Saturday, July 16, 2005

If These Aliens are so Advanced, Why Can't They Perform a Proper Anal Probe?

I tell ya, I do not know what is going on with the Grays! Hi, my name is Phil, I’m a multiple abductee. This past weekend I go to sleep, there’s a bright light, I can’t move, I float through the wall and into air to their ship.....y’know same ol’, same ol’. At least until we got to the exams, then everything went fubar!

My theory is that the Grays were short on man power this trip or this was some kind of training mission because that almond eyed, big headed dork that was working on me didn’t know what the hell he was doing! He starts things off by lowering the long metal probe that goes into your nose, you know, the one that causes that blinding pain behind the eyes. Well he doesn’t have it attached to the sensors right because the damn thing pops off and falls to the ground. So there I am, naked, strapped to the examining table while slick tries to pick this thing up with those useless long fingered hands of his. This was strictly amateur hour!

Next came the sperm harvester. Now, I’ve had this done to me a hundred times, I must be the father of scores of cross bred alien-human babies. You are not going to believe this, but doofus attaches the harvester to my toe! My TOE! I don’t know what he thought he was going to be fertilizing the surrogate's eggs with, but I’m willing to bet he didn’t have much luck with my sock lint!

Then it was time for the anal probe. Now as I’m sure you understand, no abductee looks forward to this, it’s just not a lot of fun. And by this time I had zero confidence in this jerk who was apparently as well trained as a typical McDonalds temp. And it was a fiasco, I won’t go into to details, but you can never say it enough: lubrication, lubrication, LUBRICATION! Let’s just say I haven't been sitting much this past week.

I'm pretty pissed off about this. The Grays have to understand that they have a responsibility to display a minimum amount of professionalism when they are performing their unholy experiments! The next time I get abducted I am going to give these Grays a piece of my mind. That is, if they don’t literally beat me to it.


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