Saturday, July 30, 2005

A Scared Crapless Bill Frist, Breaks with White House on Stem Cell Research


A frightened Bill Frist today nervously broke with the Bush administration's policy on federally funded stem cell research. The Senate Majority leader, visibly shaking, stammered through a speech in which he stated he would support legislation to lift Bush’s current research restrictions.

“W-w-we, m-m-must allow s-s-scientist to pursue the p-p-properties of AHHHHHH! Is that Karl Rove?! Hide me, HIDE ME,” said the Senate Majority leader, mistaking a fat, bald guy in the gallery for President Bush’s chief aide. “Man, I’m sweating through my suit coat, why is it so hot in here? Where was I? Right, s-stem cells, after spending all of President Bush’s nearly five years in office defending his nonsensical policy, I-I am now again relying on my mm-medical judgment, which I displayed so well during the T-T-Terry Sh-Shiavo case. V-vote Frist in 2008 and YAHHHHHH!!!! They’re coming for me! EEEEEEK, “ said the Tennessee Republican as he dove to floor after Senator Brownback mistakenly let the Senate chamber door slam shut.

“I still respect the P-President, and those conserva-vatives with whom I share a belief in the right to l-life, “ mumbled Frist. “But I must b-bravely follow m-my own knowledge of the med-medical benefits that...that.(cough)...will result from this re-research. Y-yes, I hope that they will respect my new found courage and not run t-twenty-four seven attack ads against me when I run for...getting black....so black...I, “ said the Senator as he fainted. While reviving him, embarassed Senate colleagues noticed that he had peed his pants.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Snake said...

You miss so much when you read about this stuff in the regular newspapers. All the nuance, all the shading is lost. Thanks for filling in the gaps of my understanding. (From the conventional accounts, for example, I had assumed that Frist was scared shitless. You can imagine my surprise when I discovered that, in point of fact, he was scared crapless. Another score for That One Blog.)

7:48 PM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

So are Depends becoming a trendy accessory?

12:06 AM  

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