Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Conservative Says Guiltdectomy Saved His Life


Having that guiltdectomy has saved my life. A fellow conservative suggested I look into it after I expressed how much stress I was under trying to live under my own standards of behavior. He said it was natural for a lot of conservatives my age to suffer with conscience when we deviate from the standards we preach for others.

It all started with the affair with my secretary. I can not tell you how many letters I’ve written to editors railing about how the institution of marriage was being endangered by the loose morals of today’s society. I’ve droned on and on about couples living together and the creeping acceptance of gay marriage. So when I started engaging in biweekly intercourse with someone other than my wife at the EconoLodge off Route 6, it truly troubled me. My guilt was effecting the excitement of the illicitness!

With the referral of my friend, I met with Dr. Charles Whitespan at the Medical Institute of Maryland. He said a guiltdectomy was a simple procedure. He explained how my guilt could be surgically removed, allowing me to pursue any morally questionable behavior while still retaining my self righteous judgment of any similar activity by a person on the left. I wept.

It’s been three months now. I honestly feel like I’ve been given a new life. It has made being a hypocrite so much easier! I can now use my tax cut money to fill my Hummer with three dollar gas, and not give a second thought how this money could be better used help our Iraq war Veterans. I can arrange for our lobbyists to protect my company’s off shore tax shelters, while simultaneously complaining about how Social Security is just another form of welfare. But most of all I can get have that mind blowing sex with my secretary while decrying how Clinton’s morals nearly destroyed this country. Last week I skipped out of my church deacon meeting to shag her for a third time! Man, was that hot!

5 Comments:

Blogger MacHeadCase said...

Maybe they can find a way to sell this in pills: it'll be cheaper and more will be able to afford this piece... oops! peace of mind.

7:52 AM  
Anonymous Snake said...

I'm gonna get me one of those. Guilt is part of my heritage!

10:00 AM  
Blogger MacHeadCase said...

Here's something I just found and thought that you guys would like it. Jesus Too Wimpy For Conservative America.

7:45 PM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

Finally! The explanation for the Log Cabin Republicans. I could never understand how gay people could maintain a guilt-free sex life while espousing Republican party values.

8:11 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

OH! Is THAT how they do it?!

5:37 PM  

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