Thursday, July 14, 2005

The Fifth Fantastic Four

Hello, you’ve probably never heard of me. My name is Nelson Landerfield, I am the fifth member of the Fantastic Four. Rather, I used to be a member of the Fantastic Five, before they kicked me out!

It’s fine, it was a long time ago. Really, I’m thrilled their damn movie did such great business last weekend. Lucky America got yet another whitewashed version of their origin story. Not even a mention of Nelson Landerfield, it’s like The Lactater never existed!

OK, so when the cosmic rays hit the spacecraft I guess you could say I got the short end of the stick. Reed got the power to stretch, Sue got invisibility, Johnny got the ability to burst into flames and while Ben looks a little funky, he at least got superhuman strength! What did I get? The ability to lactate. That’s right, I can shoot super powerful streams of milk from my breasts.

Look, I didn’t ask for this! I hear the snickering, but for Christ’s sake it IS a superpower! You know what, you people are just like that jerk Reed Richards, I remember it like it was yesterday. “Nelson,” he said, “the rest of the guys and I have voted, you’re out of the group. You’re making us the laughing stock of superheroes!” And just like that it was over. Fine with me Reed, just remember the next time Dr. Doom has you all pinned down, The Lactater won’t be there to save your butts with super squirts of my blinding breast milk!

I tried to go solo of course, went to Gold Key Comics, but they only published two editions. "Too many remainders," they said. I feel like Pete Best, that original drummer for the Beatles. You try not to be bitter, but man, every success the Fantastic Four has is like a knife in my heart. It’s funny how life goes sometimes, a person is granted an amazing gift but it turns out to be too silly to be of any use. At least I've got one thing going for me: I never run out of milk for my cereal


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe they did so well BECAUSE they got rid of the, um, "slow wheel".

Looks like he's been fighting a lot of crime. He should put some ointment on those nipples.
sylvana | Homepage | 07.14.05 - 10:27 am | #

1:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Doc, did you really post this at 4:34 a.m.? If so, when on Earth do you sleep?
Snake | Homepage | 07.14.05 - 10:58 pm | #

1:20 AM  
Blogger DrMax said...

Snake, The Doctor NEVER sleeps!
DrMax | Homepage | 07.15.05 - 1:35 am | #

1:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like it.
herge smith | Homepage | 07.16.05 - 7:39 pm | #

1:21 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home