Wednesday, July 27, 2005

In Surprise Visit to Iraq, a Grumpy Rumsfeld Scolds, “This Place is a Pig’s Stye”

In a surprise visit to Iraq today, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld grumpily scolded both Army leaders and Iraqi officials saying, “This place is a pig’s stye, I can’t leave for a couple of damn months without everything going to hell in a handbasket!”

General William Thorngrain said that they knew they were in for it the minute Secretary Rumsfeld got off the plane. “He had a major bug up his butt, “ said Thorngrain. “Christ, I don’t know what ticked him off, if his luggage got lost or he was worried about more Abu Ghraib photos leaking, but he was ragging on us his the whole time he was here! Y’know we’re doing our best, it’s like he forgets HE was the genius that forgot to plan for post war conditions. Don’t take it out on us because you didn’t get your freedom parades!”

Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari said he was also subject one of the Defense Secretary’s “hissy fits.” “It is not like I do not have enough on my plate,” said al-Jaafari. “He thinks it’s so damnable easy getting Kurds, Sunni and Shiite’s to work together perhaps it is he who should try this during this juncture! There was not even a second after our greeting before he launches into a patronizing lecture to me about how I need to get tough with Syria and Iran. Gee Don thanks, I will get right on that after I get the power back on, the water running and avoid being blown up by an insurgent car bomb.”

Rumsfeld said he was disappointed after seeing so little had changed from his last trip to Iraq. “I’ve got a new high-tech military to create," said Rumsfeld, "I’ve got other neocon wars to plan, is it too much to ask that these people here get all the problems solved while I’m gone? They lay around the green zone and not one thing gets done until I get back to yell at them, and I’m getting mighty tired of it! Plus they ate all the Cheetos Twists in the vending machine, they know I LOVE those! All they ever think of is themselves!!”


Blogger Sylvana said...

What does he need other people for? He holds perfectly good conversations with himself.

6:20 PM  
Blogger DrMax said...

Syl, see the General? He was telling reporters that they would be able to reduce troop levels next year (per Rumsfeld, per what will be needed for any Repulicans to survive upcoming mid-term elections). His body lanquage doesn't seem to define enthusiasm does it?

12:23 PM  
Anonymous Snake said...

I know Donald Rumsfeld. I'm from Chicago and remember when Donald Rumsfeld was first running for Congress. With all due respect, Dr. Ax (or whatever your name is), you're no Donald Rumsfeld.

9:42 PM  
Blogger sideshow bob said...

A few crepe-papier streamers and a nice rug would really pull the place together.

1:45 PM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

You know, the REAL problem are all those foreigners that keep sneaking in and blowing themselves up! Iraq has become the newest terrorist training camp. Hands-on experience!

12:09 AM  

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