. A note they left collectively said “Screw this noise, we’re outta here, and we’re not coming back!!”The unprecedented total self-evacuation comes after 2004’s active season which saw the state hit by four major hurricanes which had caused nearly 44.1 billion dollars in damage.

Jerry Carter, who retired to the Sunshine state in 2002, said he was expecting to live in a warm weather state with bright sunny days and cool gulf night breezes. “Yeah, it was nice the first winter,” said Carter, “but the rest of the damn time has been spent waiting in line at Home Depot for screws and plywood. I know every clerk there by name. I see Home Depot orange and protective tarp blue in my sleep!”

Wendy Lundgren came to Florida from Minnesota in 2003. “Oh what I wouldn’t give for a nice blizzard, “ said Lundgren. “I mean the cold and snow really messed with traffic and you froze your hinder off shoveling, but at least your home was still standing when it was over. My trailer has been destroyed 3 times now! It can be pretty discouraging having to track down which tree your toilet landed in after every storm!”

Life long Florida resident Dan Jensen said he used to be stoic about hurricanes. Jensen said, “I had a great speech, y’know the kind the media loved. I’d say I had seen plenty of storms and we just had to learn to live with whatever mother nature dealt us, it was the price of living in paradise. Well the hell with that! I’ve had enough frankly and I can’t wait to get out of this fricking place! It's obvious now that mother nature hates this state and wants us all dead!”

Governor Jeb Bush said he has talked to his brother President George W Bush and they are currently working on a plan to relocate every citizen to other states. “We don’t know how we’re going to approach it yet,” said Governor Bush. “We may just all go to a big state with lots of room, like Wyoming or Montana. We could also set up mini-Floridas in all states were refugees agree to live. Florida will go on, we’re just getting the hell off that damn peninsula and panhandle! It’s going to be a pain relocating Disney World , Cape Kennedy and all those voting machines, but we have no choice. The President told me, we can no longer afford to keep rebuilding Florida four times a year, no matter how many favors I did him in 2000.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Snake said...

Maybe those Bush brothers could stay in Florida while we get everyone else out of there.

12:51 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

I think that is a wonderful idea, except I don't want those damn Floridians coming up here and bitching about the weather ALL THE TIME. Asking me, "How can you stand the cold?" when it is less than 70 degrees out. Send them to Oklahoma or Texas.

3:48 PM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

Send them to NJ. Then they'll REALLY have something to complain about! Congestion, pollution, high taxes, an eroding shoreline. Heck, they'll be heading back to FL in no time.

7:53 PM  
Blogger MacHeadCase said...

Great news! No more Florida means no more rigged presidential elections! If there isn't anymore residents, how can anyone vote?

BTW DrMax, great add-on with the Word Verification! Death to spam! *thumbsup*

5:30 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home