Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Spanish Inquisition Leader Heads List of Possible Supreme Court Nominees


White House sources say Tomas de Torquemada, the 15th Century leader of the Spanish Inquisition holds the top spot on a list of potential nominees for the vacancy on the US Supreme Court. The position opened after Justice Sandra Day O’Connor announced her retirement last week.

With so much partisan fighting during his administration it was hoped that President Bush would appoint a moderate conservative to the position but Torquemada apparently became the front runner after White House meetings over the weekend. Torquemada was appointed the chief inquisitor in 1483 by Pope Innocent VIII and is thought to have presided over the torture and death of thousands of Jews, Muslims, homosexuals and suspected witches.

Several Democratic leaders were quick to criticize the potential appointment. “This is typical of the deaf ear the President has shown to the concerns of the American people who do not belong to his party,” said Sen. Ed Vantag of NY. “To be seriously considering the appointment of a person whose judicial record includes the use of whips and burning at the stake seems inappropriate to me. Torquemada is certainly not the kind of Justice I’d like to see on the highest court in the land, what with his being the embodiment of pure evil and all!”

Surprisingly, some far right groups have also been voicing concerns about Torquemada. “We’ve looked into this gentleman’s record and we are not sure if the chief inquisitor is conservative enough,” said Nelson Cosgrove of The American Council for the American Family and the American Values of Americans. “We really do not know his stand on abortion and while we admire his initiative in dealing with those that refused to share his religious beliefs, we’d have to have assurances that he is willing to overturn Roe v. Wade. We’re pretty sure he’s with us on the gay marriage thing though since he had so many homosexuals strung up on the rack!”

The White House refused to comment on any other potential nominees but sources have confirmed that Vincent Price as Don Nicholas Medina in the 1961 movie The Pit and the Pendulum, 19th Century American hanging judge Isaac Charles Parker and the 17th Century Chief Justice of the King’s Bench George Jeffreys (who condemned 320 people to death after the Monmouth Rebellion) were also in contention.

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